by Jamie Ayres
“Yes.” I moved toward the door, but glanced backwards at the painting of Grand Haven Pier, unsure.
As I exited her office, she told Nate he could come in.
Now I was sad for another reason. I didn’t want him to feel as alone as I had these past two months. Plus, if I was being honest, I was drawn to him in a way I couldn’t understand, but I wanted to.
“Um, Nate, I’m going to the beach with some of my friends on Monday around noon for a picnic. You’re welcome to meet us by the Grand Haven Pier and hang out.”
He smiled and nodded, and I couldn’t help but notice Dr. Judy did the same thing.
“I’ll see you there,” he said.
“The only rules that matter are these:
what a man can do and what a man can’t do.”
—Captain Jack Sparrow
Sucking in deep, calming breaths as I left Dr. Judy’s office, I searched for a bathroom to have my nervous breakdown in private, and of course, I couldn’t find one anywhere. I knew there was one in the ER lobby through the double doors up ahead, but there was not a chance in Hell I was going there. Too many haunting memories. Loria on her knees, Robert holding his arms around her shaking frame. Conner lying still on a table. I shook my head, trying to shake my thoughts away. Grief had become my smug companion. Maybe rushing into the ER and screaming at the walls would prove therapeutic. Are you happy with yourself? Do you know what you’ve done? You took a seventeen-year-old kid away from his parents, from his friends, from a girl who loved him more than life itself! Instead, I altered my course and backtracked. When I bore right, I spotted two nurses talking animatedly while Toe-touch Tammy stepped out of the elevator.
What is she doing here? Panicking again, I slinked into a supply room.
“What happened?” asked Tammy, her muffled voice filtering through the door.
With my ear pressed against the cold metal, I listened as a nurse explained. “Your father suddenly vomited up blood after drinking several beers at the bar up the street. The owner called for an ambulance right away, and the paramedics brought your dad to the ER. He had internal bleeding, part of liver failure. The blood vessels in his gut burst. Our liver specialist stopped the bleeding, using an endoscope—a flexible tube with a tv camera at the end. Then the doctor used a balloon to press on the vessels.”
The elevator doors dinged, and I heard Tammy speak in an exasperated voice. “Thank you so much for coming.”
The sound of heavy sobs followed, and my eyes glistened with sudden tears for my archenemy.
“I’m the Fitzgerald’s neighbor,” said a woman with a quavering voice, whom I assumed must have stepped out of the elevator since I heard the doors ding. “Tammy called me on her way over. What happened?”
“Alcoholic hepatitis,” the nurse announced. “I’ve just finished telling her about it. We’re treating him with a blood transfusion now, but he’ll need to stay with us for the next three weeks to recover. Tammy, how much does your father drink in a typical day?”
“Six to eight beers.” She sniffled.
“That’ll do it,” stated the nurse. “And how long has this gone on?”
“Since the day I was born,” Tammy responded in a weepy voice. “I’m his only child. Mom died during childbirth, and he took up drinking afterward to deal with the grief.”
Staggering backwards, I drew a hand to my heart and remembered the afternoon Conner died.
The school parking lot was nearly deserted while I waited for him by his Hybrid. My gaze flitted in search of Conner and then to the Lord of the Flies book I was reading for English class, never able to focus on either task for long. One of the vehicles, a Lexus, belonged to Toe-touch Tammy. As if summoned, she paraded like a peacock around the side of the building, with two other cheerleaders. I debated fleeing for a second, but then … .
“Hey, Olga!” Tammy put out her cigarette on the asphalt and blew smoke in my face.
I coughed but managed to fight off potential asthma attack number two for the day. Waving a geekazoid prop like an inhaler in front of Tammy would be worse than pulling Star Wars figurines out of my pocket and playing with them.
“So, um, like, how was your day?” Tammy asked, as if she cared. Lately, she kept messing with me, as if making me miserable was high on her priority list.
I had no idea why, because honestly, I wasn’t that important.
“You look so cute waiting here for Conner, like a lost puppy.” One of her cronies scoffed. Oh yeah, there was her reason. She was in love with Conner, too. Half of the school loved him.
“I don’t really speak cheerleader, but let me see if I can put this in terms you’ll understand. O-M-G, my day was like sooo totally fabulous, girlfriend! Eww, I think I just broke a nail! Gotta go!”
As I bolted past her, figuring I’d head inside to search for Conner, she snagged my sweater and jerked me backwards. “Listen, go ahead and have your mercy sailing date with Conner—”
I shoved her hand away and wondered how she even knew he and I were sailing. “I don’t need your permission.”
My cheeks burned, but there was no way I was letting Tammy get to me.
She held up her palm in a talk-to-the-hand way. “I’m still the one he’s taking to prom.”
She flicked my hair, and I had a sudden urge to hurl my textbooks at her.
“In one week, I’ll make all his dreams come true and beat you like the redheaded ugly stepchild you are.”
A million insults flashed through my mind. Somehow, one of Mom’s annoying life lessons popped into my head, telling me to be the better person, and I tried responding appropriately.
“Yeah, I get it. You’re prettier than I am,” I said. And she was, with her model tan legs, blonde hair with a cute inverted bob, blue eyes, and a chest too big to be natural. I was short, five-foot-two to be exact, with unruly long hair, fair skin with freckles dotting my nose and cheeks, glasses, and boobs that definitely couldn’t match her Victoria Secret double D size. “Now that I’ve admitted it, why don’t you get over yourself and get a life instead of messing with mine?”
She threw her head back in mock laughter. “Is that the best you got? Oh, I really don’t have anything to worry about. You’re ugly, poor, and pathetic.
My mind snapped back to the present, and I heard the nurse tell Tammy she could see her father now.
“Just beware. He won’t look good. His skin and eyes are a bright yellow, and his stomach is very swollen from the fluid. We’ll drain some of the fluid during the next three weeks, but the rest will need to drain on its own through alcohol abstinence. He’ll need you to be strong for him. It’s a lot to ask of someone your age.”
“There’s nobody else. So, if you’ll excuse me.” The roughness was back in her voice, and I heard her high heels click past me and down the hall.
“Sure is a beautiful girl.” From the sound of the soothing tone, I think it was the nurse who commented.
“Yes,” agreed the elderly neighbor. “She models to help pay the bills. She’s quite successful though, even won a Lexus through some modeling contest.”
My stomach slammed down to my feet, and I felt lightheaded as I tried to process all this new information about Toe-touch Tammy. She models to pay the bills? She’s not rich? Her dad is an alcoholic? She lost her mom and feels responsible for her death?
Maybe it was possible—even probable—we had more in common than anyone else I knew.
I yelped as the doorknob turned and the nurse’s face showed she was equally surprised to see me.
“Um … I’m looking for the bathroom?”
She squinted, seeming unconvinced, then pointed. “One door down.”
Of course. Forcing a small smile, I muttered “thanks” and rushed into the stall.
I didn’t walk back to The Bookman afterward. Instead, I took an extended lunch break. I didn’t want to stay indoors. I didn’t even want to stay in my skin, but I didn’t have a choice about that. So I headed to the hospital caf
eteria for some coffee and then sat outside in the courtyard. I sent a text to Nic so she wouldn’t worry when I didn’t return for a couple of hours, maybe even for the rest of my work shift. I just needed some time to think, about eighteen things apparently.
Thank you, Dr. Judy.
The air was the stuffy kind of humid, and I should’ve ordered something cold. Still, it seemed fitting for the temperature to match my personal Hell.
Was it too early to call it a day? Truthfully, I just wanted to go home and sleep. I wondered if the saying ‘time heals all wounds’ still worked its magic if I slept through all my days. I didn’t feel like staying outdoors anymore, of hearing birds chirp and viewing the cloudless sky. But getting up seemed like too much work.
“Got a match?” Tammy’s voice came from behind a pair of tall shrubs and startled me.
Breathing in slow and even, I barely shook my head.
She walked around to face me, pulled a matchbook from the pocket of her jeans, lit a cigarette then puffed smoke in my face.
“If you already had a match, why’d you ask me for one?”
She mimicked my smug tone. “I thought it’d be more ironic if I lit you on fire with your own match.”
I did what I should’ve done the day Conner died: ignored her. I pushed past her to go inside, but she stepped ahead of me and blocked the door.
“What are you doing here? Punishing yourself for killing my prom date?”
Shaking violently, I took a series of quick, short breaths. She was only going to prom with Conner because she’d tricked him. I was about to tell her I knew about her scheming ways. Then I reminded myself of the conversation I overheard in the hallway earlier. “I’m sorry to hear about your dad. I hope he’ll be okay.”
Pursing her perfect lips, she asked, “How’d you hear about Daddy?”
I offered a sad smile. “News travels fast in a small town.”
Flicking her cigarette in the air, the wind carried her ashes across the landscape. “Quit trying to change the subject. I don’t hear any denials. I want to hear you say you’re sorry for killing my prom date.”
Usually I’d just agree and slink away, but a fire built inside me now. “I hope your plan for Kyle to take me to prom was worth it. I would’ve never asked Conner to go sailing that day if I hadn’t been jealous.”
Okay, I couldn’t believe I just admitted that. Plus, my assessment was kind of unfair. Conner and I always took a first spring sail together, but asking him was a spur of the moment plan, one I thought up after he and Tammy agreed to attend prom together. Tammy’s trick was this: she wanted Conner for herself. In the hallway before first period, she’d made sure I overheard her gossiping about him asking her to prom. That was a total lie, but I didn’t know that at the time. Then, in the cafeteria when Conner was a captive audience, Tammy encouraged my friend Kyle to ask me to prom. I only said yes because I thought Conner was going with Tammy. She’d made her move then, practically throwing herself at Conner, and he asked her to be his date. The smirk on her face afterward still made me want to punch her.
I shook my head at the memory, angry I never got the chance to tell him the truth. “So, now you’re actually responsible for your mom’s death, possibly your dad’s, and Conner’s too.” I regretted the words even as they flew out of my mouth, but like a lightning strike, I couldn’t stop. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean … .”
A ridiculous, loaded pause followed after my words failed me. I could tell she was trying to figure out how I knew about her mother and her Kyle scheme. She must have decided she didn’t care how I knew, and she slapped me hard across the face.
I grimaced and stifled a sob. “I deserved—”
“Yes. You did.” Tammy cut me off, cold as ice, then out of nowhere, she dropped to her knees and sobbed.
I didn’t know what to do, so I joined her. We were both in hysterics, crying for what felt like hours, eventually handing each other fresh tissues from our purses and hugging.
The first rain of summer splashed across the grass. I hadn’t been caught in the rain, let alone looked at it, since the night Conner died. But just to show me everything was gonna be all right, the drops mixed with the sunshine to create a rainbow.
“What does this mean?” Tammy asked, looking at the sky.
I held out my hands. Tammy had been so awful to me since the start of this year, but the truth ‘nobody’s perfect’ hit me. I realized what she needed was a true friend. It was what everyone needed, and I sure could’ve used more of those myself.
“I think it means this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.”
“It’s not the years in your life that count.
It’s the life in your years.”
—Abe Lincoln
Tammy and I brought up the rear, carrying a cooler full of waters, sodas, and a huge watermelon. We were almost to our picnic area at Grand Haven State Park for our annual Memorial Day outing. It’s something Conner, Kyle, Sean, Nicole, and I started with our parents three years ago and continued by ourselves now. I invited Tammy before I left the hospital on Saturday, but my mouth went dry as we set the cooler down, gearing up for a nervous breakdown. Not only was I here without Conner, but I was at the beach near the very water where he died, where his ashes were now scattered
Tammy suspiciously eyeballed me. “Did you know they gave my dad a pair of Crocs at the hospital so he’d have something to easily shuffle in and out of?”
I turned slowly to study the expressions of my friends, wondering if I was missing something.
“Right,” Nicole responded with slow delivery. She plopped down on the blanket and opened a soda. “I think all the toxic chemicals in your cigarettes are impairing your brain function.”
Nobody was more surprised than Nicole when I’d informed her I invited Tammy.
Tammy laughed. “All I’m saying is if Crocs, the world’s ugliest shoes, can be so popular, then anything is possible.” She opened the cooler, took out two water bottles, then handed me one. “You can do this. STAR.”
STAR was a copping mechanism Dr. Judy gave me. I told Tammy about it when we’d chatted on the phone yesterday. The acronym stood for: Stop. Take A Rest. When something seemed overwhelming for me, I was supposed to take deep breaths and go to my happy place. My happy place used to be here. Now, I took a deep cleansing breath and thought of riding up Five Mile Hill, my favorite bike trail in town.
“Thanks. I can do this.” I said this more for myself than her.
“Of course you can. Never doubt my mad skills. I’ve been through enough therapy over the years for all of us. Now, if you’ll excuse me, it’s hotter than a mother out here.”
Tammy stretched her arms overhead, pulling off her cover-up. She sported a leopard print halter-top bikini, which barely covered her massive boobs. She raced toward the lake, then splashed Kyle, who was already in the water. Tammy’s boobs were like a train wreck; I couldn’t take my eyes off them.
Kyle stared at her chest; even from where I sat, I noticed his eyes were wide, nearly the size of walnuts.
I wondered if at some point Tammy used a portion of her modeling money for breast implants. Either way, this beach moment kicked my self-esteem down a few notches—to below zero. I wished she left on her cover-up.
That’s an odd thought.
Kyle splashed her back. With his blond hair and blue eyes, I noted he would actually make a very cute boyfriend for Tammy. They were even the same height.
Still studying her, I couldn’t help but try to adjust the top part of my red lifeguard style one-piece suit.
Oh, but what do I care if Conner’s not here anyway?
Then I spotted Nate walking toward us in baggy swim trunks, carrying a white boogie board. If his golden tan and defined biceps weren’t enough to make me drool yesterday, this shirtless vision before us also sported six-pack abs that could’ve made any guy on the beach jealous. I waved to make sure he knew it was me, and because I was incapable of tearing my gaze away
from him.
“Wow. Is he the guy you met at the hospital yesterday?”
I nodded. I hadn’t exactly told Nic I met him at therapy. Even though he was so open and honest with me, I wasn’t sure if he wanted everyone to know his business.
“Well, you better keep an eye on Mr. Hottie or you-know-who will snatch him for herself. Who does Dolly Parton think she is anyways?” Nicole chugged the last bit of soda, then threw the can on Tammy’s towel.
Nic’s sneer made me flinch. “She’s not doing anything wrong. We can’t hate her just because of her Victoria Secret measurements.”
Nicole rolled her eyes, but I resisted the urge to tell her she needed a calming breath. “Whatever. Did you ask her if she wrote you those notes you found in your locker?”
A sudden burst of voices and cheering came from the pier. I looked over just in time to see a group of kids jumping, which wasn’t really allowed. Rocks surrounded the area, and some people had gotten hurt in the past few years.
“Um, no.”
She lifted an eyebrow. “Well, it’s about time someone did.”
Nicole stalked off across the sand toward the water.
I felt dizzy.
“Catfight?” Nate asked, plopping down beside me on my blue towel with the picture of Grand Haven Pier on it. His smile was contagious.
Sean was stretched out on Nic’s beach towel on the other side of me, still fully dressed and listening to his iPod, but he sat up and introduced himself to Nate. “How’d you meet our girl Olga?”
I watched the sailboats way out on the lake, my eyes glazing over, waiting for Nate’s response.
“It’s kind of a funny story.” He turned his incredulous gaze on me, and I nodded to show I didn’t mind him mentioning Dr. Judy and tugged at my lip in anticipation. “We both have the same therapist to deal with our … issues.”
I couldn’t help but laugh.
Sean whipped off his sunglasses and stared at me. “It’s not funny.”