Buzz stopped tossing and scowled. "That's why you left all those lumps? You were trying to change me?"
Mr. Bittermaker shrugged and smiled. "I know...right? How dumb...was that?"
Buzz's scowl turned into a wicked grin. "Pretty dumb, Mr. B-M."
"See what I mean?" Mr. Bittermaker jabbed a finger at Buzz. "You know...I hate...that name! It stands for...'bowel movement'...not 'Bittermaker!'"
The two of them laughed until Mr. Bittermaker lapsed into a coughing jag. Just when Buzz was starting to think he should call the nurse, the coughing finally stopped.
"Oh...well." Mr. Bittermaker raised his shaking hands a few inches and turned them palms-up. "Can't blame a guy...for trying. And failing."
Buzz chuckled and reached out to rub the coal on the bed sheet, leaving a black smudge. "You really did fail, Mr. B-M. I'm even wrecking your nursing home. I'm getting coal dust all over the place."
Mr. Bittermaker looked at the smudge and shook his head. "Do you really...have to vandalize...my deathbed?"
Buzz laughed and made another black smudge. "Can I have this lump of coal? Since you didn't leave one in my mailbox this year?"
"No...actually." Mr. Bittermaker met his gaze. "But maybe you can...help me with it."
"Help you how?" said Buzz.
"You...can't be changed. I see that...now."
Buzz nodded firmly. "Right."
"But there are other...holy terrors...who might benefit...from a lump of coal...on Christmas." Mr. Bittermaker breathed in, then out, with effort. "It might help...keep them...in line...don't you think?"
Buzz shrugged. "Maybe."
"But I need...some help...from someone on the front lines," said Mr. Bittermaker. "Someone who knows...all the players...and all the tricks. Someone...like you."
"What kind of help?" said Buzz.
"Making a list...of the up-and-comers. The ones who could use...a good lump." Mr. Bittermaker's shaking finger pointed at the coal in Buzz's hand. "Maybe making...a few deliveries...even."
Before he said another word, Buzz did a reality check. Was he the kind of kid who'd hang around an old folks' home with a dying fogy? Didn't he have better things to do--geeks to pound, houses to vandalize, doughnuts to shoplift?
The Buzz he knew would never consider hanging around with Mr. B-M for even a minute. The Buzz he knew would never care that the old man was dying, or lonely, or sad. That Buzz would never get a funny feeling in the pit of his stomach when he thought about some of the things Mr. Bittermaker had said.
But there was one thing that all the Buzzes could agree on: how cool it would be to be the one giving out the lumps of coal instead of the one getting them.
Even if it meant keeping this one old fart company in the process. Even if, technically, that constituted doing something nice.
"What's...the verdict?" Mr. Bittermaker looked at him expectantly.
Buzz tossed the lump of coal in the air and caught it. "Got a pen and paper?"
So what if he did something nice? He'd just have to hope no one was paying attention.
*****
Now on Sale from Robert T. Jeschonek
A Young Adult Fantasy Novel That Really Rocks!
One of Booklist's Top Ten First Novels for Youth
Being trapped in a book can be a nightmare—just ask Idea Deity. He’s convinced that he exists only in the pages of a novel written by a malevolent author . . . and that he will die in Chapter 64. Meanwhile, Reacher Mirage, lead singer of the secret rock band Youforia, can’t figure out who’s posting information about him and his band online that only he should know. Someone seems to be pulling the strings of both teens’ lives . . . and they’re not too happy about it. With Youforia about to be exposed in a national magazine and Chapter 64 bearing down like a speeding freight train, time is running out. Will Idea and Reacher be able to join forces and take control of their own lives before it’s too late?
School of Rock meets Alice in Wonderland in this fast-paced, completely unpredictable novel of alternate realities, time travel, and rock ‘n’ roll. If your favorite band does not exist . . . do you?
"Overall, My Favorite Band Does Not Exist is a wacky and enjoyable trip...full of intriguing, imaginative concepts that keep a reader hooked." –Thom Dunn, The Daily Genoshan
"This first novel has all the look of a cult fave: baffling to many, an anthem for a few, and unlike anything else out there." –Ian Chipman, Booklist Starred Review
"Chaos theory meets rock 'n' roll in adult author Jeschonek's ambitious, reality-bending YA debut." "...this proudly surreal piece of metafiction could develop a cult following..."–Publishers Weekly
"Reading this reminded me of authors like Terry Prachett and Neil Gaiman…" –BiblioJunkies
Now Available from Graphia Books!
Order now from your favorite bookseller.
*****
LUMP
Copyright © 2012 by Robert T. Jeschonek
Cover Art Copyright © 2012 by Ben Baldwin
Published in May 2012 by Pie Press by arrangement with the author. All rights reserved by the author.
This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents either are products of the author's imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events or locales or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.
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