The weather had turned cold and rainy, reflecting her mood perfectly. But the bad weather meant business in her shop was slow and no one was around to distract her. The morning was spent reviewing inventory, which wasn’t the most thrilling part of the job, but it needed to be done and the familiarity of it helped her settle. Lunchtime rolled around, but she didn’t feel like eating. She’d had a craving for Hong Kong buns and pineapple floats since she’d been back, and nothing else seemed to satisfy her.
When Anne’s ring tone blared out of her phone, she leaped for it gratefully. Her friends knew what was going on, if only because Meg had taken one look at Julie when she’d gotten off the plane and it was all over. Meg knew something was wrong. Without a word, she’d opened her arms for a hug and Julie had started crying all over again.
Julie stabbed the button to accept the call. “Hey, Anne. What’s up?”
“Hey, doll,” her friend returned. “Do you want company or want to be left alone?”
Damn, if even Anne was being courteous and not barging into her shop to drag her out, she must have seemed worse than she thought. She took a sip of the chamomile tea sitting at her elbow. “I’d take some company. Just the girls though.”
The idea of being hauled back to Anne’s chaotic house for a visit was daunting. Two of her three younger sisters were home from college for winter intersession. Julie might be at loose ends, but no one was that desperate for company.
“Don’t worry. I won’t bring my sisters.” A beat passed. “Or my mother, of course.”
Julie almost spit out her tea. “I’d take your sisters over your mother any day.”
“Who wouldn’t?” Julie could all but see Anne roll her eyes. “Mom’s going into Victorian decline because Cami’s break is ending and she’s going back to the dorms.”
“Oh Jesus.” Anything the drama mama could find to wig out about, she would. It wasn’t like she’d done the raising of her daughters anyway. Anne had brought up the younger ones.
“Tell me about it,” Anne groaned. “I need to get out of the house for a while.”
“How’s Karen handling the Victorian decline?”
Anne was quiet for a long moment. “She went apartment hunting this morning. She’s moving back to Half Moon Bay.”
The announcement made Julie blink. Seriously? She’d broken up with Tate maybe sixteen days ago. “She didn’t tell us she was house hunting.”
Anne’s sigh crackled the phone line. “She didn’t tell anyone until she was on her way out the door. But you know how Karen is when she makes up her mind.”
“Stubborn as a terrier. I’m just surprised she’s moving so fast. I kind of expected them to try to work it out, maybe get some counseling.” Then again, she wasn’t sure if Tate had actually accepted that Karen had a legitimate beef with his workaholic tendencies.
And thinking about Karen’s divorce made her think of Lukas and his ex-wife, and all the former spousal issues that kept people from moving on with their lives. She hoped Karen managed to get over Tate faster than Lukas had his ex. She knew that wasn’t really fair, but it hurt to know you’d found Mr. Right and couldn’t have him because of the former Mrs. Wrong. A tiny part of her kind of wanted to knock Lukas’s and Tate’s skulls together.
“He’s an idiot for letting her go.” Emotion choked those words, and Julie knew she’d taken Karen’s news a little too personally.
Anne would have noticed too, but she didn’t say a word. It might be the first time in her life that she’d managed to be circumspect about anything. “So, Karen wanted to meet for lunch at the Moonside Café. Meg said she could make it, and it looks like you can too.”
“I might be more into coffee than food, but I’ll be there.”
“Do I need to nag you about eating right post-breakup?” Anne’s tone turned threatening, and Julie’s lips curled in a reluctant grin.
“When are we meeting?” She glanced at the clock. It was almost one.
“In thirty minutes.”
Meg, Anne, and Julie sat at the Moonside Café half an hour later, waiting for Karen to finish up at an apartment tour. The waitress brought them a round of coffee without being asked. There was a sign that they’d been here once or twice. A week. For years. The familiarity of it felt nice, but it also felt…odd. Like trying on an old sweater. The fit was good, but Julie had changed so much since the last time she’d worn it. She’d have to readjust.
“You’re not eating right, and I’m betting you’re not sleeping well.” Anne gave her a frank look. “Want me to hunt him down and kill him?”
Straggling out a laugh, Julie shook her head. “It’s a tempting offer, but no. I understand why he didn’t want to take our affair beyond Hawaii. I think…he had deeper feelings for me than he was comfortable with, and that made him even more reluctant to pursue anything with me. It scared him.”
“Maybe he’ll come around. I did.” Meg’s grin was sheepish. She’d put Finn through hell before she’d finally agreed to go out with him.
Julie shrugged, refusing to let herself give in to that kind of thinking. That would drive her batty. “Maybe, but I can’t spend my life hoping, you know?”
Her friends exchanged a glance. Anne finally asked, “Do you love him?”
“Yeah.” The word emerged as a sigh.
She’d been in love before, but nothing had ever felt so intense, so deep, so necessary. Yet it was…comfortable. Many of her other relationships had made her feel as if she had to alter some part of herself in order for it to fit. The time she’d spent with Lukas had been effortless. Even when things were going wrong, they’d worked together to fix the issue and managed to laugh along the way. What woman wouldn’t want to hang on to a guy like that? Not counting his ex, of course, but she’d been mentally ill, so that had to be factored in.
Getting over Lukas was going to take a long, long while.
But she’d survive. It would hurt, but she’d get through this the way she’d gotten through everything else. One minute at a time, and every day would get a bit easier. She was strong enough to deal with this. She’d cry and be sad and get mad and vent to her friends, but life would go on. It always did.
The bell over the door jangled as Karen pushed through. She brushed her blonde hair out of her eyes, and managed a weak smile when she saw them. Man, Julie hoped she didn’t look as bad as her friend. It was an uncharitable thought, but Karen looked like hell. Dark circles under her eyes, pinched features, pale cheeks.
“Hey.” Julie held out her arms, and Karen came over to collapse in the chair next to her, leaning in for a hug.
A sudden little sob shook Karen’s frame. “Men suck.”
“They really, really do,” Anne agreed.
Julie whispered, “I’m sorry he hurt you.”
“Back at ya.” Karen pulled away and swiped at her eyes. Her chin tilted defiantly. “Men. Boil them in oil.”
Grinning wickedly, Anne leaned her elbows on the table. “We should have an anti-man party.”
Shooting the redhead a glance, Meg was the one who dared to question the hating party. “What would that entail?”
Taking on her customary role of instigator, Julie waved a hand. “Kill Bill marathon? Sweatpants and sloppy hair. All the foods they tell you not to order on dates. More cupcakes than you can eat in a week.”
“Ice cream?” Karen asked plaintively.
Meg pointed out, “It’s January.”
“With hot fudge sauce.” Karen folded her arms over her chest and arched an eyebrow.
“Whatever you want.”
The planning for the anti-man party had reached outrageous and ludicrous proportions, and it wasn’t until Meg flatly refused to allow Finn to be used as the sacrifice on a makeshift altar that they’d decided to stick to fattening foods and bad movies. Julie was still grinning when she went back to her shop an hour later. The rain let up a bit, and she had a knitting class at four o’clock, so she was feeling a bit more cheerful than she had that morni
ng.
Hanging out with her friends had been restorative. It had taken going away to realize how lucky she was. Not that she hadn’t appreciated her life before, but she felt as if some of the burdens that had pressed down on her chest had dissipated in the time she’d been away.
She spent some time processing online orders, prepping shipments of yarn, and catching up with paperwork. It felt good to check things off the to-do list. She wandered around the store, straightening and organizing as she went. Her gaze went to the roving yarn in the basket next to her spinning wheel. The last batch she’d dyed with Auntie Eloise, still unfinished. A sad smile curved her lips. She wondered what Eloise would have made of Lukas. Julie thought the old lady would have approved. She definitely would have approved of an island love affair. Of course, Auntie would have focused on the affair, where Julie focused on the love.
Drawing in a deep breath, she went over to the wheel and sat down. She needed to finish this batch. For her aunt, for herself, to prove how far she’d come. It was time. She was ready.
It occurred to her that without Lukas to listen and understand and offer comfort, she might not be in a mindset where she could say a final goodbye to this last project. He’d given her so much—probably more than he’d realized—and she’d always be grateful for that. The rest would take time and acceptance and patience, but she’d be okay. Some day.
“Professor, I think I figured out the problem we discussed.”
Lukas glanced up from his computer at one of his graduate student assistants. The young man had his laptop in hand and a flush of excitement to his cheeks. The thrill of new discovery. Then again, this particular student tended to be excited about everything. He had the endearing and obnoxious personality of an overeager puppy.
“Come in.” He waved the student into a chair, and they spent the next hour and a half working through the research the student was assisting him with. They made good progress, and Lukas sat back satisfied.
“These are some truly exciting results, Dr. Klein. I can’t wait to finish work on the article so we can share our findings.” His eyes widened. “This is just mind-boggling.”
Lukas looked away to hide his grin at the quiver of eagerness in the young man’s voice. “We’ve done good work here, but we have a great deal more to do.”
“But that’s the best part! Don’t you just love your work?”
“When politics don’t get in the way, yes. I really do.” Lukas nodded, rose and started packing his leather messenger bag. It was time to wrap up for the day.
The student’s feathery eyebrows rose. “Politics?”
“Doctorate means ego and a university is full of them.” Lukas shrugged.
“Doctorates or egos?” The student rolled his eyes. “Yeah, both. Well, I’ll avoid the politics as long as I can and continue to relish my work. I’ll email you as soon as this last set of simulations is complete.”
“You do that.”
The young man bounced to his feet, shook Lukas’s hand with enough vigor to dislocate his shoulder, and then scurried out of the office. Yes, definitely an overeager pup.
He grinned and shook his head. Julie would crack up and make comments about housebreaking the grad students when he told her ab—
The thought cut off before it even finished. He couldn’t tell Julie anything. In fact, he didn’t have anyone to tell about this. One of his colleagues, perhaps. His mother, when he called her on Monday. But there was no one to talk to when he got home tonight.
Sure, he was alone. By choice. He’d been alone since his divorce, but this was the first time he’d noticed he was also lonely. His house was empty and didn’t have half the life that those two small hotel rooms in Hawaii had offered. Because he’d shared them with Julie.
The longer he’d gone without her, the more he’d questioned the decision he’d made. Had it really been wise not to conduct that particular relationship experiment? To not even try? If he had given up at the first challenge he’d ever faced, he wouldn’t have made it through graduate school or survived the shark-infested waters of the tenure process.
The problem was, his last relationship was the most traumatizing thing that had ever happened to him. Overcoming that was more of a challenge than he’d ever faced before. He’d just never found anyone or anything that made it worth it to him.
Until now.
After flipping off the light switch and locking up his office, he headed for his car. The last two weeks had forced him to do a lot of soul searching.
He’d exchanged a few more emails with Lilith about the car in order to arrange things so she could sell it. Somehow, dealing with her now didn’t seem as big an issue as it once had. She was the past and, for the first time, he knew that was true instead of just paying lip service to it. She’d been a sad, troubled woman and didn’t seem to have changed much, despite her stint in an institution, which made her all the more pitiable. He hadn’t been able to see that clearly when he’d been hip-deep in the drama of her problems, but he could now. He hoped for her sake she got some real help someday, but that wasn’t his concern anymore. Still, he was thankful he hadn’t had to see her or speak to her to get the vehicle issue straightened out. Less contact was better. He had no desire to get sucked back in to the quagmire that was Lilith. But he didn’t loathe her anymore. She was a sick woman and that wasn’t his fault. He’d done his best by her, but he couldn’t save her from herself. He wasn’t to blame for that either.
He really had managed to get beyond what his marriage had done him. Who’d have thought it possible? And he could lay the credit at Julie’s feet. He wasn’t the same man he’d been before he met her. She was like a storm that broke over his life and swept everything along in its wake. It wasn’t until the storm passed that one could assess the changes that had been wrought.
He loved her for it. He loved her for being her, for accepting and understanding him, for…everything. And he hadn’t even had the guts to tell her before he left. It was the one thing he truly regretted about their time together.
The sky was just starting to turn pink and orange with sunset when he reached the parking lot. It wasn’t as lovely as the ones in Hawaii, but he wouldn’t have cared if he had Julie by his side. And that was exactly where he wanted her.
So what was he still doing here, thinking about how much he owed her, how much he missed her, how much he loved her? She was only thirty minutes away if he got in his car and headed west.
He’d been asking himself the same question for three days now, and the bottom line was he was scared shitless. What if he finally got up the nerve to try again and then she rejected him? She had every right to. He’d refused her love and walked out on her. He deserved it if she wanted to punch him in the face. It had never been his intention to hurt her, but he’d done so anyway. And now he had to figure out how to make it right.
No small task for a man who’d been running scared from women like her for five years. And he honestly couldn’t say he regretted it. If he’d settled for someone else after his divorce, he might never have met Julie. And that would have been the real tragedy.
“Shit.” He flung his bag onto the passenger seat of his car and then slid in behind the wheel. He dug out his cell phone, pulled up her number, and stared at it. Just as he had for the last three days. What would he say to her? That he was an ass and she could do better than a bitter, used-up jerk like him? That he loved her and would worship the ground she walked on for the rest of his life if she would just stay the amazing woman she was and never go crazy on him? Hell, all of that. And it felt wrong to have that conversation over the phone.
He tapped the screen and exited his contact list. On impulse, he did a search for fiber arts stores in Half Moon Bay. Three came up and he remembered hers was called Purl Moon. It was open until 7pm today. It was 6:15pm now.
Just enough time to get there, if he hurried. Sliding the key in the ignition, he blew out a breath. He needed to see her, not just call her. So he started his
car and drove. Traffic was light and there was a parking space open right in front of her shop. If he were the type to believe in fate, he’d say it was a sign.
His fingers trembled a little as he reached for the door handle to Purl Moon. What if the place were loaded with customers? What if she didn’t want to see him? He’d pushed her out of his life, rejected the love she’d offered so freely.
He’d made her cry.
That was the worst crime of all. He’d had heaven within his grasp and he’d been too stubborn, too blind, and too gutless to hold onto it. She might see that as unforgivable, no matter how he tried to justify his actions. She knew his reasons, but she also knew he’d stomped all over her heart.
Closing his eyes, he swore under his breath, grabbed the handle, and walked inside. The place screamed of Julie. Beautiful, quirky, and something about it just made you want to reach out and touch. There were yarns tucked into every nook and cranny. Diamond shaped shelves laddered up to the ceiling, all stacked with bundles in a myriad of colors. There was a babble of voices coming from the back, so he followed the sound, unsure if he was happy or not that someone else was clearly here. It meant someone else would witness whatever happened next, but it also meant she might not throw him out the moment she saw him. She wouldn’t want a customer to see a confrontation.
And there she was, so beautiful she made him ache. She spoke with two elderly women, discussing the difference between soy and bamboo. Soy yarn, really? He slid his hands in his pockets and allowed himself the simple pleasure of watching her. If this didn’t go well, it might be the last time he got the opportunity. The other women turned away and began packing up their belongings, and it was now or never.
“Julie.”
Her head snapped up, her eyes rounding with shock as she stared at him. “Lukas.”
She took a step toward him, then hesitated and he didn’t know if that was a bad thing or a good thing.
“Is this a friend of yours, dear?” one of the old ladies piped up, her blue eyes gleaming with interest behind her thick glasses.
Hawaiian Holiday: Destination Desire, Book 2 Page 14