by J. L. Murray
“Oh, God,” he said, scrambling in the sheets. “No, no, no, no! Not yet, please not yet.”
“You know me?” I said.
“I don't want to die,” he said, his eyes watering.
I walked over to him. “I'm not here for you,” I said firmly. “Calm down.”
He froze, staring at me with his wide eyes. “You're not?”
“No,” I said. “I'm looking for my friend.”
“No one else here,” said the guy quickly. “Only me.”
“He's gone now,” I said. “Did you see him? Big guy? Name's Bobby?”
He nodded quickly. “I saw him,” he said. “Quiet. Quiet, quiet, quiet.” He reached up to scratch his nose and I could see cutmarks all up and down his arms.
“Did he say where he was going?” I said.
“He didn't say anything.” He laughed. “Is he hiding from you? How do you hide from the Reaper? She always finds you. Always, always, always.” His hand thrust out and grabbed my hand. Images shot through my head. A man beating a small child with a belt, the child wailing, a smoky house with empty liquor bottles covering a coffee table, a slovenly-looking woman passed out on the couch, the boy a teenager, hunching down in school, the boy, looking closer to the age he was now, hunched in a messy bedroom and cutting at his arm with a razor blade. The boy, looking not any older, lying in a pool of blood on a dirty bathroom floor. And there it was again. A pull. Something that felt dark and quiet that nudged me forward more. I could see more if I wanted to. I could take it all.
I pulled my hand away with a gasp. I looked at Lucifer, who didn't seem to notice anything strange had happened. I could still see the boy dead on the restroom floor, the smell of urine still in my nostrils. Just like that. He was dead. I didn't think it was very far down the road, either. I stared at the guy in the bed for a moment. Then I made up my mind and pulled my sunglasses off. I bent down and looked into his eyes.
“Stop cutting,” I said. “You don't want to cut any more. You won't feel bad about yourself anymore. Those people that raised you, you'll remember them like a bad dream. They don't matter. Go to school, get a job, do anything you want. Don't be self-destructive. You don't have to be that person. Got it? Live your life. So few of us have that freedom.”
“Okay,” he said weakly. “Okay, okay, okay.”
“What's your name?” I said.
“Randy.”
“Start now, Randy.”
He nodded and I stood up. I backed away from him and he blinked. His eyes slid past me, seeming to forget I was there. After a minute, he rolled over and closed his eyes. In seconds he was snoring.
Lucifer was staring at me.
“What?” I said, harsher than I'd meant to.
“Nothing,” he said. He smiled his half-smile at me.
“Stop smiling like that,” I said. I felt somehow naked. I hadn't meant to do that with Randy. But I couldn't see such a sad life and do nothing. No one with the power to help would have ignored that.
“Sorry,” said Lucifer. “You're just...” He shook his head. “You try so hard to be hostile. But I think you're the kindest person I've ever met.”
“Whatever,” I said. “He just needed someone to tell him he was okay. No one should have to die like that.”
“Like what?” he said.
“Lonely,” I said.
“Do you think you can change it?” said Lucifer.
“Change what?” I said. I took a step toward the other side of the room and my boot crunched. I looked down and saw something white on the ground. Salt. It surrounded the bed. At least we knew Bobby was really here. I almost laughed. I scooped some up and put it in my jacket pocket. Just in case. Salt came in pretty handy, in my experience.
“His fate. Do you think it took?”
I sighed. “How should I know?”
“Please,” he said, touching my arm. “Appease my curiosity.” He nodded to the sleeping kid.
“I don't have time for this,” I said. But I went anyway and, bracing myself, touched my fingers to the back of his exposed neck. The images came again. I pulled back as soon as I saw his death. I didn't like that dark pull that came afterward. It felt wrong. I could feel Lucifer staring at me when I let go. I couldn't help but smile. “I changed it,” I said. “He was at least in his sixties. Heart attack.” I looked at Lucifer. “He got married. No kids, but they were...enough for each other.” I shook my head. “It worked. It really worked.”
Lucifer smiled. “You saved his life.”
“That's a change,” I said. I looked at Randy's sleeping form. At least something good would come of all this. One life had been extended. Maybe even saved. It wasn't much, but if one person could find happiness, especially someone who had never had it, it was enough. It was a good feeling.
“It's not only death, you know,” said Lucifer. I looked at him. “There's so much more. If you could only see it. If you would let yourself see it.”
“You're probably right,” I said. “But death is the only part I see right now. And I just want to find Bobby.” I walked over to his side of the room again. There was nothing here. It looked like he hadn't even been here. Nothing in the nightstand, and it was clean under the bed. I rummaged through the blankets, unmaking the bed. Nothing. I sat down on the mattress and put my face in my hands. I felt the bed move as Lucifer sat next to me.
“I have no idea where to go next,” I said. I felt so helpless. I didn't like the feeling one bit. There had been way too much of it lately.
“Maybe we can try his house again,” said Lucifer.
“Forget it,” I said. “This is pointless. If Bobby Gage wanted to be found, I would have found him by now. His name isn't even Bobby. This has all just been a huge waste of time.”
“I think Randy would disagree.”
I looked at him, but he wasn't making fun of me. He was being genuine. “Yeah, I guess he would.”
“You just need sleep,” he said. “You might feel differently tomorrow.”
I shook my head. “I can't sleep yet. I have to tend to the dead.”
“Now?” he said.
“It hurts pretty bad,” I admitted.
“You didn't say anything.”
I shrugged. “It's not really my thing to talk about how I feel,” I said. “At least not until you came along.” I closed my eyes. “You've been gone all day. You should get back to Erebos.” I opened my eyes and looked at him. He was looking back at me, his face serious, a frown line between his eyebrows. It wasn't hard to look at him anymore. I didn't see Sam. I just saw Lucifer. “Thank you for everything you've done today, Lucifer. I don't know if I could have gotten through it without you. It's been a really bad couple of months.” I laughed a dry, humorless laugh. “A bad life, actually.”
“I know,” he said.
Without even thinking about it, I reached over and laced my fingers through his. We sat there like that, motionless, for a long time. I was afraid to look at him, but I could feel his eyes on me. After what felt like an eternity, he squeezed my hand.
“I have to go back,” he said. “But let me help you with the souls first.”
I finally met his eyes. “You don't have to,” I said.
“I can't do much,” he said. “But you're exhausted. Does it help to have someone with you?”
“Yes,” I said without hesitating.
“Then let's go,” he said.
“What about Erebos?” I said. “Aren't you worried?”
“It's only been one day,” he said.
I nodded. “Okay.” I felt the pressure of his fingers on my hand, the warmth of contact. I had always done the things I needed to do on my own. I'd protected my loved ones any way I had to. Maybe it was time to let someone help me. It would take some getting used to, but I realized that I needed it. And despite the danger of Lucifer's other self, I liked being around him. But even stranger was that I didn't want him to leave. He countered my craziness. Maybe I could counter his if it came down to it. I felt
a flutter of guilt in my belly. I shouldn't be thinking such things. I had a damn dead boyfriend in my head.
“Ready?” he said.
“Yeah,” I said, and I let the pull take us.
FOURTEEN
A middle-aged couple in a car crash on a mountain road. A man with a kitchen knife sticking out of his abdomen, a woman with a black eye and a bruised face rocking back and forth on her heels nearby. A fire in a factory, five souls staring into the flames, uncomprehending. I took them all. Lucifer and I didn't talk much. We didn't have to. I was here to do a job. But when we were being pulled from place to place, and I took his hand, I knew what it was that gave me comfort. Touching him was the first contact, human or angel, that I'd had in over a month. Since that last kiss I'd shared with Sam, I had barely interacted with anyone living, much less had lasting contact with them. My body seemed to crave it. Even though in my mind I knew that Sam might on some level know everything I was feeling – and for his brother, no less – I couldn't help but feel it. It pissed me off because I had no control over it, but I felt it nonetheless.
I knew there was only one stop left. Our feet touched down on snow, tall trees silhouetted against a dark sky. I shivered in the cold. A darkened cabin stood in front of us. As the moon emerged from the clouds I could see it was an old cabin, made of darkened rough-hewn logs. It looked as though it had been forgotten. I heard a creak and saw that the front door had been left open. Even from ten feet away I could smell the blood.
“Oh no,” I said.
“He's been here, hasn't he?” said Lucifer.
“Yes. How do I know that?” I said.
“You just do.”
We walked toward the house, our shoes crunching in the snow. There were no footprints besides our own. I stopped just short of the steps.
“Niki, I'd like to show you something before you go in there,” said Lucifer. I looked at him. His dark eyes glittered in the darkness. My chest ached from the pull. My whole body ached. I wanted very badly to sleep without dreaming.
“What is it?” I said.
Lucifer took my hand and led me away from the house, toward the trees. Snow lay in sparkling drifts, brightening the forest. It was so quiet and there was a thick, rich, clean smell to the air. I inhaled deeply, filling my lungs.
“Do you feel it?” said Lucifer. He was looking out at the landscape.
“I feel cold,” I said.
“No,” he said, turning his head to look at me. “Try again. Close your eyes.”
“Seriously?” I said.
“Yes,” said Lucifer. “Close your eyes and tell me what you feel.”
I closed my eyes. “I feel stupid. Is that what you mean?”
“Try,” he said, an edge of irritation to his voice.
I took a deep breath. “I feel death behind me,” I said. “I feel a spirit that's lost.”
“What else?” His voice was low and quiet in my ear.
I concentrated. “I feel a storm coming. It's going to snow. I feel...”
“Yes?”
I frowned. “I feel...the trees. Is that possible? I can feel them stretching.” I laughed. “This is stupid. I'm going crazy.”
“Keep going,” Lucifer whispered.
I shook my head. “This isn't possible.” But I concentrated again. “There's a little town just over the hill. I can feel the life there. A woman is having a baby. People are happy about that.” I felt myself inadvertently smile. “They're celebrating. Children are playing, dancing around. There's no sadness there tonight.” I felt my breath catch in my throat. “I-I feel the ground under my feet. It's moving. I can feel it turning. I feel the sun on the other side of the world.” I opened my eyes. I realized I was tearing up. I looked at Lucifer. “Oh my God. I can feel everything.”
“And death?” said Lucifer, his eyes looming in front of me.
I nodded. “There's death,” I said. “Lots of death. So much. But...”
“But what?” he said.
I actually smiled at him. The first real smile in months. “But there's so much life,” I said. “Joy and sadness. Birth and death. Everything. Jesus, I can feel it. How is that possible?”
“I told you that you were extraordinary,” he said.
“Has it always been this way?” I said. “The world?”
“Always. Since the beginning of time.”
“Will I always see it this way?”
“You may forget to look from time to time,” said Lucifer. “But it's always there, waiting for you to remember.”
“I never knew,” I said.
“So few humans do,” he said. “You see? Not being human isn't all bad. There are advantages.”
“I can see that.”
“Are you ready to go in now?” he said.
“Oh,” I said. I looked round at the cabin. For a moment I'd completely forgotten the pain in my chest; I hadn't noticed the pull. I felt it now, though it didn't trouble me as much. I looked up at Lucifer's face. He looked ethereal in the moonlight. “Thank you,” I said. “You have no idea what you've done for me.”
He touched my shoulder, his breath coming out as a cloud in the frigid night air. He opened his mouth as if to say something, but closed it again. He frowned, but he didn't look away. “The pleasure is all mine,” he said finally. He seemed to realize his hand was still on my shoulder and he dropped it to his side awkwardly. I wanted to reach out and grab him, pain in my chest or not. But I couldn't. Not like this. Things had become so complicated. I clenched a fist and felt my nails bite into my palm. Was I really so weak that I couldn't control myself?
Not knowing what to say, I stepped away, and headed slowly toward the cabin. I heard the crunch of Lucifer's boots in the snow behind me.
The cabin was grisly, but I was a little better-equipped to handle it. I did gag a little on the warm smell of blood, but I managed to keep the meager contents of my stomach down.
There was only one body here; only one spirit. He was a clean-cut guy in a tee-shirt. He was sitting on the rickety twin bed and staring at his corpse, the head of which had been turned to hamburger. He had a few days' worth of whiskers on his face and his jeans looked fitted and expensive. He was not what I was expecting to find in a rickety cabin in the far north. He looked up at me after a moment.
“I guess it was stupid to run,” he said. “No matter where you go, he'll always find you.”
I looked at Lucifer, then back to the ghost of a man.
“You knew he was after you?” I said.
He snorted. “Of course I knew. Lots of us know. Doesn't matter. Kane will always find us.”
“Do you know why?” I said.
“Of course I know why,” the man said. “He wants to kill us. All of us.”
“Us?” I said.
He narrowed his empty eyes at me. “Jesus, you don't know anything, do you?”
I frowned and took a step toward him. “Why did Kane want to kill you?”
“Because I'm an Outsider,” he said. “I thought Death would be a lot smarter.”
“How do you know about the Outsiders?” said Lucifer.
The spirit's empty eyes seemed to notice him for the first time. “Oh my God,” the ghost said.
I frowned. “What do you see?” I looked at Lucifer.
“Are you stupid?” he said. “That's the devil.”
“It would be a very big mistake to speak to her like that again,” Lucifer breathed. “Now tell us how you know about the Outsiders.”
“Look at my back,” said the ghost, gesturing to his body.
I crouched down and pulled the corpse's shirt up. The dead man's smooth skin became bumpy toward the middle of his spine, small ridges punctuated by stony scales the color of a dull copper penny.
“That's it?” I said.
“No,” he said. “I can make it rain up. At least I could. Before I died. Shit, man. This sucks.”
“But who told you you were an Outsider?” I said. “It's not common knowledge up here.”
“When I was a kid, my mom took me to all kinds of doctors. No one knew what was wrong with me. The last one said it was a genetic mutation. Inoperable. But after my mom left the room to let me get dressed he came back. He told me I couldn't tell anyone. Ever. He told me about the Outsiders. There were others, too, he said. I thought he was crazy at first.” He looked down at his body. “I didn't know I was adopted.” He looked at me. “It wasn't a real adoption, y'know? My parents didn't make enough money or something. Couldn't adopt legally. When I confronted them, they finally told me what happened. Some guy came to their house. Creepy guy. But he said he could get them a baby. Papers too. They didn't even have to pay him.”
“Outsider babies,” I said. “He was smuggling them out of Erebos.”
“What did he look like?” said Lucifer.
“I don't know,” said the spirit. “Weird eyes. Looked like an old-timey gangster.”
“Fond of fedoras, no doubt,” I said, feeling sick.
“Yeah,” he said. “Anyway, people found me after that. I guess the doc told them. They were like me. I've kept in contact with some of them ever since.”
“And how did you hear about Kane?” I said.
“Everyone knows about Kane,” he said.
“I'm guessing none of you have ever seen him,” I said.
“No, but everyone knows. Word travels in the Underground.”
“How many?” said Lucifer. “How many know?”
“Hard to say,” he said. “I only know a couple. But they know a couple, and that couple knows a couple. There's no way to identify each other. At least not all of us.”
“And where are the couple that you know?” I said.
“Gone,” he said. “Dead. Everyone's dead. I don't know how he knows where to find us, but he's a damn monster. I didn't even see him coming tonight.” He looked at his body again. “Shit,” he said again. “I didn't want to die. Can't you do something?”