“No, it’s not.” He moved his hand from his eyes and peered down at me. His cock was still hard but had deflated a bit. “This is why I never do more. When emotions get involved, the fantasy fades and reality creeps in. You see all the broken, jagged pieces.”
“I have broken pieces too,” I said, crawling up his body and taking his face in my hand. “I’m nowhere near perfect.”
“You’re pretty perfect to me.” Jay rested a hand on my back. “You’re kind, intelligent, talented, and fucking gorgeous.”
“So are you.” I caressed his sharp jawline.
“That’s the beauty of illusions,” he softly said. “You only see what the magician wants you to. The surface is flawless, but when you go deeper and peel back the layers, that’s where the fucked-up things hide.”
“I don’t want an illusion, Jay.” I pressed my cheek to his. “I want to see the real you. The good, the bad, and the ugly.”
And then, just like when we were in the kitchen, he shuddered and pressed his head to mine before kissing me.
The kiss felt different than all the others. It was hot, desperate, and driven by our need to taste and touch each other… but it was also tender with an underlying vulnerability. We weren’t just exposing our bodies. We were exposing our hearts.
He moaned against my mouth and pushed his hand through the back of my hair, holding me as close as possible.
Our hearts beat frantically as our chests slid together and our lips met again and again. I would’ve never guessed that Jay had so many layers. He was so much more than the charming playboy I had thought he was. He was beautiful, tender, and sensitive. I wanted to please him in every way I could.
I needed him to know he could trust me, that I’d never hurt him. Actions spoke much louder than words, though, and I’d need to prove it to him. Just like he’d need to prove the same to me.
“Do you wanna try again?” I asked, breaking from the kiss.
Jay panted against my lips, his eyes searching mine. “I want to. I really do.”
“What if I give you the control? You tell me exactly how you want it.”
“We can try.”
I kissed him before moving down his body, grazing my teeth along his skin as I went. Back between his legs, I looked up at him.
“Grab my cock,” Jay said.
I gripped his base, giving him a gentle squeeze. I loved the weighty thickness of him in my hand. The head of his cock begged me to suck it, but I resisted the urge and waited for his next instruction.
“Put it in your mouth,” he said.
Gladly.
When I guided the tip between my lips, he exhaled through his nose and rested a hand on my head. Flicking my tongue against his slit, I gave his shaft another squeeze. He whimpered and rolled his hips. My mouth stretched around his thickness as he gently pushed my head down, forcing me to take him deeper. He wasn’t tense like he was before, and when I looked at him, he softly smiled.
He’s enjoying this.
“That’s so good.” Jay’s voice was raspy and filled with need. “Suck my cock just like that.”
It took me a minute or so to find my rhythm, but once I did, Jay threw his head back on the pillow and groaned. His precum mixed with my saliva, and I used it to make the glide easier on his shaft as I stroked him.
Jay muttered something in Russian as his fingers tightened in my hair. I had never seen anything more beautiful than him naked and surrendering to my touch. The ridges of muscles on his abdomen flexed as his breaths sharpened.
“Remi,” he moaned, the sound going straight to my dick. “I’m… I’m goin’ to—fuck!”
He grabbed my head with both hands and held it in place as he fucked up into my mouth. And then he was coming. Hard. More Russian fell from his lips, and his voice cracked on the words. I swallowed his release, loving how he trembled from the force of it. I popped his dick from my mouth and gave him a few lazy strokes as he calmed.
“Come here,” he said breathlessly, crooking a finger at me.
I kissed up his chest as I crawled back up his body. He slid his hand to my nape and pulled me to his lips, kissing me slow but deep. His hand dropped to my waist, dipping beneath the top of my boxers, and took hold of my erection. I grunted against his mouth as he started stroking me.
“You’re so hard,” he purred, before nibbling my neck. I was so worked up that it only took a handful of strokes before I was coming into his hand. “That’s it, darlin’.” He kissed my neck as I rode the waves of orgasm.
I collapsed on his chest afterward, breathing heavily. He withdrew his hand from my boxers and sat up before getting out of bed. Just like last time. I watched him disappear into the bathroom, feeling a sinking in my gut. He turned on the sink, and I closed my eyes as I listened to the running water. Tears built behind my closed lids.
Jay didn’t cuddle after sex. He was a “get in and get out” type of guy. Since I was at his house, I braced myself for when he told me to leave. I had hoped we’d reached a new level in our relationship, one that was more than casual sex, but I had screwed myself over in the past by assuming things.
I should spare us both the awkward conversation and leave before he tells me to.
I sat up and grabbed my jeans from the floor just as the faucet shut off.
“Are you leaving?” Jay asked, returning to the room with a rag in his hand. His cock hung soft between his muscled legs.
“Um.” I glanced at the floor, mainly so I wouldn’t have to look him in the eye. “I thought you’d want me to go. You know. Like last time.”
“Did I give the impression that I wanted you to leave?” He walked toward me and grabbed my chin, tilting my head up. Annoyance shone in his eyes. “Hmm?”
“I don’t know.” I moved out of his hold and stood up. “Right after I came, you got up like the bed was on fire. It didn’t take much for me to come to the conclusion.”
“Because I wanted to wash up,” he said. “And you were lying there in your cum-filled boxers and I wanted to clean you too. Take them off.”
“You can’t boss me around.” There was no heat to my words, and I was already tugging down my boxers and stepping out of them before I finished my sentence.
“I don’t want to boss you around.” Jay grabbed my shoulders and gently pushed me on the bed. “I just want to take care of you. Now lie back.”
I did as he said, watching him as he sat beside me and ran the washcloth over my groin. There was something intimate about him cleaning me.
“Do you do this with all your men?” I teased.
His eyes flashed to mine before dropping again. “All my men? The only man I have right now is you.” Once he was done, he left to dispose of the rag, and then he slid into bed, under the sheets. “I don’t do that for anyone else by the way. I never have. Now come here.”
“Ready for round two?” I asked, wiggling my eyebrows as I crawled toward him on the mattress.
“Come find out.” Jay lifted the sheet so I could slide in beside him.
I expected him to start kissing my neck and running his hands down my chest once we were side by side. I mean, we were both naked, hot-blooded men and were insanely attracted to each other. But he didn’t. He put an arm under my head and pulled me toward him, my back to his front.
He’s spooning me.
“Will you stay the night with me?” he whispered against my nape.
My heart sprouted wings. The damn thing nearly flew out of my chest. Those were words I never thought I’d hear him say. I laid my arm over his and linked our fingers. “I’d like that.”
“Good.” Jay settled in closer, resting his face against the back of my hair.
I had never liked being little spoon so much as I did right then.
Chapter 15
Jay
Remi fell asleep before I did. As his breathing changed, growing softer, I tightened my arm around him. He made an adorable, sleepy sound and snuggled more into me.
“I never wa
nted to fall for you,” I whispered. “I still don’t.”
But he wasn’t giving me much of a choice.
Keeping my distance from him hadn’t worked. I kept being drawn right back to him, like a moth to a damn flame. Trying to move on hadn’t worked either. No other man appealed to me. As much as it terrified me… it also excited me. Remi kept me on my toes. He was my match in many ways, and my complete opposite in others.
“I don’t want an illusion, Jay. I want to see the real you.”
There was no sense in living in the past. But what about when that past still had its claws dug into you? How could I show Remi the real me when it had been so long since I’d seen him myself?
My eyes opened when I heard a soft scratching at the door. Sput, you little devil. Careful not to wake Remi, I got out of bed and opened the bedroom door. Sputnik rushed in and shot toward the bed before sitting on the floor and staring up at me. I put him on the bed and grinned when he crept toward Remi and sniffed him.
Emery had been the only other man to ever stay the night with me, and Sputnik was territorial of his spot—which was half-on, half-off the pillow beside me. He’d often wedged between me and Emery, and sometimes, he’d lain on Emery’s head. So, I was curious of how he’d react to Remi.
I got back into bed and pulled the sheet back over me. Sputnik walked around a moment, going in circles before finally settling. He lay on the other side of Remi and curled up against his chest.
“Everything okay?” Remi mumbled in a sleep-heavy voice, turning his head to look at me. Then, noticing the purring cat beside his chest, he grinned and scratched Sput’s head. “Hey, sweet boy.”
“Everything’s fine.” I slipped my arm around him. “Go back to sleep.”
When I finally fell asleep, I dreamed of Andrew. I blamed it on my newfound feelings for Remi. Just when I started feeling like I could move on from the past, that bastard appeared and pulled me right back in.
In the dream, Andrew walked toward me, pulling at his tie. We were in his office at the college. The door was locked. The window was closed, and so were the blinds. It was common for us to meet in his office after class for a quickie.
“You’ll feel me for days after this,” Andrew said, flipping me around to face his desk. “Your ass is mine, Jay. Say it.”
“It’s yours,” I responded.
“That’s my boy.”
It might’ve been a dream, but it had been my reality for years. A reality I had enjoyed immensely—mainly because I hadn’t known any better. I had thought Andrew loved me. He’d made me feel special. As horrible as it had been, him being married had only added to the excitement.
He must really care about me if he’d cheat on his wife for me. How naïve I had been back then. Andrew had wrapped me around his finger. When he said jump, I’d asked how high. He’d controlled me—in the bedroom and even in my personal life.
I woke the next morning with damp cheeks and a wet spot on my pillow. I wiped at my eyes and sat up. The sun peeked through the blinds, shining golden beams on Remi as he slept. I lightly touched his bare side, finding comfort in the warmth of his skin. Everything about him was so warm. Unlike Andrew.
My dream had left a cold sheen of sweat on my skin and iciness inside my chest, but having Remi beside me helped chase away the chill. He made me believe that, maybe, I could eventually be the type of man I wanted to be.
I got out of bed and grabbed a clean pair of joggers from the drawer before putting them on.
Sputnik raised his head and slow-blinked at me. He made a little noise in his throat and came over to the edge of the bed before stretching out his front paws. I gathered him in my arms and snuck out of the room as quietly as possible.
It was a beautiful Saturday morning. Birds chirped in the trees in my backyard, and when I opened the screen door to let in some fresh air, it smelled like spring. Definitely a warm day for end of February, but I’d take it. I started a pot of coffee, and as it brewed, I checked the emails on my phone.
Multiple people were involved in every criminal case. They worked behind the scenes to help the attorney present the best case possible. The prosecution had the aid of the police department, and if the detectives found anything else that could be useful, I was one of the first ones they came to. I had also assembled a team to help me go through all of the discovery—there were boxes full—and to contact me if they came across anything.
One of them had sent me an email with a subject line that read, This is huge.
I scanned the email and then froze, my heart thumping wildly. Missing things—or overlooking them—during the discovery process happened all too often. And this one was, indeed, huge. I couldn’t believe it was missed.
It was a screenshot of a text conversation sent from Lindsey Wilson to her sister, Sarah.
Lindsey: I hate him so much. I just wish he would die.
Sarah: Just divorce the stupid asshole and take all his money.
Lindsey: I signed a pre-nup. Ugh. Do you still get life insurance money if their death is an ‘accident’? hahaha
“You’re up early.”
I jumped at Remi’s voice, nearly dropping my phone.
“What’s wrong?” He stepped toward me. “Did something happen?”
“Something big,” I said, before pulling him in for a good-morning kiss. Our lips met slowly, and I came alive at the softness of his mouth. My mood had skyrocketed, both from the email and from having him in my arms. “We just had a major break in this trial. It could blow a hole through the defense’s case.”
“That’s great.” Remi gave me another kiss. “Does that mean you need to work today?”
Any other morning, I would’ve already been in the shower and getting ready to leave for the office after receiving such news. However, one look into his eyes stopped me.
“Just a little,” I answered, walking over to the coffee machine and taking two mugs from the cabinet above it. “I need to draft a submission for the new evidence and send a copy of it to Emery before the trial on Thursday. But not much else can be done on a weekend since the courts are closed.” I poured us each a cup of coffee and added sugar to mine. “How do you take your coffee?”
“With milk and sugar.”
“Comin’ right up,” I said, winking at him. He chuckled. I grabbed the milk from the fridge and poured a little into his mug before adding sugar and stirring it. “Try that.”
Remi took a drink and nodded in approval. “I like it. Are you going to be my personal barista this morning?”
“Yes.” I carried my cup to the kitchen table and sat down. “The first one’s on the house. But you’ll have to pay up for the second.”
“Oh yeah?” Remi joined me at the table, smiling as he lifted his cup to his mouth. “What do you take as currency?”
“Another blowjob will do.”
He nearly spit his coffee as he released a surprised snort.
I grinned before taking a drink of mine. On the inside, though, I was struggling. Him sucking me off the night before had mentally worn me down. I hadn’t even let Emery suck my dick before. “Thank you, by the way.”
“For what?”
Embarrassment had me averting my eyes to my cup. “For being patient with me last night.” It was too hard to say more than that.
Remi grabbed my hand. “You don’t have to thank me for that. I don’t expect you to tell me why you acted that way… but I’ll never hurt you, Jay. Never.”
Part of me believed him. The other part? Well, it remembered how Andrew had mentally beaten me down to an obedient little whore who did everything he was told. It was why I had such a problem letting go of control now.
“You hungry?” I stood from the table and turned my back to him. I was learning how to open up a little, but I still had a long way to go. And I had reached my limit of personal shit for the morning.
“Yeah,” he answered, and I didn’t need to see the expression on his face to know he was disappointed. I’d heard it a
ll too clearly in his voice.
The awkwardness only got worse as the morning progressed. I cooked bacon and eggs, and we were quiet as we ate. There was so much I wanted to say—like how I’d enjoyed sleeping next to him and that I really liked the way he looked when he first woke up, his eyes still sleepy and his dark hair messy. Yet, I said nothing.
Everything was still so new with Remi. I didn’t want to say the wrong thing and fuck it all up. I also didn’t want to give him hope, just in case everything turned to shit. I was straddling the line of relationship and hookup, and one move in either direction could set us on a new course. Full speed ahead.
“I should probably go to my office for a while,” I said, after we’d finished eating and I had placed our plates in the sink.
“Okay.” Remi stood in the middle of the kitchen, his arms folded awkwardly across his bare chest. He’d snagged some of my sleep pants that morning, and they were baggy on him. “I don’t want to keep you from your work.”
Yep. So damn new.
I walked down the hall, trying to clear my muddled thoughts. I wished I could open up to Remi and romance the hell out of him, but every time I tried to get closer to him, I was reminded of why I kept everyone at a distance in the first place. I got in the shower, intending to quickly wash and get out, but then the glass door slid open.
“Is there room for one more?” Remi asked, sticking his head in.
I smiled and gripped the side of his neck. His pulse moved quickly under my palm. “For you, darlin’? Always.”
Remi stepped into the walk-in shower and pressed against me, his lips meeting mine in a slow kiss. He had a way of reading my mood so well. When I put up a wall, he chiseled at it, bit by bit, finding the weak spots in the ice.
He’d said he was falling for me. As I kissed him in the shower, the water raining down on us, I knew I was falling for him too. And it scared the fuck out of me.
***
Wednesday afternoon, I sat in the conference room with my prosecution team, going over the argument for trial the next day. Expert witnesses were coming in shortly to go over their testimony, and I’d give them a rundown of the questions that would be asked by me in court. I’d also prepare them for questions Emery might ask during the cross examination.
His Surrender Page 15