by Bob Servant
‘It could have been a great thing for Dundee and it was exciting to be involved,’ added Mr Servant, who is being unofficially represented by disgraced local lawyer Mike ‘Pop’ Wood. ‘There was then a bit of a mix-up at the staff night out [Mr Servant was involved in an altercation that resulted in both the police and ambulance services being called to Willy’s Chinese Palace in Gray Street] and I really think that it may have soiled the whole project.
‘More to the point, it has come to my attention that rubber belts are not big sellers. Quite frankly, we did not get the interest that we would have hoped. I think, and I’m not just talking about rubber, people should not be so scared of trying new things. I think in ten years’ time we’ll all be wearing rubber belts, but that won’t make me sad. In fact, it would make me happy because it would shut up the boo boys.’
Mr Servant says he is now thinking about returning to the window cleaning business, which he quit in disgust after having his ladders stolen in 1996. At the time, Mr Servant spoke in the Evening Telegraph of his ‘certainty’ that the ladders had been stolen by the travelling community. Tayside Police responded that there were no travellers in the Dundee area of that period.41
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From: LANZHOU GLOBAL LTD
To: Bob Servant
Subject: Re: IT’S OVER
Hi How are you? I know from the start you are a clown, I laugh a lot when i read from you, you are such a joker.
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From: Bob Servant
To: LANZHOU GLOBAL LTD
Subject: That’s the spirit!
Hello there,
Good to hear from you. Yes, I was pulling your leg. I’m glad that you also enjoyed the whole thing. I’m just a fun guy really champ, and enjoy having a nice glass of cheap wine and getting on the old email. It’s a hobby I suppose.
All the very best with the old ‘Lanzhou’ line. If you don’t mind me saying so, I think it needs a little bit of polishing. Tell me, where are you from and do many people actually fall for this stuff?
Stay strong,
Bob Servant
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From: LANZHOU GLOBAL LTD
To: Bob Servant
Subject: re: That’s the spirit!
Hello Bob, Of course many people do fall for it, you know lots of gimimicks now and you make your cash. If you also have anything to tell me let me know. I am from Malaysia, tell me more about you.
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From: Bob Servant
To: LANZHOU GLOBAL LTD
Subject: CHEERS
Hello there sport,
Well, you’re a right little scamp with the thieving and that but I have to say I don’t think you’re a bad wee chap at heart.
Keep your nose clean you little tinker,
Farewell,
Bob
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No Reply
35. A quick call to Toshy’s Hardware in Broughty Ferry unsurprisingly confirms that this incident did not take place.
36. Bob does, in actual fact, possess a mobile phone that he calls ‘The Batphone’. For the first six months he owned it, Bob used his phone only while standing in phone boxes after Chappy Williams told him that they were the only locations that offered a signal for his particular model.
37. Bob originally refused to tell me if Clive exists. Having spent two days ascertaining that no Clive has ever worked at any Broughty Ferry bank, Bob then admitted he has never met anyone called Clive. He generously added that he does know a cliff, a man who he describes as ‘a total clown’.
38. I should clarify that the figure of ‘Father O’Neill’ is not based on any past or present representative of any religious organisation, in Broughty Ferry or elsewhere.
39. After an exhaustive search of Radio Tay’s transcripts for every Broughty Ferry Gala Week for the past twenty years, no record of this conversation can be found. I confidently state that the Evening Telegraph made no such claim about the much-admired Broughty Ferry Gala Week, and Bob Servant made no such claim about his less-admired bottom.
40. After a slightly less taxing search, it can be established that this article never appeared in the Evening Telegraph.
41. If needed I can confirm that this article is, yet again, a fabrication by Bob. As was the described press conference in the Fisherman’s Bar.
9
Bobby and Benjamin are New Friends
From: Benjamin Suma
To: Bob Servant
Subject: INVESTMENT PROPOSAL WITH URGENT ATTENTION
Dear Friend,
I am Benjamin, the son of Asbenjamin, a Military General from Sierra Leone. I hope the purpose of my reason and my present situation will be understood by you. At the point of his death my father directed me with instruction to take over the transfer of the box that contains the fund amounted to 20 millions U.S. dollars.
Based on this I decided to source for a neutral person that can assist me in working on the necessary arrangement. Your assistance shall be compensated with a percentage from the fund. I wait for your reply,
Yours Faithfully,
Benjamin
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From: Bob Servant
To: Benjamin Suma
Subject: INTERESTING
I like the cut of your jib.
Your Servant,
Bob Servant
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From: Benjamin Suma
To: Bob Servant
Subject: Please try to read carefully and understand…
Dear Mr Bob,
Thanks for your quick response. I want to tell you that I will give you 25% of the total money for all the assistance that require of you to do for me. I will like you to let me know your satisfaction about the offer? The security company where the fund is being deposited does not know the content of the box that contain the fund they were told that the box contains family valuable items.
Regards,
Benjamin
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From: Bob Servant
To: Benjamin Suma
Subject: Africa
Tell me about Africa my friend, is it as beautiful as they say?
Bob
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From: Benjamin Suma
To: Bob Servant
Subject: Reply to this mail please
Well, life in Africa is not the same from country to country and from individual too. I don’t really understand the motive of your question, could you be more specific? you have not also response to my mail? can i reach you on phone? I will need your contact and bank details to make things move.
I await your reply,
Benjamin
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From: Bob Servant
To: Benjamin Suma
Subject: Hello
Benjamin,
I have heard many times of the African sunset, mostly from Tommy Peanuts but he’s claiming to have seen it through binoculars when he was in Tenerife, which sounds a bit ridiculous to me? Oh, I want to be there with you in Africa Benjamin. Watching the sunset. Holding hands. I know, I know, I’m just a silly old woman. Why would you want to watch a sunset with me? You have your whole life ahead of you.
Bob
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From: Benjamin Suma
To: Bob Servant
Subject: Reply please
I never knew you were a woman Bob. Don’t say you are silly, everyone has to live as he or she pleases, this is my believe. Yes you are right there is a wonderful sunset in Africa. I will be happy to watch with you and take you to interesting sites depends on your interest. Start drawing your plans to come down! meanwhile what about the other discussion? You have your contact and bank information for me Bob?
Regards,
Benjamin
<
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From: Bob Servant
To: Benjamin Suma
Subject: Benjamin
Benjamin,
Oh, are you teasing me? Please, are you a handsome man? Something you should know Benjamin, is that I am a very beautiful woman. For years, I have had men chasing me down the street, trying to touch my knockers and that, but I have never been interested. I want something different than the silly men here in Scotland. I want a real man, an exciting man, someone who is tough and not afraid to cry.
Bobby
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From: Benjamin Suma
To: Bob Servant
Subject: Reply
Bobby,
I am not teasing, this is how i see life am glad to know that you are a beautiful woman. I am a handsome man, strong and caring, we were brought bold. I start having a feeling that we could make something good out of REAL LOVE, if it is what we call it. Could you tell me more? I love to be direct, I hate been pretending,
Benjamin
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From: Bob Servant
To: Benjamin Suma
Subject: Take it easy
Benjamin,
Please, slow down. I do like you, but you are moving too fast,
Bobby
PS What are you wearing?
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From: Benjamin Suma
To: Bob Servant
Subject: Reply Please
A SHIRT AND JEENS
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From: Bob Servant
To: Benjamin Suma
Subject: OK
Benjamin,
It’s a classic combo. Thank you, I am just trying to get a picture of you in my head. It is late now, time for me to go for my beauty sleep. Do you have this saying in Africa? “Time for the beauty sleep”.
Bobby Sleep
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From: Benjamin Suma
To: Bob Servant
Subject: Reply to this
Thanks i hope you have a nice rest. Here we say nice rest, I think both nice and beauty make the same!
Regards
Benjamin
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From: Bob Servant
To: Benjamin Suma
Subject: Morning
Hello Benjamin,
I slept sensationally. What have you got planned for today? I’m going to nip down the shop and buy some lovely ham to try and cheer myself up. I’m feeling really sad today Benjamin, can you cheer me up? Do you know any good jokes?
Bobby
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From: Benjamin Suma
To: Bob Servant
Subject: Have a nice day
Yeah, why position yourself am going to make you happy today? You will like it don’t tell me you are not feeling it? You can only tell me to slow down, which I will agree because I will hate to hurt you.
Last week I overheard a true story from one guy telling his friend, the guy just wedded, but two days before the wedding he went to meet his old girlfriend, but unfortunately after the night he mistakingly exchange his pant to the girl. He got home and slept, in the morning as he went out of the room, the wife to be saw the pant and alarm! Put yourself in a position of man, if it happen to you what would you do!
pls cheers up there I have made you happy?
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From: Bob Servant
To: Benjamin Suma
Subject: A Real Belter
Benjamin,
That is a wonderful joke, thank you so much, it has really cheered me up. Why did the man put on the wrong pants?! What a silly man. It really is a funny joke. And, yes, you are right, I am feeling that there is something between us. But I don’t want to rush things because then it might all turn to shit.
I think I’m going to go and watch a couple of James Bond films. Are you like James Bond Benjamin? He is my dream man. I think Connery probably gets my vote. Not just because he’s Scottish and not English though. If you start thinking like that you end up with no teeth like Jocky Wilson.42
Bobby
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From: Benjamin Suma
To: Bob Servant
Subject: Hello
Darling, it happen in the night it was the lady’s pant! I have am not watching Bonds these days. I love adventurous films, people like Michael Douglas, Kathleen Tuners, Devito.
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From: Bob Servant
To: Benjamin Suma
Subject: Who had the pants on?
Benjamin, So who was wearing the pants? The man?
Have you seen Romancing the Stone? Douglas, Turner, Devito. The old gang back together.
Bobby
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From: Benjamin Suma
To: Bob Servant
Subject: Have a Nice Day
Morning dear,
The man is the one that wear the lady’s pant the lady two wears the guy pant!
Yes i have seen the romancing the stone, the jewel of the nile, ruthless people, other people’s money!
cheers
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From: Bob Servant
To: Benjamin Suma
Subject: Quiz
Hello Benjamin,
Yes, I am good thanks. They are all wonderful films, and extremely well acted. I think I’ve seen a book called Other People’s Money, about some fraudster guy. I can’t believe they named it after a Danny Devito film, what a bunch of fannies. Do you know who this man is? You must do?
Bobby
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From: Benjamin Suma
To: Bob Servant
Subject: Have a nice day
I wouldn’t know him poor me. Can you put me through?
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From: Bob Servant
To: Benjamin Suma
Subject: It’s Ralphie
Hello Benjamin, It’s Ralphie Milne, the former Dundee United player. Do you mind when women talk about football Benjy? Whenever I try and speak to the men in the bars here about it they say that I only watch football for the legs! I can’t bloody win!
Oh Benjamin, I’m very excited, my friend has just called me and asked if I want to go to a party! What should I wear? I can’t decide whether to dress in something to get the boys excited or if I should wear something fun.
Bobby
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From: Benjamin Suma
To: Bob Servant
Subject: The Fun one
Bobby, wear something fun! You have an excited boy here that is all you wish for! I wish you a good luck, am not going out. Yes you can talk soccer. Will be thinking of you,
Benjamin
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From: Bob Servant
To: Benjamin Suma
Subject: Ooh my head!
Benjamin,
How are my dear? Aargh, my head is so sore! I drank too much wine at the party because I was so hot. The only fun outfit I had was a rabbit costume and it was absolutely roasting. Do you know any good hangover cures?
Bobby
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From: Benjamin Suma
To: Bob Servant
Subject: Have a nice day
Darling,
Once a while, it is good to satisfy one like that. Please drink a lot of water, or you top it with the same brand of drink. I hope it really fun?
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From: Bob Servant
To: Benjamin Suma
Subject: Good Idea
Thank you Benjamin, I will try that.
I have an idea, let’s write a poem together. It’s what lovers do in my country, one
line at a time.
I’ll start –
Bobby and Benjamin are new friends…
Now you write your line! It’s fun!
Bobby x
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From: Benjamin Suma
To: Bob Servant
Subject: so funful!
So lovely darling. Am working on some arrangement that will surely be of great blessing to our RELATIONSHIP! Am right about using this word? So nice an idea, so funful, ok my first line and second line.
YES BENJAMIN AND BOBBY HAVE JUST STARTED SOMETHING SO GREAT,
HOW SWEET WILL IT BE IF IT CAN BE BUILD WELL IN A SOLID FOUNDATION!
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From: Bob Servant
To: Benjamin Suma
Subject: Lovely stuff
Here we go you big sausage –
Even though they live in very distant nations…
Can’t wait to see your new line, your others have been ok, but maybe try and make it rhyme?
Bobby x
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From: Benjamin Suma
To: Bob Servant
Subject: Benjamin and Bobby poem
Bobby and Benjamin are new friends,
Yes Benjamin and Bobby have just started something so great,
How sweet will it be if it can be build well in a solid foundation!
Even though they live in very distant nations
Yes this shouldn’t count since they have strong feeling…
Benjamin x
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From: Bob Servant
To: Benjamin Suma
Subject: Very nice
Maybe one day they will live together in Ealing…
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From: Benjamin Suma
To: Bob Servant
Subject: Benjamin and Bobby poem
Bobby and Benjamin are new friends,
Yes Benjamin and Bobby have just started something so great,
How sweet will it be if it can be build well in a solid foundation!
Even though they live in very distant nations
Yes this shouldn’t count since they have strong feeling
Maybe one day they will live together in Ealing
Very possible if really they both wish.
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From: Bob Servant