I glanced up through my tears. “But not enough. You hurt me deeper than you can possibly understand. I don’t want to do this anymore. I have to love me more than I love you. I truly hope someday you can heal and be honest with yourself, but I’m done waiting.”
Before he could respond, Bond pulled up, got out of his car, and punched Tate in the mouth. “I told you not to hurt her,” he shouted and then opened the passenger side door for me.
I gasped and climbed into the car, watching Tate cup his face. His eyes connected with mine one last time, and I willed myself to look away from his devastated expression.
“Where to?”
“I don’t care.” I leaned against the passenger door and silently wept.
Bond rubbed my back. “Do you want to talk about it?”
I shook my head and continued to cry.
“I thought this might happen,” Bond mumbled.
“Not helping.”
“Sorry.”
“Yeah, yeah.”
CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO
Hanging On
by Active Child
I opened my eyes as soon as Bond’s car came to a stop. “Why are we here?”
“I thought you might want to be around people. You said anywhere.”
“Right. Do you have a tissue or a napkin in here?”
“No, just use my shirt.” He untucked his T-shirt and leaned over to me.
“I’ll end up getting my makeup all over it.”
“Like I give a shit. I’ll borrow a shirt from Red.”
I looked at Bond and said, “Thank you.” I dried my face the best I could on his shirt and then took a couple of shuddered, deep breaths. “After we say hi, can we go up to your room and snuggle.”
“It’s not really my room anymore, but I’m sure it’s fine.”
“Okay.”
Bond opened the passenger door for me and helped me out. “They’re expecting us.” He held my hand as we walked through Red’s house.
“I’m so sorry,” Jacqs said when we approached the living room. She hugged me tightly. Then she held me away from her. “One of Lainie’s?”
“Yeah.”
“Come with me.” Jacqs took my hand and led me upstairs to the bedroom she shared with Red. She rummaged in a drawer and passed me PJ bottoms and a T-shirt.
“Thanks.”
“It’s a shame that tonight wasn’t fabulous because that dress is stellar.”
I pulled off the dress and held it out. “Want it? It’s yours. I never want to see it again.” I tossed it to her.
“Seriously?”
I slipped into the PJs and T-shirt. “Seriously. Just don’t wear it on a Wednesday.”
“Right, of course. So what happened?”
“Come down here so she only has to say it once,” Red called from downstairs.
“Are you up for it?”
I shrugged. “Is it going to be okay if I snuggle with Bond? I know things are odd with you guys and wait— Did you take the test?”
“Yes, I did, and I’m not. Instead of being overjoyed, I was actually sad.”
“Sorry, Jacqs. I can imagine. And you and Bond?”
“He’s still on hiatus.”
As sad as I felt, I still almost chuckled. “When the most sexual person you know is celibate, it’s kind of scary.”
“Yeah, I know what you mean.” She laughed.
“Can I use your bathroom?”
“Sure, I’ll go wait with the boys.”
“Hey, is it going to bug you if I—”
“Snuggle away.”
“Thanks.”
After scrubbing the makeup off my face and using the bathroom, I shuffled down the stairs and joined them on the large couch in front of the wide screen TV. Jacqs was sitting next to Red and Bond on the opposite end. I folded in against Bond, and he wrapped me up in his arms.
“So what happened?” Red asked. “Tate seemed excited about the date. He told me all about Market 17.”
“Yeah, the place was great.”
“So?” Bond asked.
“This woman, her name was Jessica, approached our table while we were waiting for dessert.”
“Past lover?” Jacqs asked. “His ex?”
“No, but she is apparently a part of his old group of friends and is clearly friends with his ex. It’s what he said to her about me.”
“Which was?” Jacqs asked, leaning into Red and turning to face me with her feet up on the couch.
“That I was no one and nobody and I essentially didn’t matter.”
“He said that?” Bond asked almost as a yell, sitting up and looking around to see my face.
“His exact words when asked who I was: ‘No one.’ Then she said something like she must be someone to somebody and he said: ‘Not to me, she’s nobody.’”
“I’m going to fucking punch him again!” Bond shouted, jumping up from the couch.
Red held out his hand and said, “Wait a minute.”
“You punched him?” Jacqs asked. She seemed upset, and I had a feeling it wasn’t over concern for Tate.
“After that bullshit, he deserves a hell of a lot more!”
“Sit down, Bond,” Red ordered. “Do you think he meant what he said? I mean, that doesn’t sound at all like Tate.”
“I asked him if he planned to introduce me and he said ‘no,’ right in front of the woman, and glared at me.”
Bond came in behind me again. “That sucks, Blue.”
“Did you get the feeling that Tate liked the woman?” Red asked as he held Jacqs to his chest.
“Well, no. Loathed would be a better term. You know the term, bitch on wheels? Think bitch in very nice, expensive heels.”
“Then I think you’re overreacting,” Red concluded.
“What!” Bond, Jacqs, and I exclaimed in unison.
“My guess is that he hasn’t had to confront the situation of his ex at all. Probably has avoided all those people, who from my guess are somehow involved. Right, Blue?”
“Yes. Jessica did give me a connection in all of her rambling bullshit that I hadn’t made myself.”
“Red, you know I love you, but you are out of your fucking mind. Would you ever have said that about me under any circumstances?” Jacqs asked, pivoting around to face him.
“No, of course not. But, I haven’t had to live through what Tate has. If I had to guess, his wife cheated on him with someone from their group of friends, for years if I was a betting man, and everyone knew it except him.”
“That’s truly horrible, if you’re correct, but that gives him no right to treat Blue that way,” Jacqs insisted. “Not ever.”
“Thank you, Jacqs,” I said, touching her arm. “He also said he would never love me.”
“That one is definitely bullshit, Blue,” Red interjected. “He already does. I’m very well aware of the affliction since I had it for years. He might not be willing to admit it or truly allow it, but it’s there. No doubt.”
“I have to agree with Red on that one,” Jacqs said.
“I don’t,” Bond said. “The dude doesn’t realize what he has if he could ever treat you the way he did tonight.”
“Bond, you’re clearly biased with your own agenda,” Jacqs said.
Red patted Jacqs’ back. “Blue, I think you should hear him out. Did he apologize afterward?”
“Yeah, but so what? If he can’t ever love me, if he won’t even introduce me, I can’t do it. I’m so sick and tired of not mattering to people, I can’t do it anymore. I’d rather be alone.”
“You don’t have to be alone,” Bond whispered into my ear.
“Really, Bond? You’re not helping,” Jacqs stressed.
“The last thing I want to do is bring conflict here. Can someone please take me home?”
“I’ll drive you—” Red started.
“That makes no sense,” Bond interrupted. “Blue is on the way back to my place and I have to be at work soon, anyway.”
“I think you
and Jacqs need to talk,” Red said.
“Can you give the Papa Bear crap a rest? Jacqs knows where we currently stand.”
“Blue, can I talk to you alone for a minute?” Red asked.
Neither Jacqs nor Bond appeared too pleased.
I shrugged. “Sure.”
When we stepped into the wood-paneled game room, Red said, “You deserve the world in my opinion, Blue. Give yourself time to sort through this before you fall back in bed with Bond.”
“Why do you care if Bond and I fuck?”
“Because you’re hurting.” He touched my shoulder, peering down at me. “You’ll regret it, and you could end up hurting Bond in the process.”
“Jesus fucking Christ! When did life get so damn complicated?”
“It doesn’t have to be. Let me drive you home.”
I thought about it for a few moments and then said, “Fine. Let’s go.”
“Call me or text anytime,” Bond said when he hugged me goodbye.
“I will and thanks for coming to get me.”
Jacqs waved as Red and I headed to the front of the house.
We rode in silence until he pulled into my apartment complex. I saw Tate waiting on the steps for me.
“Fuck!” I took my clutch off my lap and fished out my keys.
“Do you want me to talk to him for you?”
“Thank you for the offer, but I’ll handle it.” I reached over the console and hugged Red. “Thanks for looking out for me.”
“Always.”
I hopped down from Red’s SUV and took a deep breath. It did nothing whatsoever to settle me down. “What do you want?” I asked as I stepped past Tate and up the stairs.
“I wanted to make sure you made it home okay, and that you had the keys for the Jeep.”
I looked down the flight of steps at the man I thought I once loved. “I don’t want it. Have someone pick it up for you. Please tell your mechanic friend to call me, and I’ll arrange to get my car.”
“Blue, please. Tonight was a total fuckup on my part. I wasn’t prepared to deal with Jessica or any of it. But that shouldn’t erase—”
“Do you love me, Tate?”
He shook his head before speaking. “No, you know I can’t.” He intently stared at me, but I couldn’t feel its effects. Apparently, my own steel shield had erected itself.
“Are you ready to tell me what the fuck happened to you?” I struggled to hold back the deluge of tears.
“I can’t.”
“Then leave me alone. Just leave me the fuck alone.”
“Please give me the chance to make this up to you. You know how much I care about you.”
“Actually, I don’t. I know you enjoy fucking me, but I’m nobody to you. You made that abundantly clear tonight. Thanks for making me feel like one of your one-night stands, again.”
I ran up the second flight of steps and unlocked my door, closing it quickly behind me. My phone vibrated and I turned it off without looking to see who had texted me. I grabbed the gorgeous Calla Lilies and smashed them into the trash.
The next three days off from work stretched in front of me like a vast wasteland of self-torture.
CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE
Eyes On Fire
by Blue Foundation
I crumbled onto the couch in a torrent of tears, mentally beating myself up. You know better. You should know better. Ann tried to warn you. What the fuck is your problem? Why can’t you choose someone who can love you? Why am I not lovable?
I opened my computer and started to write my thoughts, my eyes still blurry and burning with the tears of my pathetic rejection.
This shit keeps happening because of my relationship with my father. That’s no real surprise. But listening to Tate dismiss me as nobody, carved such a deep crevice in my heart that the truth came flooding in. Every child needs to be loved. It’s basic survival because if your parents love you, they’ll protect you. My parents didn’t love or like me, and I had to protect myself. Only I never really learned how. I thought my brother did it for me for a while and then he didn’t. Not that it should’ve been his job!
Tate got to know the real me, which I could never share with my father, and I still wasn’t good enough. He didn’t protect me.
It’s time for me to grow some lady balls and start protecting myself.
I ran to the bathroom, swiped the Post-It note off the center of the mirror, and tore it into pieces. I then picked off the rest of the stickies that Tate created and tore those up as well.
I better learn to lick pussy, since I’m giving up men forever.
Back on the couch with the computer on my lap, I went on Facebook to distract myself and found a friend request from Matt. As soon as I accepted, he sent me a message.
Matthew Radford
Thanks for adding me.
Judy Radford
Hey, I have a question for you.
Matthew Radford
Okay.
Judy Radford
Did you know Mom broke Dad’s heart?
Matthew Radford
Yes, they fought about it all the time.
Judy Radford
She had an affair?
Matthew Radford
She said they were emotional affairs, never physical, but Dad never believed her.
Judy Radford
Did you think Mom and Dad loved us?
Matthew Radford
I think they were too caught up in their drama to think much about us.
Judy Radford
Why didn’t your marriage work?
Matthew Radford
Wow. Okay, we’re going deep.
Judy Radford
My “not boyfriend” has essentially crushed me, and I’m wondering if we are wounded the same. I know it’s stupid, but it just might help me.
Matthew Radford
She never put me first. I was like an afterthought after her family and friends. I knew once we had kids, I’d be in fourth place. Is that what the non-boyfriend did?
Judy Radford
No, not exactly. His past came between us. One he’s unwilling to share with me and yet, it was stuck between us the whole time. Somehow, I was supposed to pretend it didn’t matter. Then he tore my heart out and cut it into tiny little pieces, leaving me feeling like Dad always did. Like I don’t matter. Like I’m not good enough.
Matthew Radford
We’re more alike than you think. Was this Tate or Bond? I couldn’t figure out whom you were with at Mom’s.
Judy Radford
Tate. But Bond, too, in the past, although it’s been different recently.
Matthew Radford
Sounds familiar.
Judy Radford
What have you done about it?
Matthew Radford
I got divorced. I haven’t been serious with anyone else since.
Judy Radford
Great! (sarcasm) We’re both sad cases.
Matthew Radford
Tate seemed like a great guy. More mature than Bond. He watched you the whole time at Mom’s. Is there no hope? One of us should be happy.
Judy Radford
He won’t ever love me. He made that crystal clear.
Matthew Radford
Well, Sis, I’m sorry. That’s got to suck to hear.
Judy Radford
Yeah well, I only have myself to blame. He warned me from the start. Do you think there’s any value in talking to Dad?
Matthew Radford
DON’T DO IT! Seriously, you’ll get nothing you need from him. Trust me, he’s worse than you remember him.
Judy Radford
Wow, okay. Thanks for chatting with me. I’m going to sign off and cry some more. Not really. My eyes are so red and swollen already, I don’t think my tear ducts work anymore. I’m sorry you’re struggling the same way as me.
Matthew Radford
Yeah, you too. Thanks for giving me another chance. I’ve missed you more than you know.
J
udy Radford
Yeah, me too. Talk soon.
I shut down my computer and looked around my apartment. Sitting there in the quiet, I suddenly felt an all-consuming loneliness skulking about the edges of my psyche. I forced myself up, brushed my teeth, and climbed into bed before I did something stupid, like text Tate or Bond.
If I slept, it must have been in dreamful fits and starts, and after all that struggle, it didn’t keep the sun from rising on Saturday morning.
CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR
Reasons
by Earth, Wind, & Fire
The pounding on my door roused me from my stupor. “What the fuck!” I scurried out of bed and ran to the door. Yanking it open, I shouted, “What!”
“You’re not answering your phone,” Bond grunted as he stormed in past me, looking around.
“Oh, sorry. I turned it off last night.”
“You scared the shit out of me, Blue.” He hugged me to him too tightly.
I squirmed to get out of his embrace, and he let me go. “I’m fine. I’m not going to off myself or something. You know me better than that.”
He held his hands up. “Okay. None of us could get through, and we were all worried.”
“I’m truly sorry.” I picked up my phone from the couch and turned it back on.
“Tate called Red.”
“Why?” I asked, seeing all the missed calls and texts.
“I didn’t ask. Can I take you to lunch?”
I thought about it for a second. “I’m not much in the mood for company, and I doubt I could eat anything anyway.”
“Oh ... okay.”
“Please don’t take it personally. Kind of like you, I need to sort out my life and do things differently.”
“Yeah, yeah, I get it.” He shoved his hands in his pockets and looked down.
“Thanks for understanding.”
He peered up and said, “Give me a hug and I’ll take off.”
When we embraced, I let myself sink in against him. We held on, rocking together. Once he stepped back, he said, “The Jeep has stuff all over its windows.”
“Are you sure it’s Tate’s?”
“Yeah, the yellow stickies.”
“What do you mean?”
“Come down and see. There must be like five hundred of those suckers on there.”
I quickly changed into shorts and a T-shirt, and we hopped down the two flights of stairs. I couldn’t believe my eyes. Tate’s Jeep windows were covered with Post-It notes, all yellow ones. It must have taken him all night.
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