“I take that as a compliment. You’re absolutely right - I hated the job and, thankfully, got out of it after a few years. Now I’m quite happy doing what I do. I’m even trying to persuade my girlfriend not to qualify as a lawyer and find another path.”
Right. There we were. Of course he had a girlfriend. I made a neutral-interested face. “She is a law student?” Why did men have to go for women so much younger than themselves? He had earlier mentioned that he was thirty-four.
“Yes. Our parents have known each other for ages. She’s moving to Frankfurt next month and is going to live with me. She is a sweet girl - very young and I kind of feel responsible for her.” He looked at me apologetically.
“I see. Well, that’s nice.”
I breathed a secret sigh of relief. There was something about this man that I could not grasp. He knew how to build a connection with me in a way that confused and scared me. If you want love, you may have to take some risk. Up to now I had always kept control over my emotions and never let anybody come really close. I sensed that this man might be dangerous for me in that way. So it was good if he also was already taken.
Several Vodka Martinis and Whiskeys later we left the bar.
“Do you mind if we just drop by my office? I want to get out of this suit and put on my jeans for my bike ride home.”
“No, of course not. I’m taking a cab in that direction anyway.”
We went to a building nearby and took the lift up to the seventh floor. He unlocked and opened the door to a suite of offices. It was dark and abandoned but he did not switch on the lights. Some light from the street lamps was seeping through the shutters. He took my hand and led me down the corridor. My heart was nearly bursting in my ribcage. Then he stopped. He turned around and came so close that I had to lean against the wall. He took both my hands into his left and gently pinned them over my head. He looked into my eyes and let his fingertips slowly run down my temple towards my lips.
“I just can’t help it.” He kissed me until I could not breathe anymore. He kissed my face, my neck. I stopped thinking. We slid down the wall on to the carpet. He moaned. “You are amazing.” His hand started to wander under my skirt. “I want to feel you.”
At that moment I knew that I didn’t want this to go any further. I pulled his hand away and put it around my hips. We kissed again. Then I forced myself to disengage from him, got up and smoothed my clothes. “I must go. This is not a good idea.”
“I know. I’m sorry.”
“I’ll go now.” I started to walk towards the door.
“I...I will call you.”
We both knew very well that we could not see each other again.
No good would come of it.
* * *
The coming days shed a surreal light on that evening. Yes, sure, we had had cocktails but we had not been completely drunk. I had to come to terms with what I had felt and then get closure on the whole thing. At first I did not even want to speak about it with Isabella when Noёlle, Marie and I visited her in her store one Saturday.
“Oh I love it!” Isabella raved when she spotted my Prada bag. “And so soft! Just adorable!”
“Yeah, at least the bag is adorable - unlike me!” I burst out.
She looked at me with bewilderment. “What’s going on, my love?”
I thought of Hugo and of the conclusions I had drawn from the encounter with Thomas. “I don’t know, sweetie. I think I have to break up with Hugo.”
Isabella shot a glance at the girls. They were sitting on the white sofa, arranging according to length and colour various belts Isabella had handed to them. She pulled me into the kitchenette. “Come on, we’ll make some coffee.”
I followed slowly. Whilst she was preparing coffee, she began her cross-examination.
“What happened?”
“Nothing. Not really. Well, I met someone - but that’s not the point; I won’t see him again anyway.”
“Then what about Hugo?”
“Isabella, what can I say? The man wants to get married and have children! I can’t do that!”
“Of course you can. Do you want to?”
“Goodness, no!” I panicked.
“Don’t you love him?”
“No!” Oops. There it was.
Without thinking about it, the word had escaped my mouth. I couldn’t take it back anymore. I didn’t love Hugo, at least not enough to give him what he wanted.
Isabella froze for a moment. “Then there is no point, if he wants something different from what you want,” she replied calmly. She continued placing the mugs on the tray.
I hung my head. “I know. He is hardly ever there anymore and I have started to bitch at him, both of which are bad signs. We have been invited to another wedding, which means he’ll have moist eyes throughout the ceremony and I’ll have a crisis.”
“I have to say I am quite shocked about your reaction - I really thought you still loved Hugo. But if you don’t, then you must take the consequences. Think about it,” she sighed.
“I know you’re right. As usual.”
“Mummy, your phone is ringing!” Noëlle came into the kitchen, holding my blackberry.
“Oh, thank you darling.” I took it from her and checked the display. “Urgh. It’s Tracey.” I said to Isabella.
“On a Saturday?”
I signalled Isabella to be quiet and pressed the green button. “Hi Tracey.”
“Hi. I am so sorry to disturb you. We have an emergency here. Jessica has been taken to hospital - she was in the office to finish a draft credit agreement and apparently broke down - David was there at the same time and called the ambulance.”
“Oh my god! What’s wrong with her?”
“I don’t know - she had complained about stomach pains apparently. Anyway. We need to get this loan agreement out. Can you come to the office and finish it for her please. I realise you will need a bit of time to get into the matter but I’ll grant you admission to the virtual file and send you the term sheet together with a summary of where we are.”
I hesitated. Tracey knew full well that I had to look after my children, but I would manage somehow. I wanted to help out for Jessica and I needed to for my impending counsel promotion.
“Of course, Tracey,” I replied calmly. “I’m on my way.”
I hung up and looked at Isabella. She understood and pulled a face. “That old witch!”
“My colleague has been taken to hospital. Honestly, I’m not surprised. In the last few months she has spent day and night and every weekend in the office - that verges on the illegal.”
“You don’t work that much less yourself.”
“At least I sleep every night and rarely work on weekends.”
“What’s going on Mummy?” Noёlle re-appeared in the kitchen, Marie trotting behind her.
“My sweethearts, Mummy has to go to the office for a while and you can come along and help, okay?”
“You can leave them here,” Isabella offered.
“But I want to go with Mummy,” Marie whined.
“Then I will come too,” Noёlle decided.
“It’s fine, Isabella. I’ll just print out what I need and then work at home, but thank you anyway.” I hugged her.
The girls and I hurried to the office where I logged into my computer, found Tracey’s email and started printing out documents. Marie would bring me each document from the printer just outside my office and then Noёlle would hole-punch it - sometimes on the wrong side of the sheet and not quite straight, but I was very touched and proud of my little girls. I felt terrible to have to neglect them again, later whilst working at home, even if they were very excited by the treat I promised them as a reward - to watch a Disney DVD at home and order a pizza from the delivery service.
O
n our way back to the lift I took the route past Jessica’s office. The screensaver was flickering on the monitor. The desk lamp was switched on, her desk strewn with piles of documents. Her little water bottle was open, a straw sticking out. I noticed a ballpoint pen lying on the floor and picked it up. I hesitated before switching off the lamp. Hopefully it was nothing serious, I thought worriedly, and felt tears of rage welling up. Tracey had made her work until she required hospitalisation.
“Mummy, come on, the lift’s here!”
OK, Chloé, you will handle this and Jessica will be fine. I pulled myself together and followed the girls.
* * *
I had not thought it humanly possible to work even more than I had already been doing but Jessica left a huge hole which needed to be filled urgently, of course. She spent three weeks in hospital and I never found out for sure what had been wrong with her. When I went to see her, to give her a present from me as well as the flowers so generously donated by the banking partners (“Do go ahead and buy a big bouquet, Mrs. Krakowski, with our best wishes!” Francis Mayer, the head of department, had instructed me), she looked so young, pale and thin. When I dared to ask her, she mumbled something about kidney stones and was grateful when I changed the topic, albeit to something equally unpleasant.
“Hey, guess what! Tracey is going to let Indira go before the end of her probation period. I mean, I know she didn’t fit in so well but she did come over here specifically to work with us, and all! She’ll have to leave Germany now!”
“Poor thing. I found it impossible to work with her, though,” Jessica replied. “She drove me crazy. I would show her how to do something, then explain it to her again in an email, and then she would drop into my office two hours later and ask me if what I wanted or meant was this, that or the other.”
“I know what you mean. I suppose, from Tracey’s point of view, it is probably the right decision - but still, it means her visa will be terminated and then who knows what will happen to her?”
“Of course it doesn’t improve the staffing situation either. David told me you’ve taken over most of my deals,” she remarked sheepishly.
I didn’t have to fake my cheerful tone. “Oh, you know, it’s fine - the others are too junior to do them and two of the deals are closing next week, as you know; it should be quieter after that.” I didn’t mention having to do double shifts. “Really, don’t worry about that - the most important thing is that you get well, as soon as possible! You must make it back in time for the big office family party.”
“Oh. Right. I forgot about that. Saturday at three, right? Are you going?”
“Sure. I’ll take Hugo and the girls. We have been to that beach club and the girls really liked it.”
“I’ll definitely try to be well enough by then. I feel so bad already, for missing so many working days, and it doesn’t reflect well on David.”
I pressed her hand and realised that she was unlikely to make a big fuss out of this incident, in order not to jeopardise her fiancé’s career prospects. There was no comparison between her emotional pressure and my current 16-hour working days. In contrast to hers, my boyfriend would probably spend more time by my bedside than in the office. I felt grateful that Hugo had stuck by me in spite of all the problems we were currently having (and despite my escapades, which were unknown to him, of course, but still...!), and that he had not complained for one second when I had explained to him that I would have to take over Jessica’s work for a while. Maybe I didn’t love him enough to compromise, and fulfil his dream of marriage and babies, but he was always there for me and that was worth a hell of a lot.
* * *
Jessica did make it to the party. The weather gods were merciful and had done everything to complete the illusion of a day at the beach. The dress code was casual so I had chosen long flowing linen dresses for the girls and I and had even braided some flowers into their hair.
“Oh my, what a picture perfect family!” Beatrice exclaimed when we arrived at the beach club and had made it past the bouncers. She was standing with Jessica and had spotted us.
“Hugo, this is my colleague Beatrice, and this is Jessica,” I introduced them.
“Nice to meet you.” He shook hands with both women.
“Very nice to meet you! Chloé is a lucky lady. I wish I could introduce my husband to you but he is away, on business. Again!” Beatrice rolled her eyes.
“At least that is what he said.” I could hear Jacob’s unmistakably sarcastic voice behind me.
“Oh shut up, Jacob,” Beatrice retorted. “Don’t be such a pain in the neck. At least not until I’ve had a few more drinks. Claudia, can’t you teach him any manners?”
A dark haired woman had appeared next to Jacob and behind her a boy of about Noëlle’s age.
“Hi, Beatrice,” she said. “I’ve tried for two years and failed - so probably not,” she laughed.
“I know what you mean,” I said. “Hi Claudia, I’m Chloé. This is Hugo and these are my daughters Noëlle and Marie.”
“Ah, you are Chloé! Nice to meet you - I have heard a lot about you.”
“Have you? That surprises me.”
“Uhm I might have mentioned you once or twice,” Jacob interjected quickly and offered to shake Hugo’s hand. “Hi, I’m Jacob. And this is my son Antonio. Where are your brats, Beatrice?”
“My baby is at home and Georgie is at the chocolate fountain like all the other kids.” Upon hearing those magic words Marie and Noëlle started tugging my dress whilst Antonio nudged his father.
“Ah - a chocolate fountain. Yes, I can see it over there. That looks amazing. Hang on, girls. How old is Antonio?” I asked Jacob.
“Ten. Yours?”
“Six and nine.” I turned to the boy and looked into a pair of big brown eyes. “Hey, Antonio, since you are clearly the oldest child here, what do you think about going ahead with the two girls here to see the chocolate fountain?”
“Sure, ok. Papa?”
“Yeah, good idea. Go ahead.” We watched them walk to the nearby stand that boasted a huge white porcelain fountain with chocolate sauce pouring down its sides.
“There’s a big open air cocktail bar next to the dance floor,” Jessica suggested. “Shall we go?”
“Sounds good to me,” Hugo responded.
Claudia agreed. “Perfect! Something for the grown-ups!”
“Now that I’m no longer breast-feeding, I am ready to get hammered!” Beatrice announced.
“I’m going to see how the girls are doing first, you go ahead,” I said to Hugo. “I’ll come and join you in a minute.”
“I’ll come with you if you don’t mind,” Jacob said to me. “My son and chocolate - that usually ends up messy. Yes, go ahead,” He confirmed to Claudia.
With Jessica leading the way Hugo offered an arm to each of Beatrice and Claudia who accepted and giggled. Jacob and I slowly walked towards the chocolate fountain where a queue of children had begun to form.
“Good looking boyfriend you have,” he remarked.
“Hm, yes.”
“He doesn’t have kids?”
“No. He’s never been married either. He’s genuinely lovely with my girls.”
“I see. Doesn’t he want children?”
“Yes he does, but I don’t - anymore. He gave me an ultimatum but I missed it. I’m forty, I’m divorced, I have a demanding job with an upcoming promotion. What can I say.”
“Oh dear. Has he been complaining? Tell me about it. Claudia is all about wanting to get married, have more kids, have me working less.”
I spotted the girls and Antonio feeding each other chocolate covered fruit sticks and laughing. “Look at them! They seem to have fun. Your son seems lovely.”
“And your daughters are super cute.” He stopped and smiled at me. “You kn
ow, you and I should be together. We have so much in common - we are perfect for each other!”
“Haha. Very funny. Now let’s make sure they don’t make a complete mess and then we can go and join my boyfriend and your girlfriend for a drink.”
I ignored the strange expression on his face and walked on. We found the children and took them to a kind of guarded playground that was attended by child minders and was just across the beach from the open air cocktail bar. I spotted Hugo in the middle of a crowd of women talking to Tracey. When I came closer I could hear her giggling.
“Hello Tracey,” I said. “I see you have met Hugo.”
She blushed. “Ah, yes. Hello Chloé. I was just saying how helpful you have been recently.”
“I just asked your boss for how much longer you would have to work double shifts and when she thought the girls and I would see more of you again,” Hugo explained. Here we go again, I thought.
“Hugo, you are so lucky, to have this wonderful profession where you can have regular hours. I mean a doctor! It’s so admirable,” she gushed. Was she batting her eyelids? “But we poor lawyers are at our client’s service, day and night - it’s not just our job, it’s our calling!”
“Yeah, I’ve been hearing this crap for years.” A short, burly man who had been standing behind Tracey and talking to David Byrd turned around, a beer bottle in his left hand.
“Oh.” Tracey turned a shade of crimson. “Chloé, Hugo, this is my husband Kevin.”
“A man to my liking, I see,” Hugo said and shook Kevin’s hand.
“Another poor bastard married to a lawyer, I see,” Kevin grinned. Tracey’s face got darker.
“We’re not married,” I said quickly regretting it immediately. Hugo shot me a strange glance.
“Oh come on, guys, be nice to your beautiful and hard-working women!” Jacob came up from behind and put his left arm around my shoulder and his right arm around Tracey’s shoulder. For once I was grateful for his blunt manner. “Ladies, you seem to be in need of a drink! What can I get you?”
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