by Deorre, Iris
‘I’m fine. Sit down.’
They both sat down.
‘How are you doing so far?’
‘I’m okay I guess. How are you?’
‘Good. I’m moving down to London to be with my fiancé. He got a job down South. I wanted to tell you and not just disappear.’
‘Sounds nice. I’m happy for you.’ Freya couldn’t feel happiness even if she tried. She had no desire to care about the good things that seemed to be happening with Tasmin.
‘I’ve been reading your magazine. You’re doing well.’
‘Yes I am. Funnily.’ It often surprised her how she’d been able to keep her head above water this long. She blamed all the rescuers in her life. If only they’d let her be, she’d be in peace.
‘I’m proud of you. I admire your courage and strength.’
‘Doesn’t feel like strength to me. It’s a struggle. My life is one big struggle.’
Tasmin was silent a moment. She didn’t know what to say. It was hard to look Freya in the face at times.
‘But don’t worry about me. The hospital is taking good care of me.’ Freya smiled. ‘It’s nice to see you. I’m glad you came.’
‘Yes me too.’
Freya hadn’t seen her since the evening they’d all been out. Tasmin and Loretta had all tried to help her, but Freya was beyond help. They’d always popped in here and there to make sure she was alright. It wasn’t like Freya missed them, her friends were vodka and cocaine and occasionally tequila. Those friends never let her down the way real people did.
‘So when’s the big day?’ Freya was doing everything in her power to make conversation. The medication had made her a little drowsy and she really wanted to have a nap, but she would try and be polite.
‘Next September. I’d like you to be at my wedding.’
‘That’s if I’m still alive.’ She joked, but Tasmin didn’t laugh. ‘It’s a joke.’ It wasn’t really. ‘I would love to be there.’
‘Great. I’ll make sure I send you an invite.’
‘Perfect.’
There was a minute of uncomfortable silence, but soon Tasmin broke the silence by making small talk. It was another twenty minutes before she said her goodbyes.
‘It was nice to see you,’ said Freya.
‘Yes it was nice to see you too. Don’t be a stranger.’
‘I won’t.’
They hugged and Tasmin was on her way. Freya headed to her room. She didn’t have to check in with a nurse. She was free to do as she wished, and they checked in on her every hour. It was another long road to recovery. Freya just wished it would end.
****
The next morning, Freya was face to face with a therapist. It had been a while since she’d had a one on one. This time the hospital was trying a different approach, hoping she wouldn’t return.
‘How are you feeling, Freya?’ asked the therapist.
Freya shrugged.
‘Happy, sad, discouraged? If there was one word to describe how you feel, what would it be?’
‘Death.’
‘You don’t mean that.’
‘I do. I want to die. I don’t know why people won’t just let me get on with it.’
‘Because they love you, and it would be hard losing you.’
She was silent.
‘Why do you want to die? Perhaps if we get to the bottom of this we could finally put this to bed.’
‘The only way to put this to bed is for me to die. And one day I will be successful.’
The therapist kept her cool and stayed non-judgmental. She’d come across a lot worse things.
‘Why did you start drinking? Let’s start there. You weren’t always a drinker or taking drugs. What happened?’
‘Nothing happened. My life is just a miserable mess.’
The therapist looked at the notes in front of her a while.
‘The last time you were admitted, you were hearing voices. Tell me about them.’
‘I can’t. I don’t know what to say.’
‘What do the voices say?’
‘I can’t really hear them. Sometimes they’re whispers, sometimes just loud noise.’
‘When did you first start noticing them?’
‘I don’t remember.’
‘I see. I’m really trying to help you. I want you to realise that you can finally get to a place where you are happy.’
‘I doubt that very much. Nothing will ever make me happy. All the medication does is shut out the voices. It’s fine for a while, but soon enough the urge to die comes again.’
‘I really want to help you, but until you start talking, we can’t move forward. You’ll end up here again.’
‘Or in the morgue.’
‘Would you like to talk about your family instead?’
‘No. I’d like to leave now if that’s okay.’
The therapist nodded. ‘We’ll try again tomorrow.’
Freya stood up and left. Later that day, Ferguson came to visit. For the first time in her life she actually enjoyed a visit. Most visits were just that, visits, and she had to pretend to enjoy their company, but this time she actually did enjoy his company.
‘How’s it been so far?’ he asked.
‘The usual. I have to pour out my sob stories so they can fix me. The truth is I can’t be fixed. No one can fix me.’
He leaned forward and said, ‘I can. I can fix you.’
She shifted on the chair. They were sat in her room. ‘No one can fix me, not even you. I’m broken.’
‘And why is that?’
‘It just is. I’m damaged. All the booze and coke has ruined me. I don’t think I have long left anyway.’
‘I see. Well, I know you’ll be different soon. This time next year you’ll be a different person.’
She laughed. ‘Do you know how many times people have tried to fix me. Not even the professionals can.’
‘But I can. You’ll see.’
She studied him a moment, a curl appeared on his lips.
‘I think you and I are alike.’
‘I doubt that very much.’
‘Well, things will change. I’m here for you. I will make your life beautiful again.’
‘I see.’
‘You will.’ He took her hand and gave it a rub. ‘Anyway, do you know when you’ll get out?’
‘Soon I suppose.’
‘Sounds good. I want to take you out for dinner. We didn’t quite finish dinner last time.’
‘Yes well, we might never get to the finish.’
He smiled.
‘I could do with some coke. I feel as if I’m going to lose it in here. The meds do help, but I do need some powder. Please.’
‘I’ll see what I can do.’
‘You can contact my supplier Allen…I have his number.’
‘Don’t worry about that. I’ll find someone reliable.’
‘Oh okay.’
‘It will all be okay.’ He gave her hand a squeeze.
‘Why are you being nice to me? I’m a complete mess.’
‘Because I like you. I think you’re very beautiful, smart and successful. You have all the qualities I admire in a woman.’
‘Except for my horrible drug and alcohol abuse. Clearly those are not admirable traits.’
He smiled as he brought her hand to his lips and brushed it with his lips. ‘You’re perfect to me.’
Her body tingled. That had never happened to her. She’d never taken an interest in men. For the first time in her life she felt a little twinge for a man. This man was a different human being all together.
‘So I’ll see you tomorrow.’
She nodded.
‘Good. And don’t worry, we’ll figure out how to get it to you.’
****
The very next day, Ferguson arrived with a bouquet of flowers.
‘You’re spoiling me with all these flowers.’
‘Not really.’ He smiled as he handed them over. ‘I suggest you have a good sniff of the
white lilies. And if I were you I’d do it soon.’ He winked.
It clicked as she looked in one of the lilies. ‘You are crafty.’
‘I am. And I can’t stay I’m afraid. Be sure not to get caught or you’ll never get out.’
‘I’ll do my best. Not much here anyway.’
‘Exactly. I don’t want you in trouble.’
She took in a long sniff and took in the powder. She dropped her head back as she wiped her nose. Ferguson knew that this was all very risky, but he wanted her to be happy, and if this was what made her happy, he would give it to her.
‘Right. I’ve got to get off. I have a business meeting.’
‘Okay. Thank you for the flowers.’
‘You’re welcome.’ He leaned forward and gave her a kiss. ‘See you soon.’
Chapter Six
Freya took a swig from the bottle of vodka as she stood in front of the mirror. She had been let out after two weeks, but had hit the bottle the moment she’d got out. She’d had a mixture of pills and vodka and the voices had been kept at bay. She swirled from side to side in the maroon dress. She wobbled a little in the high heeled black shoes but giggled as she did so. Life didn’t feel as bad as it had. Perhaps Ferguson was right. Perhaps he was the one to make everything better.
Just then the doorbell rang. She took another quick swig of the bottle, then replaced the lid.
‘Right, time to have some fun. What the hell is that anyway.’ She spoke to herself, and headed downstairs. Freya flung the door opened and there he was, standing handsome as ever in a black suit and white shirt.
‘Hi,’ she swirled.
‘Look at you. You look lovely darling.’ He leaned forward and gave her a kiss.
‘Did you bring my stuff?’
‘Course I did.’ He brought out a packet of white powder. ‘The best of the best. I made sure it was clean. This is top quality.’ He kissed her cheek.
She lifted and dropped her shoulders like an excited child would. ‘I’ll be a few minutes.’ She pointed towards the toilet.
‘Take your time. I’ll be snooping around your lovely house.’
‘Snoop around.’ She rushed for the downstairs toilet and quickly opened the coke like her life depended on it. Ferguson only handed her bits at a time and never gave her more than he thought she could handle. He knew that she’d find a way to get some anyway, but for now her supplier was out of the way, it would take her time to find someone new.
Once the powder had been shot into her system she looked up into the mirror and looked at herself. Her eyes were wide, she looked great and yet deep inside she was living in darkness. That darkness sometimes showed in her eyes, but that evening, Freya didn’t see it. There was a spark of hope, something had changed, but only a little bit, and for a split second she smiled. Was that really a smile? Things were spinning and had been heightened, but she could function like she’d always done.
‘Ready!’ she swirled like a little girl once out of the bathroom.
‘Fantastic. Let’s go.’ He took her by the hand and they headed off.
The driver opened the door and they headed off. This time he took her to a Thai restaurant.
‘I wanted to try something different with you. I hope this will satisfy you.’
‘Right now I don’t really mind where we are.’
‘I can see that.’ He laughed. How about you try the green curry or maybe something else.’ He held the menu out so she could see.
‘Surprise me, I will have whatever you choose.’
‘You’re easy to please.’
‘Sometimes. I just don’t do what people ask me to do.’
‘That I can clearly see. It makes you a good business woman.’
‘Yes it does, but I’m not a strong enough woman to stop the urge to kill myself. I want out of my body.’
‘Don’t wish for something you have no idea about. Give me time to show you there is another way to live. You can live and feel alive.’
‘Yes well I’m yet to see that.’
He reached over and rubbed her hand. ‘I like you a lot, and the more time I spend with you the more I feel it.’
She smiled. ‘I think I like you too. I’ve never liked a man.’
‘Is there a reason for that?’
‘No.’ She pulled back her hand. ‘I just haven’t been interested.’
He studied her a moment. Freya avoided his gaze. Just as he was about to ask a question the waitress arrived for the order. He took his time to place an order and made sure a double vodka on the rocks was on the order.
‘Right that’s out of the way. Now where were we?’
‘We were talking about how I’ve never liked being with men.’ Freya found herself wanting to tell him. That had never happened to her before.
‘Did someone hurt you?’ he asked concerned.
‘I don’t want to talk about this. Let’s talk about something else.’
‘Okay. If that’s what you want.’
‘It is. It’s what I want.’
‘Your wish is my command.’
The evening turned out to be pleasant, and even though she was high on drugs and booze she was aware of her surroundings.
The drive back to her place was done in silence. She looked out into the world and wondered why her life had to be this way. She still wanted to escape, but the man beside her seemed to care enough not to let her fall into that dark hole. She felt his hand take hers. She squeezed it acknowledging that it was okay. She liked it.
‘You’re safe with me.’ He whispered into her ear.
She turned to him and smiled.
‘Don’t worry about a thing.’
The car stopped outside the huge house. Ferguson walked her to the door. ‘It’s been lovely. I’d like to see you again.’
‘Would you like to come in?’
He wasn’t expecting that. ‘If you want me to.’
‘I would. I don’t want to be alone. I don’t want to hear the voices tonight.’
‘Okay. I’ll just tell my driver.’
She nodded and waited. For some reason she wanted him close. She was afraid that if he left she wouldn’t be able to cope, and it would be the end of her. He returned soon enough and they walked into the house hand in hand. Freya guided him upstairs.
‘I need to take my meds; I’ll be a few minutes.’ She disappeared into her ensuite bathroom.
Ferguson took time to take in the impressive surroundings. It was amazing how Freya had managed to run a business and keep her home in her state when his father couldn’t even hold down a job. The man always found money to drink, but never to keep the home.
‘Sorry. I just have to keep the craziness at bay.’ She wobbled as she tried to take off her shoes.
‘Let me help you. Sit down.’
She dropped onto the bed. He took her foot and gently pulled off the shoes, and did the other one too. Freya lay back and looked up at the ceiling. Everything was moving fast. She wanted it to stop.
‘Please stop!’
‘Okay,’ he said.
‘Not you! The spinning. Everything is spinning out of control!’
He got onto the bed with her. ‘It’s going to be okay. Shut your eyes,’ he said soothingly. ‘Whatever it is, I’ve got you. Whatever it is it will be okay.’
Freya shut her eyes listening to his soothing voice. Doing what he said shut out the ceiling and made the spinning feel better.
‘How’s that?’ He rubbed her shoulder gently.
‘Better.’
They moved to the centre of the bed. Ferguson pulled off his shoes, jacket and rolled up the sleeves to his shirt.
‘Come here.’ He pulled her into him.
Freya felt safe. For the first time in her life she felt safe.
‘I won’t hurt you,’ he whispered.
‘I know.’ She felt her throat tighten. ‘I know.’
‘Good.’ He kissed her shoulder gently.
It wasn’t long before the medication kick
ed in and she was soon sound asleep.
****
‘No! No! Leave me alone!’ She pushed off his hand, shot up and got off the bed. ‘Stay away from me. Leave me alone.’ She covered her ears.
‘Freya. Freya darling…what’s the matter?’ he said softly.
‘Leave me alone. Leave me!’ She cried and held onto her ears as if she had a really bad earache.
‘It’s okay. Do you need your medication?’
She looked at him as if he were a stranger. He rushed into the bathroom and found bottles of pills. He had no idea which ones she needed so he took all three bottles and poured a glass of water from the jug and rushed back into the room.
‘Here. Take these.’ He shook the bottles at her.
She looked at him a little suspicious.
‘It’s okay darling. Take your meds. You’ll be fine. You had a bad dream.’
She walked up to him slowly.
‘It’s okay.’
Freya pointed at one of the bottles.
‘This one?’
She nodded.
He put the others down, unscrewed the cap and handed one over with the glass of water. She took it. He waited. He didn’t know what would happen next.
‘Are you okay?’
‘No.’ She dropped to her knees and began to cry.’
‘Who did this to you? Who took away your joy?’
Her shoulders shook uncontrollably.
‘It’s okay. It’s okay.’
She lay into his shoulder and shut her eyes. ‘I want a drink.’
‘Okay. In a minute.’ He kept her close.
‘I wish I didn’t. I wish I didn’t need it.’
‘I understand. Don’t worry about it. It will be okay.’
****
Ronald looked at the picture again. Was he really going to attend this ball? His boss had insisted. At first he was fine about it until he recognised the host.
‘You make sure you make a big donation. I want you to give the cheque personally. I want to be mentioned in that magazine. It would mean the world to our business.’ His boss had said.
‘Yes sir.’ Ronald was a people pleaser. Always had been. He’d followed and allowed others to dictate what he did. It would be hard to face her. He wasn’t sure he’d know how. Perhaps she wouldn’t recognise him.
He took a look in the mirror. He had aged a little, but there was no denying who he was. Freya would recognise him in an instant. He put the invite with her picture down and took in a deep breath. How was this even possible? What had been the chances? He was all the way down in London and she was in the North where he’d last left her.