“Wow.” He gasped, at last.
“I did tell you I was an excellent dancer. The horizontal mambo is my specialty. In case you were wondering—for future reference—I also excel at the recumbent rhumba.”
“I am suitably impressed by your effortless rhythm—and modesty—though I think I deserve a little credit for my ability to lead. I guess the Fates knew what they were talking about, after all,” he mused, pressing his lips to my hair. He scooted us onto the edge of the blanket, and pulled the other half over me.
“I suppose I should have taken into consideration they’d have to have a decent track record or forfeit the position,” I allowed. His arms tightened and his body tensed beneath me, holding us steady as the truck swayed and tilted. Safe and sated, I allowed my lids to drift closed.
****
I awoke with a start, momentarily disoriented. Garrett’s warm skin and the steady drum of his heartbeat in my ear brought me back to the present. I had no idea how long I’d been asleep, but the truck’s steady vibration seemed to have changed timbre.
“So where are you taking me on our date?” I yawned with a smile, as the transmission whined and ground down into a lower gear. The trailer slowed, swayed to the right, and shuddered to a stop with a loud, squealing hiss of the air brakes.
“Well, since you did the asking, I think protocol demands you take me on a date. But, right now…” He rolled me gently to the side and sat up. Moments later, my clothes were shoved into my arms. “I think you’d better get dressed. We’ve been on the road quite a while, and I have a hunch we’re about to get company.”
“What? Wait. What about you?” I struggled awkwardly into my clothes. Fortunately, jeans and a sweatshirt aren’t especially complicated, even in pitch darkness. And I still had one sock dangling from my foot, so that was a timesaver. “I mean, I understand Shifters have no problem with nudity. But, humans do kind of frown on public displays of full frontal. In fact, in California indecent exposure falls under Penal Code Section three-four-one and can be charged as either a misdemeanor or a felony, depending on intent and your past record. You don’t have a past record, do you?” For all I knew, he made a regular habit of traipsing about with his frank and beans flapping in the wind. “In either case, it carries a lifetime sex offender registration requirement. Since I’m a teacher, that could negatively impact our dating future.”
“We’re not in California, and I will be wearing fur. How in the hell do you know all that?”
“Told you, I read a lot.” I shrugged, knowing he could see even if I couldn’t. “You’re rolling your eyes, aren’t you?”
“Thought you couldn’t see in the dark?” Garrett chuckled, his voice low and distant.
“I hear them rattling around in your head.” I tugged my shirt down over my waistband and squinted into the blackness. As if that would help. “Where are you?”
“Quiet…” he whispered
I snapped my trap shut and discerned the indistinct murmur of voices. A moment later, Garrett’s hand dropped onto my shoulder. It goes without saying I never saw him coming. Unfortunately, I never heard him either. I jumped a mile, tripped over the blanket, and landed on my floor-abraded ass with a tremendous thunk that hurt like hell and echoed through the empty space.
“Let me guess…stealth is your middle name?” Garrett grasped my hands and pulled me to my feet.
“It’s a gift.” I slapped a palm over my burning butt to brush it off.
“On the upside, we’re probably not smack dab in the middle of civilization.” Garrett tugged me in the direction of the door. At least I assumed it was in the direction of the door.
“Why is that the upside?”
“Because a disheveled witch with her shirt on backwards and a large black wolf might attract a little too much attention hopping out of the back of a truck on Main Street. Now, I want you to move over there to the left.”
“Right.”
“No, left.”
“Left… right.”
“Ella, I want you to move to your left as far as you can go.” He gave me a gentle shove in the right direction. Which was left.
“Right. That’s what I said. Why are you counting to ten? Goddess, you’re impatient.”
“Our suspendered friend is going to lift the door,” he continued, ignoring my observation. “As soon as it’s high enough, jump and run. To. The. Left. I’m relatively certain there will be woods. I smell them. Run into the trees as fast as you can, and don’t look back.” He gripped my shoulders and pressed his lips to mine. “Keep running and don’t stop, no matter what. I promise I’ll be right behind you. Understand?”
“Jump, left, run. Got it.”
Gravel crunched outside, and the door rattled. A flock of butterflies launched from my stomach and clogged my throat. I reached for Garrett’s hand and got a fistful of fur instead. He pushed against my leg with his enormous head.
“You’ll be right behind me?” I whispered. He nudged me again, which I interpreted as an affirmative.
After hours in darkness, the daylight pouring in as the door rolled up nearly blinded me. I blinked rapidly, willing my eyes to adjust, crouched, and prepared to jump. A dark blur streaked by in my peripheral vision. The gargantuan black wolf leapt straight at the man outside, knocking him to the ground, and giving me a head start. I hit the pavement, hoping to absorb the shock with my knees, but my back muscles screamed anyway. I forced myself to straighten and run. Left. Into the trees Garrett had correctly predicted would be there. Branches snagged my hair and swatted my cheeks. Roots clawed at my ankles, but amazingly, I didn’t fall once. Breath hitching, arms and legs pumping, I pressed on, running as though my life depended on it. Because it probably, you know, might.
I ran until my chest burned, and I had to pause and press a hand to the stitch in my side. I gulped down some air and took off again. Although I’ve never considered myself particularly athletic, I felt confident I would have kept running indefinitely if not for two things—a trio of morbidly obese cats who moseyed from the bushes and planted their wide loads directly in my path, and the strong, sinewy arms that shot around my waist, arresting my forward progress and preventing a disaster of epic proportions. Or at least a staggering number of bruises, abrasions, and a couple of broken bones.
“Your hair is purple,” leered the massive calico with the double chin. “That’s hot.”
“And you’re fat,” I shot back.
“Actually, that’s me, Dollface,” the ginormous gray with the white tummy announced in a cartoon gangster voice, taking no apparent offense at my thoughtless remark. “Fat Bastard, that is.” He poked a paw in the calico’s direction. “That randy ball-licker is Boba Fett. And the third member of our deadly trio—”
“Jango Fett at your service. And I do mean service.” The white cat with gray splotches finished for him and pawed his kitty nads with a wink. “If you got the time, I got the—”
“Where are we and where’s your witch?” Thankfully, Garrett cut him off before I had time to develop a visual. “We’ve got a problem, and Ella’s indisposed. We need magical backup.”
“What kind of—?” I turned in Garrett’s arms, clapped eyes on him for the first time, and promptly lost the ability to speak. Or think. Or breathe. Six feet of sexy filled my vision. Thick, dark hair curled at his nape. The breadth of his chest was eclipsed only by his immense shoulders. My eyes wandered lower, taking in his impressive twelve pack, muscular thighs, and—Goddess! My tongue stuck to the roof of my mouth. Sparkling green eyes bored right into mine, and the corner of his mouth quirked up in a lopsided grin as he endured my inspection. Oh. My. Hell. He was looking at me the way I look at doughnuts. Now that was hot.
“You’re awful cocky for a trespasser,” Fat Bastard grunted, and the other two nodded their agreement.
“We’re not trespassing.” I reluctantly tore my gaze away from Garrett’s smoking stack of man muscle, and spun to face the furry triad. “At least, not intentionally. I’m Louella Ladyfern,
the Adjunct Professor in the Department of Healing Herbs and Medicinal Plants at Hemlock Hall Academy. This is Garrett, whose name is not Doyle, an alpha wolf, formerly a stray cat-pig-wolf Shifter under a curse. Which I broke.”
“Without magic.” Garrett’s arms slipped around me. “Because she’s amazing.”
“She also has a remarkable set of knockers,” Boba added.
“Indeed, and you best put your eyes back in your furry little head before I yank them out,” Garrett growled. Boba blinked and took a little kitty step back. “Anyway, we pissed off Baba Yaga and have been serving detention among the mortals.”
“Until an Ekimmu sent by the Yaga trashed my apartment, stole my doughnuts, and told me I could come home,” I continued. “I’m directionally challenged, my car Ronald was impounded, and we had to stow away in a truck belonging to an axe murderer. We didn’t mean to trespass. We’re just trying to get to Hemlock Hollow so I can get my magic back and we can go on a date.”
“Witch, please!” Fat Bastard rolled his eyes. “Maybe you got bodacious boobies, but you ain’t too bright. Someone’s yanking your pubes. Baba Yohoohaw don’t associate with Ekimmus. Those bitches are dark motherhumpers.”
“Who smell like old lady yoga pants soaked in sour milk and sprinkled with sardine juice,” Jango offered. The leaves rustled in the treetops, and the distinct and now familiar fragrance of decay permeated the air. My stomach heaved. I pressed a hand to my throat and swallowed hard. I’d struggled to put a label on the aroma since the green ghoul first invaded my space. The cat nailed it.
“See what I mean?” Jango wrinkled his nose and hacked up a hairball. “Crotch rot.”
“But, if the Yaga didn’t send her, then who—?”
“Oh, Ella. Can’t you guess?” I froze as a voice I fervently hoped never to hear again floated out of the forest behind us. Pulse hammering in my skull, I tore free of Garrett’s arms and spun, my eyes darting frantically among the trees to discern the whereabouts of its owner. Instinctively, I raised a shaking hand, before remembering I couldn’t do anything useful with it. Actually, I could, and in fact, recently had. But, those particular talents wouldn’t help us at the moment.
“Wendell,” I choked as the dark, elegant warlock I once thought I loved stepped into view. His ripe, moldering green accomplice hovered over his shoulder. I guess the two-faced, narcissistic sonfoabitch of a warlock hadn’t forgotten that pesky little promise to get even, after all. Forkityforkforkfork.
Chapter Nine
“I tried to tell you our driver wasn’t the axe murderer,” Garrett muttered under his breath. “Got side-tracked by the cats.”
“And I got side-tracked by your magnificent magic wand. Shit happens,” I whispered from the side of my mouth. I cleared my throat and shouted through the trees, inordinately proud of the fact my voice barely shook at all. “Why, if it isn’t Scary Poppins and the chimneysweep. What do you want you tallow-faced, slug-sucking, dick-less worm?”
“Dick-less worm? That’s not what you said—” He aimed a lethal glance at his ghastly green gal pal who cackled with glee. “Shut up, Shirley. Ah, well. I suppose I should be neither hurt nor surprised your affection for me has waned.” He lowered his eyes and brushed an imaginary fleck from his immaculate black sleeve with an exaggerated sigh.
“The only thing I feel for you is disgust, Wendell. You used me.”
“I did, indeed. In all fairness, I can’t be held accountable for your gullibility, can I? However, seeing you reported me to the Council of Witches, and then testified against me, I sure as hell am not above taking advantage of it. Twenty years in that cesspool, Ella.” His voice hardened, and his eyes flashed angry fire. “Twenty years with no magic, surrounded by icky, cranky, and older-than-dirt witches and warlocks with no appreciation of my brilliance. Fortunately, just as I hoped, despite your academic prowess and the many letters after your name, you’re still as common-sense-stupid as ever. Only you would be dumb enough to believe the Yaga would send an Ekimmu to summon you home. And now here we are, and you’re the one with no magic. Poetic justice, don’t you think?”
“You are pond scum. No, you are the excrement of pond scum,” I spat, thinking even that was too charitable a description. The air shimmered around me, and Garrett’s wolf stepped forward with barred teeth and a menacing growl, planting himself between me and the warlock. “In fact, you are the maggot who feeds off the excrement of pond scum.”
“Sticks and stones, Louella.” His bitter, unpleasant laugh stood my hair on end. “Pity your verbal arsenal won’t save you. Not without your magic. I’d suggest you tell your hairy boyfriend to heel. It’s you I have the beef with, but if I have to sacrifice a Shifter to gain justice? I won’t lose any sleep over it.”
“Garrett, please,” I whispered, sorrow and regret tightening my chest. “Your people need you, and I…well, since I’m about to die, I guess it really doesn’t matter what I want or need. Please back off. I won’t let you die for me.”
“Don’t be such a drama queen, Dollface.” Fat Bastard and his associates swaggered—aka lumbered—from behind me and formed a line in front of Garrett, who hadn’t budged an inch despite my plea. “You and your hunka-hunka burnin’ love ain’t dying today. Not on our watch.”
“I appreciate the sentiment, and maybe if you’d summoned your witch…” I trailed off helplessly. Familiars, even three of them combined, couldn’t summon enough magic to thwart a pissed off, dark magic spewing warlock with an agenda. Courtesy of yet another shining example of my poor judgement, both I, and the man I knew in my heart was The One, were about to die. No date. No dancing. No destiny. The only thing standing between me and the indignity of leaving behind a purple-haired corpse was a brash trio of corpulent cats and a wolf willing to die to protect me. All things considered, I guess there were worse ways to go.
“Zelda’s busy wankin’ an injured Shifter, or some crap. Her mate Mac, bein’ the King and all, has some magical effin’ affinity to the Earth. Knows when strangers enter his territory. Sent us to check things out. Fortunately for youse. Just plant your boobalicious self right there, and don’t underestimate the stupidity of arrogance,” advised Boba Fett, lifting his tail and flashing his nuts.
Wendell’s lips twisted in an expression of smarmy amusement as he observed the three portly felines lining up like pawns on a chessboard in front of the king and queen. He raised a hand in the air, and called up his magic. My gut twisted at the sight of the murky black flames enveloping his fingers. His magic used to be a sparkling magenta. If I’d had any doubts, I knew now he really had gone skipping down the path to the dark side.
“Final warning, Louella. This is between you and me. I tried being a nice guy, biding my time until I could lure you away to an isolated spot to minimize collateral damage. Then Shirley reported you’d stowed away in a truck, and I heard opportunity knocking. However, even my patience has limits. Call off your friends, or take them with you. Either way, bend over and kiss your lovely ass good-bye.”
“Heads down,” Jango bellowed as the wind picked up and Wendell unleashed a massive bolt of shimmering dark magic in our direction. The calico leapt onto Fat Bastard’s outstretched paws almost faster than my eyes could focus, and back-flipped onto the big guy’s shoulders. He stretched up to his full height, holding steady while Boba scurried with unexpected agility to the top of the spontaneous kitty totem pole. I screamed and clapped a hand over my mouth as the violent jolt slammed into Jango’s belly. Garrett crashed against me, knocking me to the ground, and throwing his body over mine.
“Oh my Goddess, are they dead?” I sobbed, squirming beneath him, desperate to check on the courageous, if completely misguided critters who’d taken the lethal hit intended for me. I shoved my gale-tossed hair out of my face, and gaped in shock. Unbelievably, the tubby triad was still standing.
“This buttwanker is on my last nerve.” Boba Fett belched with enthusiasm after bending toward Jango’s belly and swallowing the lethal black bo
mbshell. He raised his tail and expelled a series of perfectly formed smoke rings while Fat Bastard reached up, patted out the lingering flames roasting Jango’s midsection, and then stuck his smoldering paw in his mouth.
Wendell gawked in horrified disbelief when the smoke cleared. Instead of the carnage he surely anticipated, the cat tower stood intact, undulating in the Ekimmu’s wild wind like one of those inflatable arm-flailing tube guys car dealerships are so fond of. The murky magic flashed and swirled around the rotund kitties, growing in size, thickening and expanding until it blocked my sight of Wendell and his madly whirling green cohort. Between the magic, the leaves and dust swirling in the erratic wind gusts, and the lingering smoke, I could barely even see the cats. However, I could certainly hear them. They whooped and cackled from the heart of the magic like a pack of pubescent boys who’d just discovered a stash of porn magazines and a six pack.
“Let ‘er rip, boys!” Fat Bastard bellowed. The enormous, flaming cloud of magic streaked right back at the warlock who’d tried to kill us. I buried my face in my hands and tried to block out the tormented shrieks and agonized screams that echoed through the trees. As the sounds gradually faded, and the wind diminished to a pleasant odor free breeze, Garrett’s weight eased. Then two strong arms lifted me to me feet and held me close while shudders wracked my body.
“You could have died! What were you thinking?” I pressed my face into Garrett’s wide, warm chest, so thankful he remained unscathed. “I don’t know why I’m crying. I detested Wendell. Truly, I did. But, I never wanted…”
“That’s because you have a heart, Buttercup. I, for one, am not the least bit sorry he’s crispy. His kind never forgets a slight, and holds a grudge forever. He would’ve always been a threat to you. So, come on. Stop crying over fried warlock. It’s not your fault. He left them no other choice.” Garrett’s arms tightened around me.
“I know,” I sighed, hugging him in return. Then I raised my fists to my eyes and knuckled away the moisture. “It’s just sad.”
Magic and Mayhem: Witchin' A Ride (Kindle Worlds Novella) Page 7