by J. L. Murray
I was about to throw in the towel, when I felt something give way. Something shifting, like the images around me. I opened my eyes, and he was there. Looking at me with a shocked expression.
“How did you do that?” he said.
“Does it matter?” I said. The truth was, I didn't know how I'd done it, or better yet, how I had known I could do it.
“I don't know,” said Sam. He took a step toward me. “Something's different.”
“Tell me about the Watchers,” I said.
“Oh,” he said.
“Lucifer told me they were powerful. More powerful than the Arches. Is that true?”
He sighed. “Yes, it's true.”
“Did you know?” I said.
“Know what?” he said. But I could have sworn he looked guilty.
“When you met me, when you hired me, did you know who my father was?”
“I didn't know you held the soul of the Creator, if that's what you're getting at,” Sam said.
“That's not what I asked.”
Sam met my eyes. “Yes,” he said. “I knew your father. I knew of your potential and I didn't tell you, and that was very, very wrong.” He shook his head. “I'm sorry.”
I nodded and felt my shoulders sag. Not from sadness, or from the relief of finally knowing. But something else. Sam had lied to me, even when it had been so important to me to know. When I was tortured about Sasha, when I had confided in Sam that I was becoming just like my father, Sam had known that Sasha wasn't my father. And he hadn't said a word. He had kept his mouth shut when I had cried about my worry that I was becoming just as violent and heartless as Sasha. Instead of making me angry, I felt almost relieved. I had been keeping an image in my head of Sam as a selfless hero. The fact that he had manipulated me made his death a little more bearable.
“How powerful are they, Sam? The Watchers. I've felt so strange. Not just the Death thing, but these dreams, and...I'm just different.”
“You carry my soul,” said Sam. “Otherwise you're the same as you've always been. Minus the essence of God, that is.”
“I don't know,” I said. “Maybe it's just the knowing that makes me feel different.”
“Lucifer told you?” He frowned.
“Yes. Why?”
“Be very careful, Niki,” said Sam. “He can be very dangerous. I don't want you to get hurt.”
“People said the same thing about you,” I said.
He smiled wanly. “I imagine they did.” He stepped toward me and took my hand. “It's not jealousy, Niki. I promise you that. Lucifer is...he may seem changed now, but people don't really change. Not for good. If you knew him before you would understand. He is my brother, and I've always been close to him, but he can be very unstable.”
“So can I,” I said. He frowned at me. “I'll be fine. He's been a perfect gentleman.”
“Wait,” said Sam, looking confused. “Why are you still in Erebos?”
“I was helping Lucifer,” I said. “I heard you say to help him, in my head. Is there a problem?”
Sam's eyes widened and he squeezed my hand so tightly it hurt. “Not Lucifer,” he said in a voice that sounded near panic. “Niki, I told you to help Robert.”
“Bobby?” I said. “Bobby Gage?”
“Yes,” said Sam, his voice almost a hiss. He let go of my hand and ran his hand through his hair, making it stand on end. “Oh this is bad. This is very bad. You didn't go look for him?”
“Calm down,” I said, in a low voice, trying to stay calm even though my heart was racing. “What's happened to Bobby?”
“He's missing,” said Sam. He squeezed my shoulders. “You have to go find him, Niki. Something is very wrong.”
“Wait, how do you know all this?” I said. “Aren't you stuck in my head? How the hell would you know that Bobby's missing if I had no idea?”
“Didn't you?” said Sam. “Didn't you know he was going mad again? What about the funeral?”
I shook my head. “He was just upset,” I said. “Or drunk, maybe.”
“No,” said Sam. “I can't feel him anymore. I was linked with everyone that worked with me, you included. I can't feel him at all. Haven't been able to for some time now.”
“So you're saying that Bobby's gone off the rails, and now he's missing for some reason?”
“I'm saying you need to wake up,” said Sam. “Now!”
I sat up in bed, my heart racing. I remembered Bobby at the funeral, a look of utter desperation on his face. He had screamed in the middle of the funeral home. After his wife and son were brutally murdered, he spent a long time in a mental institution, and then he lived on the streets. He was living in a tent on a sidewalk when Sam found him. When he had panicked in the funeral home, I just watched as he drove away. I didn't even try to follow him. The funeral was bullshit, Sofi hadn't wanted it. But I had let my only friend run away in obvious distress. What kind of person does that?
I knew Sam was right. I had to get back to the world and make sure Bobby was okay. The screaming outside had ceased and thin rays of light were coming through the cracks in the shutters. It only felt like minutes, but I had slept all night. I shoved my feet into my boots and knotted them, then I rushed out the door, not noticing the demon I mowed over until we were both on the floor in the hall.
“I'm sorry,” I said, out of breath. I stood up and helped the little demon up. It was the same person that had led me to Lucifer the day before. He hurriedly backed away from me, bowing quickly, and brushing himself off. “I'm really sorry, but I have to find Lucifer,” I said. “It's very important.”
“I've just come to fetch you for him,” said the demon. “There is a meal waiting in the dining room. I will show you –“
“No need,” I said. “I know the way.” I set off down the stairs, winding around the twists and turns like I had always been here. The tower, intimidating at first, felt familiar to me now. I wasn't sure why. I found the dining room easily. Lucifer stood up when he saw me.
“Niki, what's wrong?” he said, as I rushed over to him, out of breath.
“I have to go back,” I panted. “It's my friend Bobby. He needs me. No one knows where he is.”
Lucifer frowned. “Perhaps we should eat and talk this over.”
“No time,” I said, shaking my head. “I've been here too long already. Bobby's in trouble, and I think it might be my fault. Please.”
“I don't understand,” he said, lowering his voice. “How do you know this?”
I bit my lip, debating whether to tell him or not. He had been so honest with me, that it seemed wrong to lie to him. “This is going to sound crazy,” I said.
“I am quite familiar with that state of mind,” he said, his eyes crinkling ever so slightly.
I pursed my lips. It even felt crazy in my head. I knew it was true, though. It had to be. “Sam told me,” I said, the words coming out as barely a whisper.
“Oh,” he said, his eyebrows shooting up.
“I know how it sounds,” I said. “But you have to trust me, Lucifer. It's real.”
“I have no doubt that it is,” he said, solemnly.
“You believe me?” I said, surprised. ”
“Of course,” he said with a shrug. “Why shouldn't I?”
“Because I just said that your dead brother told me my friend was in trouble.”
“Niki, you are Death, among other things. And you have my brother's soul. That in itself brings a whole new range of interesting things to the table. I don't doubt for a second that Sam communicates with you, unmade or not. He's lodged in your head. I'm sure you must dream about him.”
“They're not just dreams,” I said, staring at Lucifer. “He talks to me. I feel pain, I can smell and taste and touch. I can cry. I don't know what's happening to me. And now sometimes I can hear him when I'm not asleep.”
“I'm sure he's not happy about you being here,” said Lucifer, a corner of his mouth lifting.
“No,” I said, frowning. “Why is tha
t?”
“I was a monster,” he said with a shrug. “And we had a very unsettling disagreement.”
“I thought you were close.”
“Well, you met Michael, didn't you?” said Lucifer. “Wouldn't you rather the company of a monster? Besides, I had my bursts of sanity even back then.”
I shook my head. “I can't talk about this right now,” I said. “I have to go, I'm sorry. I can come back if you need my help. I think I can find my own way back.”
“Please,” said Lucifer. “Don't be obtuse. I'll take you.”
“Fine,” I said. “But I have to go now.”
“You may need help,” said Lucifer.
“What makes you say that?”
Lucifer shrugged. “This man who is missing, he helped you when you worked for Samael, yes?”
“Yeah,” I said slowly.
“My point is that you have very few people left alive to help you. You may need...what's the word?”
I sighed. “Backup?”
“That's the one,” he said. “I owe you for yesterday. I'll come with you.”
“Aren't you a little busy here?” I said.
“I can come back if I'm needed. Besides, I like spending time with you. And you may need help balancing your duties. I can help you with that.”
I rolled my eyes. “Okay, whatever. But you stay out of my way, okay? No messing around. This is my friend that's missing. Not some weird Death and Lucifer adventure. Got it?”
“Quite understood,” said Lucifer. “Shall we?” He held out his elbow to me.
“Stop it with the gentleman shit,” I said.
“Very well,” he said, putting his arm down. “I shall stop it with the gentleman shit.” Lucifer smirked. “I think I liked you better when you were drunk.”
“Deal with it,” I said.
EIGHT
As soon as our feet touched down in the Deep Blue Sea I backed quickly away from Lucifer. He looked at me quizzically. I couldn't explain it, even to myself, but my confessions left me feeling awkward and embarrassed. And the fact that I'd had one of my face-time conversations with Sam just seemed to make matters worse.
As soon as we had broken through to the world, my chest began to throb like my heart was about to explode. I caught my breath with my back turned to Lucifer, trying not to let on how much it hurt. I could feel the souls pulling at me, but I fought it.
I walked to the bar slowly and picked up the cell phone I had left there. It still had a little power, thankfully. I dialed Bobby's number. Voicemail. I put the phone in my pocket and turned to face Lucifer.
“We need to go to my apartment,” I said. “I have to pick up a few things and change my clothes.”
“How will we travel?” said Lucifer, eying me. He knew there was something wrong, I could see it in his face. “I haven't been in the world in a very long time.”
“We'll take my car. It's right outside.” It was paining me just to talk. I didn't know how long I could go on fighting the pull of the dead without booze, but I didn't want to drive after I'd been slugging whiskey. Even if I wouldn't die – and I wasn't positive that I wouldn't, no matter what all these damn angels were telling me – someone else could. The booze didn't seem to affect me in the same way any more, but I wasn't about to test that theory on the road.
Lucifer had to practically hug his knees to fit in my little car. “Are you sure this is an automobile?” he said.
“I'll bring the Bentley around next time,” I said sarcastically. I started the motor and whipped the car around, swerving onto the street. I stepped on the gas and the car buzzed along the street. I went as fast as I dared, and pulled to a stop right in front of my apartment building. I looked at the place through the car window.
“Everything all right?” Lucifer said.
“Yeah,” I said. “Fine.”
“You lived here with her, didn't you? With your godmother?” I nodded. “Must be hard to come back,” he said. His tone of voice told me he was being genuine.
“I'm sorry I snapped at you before,” I said. “It's just my way.”
“I know,” said Lucifer.
I shook my head. “Are all angels stalkers?” I said. “How long have you been watching me?”
“Watching you?” he said. “I haven't been watching you.”
“Oh,” I said. “Then how do you know how I deal with things?”
“We've spent time together,” said Lucifer. “I understand. Why would you assume I've been watching you?”
I didn't want to tell him that his brother had stalked me before we even met. It was still weird to think about. Creepy, even. “I barely know you,” I said. “What makes you think you get me?”
“It's not difficult,” he said. “We're the same in many ways.”
“Am I so easy to figure out?”
“Of course not,” he said. “I have worried about you of late, though. It isn't right for you to do this alone.”
“What? Find Bobby?” I said. “I've done worse to keep my friends safe. Not that it's done much good.”
“No,” said Lucifer. “You were thrust into Samael's world. You had no choice but to take over his duties. It's not easy. Especially for someone who isn't accustomed to it. You didn't want it, Niki. And that's tragic.”
I looked at him. He looked ridiculous, squashed up in my tiny car, his large frame folded like a lawn chair. But there was an honesty in his eyes when I looked at him. Honesty and a tinge of sadness. It had set me at ease he night before. I remembered Sam's warning, the same warning Bobby had given me when things started getting intense with Sam and me. This was ridiculous. Sam had been gone little over three months and I was already drinking wine and having dinner with his brother. Peachy. But at the back of my mind I remembered that Sam had known who my father was, and he hadn't told me. I was still processing that. I wondered if Lucifer would ever keep something so monumental from me. As far as I could tell, he was nothing but brutally honest. I got out of the car and breathed the cold, rainy air, trying to clear my head. The pulling was getting more intense and I had to force air into my lungs.
“Did I say something to offend you?” said Lucifer.
“Let's just go inside,” I said. “We're wasting time with all this yammering.”
“It's not going to stop,” he said, following me to the front door.
“The talking?” I said. “I'm getting that distinct impression.”
“The dead,” he said. I turned to look at him. “You have to help them cross over. Even Samael couldn't fight it. Not for long anyway.”
“I can't,” I said, reaching for the knob. “I have to find Bobby.”
Lucifer held my arm and I looked at him again. “Niki,” he said, his voice low. “You have to take care of the spirits or it will tear you apart.”
I pulled my arm away from him. “You don't understand,” I said, more emotion in my voice than I meant to let out. “It's Gage. I can't just leave him. He would never leave me.”
“There may be more to this than you know,” Lucifer said. “Don't sacrifice yourself for your friend. It's not going to change the way things are.”
“What does that mean?”
“It means,” he said, his voice rising, “that you need to take care of yourself first. The pain will just get worse and worse, and the harder you fight it, the worse it will be. I told you I could help you with this. You have to trust me.”
“And Sam told me not to trust you,” I blurted out. Lucifer took a step back as if the words were a blow. Pain filled his eyes for only a moment, then it was gone as if it had never been there.
“He had every reason to believe that,” said Lucifer, his voice quiet. “He might still be here if I had helped him against Michael. I held a grudge for things long-past. And I have not been the most trustworthy person. But believe me when I say, Niki, that you have no reason to fear me. You have my word that I would never let any harm come to you. Do you understand?”
“I'm sorry,” I said. “I
shouldn't have said that.”
“You had every reason to say that,” said Lucifer, a sad smile on his face. “It's the truth.”
I closed my eyes, my hand still on the knob that led into my apartment building. “Okay,” I said. “I'll tend to the souls. But I want to get dressed first. Maybe splash some water on my face.”
“I'm coming with you,” said Lucifer.
“To splash water on my face?”
“No,” he said, his patience seeming to wear thin. “To tend to the dead.”
I frowned. “Can you see them?” I said.
“Of course I can see them,” he said. “I'm Lucifer.”
“We find Bobby afterward, though,” I said. “No more wasting time.”
“Of course.”
The apartment was so quiet it made my aching body hurt even more. I stood in the living room, looking around, the absence of Sofi so loud that it seemed to be mocking me. It seemed impossible that the world could just go on the way it was when she wasn't in it any more. Reality should have been unknitting itself, like an intricate sweater with a large hole, every tiny movement unraveling a little more, until there was nothing left but yarn.
I looked back at Lucifer, who smiled gently at me. It felt strange for him to be here with me. He even looked out of place, like some kind of warrior from another age. He would have looked less out of place wielding a battle axe than he did standing in my living room.
“I think I have some of Sasha's old clothes in a box somewhere,” I said.
“What's wrong with what I'm wearing?” he said.
I eyed his old-fashioned trousers, his linen shirt unbuttoned at the top, his high boots. He looked like a handsome pirate. The impression was only exacerbated by his tangled blond hair that fell to his shoulders. He was very rogue-ish.
I laughed, but it turned to a cough as the pain in my sternum intensified. “Trust me,” I said. “You'll fit in better if I give you some clothes. Make yourself at home. I'll be back in a minute. I'd better take a quick shower. I'm sure there's some funeral food in the fridge if you're hungry.”