by Bob Servant
Bob x
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From: Alexandra
To: Bob Servant
Subject: Money for visa needed now
My darling Bob!
I shall answer your questions. But if I shall not pay the money today then I cannot receive the visa! You understand?
1. It is not necessary for you “to clean up the jazz mags into one, easily monitored pile”. As I have understood, jazz mags is a part of your life which you very much value. What for to pretend to someone to anothers? So leave like you have usually.
2. Mmm. This threat looks sexually:) To me is not a problem to carry it:)
3. To me too it is very interesting Cartoon. I find it amusing and I hope, that when we shall be together we shall cheerfully look at it together:)
I hope, that have answered all your questions. Now I shall tell you cost has increased to 1300 euro because additional expenses for renewal of documents are required. You should inform me when you can send me this sum. And tell me what airport I should come to? Do you like photo I send to show my love?
Alex
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From: Bob Servant
To: Alexandra
Subject: WHAT A CLEVER PHOTO!
Hello Alex,
What a clever photo! At first I thought it was just you blowing old Bob a kiss and then I looked at the computer screen and there was old Bob himself! Great stuff. A nice idea, well executed. I think it’s probably best that you fly to Edinburgh airport. I can get Geronimo McLardy to drive me there to pick you up. He’ll do it for jazz mags. Oh, what a wonderful day that will be!
When the bank opens I am going to ask for the money for your visa. To hell with the cost!
Love,
Bob
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From: Alexandra
To: Bob Servant
Subject: Visa
Hello Bob,
Once again the information on how you should send the money –
1. Name of the addressee: Alexandra
2. Surname of the addressee: Dadashov
3. City and country of the addressee: Vladivostok, Russia
I hope, that you can make it in the nearest hour because our banks work only up to 3 PM.
Alex
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From: Bob Servant
To: Alexandra
Subject: THE HEAT IS ON
Alex,
I have had a terrible day. This morning, Don Cabbage turned up and said I owed him money so he was going to live in my house for a while. I have had to cook for him and pour him drinks and all he does is laugh and ruffle my hair really hard. Don has one thing he does called ‘The Angry Dove’. He twists his hands together and kind of waggles them like wings and says ‘Oh, oh, the dove’s getting angry’ and then attacks you with the dove. Well, not the dove, with his hands. He punches you in the face, basically, with the dove’s wings. Well, they’re not the dove’s wings. They’re his fists.
What should I do Alex? I am scared and frightened and it seems like my whole world is collapsing onto my knees and shins. Sometimes I wish I had never got involved with Don Cabbage and a life of crime for the last couple of years. Yes, it’s given me a lot, but it has also taken away a lot and now Don Cabbage is living here, in my house.
Please write back soon. I am too scared to check the email when he is around but whenever he naps I will sneak over and check.
Bob
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From: Alexandra
To: Bob Servant
Subject: We have no time for this!
My darling Bob! I was bothered with this. I lose time, money and patience. The question on my reception of the visa is solved tomorrow. If you will not send me money our meeting will be unreal because the embassy will not give me the visa. Really for you it is difficult to understand it? If for you money not a problem why you cannot make it now or tomorrow? To me has bothered to waste time, money and my reputation. You still have time and we can be together.
Alex
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From: Bob Servant
To: Alexandra
Subject: I AM TRYING MY BEST FOR GOD’S SAKE
Alex,
I am trying my darling but it is very hard for me with Don Cabbage being in the house all the time. He is a very scary man. I have some money here, around £5,000 but I do not want him to know I have this money do you see? Once he leaves I can go and send it to you from the Post Office.
Earlier, Don Cabbage went to the bathroom and I went to look in his room. He has some bad things in there Alex, including an axe and some really big potatoes that I think he uses as missiles. I am very scared Alex, what should I do? As soon as he leaves I can send you the £5,000. Please write back and please understand, I love you but my life is in danger from Don Cabbage,
Bob xx
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From: Alexandra
To: Bob Servant
Subject: We have not much time
Darling Bob
I know you are scared but I am already tired to wait for hours with you of a meeting. You must be quick,
Alex
From: Bob Servant
To: Alexandra
Subject: WONDERFUL NEWS
Alex,
I have some fantastic news. Don Cabbage has left! He said that someone in Lochee owed him £15 for some jazz mags and he went off to get him. He says that if I keep my nose clean then he’ll leave me alone for a while. Thank God for that!
So we’re back on track! I have the money here to make our dreams come true! How quickly could you be here? I have a surprise for you. I have bought something that I think you will like. I will give you a clue. You need to feed it. Can you guess?
Bob
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From: Alexandra
To: Bob Servant
Subject: Hello
Bob!
I did not want to lose good relations with my friends in a travel company. I have already informed you, how you can help me. You can have a way to any branch Western Union. I have made all for this purpose. If you will not help me, I shall be compelled to give in parts 1300 euro to my friends within several months. I think now that you play with me?
Yours Alex
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From: Bob Servant
To: Alexandra
Subject: OH COME ON ALEX, DON’T BE LIKE THAT!
Alex,
What kind of weirdo would spend all this time emailing you if they were not serious? I have the money to send to the Western Union in Vladivostok but what is the point in sending you money when you are suggesting that I am some sort of joker? I have even bought you a present, it was supposed to be surprise, but maybe if you see it then you will understand that I am serious.
Yours in hope,
Bob x
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From: Alexandra
To: Bob Servant
Subject: I am sorry
My dear Bob!
I am sorry for behaviour. I am very tired… I very much want to be with you. You should understand, that for me it is very difficult to accept again the man. But you have very much liked me, I do not hide it. And now I shall be very glad, if our meeting with you will take place. I wait for concrete actions. I am very much intrigued with a gift which you have prepared me?
Alex
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From: Bob Servant
To: Alexandra
Subject: READY?
Alex,
Ok, apology accepted. Are you ready to see your present?
Bob x
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From: Alexandra
To: Bob Servant
Subject: Yes!
Yes, certainly, I am ready to see my present
:))
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From: Bob Servant
To: Alexandra
Subject: HERE WE GO! HE’S CALLED CHAMPION!
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From: Alexandra
To: Bob Servant
Subject: I like it
My dear Bob!
Your gift has very much liked me, very originally. Still anybody similar in life did not give anything to me. Now about our affairs. I very much hope, that today you will make that for a long time promised me . . . to Western Union! I expect your answer…
Alex
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From: Bob Servant
To: Alexandra
Subject: NOT LONG NOW!
Alex,
I am so excited that you like your present. I was going to Carnoustie on the bus the other day when I spotted Champion in a field. ‘Aye, aye’, I thought, ‘What’s going on over there then?’ So I got off the bus and went to have a good look at the blighter.
Now, Alex, just about every household in Carnoustie owns at least one ostrich13 but for some reason the farmer hadn’t shifted Champion. The next thing you know we’d shaken hands on me to take Champion off his hands for £150, eight jazz mags and the spice rack I won in the bowling club Christmas raffle.
So tomorrow I’m going to get up, have a quick bite to eat at Stewpot’s Bar and a couple of liveners, then nip up to Carnoustie on the bus and pick up Champion. Then I’ll come back here, tie him up in the garden and race round to the Post Office to send the cash. Are you looking forward to seeing me and Champion?
Also, do you have any idea what I should feed Champion? Would he eat chips?
Bob x
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From: Alexandra
To: Bob Servant
Subject: Let us resolve this today now
Send the money as the most important part of your travels tomorrow. Certainly, I very much wait happily for our meeting. It will be better, if to my arrival the Champion will be little bit hungry then I could feed him:) Chips? He loves chips? I never saw ostriches earlier, it is very interesting to me:))
Now I wait from you for the information on a remittance that I could continue the preparation to be with you and Champion.
Alex
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From: Bob Servant
To: Alexandra
Subject: A rollercoaster of a day
Alex,
An unforgettable day. I went along to Stewpot’s first thing and told all the boys I was off to pick up an ostrich for my Russian girlfriend and they were giving it, ‘Oh aye, your Russian girlfriend Bob, is that the one that’s going to work here?’ and I was saying ‘Yeah, that’s her, Alexandra’ and they all started laughing.
So it was a good atmosphere and then they started saying that Russian men can drink a bottle of vodka straight and if I couldn’t do that then you would leave me. Well, I wasn’t going to risk that so I told Terry to line me up his best bottle and a couple of cheese sandwiches.
Now, I’m a drinker Alex, I’ve never hidden that from you but I have two Achilles heels. The first is strong women and the second is vodka. They just don’t agree with me and after an hour or so it all got a bit blurry. Then suddenly I was alert again but someone had stolen one of my sandwiches so I went round the pub asking who had my sandwich but people just kept laughing.
Then Terry told me to look in the mirror behind the bar and I saw that the sandwich was stuck to my forehead. I must have fallen asleep onto it or something. So I took the sandwich off and left Stewpot’s in the huff and went to catch the bus to Carnoustie.
It was quite hard because my legs weren’t working properly but I got on the bus OK and then gave everyone a laugh with some animal jokes and a bit of a sing.
I got off the bus fine though I did fall into a hedge. When I found Champion he was in great form. I didn’t have a lead so I took off my jumper and stuck it over his head and used a sleeve to lead him out back to the bus stop. I was feeding him some pork scratchings when the farmer appeared and went absolutely berserk.
He was saying stuff like, ‘what the fuck do you think you’re playing at?’ ‘get that fucking jumper off it’s head’ and ‘you’re a fucking basket case and I’m going to call the police’.
I kept my dignity and ignored him and he went off to get the police, but then the bus came. The driver must have been texting his mate or something because he actually stopped and I had Champion halfway on before he even noticed. He got scared and said there was no way I could bring an ostrich on the bus and I said to just charge him half fare but then the other people on the bus started getting involved (even though it was none of their business) and were all screaming and stuff.
Of course, that set Champion off who went totally bananas, lashing out with his feet and pecking away. He lifted a woman’s bunnet clean off and caught a man with a moustache an absolute beauty on the side of the head. ‘That’s one peck on the cheek you didn’t ask for!’ I said, to lighten the mood but the guy didn’t get it, he just rolled about holding his head and swearing at me.
Then the police turned up and so I went to have a wee chat with them but tripped and went into another hedge. I don’t remember much after that, just the police standing about and then Champion being led off by the farmer. I shouted ‘See you later Champion, you can keep the jumper’ but he didn’t reply.
The policemen brought me home and said I might get done for cruelty and fined, so I might need that money that I was going to use for your visa. I’m sorry about Champion but, to be honest, I don’t think it’s safe to have a family pet that could go off the handle like that.
And, anyway, all is not lost! I went to Doc Ferry’s bar to have a think about things and bumped into Chappy Williams. I told him what happened and he said he had something in the car I could have. He went off and came back with a bloody dog! I couldn’t believe it. Chappy had really red cheeks and was out of breath but seemed to find everything very funny. I asked what it was called and he said ‘Bob’ so I said, ‘But that’s my name’ and he said that I should call it ‘Bob the Dog’ so I don’t get confused.
It was hard walking home with Bob, he didn’t seem to be listening to anything I said but we’re back now and I think he’s sleeping. I’m sorry about the money thing but I hope that you can maybe come over here using your own money and I’ll pay for the groceries. And the food for Bob. Bob the Dog I mean, not me.
Love,
Bob. Not Bob the Dog! He wouldn’t be able to write!
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From: Alexandra
To: Bob Servant
Subject: Re: a rollercoaster of a day
Fuck you! To me has bothered to read your delirium
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No Reply
9. This man is not Bob Servant. I have no idea who he is, but the fish looks like a mirror carp.
10. There is no record of the former international goalkeeper turned television presenter Bob Wilson ever having physically attacked a jockey, either on or off air.
11. This email was indeed sent by Bob on Christmas Day, an impressive dedication to his hobby, and this entire exchange was very intense, with up to a dozen emails a day between Christmas Day and New Year. When I mentioned this to Bob he pointed out that he refuses to watch television at that time of year because of the special festive scheduling (which he describes as ‘an insult to his intelligence’) and so had a fair amount of time on his hands.
12. No bowling club in the Broughty Ferry area admits to holding such an event.
13. Although no exact measure can be given (you do not need a licence to purchase an ostrich, which I found surprising) a quick check with local RSPCA officials suggests that this claim is untrue.
4
Uncle Bob’s African Adventure
From: Joseph Udeze
To: Bob Serv
ant
Subject: Are you interested?
Dear Good Friend,
I am Joseph Udeze, solicitor at law. I am the personal Attorney To Mr Christian Clark, a national of your country, who lived in Nigeria. In May 2000, my client was killed in a car accident in Kano. The bank where he had an account of $9.5m has issued me a notice to provide the beneficiary or have the account confiscated within 20 days.
Since I have been unsuccessful in locating the relatives, I now seek your consent to present you as the beneficiary of the $9.5m. If you agree, we can discuss your percentage. Please i will like you to send to me your full name and address, private telephone and fax number for easy communication.
Best regards,
Barr. Joseph Udeze (Esq.)
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From: Bob Servant
To: Joseph Udeze
Subject: Good morning
Joseph,
I cannot help you with the Clarky stuff, but if you can prove that you live in Africa then I have a business proposal for you,
Your Servant,
Bob Servant
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From: Joseph Udeze
To: Bob Servant
Subject: FURTHER DETAILS
Dear Bob,
Yes! I live in Africa and as such would be ready for your proposal.
Thanks,
Joseph
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From: Bob Servant
To: Joseph Udeze
Subject: Now we’re talking…
Joseph,
Listen my new pal, I have an idea that I would like to run past you. I think, and hope, that it will blow your socks off. I have a small cafe here in Broughty Ferry. We mostly work off the taxi drivers and posties, you know the drill – sausages (link and square), bacon rolls, meths. You’d be amazed at the meths we shift Joseph. Around half the posties that work out of Dundee East Sorting Office are on the meths day and night. I heard from Tommy Peanuts that a couple of them actually get paid in meths.14
Anyway, to cut a long story short, I want to give the cafe a total overhaul. I’m happy to close the place down for two weeks and really go to town on it.
What I’m thinking is this –
UNCLE BOB’S AFRICAN ADVENTURE