I really don’t deserve to live. Not because of Horton, but if there is only so much food left, I haven’t done anything to earn it. What do I do? Gather kindling? What kind of contribution is that?
I hate Sundays. Everything is worse on Sundays.
July 18
Monday.
I stayed out all day, searching, and gathering kindling.
I fell asleep in the woods this afternoon, just collapsed into sleep. The mosquitoes must have loved me. I have half a dozen bites I don’t remember from this morning.
I got in around 4 and Mom was waiting for me in the kitchen.
“Did you eat today?” she asked. “I didn’t see you come in and eat.”
“I skipped brunch,” I said. “I forgot about it.”
“You don’t forget about food,” she said. “You fasted yesterday. Today you eat. Those are the rules.”
“You sure do like making up rules,” I said.
“You think I like this?” Mom yelled. “You think I like seeing my children go hungry? You think I’m getting any pleasure from all this?”
Of course I don’t. And I should have apologized on the spot and hugged Mom and told her how much I love her and how brave she’s being and how I wish I could be just like her.
Instead I ran to my room and slammed the door behind me. Just like I was 12 again. It’s going to be suppertime soon and I know if I don’t go out, Matt’s going to drag me out. Even if he doesn’t use actual force, he’ll drag me out with guilt.
The funny thing is I’d just as soon not eat. It turns out if you don’t eat for long enough, the idea of food becomes nauseating. That’s probably how Megan’s been doing it. Only she thinks going hungry is good and I know it sucks.
Suppertime’s going to be so much fun.
July 19
No Horton.
No word from Jonny.
Mom and I didn’t talk.
Matt isn’t talking much, either.
July 20
Today’s the anniversary of the day men first walked on the moon. I learned that when I was doing all those papers about the moon.
I hate the moon. I hate tides and earthquakes and volcanoes. I hate a world where things that have absolutely nothing to do with me can destroy my life and the lives of people I love. I wish the astronauts had just blown up the damn moon when they had the chance.
July 21
I have now gathered almost enough kindling to build a house, but Matt keeps telling me there’s no such thing as enough and I should bring in more. It’s not like I have anything else to do, so I keep going out and gathering.
In a week I’ll be going to Springfield. I know, I just know, everything’ll be better there, and that when I get home, this whole nightmare will be over.
I was out doing my gathering thing when Mom found me. “Sammi’s here,” she said. “Go on in.”
This is the most Mom’s said to me in days. I figured a visit from Sammi must have really cheered her up. Maybe she brought us a can of spinach.
Sammi actually looked pretty good. She’s always been obsessive about her weight, but she didn’t look like she’d lost very much since I saw her in June.
We went out onto the porch and stared out at nothing. “I’ve come to say good-bye,” she said. “I’m leaving tomorrow morning.”
“Where are you going?” I asked, remembering the laundry on the clothesline. Sammi has a kid brother a year younger than Jonny but she hates him. She fights with her parents all the time, too. I was just as glad I wasn’t going to be in that car.
“I met a guy,” Sammi said, and I burst out laughing for the first time in a week. I don’t know why that struck me as funny, except it was so obvious and I hadn’t even thought of it.
“Miranda,” Sammi said.
“Sorry,” I said, swallowing a few more giggles. “You met a guy.”
“I’m going with him,” she said. “He’s heard things are better down south. Lots of people are saying that. We’re going to Nashville and if that doesn’t work out, we’ll try Dallas.”
“Do your parents know?” I asked.
Sammi nodded. “They say it’s fine. He’s been giving us food so they think he’s great. And he is. He’s forty and he knows lots of people. He’s been bringing us food for a couple of weeks now, and he even got gas for Dad’s car, and lots of bottled water. Mom and Dad would love it if he stayed, but he’s been planning on moving out for a while now. He says he’s been waiting until I was ready.”
“How long have you known him?” I asked. “You never mentioned him at school.”
“I met him about four weeks ago,” she said. “Love at first sight. At least for him, which is a good thing. He can have any girl he wants. I’m lucky he wants me.”
“You don’t sound all that happy,” I said.
“Well, I’m not,” Sammi said. “Don’t be an idiot, Miranda. I may like older guys, but not that much older. Twenty-one, twenty-two, twenty-three was my absolute limit and that was after this whole moon thing and I was drunk. But he’s given my folks cartons of canned goods and gas and Mom says maybe things really are better in Nashville and I’ll have a chance. She says the best thing a parent can do for a child now is to send them someplace where they have a chance. Only you need protection, which he’ll provide me.”
“Does he have a name?” I asked.
“George,” Sammi muttered and we both burst out laughing. “Okay, I never thought I’d end up with a fortyyear-old named George,” she said. “And maybe we won’t stick together. Maybe when we’re in Nashville I’ll find myself a nice twenty-two-year-old who can feed me and then I’ll dump George. Or maybe he’ll dump me. Enough guys have. Either way I’ll be out of here, which is all I ever wanted.”
“I tried to visit you,” I said. “A couple of weeks ago. No one was home.”
“I’ve been thinking about visiting you, but George takes up a lot of time,” Sammi said. “I stopped in on Megan on my way here. She seems pissed that she’s still alive.”
“I hope you come back,” I said. “I hope we get to see each other again.”
“You were the only good thing about this place once Becky died,” Sammi said. “You know, when she died, I figured out that life is short and you have to make the best of what time you have. Of course I didn’t expect it to be quite this short, and I didn’t think the best would be a forty-year-old guy named George. But that’s how it goes. Anyway, I’m really going to miss you and I wanted to say good-bye.”
She got up and we hugged. She never once asked how I was doing or how Mom and Matt and Jonny were. She came, she told me her news, and she left.
I know I’ll never see her again. I hate her for leaving and I feel sorry for her for leaving the way she is and for a change the ache in my stomach isn’t from hunger. Or at least not from hunger alone.
July 22
The best day in ages.
It started with finding Horton at the kitchen door. He was scratching and yowling and demanding to be let in immediately.
We all heard him. It was just after sunrise, or what passes for sunrise these days, and we raced out of our bedrooms and ran downstairs. Matt got there first, but I was right behind him, and Mom was less than a foot away.
Matt opened the door, and Horton strolled in like the past week hadn’t happened. He rubbed his head against our ankles and then walked over to his food bowl. Fortunately there was still some dry food in it, which he ate in two gulps.
Mom opened up a can of food for him and poured him some fresh water. We all watched as he ate. Then, just because he’s a cat, and cats love to drive people crazy, he used the litter.
“He couldn’t do that outside?” Mom asked, but she was laughing when she said it. We were all laughing. I think Horton was laughing right along with us.
He curled up on Jonny’s bed and slept for the next six hours. When I came back in from my kindling hunt, he was still asleep on the bed. I petted him and scratched his ears and told him how much we l
oved him. I guess he agreed because I could hear him purring.
Then Mom went to the post office to pick up our mail and there were five letters from Jonny waiting for her. The last one was dated Monday. He’s fine, camp is fine, he’s eating okay, playing baseball is fun, etc. I don’t think any of the letters was more than a paragraph long and they all said pretty much the same thing, but it didn’t matter. We heard from Jonny. Mom could stop worrying.
We celebrated at supper tonight. Mom declared this National Good News Day. She brought Mrs. Nesbitt over and we feasted. Mom warmed up a can of chicken and served it with noodles and mixed vegetables. We even had dessert: canned peaches. Mrs. Nesbitt donated a jar of apple juice.
It’s been getting chillier and chillier and after supper we went into the sunroom and built a fire in the woodstove. Not a big roaring fire, but enough to take the chill off. Mom lit a couple of candles and we had the oil lamp going and the woodstove cast off a glow.
We spent the evening sipping our apple juice (I think Mom was pretending it was wine) and telling stories. Mrs. Nesbitt told us about what things were like during the Depression and World War Two and what was different now and what was the same. Mr. Nesbitt was on a submarine during the war and she told us things he had told her about what life was like there.
Horton sat on all our laps. He hopped from one lap to another until he finally settled on Matt’s. I guess Matt is as close to Jonny as Horton could find.
I feel so much better about things. After a day like today, I feel like we will make it through, that if we love each other and work hard enough, we’ll survive whatever might happen next.
July 25
I dreamed that Becky was working in a candy store. I saw her and she told me to come in and take as much candy as I wanted. There were counters filled with different kinds of chocolates, and after the most wonderful, agonizing indecision, I asked for a piece of rocky road fudge. I even ate a bite or two before I woke up, and I swear my mouth tasted of chocolate until I realized it was a dream.
I couldn’t hear anyone moving around, so I stayed in bed and fantasized about chocolate. I thought about chocolate cake and Oreo cookies and chocolate chocolate-chip ice cream and hot-fudge sundaes and hot chocolate. Hershey bars and Nestle Crunch and Peppermint Patties. German chocolate cake (which I don’t even like). Black Forest cake. Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups. Chocolate milk. Chocolate shakes. Soft vanilla ice cream cones chocolate dipped.
Now the closest I get to chocolate is in my dreams.
July 27
“Could we have a moment?” Mom asked me, which I figured meant something was happening that I wouldn’t like. Mom and I have been getting along great all week and I didn’t see how I could have done anything too awful without knowing it. So I guessed it was just more end-of-the-world stuff.
We went into the sunroom, which probably should be renamed the gray room.
“There’s been a change in plans,” Mom said. “I got a letter from your father, and it affects you.”
“Is he okay?” I asked. “Is it Grandma?”
“Your father is fine,” Mom said. “And Lisa is well. He doesn’t know how Grandma is; he hasn’t heard from her in a while. Miranda, I know you’ve been looking forward to your month in Springfield, but that’s not going to happen this year.”
“Why not?” I asked, trying to sound mature and civilized about it. What I wanted to do was scream and pout and throw a temper tantrum.
Mom sighed. “You know how things are,” she said. “Anyway, Lisa is desperate to see her parents, to be with them when the baby is born. And your father is equally worried about Grandma. So they’re planning to close the place in Springfield, pick up Jonny at camp, and visit for a couple of days before they take off. You’ll get to see your father, but you won’t have an extended visit. Sweetie, I’m really sorry.”
I know she is. I know she loves me and she’s worked really hard to make sure Matt and Jonny and I all see Dad and talk to him and feel like he’s still our father.
But I also know that if Jonny and I were in Springfield for August, that would stretch our food supplies out a lot longer, like 60 suppers’ worth, not to mention breakfasts and lunches. Sometimes I wonder if when Mom looks at me, she sees me or she sees a can of carrots.
I know I’ve been crazy thinking about Springfield as some kind of pre-moon heaven. Conditions there must be about the same as they are here. Dad has some sense of how things are going here, and if there was plenty of everything in Springfield, at the very least he’d tell Matt and Jonny and me to move in with him. Lisa might not like it, but I bet he’d tell Mom to come, also.
I understand how scared Lisa must be, being pregnant with the world in the condition it’s in. I’d want to be near Mom if I were pregnant.
Of course if I were pregnant Mom would kill me.
Speaking of not being pregnant. I haven’t seen Dan in weeks, not since I stopped going to Miller’s Pond. I know it’s impossible to call since the phones aren’t working anymore and it’s tricky to drop in for a visit, but he does know where I live, and I don’t see why he’s ignoring me. Even Peter shows up occasionally, if only to tell us a dozen new ways people are dying.
I wonder how far Sammi’s gotten and how Dad and Lisa plan to get gas along the way. Maybe things really are better down south or west. Maybe we should be leaving, too. I don’t see what good staying here is doing.
Matt came in this evening from his day of tree chopping and he showed off his biceps. It was sad, really. His biceps were impressive, but he’s gotten so thin. It looked like all his muscle tone was in his upper arms. He said that actually his legs got a good workout with all the chopping as well, and except for being hungry, he’s never felt stronger in his life.
I’m glad one of us is feeling strong, because it sure isn’t me.
Maybe Dad’ll bring us food from Springfield.
Maybe there really is a Santa Claus.
July 29
Jonny, Dad, and Lisa are due sometime tomorrow. Mom says she wrote to Jonny’s camp to let them know Dad would be picking him up. She can only hope the camp got the letter.
Life was easier when you could count on the telephone working.
At supper tonight, Mom said she didn’t know how long Dad and Lisa would be staying here, but she thought a week, maybe less.
“I don’t want him driving all the way to Las Vegas worrying about us,” she declared. “So for as long as he and Lisa are here, we’re going to be eating three meals a day.”
“Mom,” Matt said. “Is that realistic?”
“We’ll manage,” Mom said. “We’ve managed so far.”
Half of me, okay more like 3/4, loves the idea of 3 meals a day. Even with what passes for meals around here, that’s pretty exciting. I’m used to being hungry now, and it really isn’t that bad, but still. Not being hungry sounds fabulous.
But there’s that mean little part of me that’s wondering if Mom’s changing the rules because she doesn’t know what to do about Jonny. We (except for Mom) were on 3 meals a day, at least officially, when he left.
Sometimes at night when I have trouble falling asleep, I think about the future (which only makes it harder for me to fall asleep, but I do it anyway, like probing a cavity with your tongue). Not the immediate future, which is bad enough, but the 6-months-from-now future, or the year-from-now future, if we’re still alive.
Mom must be trying to work out the future as well. Maybe she thinks we’d be better off if Matt moved on, like lots of people are doing, or if I found some guy to protect me, the way Sammi did. Then whatever food she has would be for Jonny until he’s old enough to take care of himself. But I know Mom loves Matt and me too much to sacrifice us. And Jonny needs food now to keep growing and stay strong.
Which is a real problem for Mom. One that I think she’s decided not to deal with until after Dad and Lisa are gone.
July 30
Jonny and Dad and Lisa are here.
They got her
e this evening, and it’s been wonderful.
Jonny looks good. He says they fed them pretty well, even though the farm was hard work and cut into baseball time.
Dad’s lost a few pounds, but he’s always been thin and it’s not like he looks gaunt. Just thinner. Definitely older, though, than when I saw him in April. His hair is a lot grayer and his face is way more lined.
Lisa looks okay. You can tell she’s pregnant, but she isn’t big yet. I don’t know if she should be looking more pregnant than she is. But her face is still round and her skin tone is great. My guess is Dad’s seeing to it that she’s eating properly, even if that means he’s eating less than normal.
I could see Dad checking all of us out, just like we were checking out him and Lisa. I wish I weighed more (never thought I’d say that!), because I could see he was worried. And he has enough to worry about. I guess he had seen that Jonny looked pretty much the same and hoped Mom and Matt and I would, too.
Not that Dad said anything except how great we all looked and how wonderful it was to see us and how much fun they’d had driving Jonny home and hearing all about baseball camp.
But even though it was wonderful seeing that Dad really is okay, because you have to worry when you don’t see someone for a long time, the best part was all the stuff he brought us.
He and Lisa came in a minivan and it was loaded top to bottom. Dad had labeled all the boxes, and he left at least half of them in the van (which we hid in the garage—you don’t leave stuff out anymore). Even so it took us 10 or 15 minutes to unload the boxes just for us.
It really was like Christmas. Dad brought us cases of canned food: chicken noodle soup and vegetables and fruit and tuna fish. I actually lost count of how many cases, but I’d guess at least 30, with each case holding two dozen cans. Boxes of pasta and powdered milk and mashed potatoes. Jars of meat sauce and applesauce. Cases of bottled water and a half dozen jugs of distilled water.
“Where did it all come from?” Matt asked. Mom was crying too hard to talk.
Life As We Knew It lawki-1 Page 12