Though Swans are not listed in the DSM, many psychiatrists categorize them as borderline personality types. Whether that is fact or vengeful thinking on the part of the members of the medical profession who do not get to ride Swans is open to debate. But implicit in the symbiotic relationship between Swans and social climbers is the unspoken understanding that, though the Swans may hold your hand, grind themselves provocatively against your nether regions on the dance floor, call you Darling, and say they love you, they know you’re a social climber, not a real date.
You, like everyone else, will want to have sex with your Swan. Do not sleep with your Swan.
Due to the fact that they are as lacking in self-esteem as the Turtles, when they are depressed or bored, they might even suggest an unnatural coupling. Resist. The surest way to lose your Swan is to sleep with him or her. Why? Because when you add sex to the equation, Swans will know that you, just like everybody else, want to use them.
TEST YOUR SOCIAL CLIMBING IQ
Even if you scored well enough on our psychological test to indicate that you have a personality ideally suited for Mountaineering, and are fortunate enough to already have met a Swan or a Turtle who is ready, willing, and able to take you somewhere you want to go, before you step out the door we have one final homework assignment for you to complete. The following test will help you determine what rung of the ladder you’re ready to reach for.
1. What’s the first thing you do when you get to a cocktail party where you don’t know anyone?
a) Ask your host to introduce you to someone who might want to sleep with you.
b) Pretend you see a friend across the room and wave to someone you don’t know.
c) Head to the bar and get bombed to make yourself feel less like a loser.
d) Introduce yourself to someone who is also being ignored.
2. When is it the “right time” to tell a Big Fish you find them sexually attractive?
a) When you can’t pay your rent.
b) After the Big Fish has given you a Ferrari.
c) Never.
d) As soon as the Big Fish tells you they are getting divorced.
3) What is the best way for a nobody to get into the hottest nightclub on the planet?
a) Borrow a couture outfit and offer the doorman/woman a hundred dollars.
b) Shave your head and say the Make-A-Wish Foundation put you on the guest list.
c) Claim you are bringing medication to a celebrity you saw enter previously.
d) Lurk in the gutter and look for underage wealthy Whale spawn and tell the doorman/woman you are their chaperone.
4) Which of the following will not help you make friends with celebrities?
a) A baby cheetah bite.
b) Make him/her paranoid by telling them that their other friends want them to get fat.
c) Knowledge of bowling.
d) Inviting them to your home.
5) Which of the following will help the social climbing golfer get into a WASP country club?
a) Being a scratch golfer and having $100 million.
b) Having a beautiful wife.
c) Looking as if he/she is constipated.
d) Using big words in an interview with the membership committee.
6) Which of the following do you need to know when flying on a private jet?
a) If you are caught bringing drugs on board the Whale’s plane, they will be confiscated.
b) Altitudes in excess of thirty thousand feet produce flatulence in miniature dogs.
c) If you are the last on board and the flight is full, you will be sitting on a well-upholstered toilet.
d) All of the above.
7) What should the social climber never do at a charity dinner?
a) Change the placemente when no one is looking.
b) Pay for his or her own ticket.
c) Give the false impression that he or she is on the benefit committee.
d) Eat other people’s lamb chops.
8) Skilled networkers should:
a) Replace their mentors as often as they update their software.
b) Always question the intelligence of a Big Fish who is eager to help them.
c) Not complain if asked to take their bosses’ urine samples to the lab.
d) All of the above.
9) When the yachting set uses the word “burgee,” they are referring to:
a) A guest who is sleeping with the yacht owner while on board.
b) A guest who likes to sleep with crew members.
c) A small flag that indicates which yacht club the owner is a member of.
d) The enclosed structure at the stern of the ship above the main deck.
10) What is the best way to ingratiate yourself with a wealthy family?
a) Make a good impression on their dogs.
b) Agree with them when they complain about their staff.
c) Volunteer to provide an alibi if one of them gets arrested.
d) Tell them you want to be adopted.
11) Friendship with which of the following will give a social climber the most status?
a) The CEO of a Fortune 500 company.
b) A supermodel with a reputation for promiscuity.
c) The maître d’ at the hottest restaurant in town.
d) The head of admissions at an Ivy League college.
12) When a social climber is a guest for the weekend, which of the following is socially unforgivable?
a) Clogging the powder room toilet and blaming it on the host’s/hostess’s child.
b) Double-faulting when playing doubles in tennis.
c) Forgetting to tip the maid.
d) Soiling the sheets with bodily fluids other than your own.
Answer Key: 1) b, 2) c, 3) d, 4) d, 5) c, 6) d, 7) b, 8) d, 9) c, 10) a, 11) d, 12) b
If you answered 0–3 questions correctly, face up to the fact that you need help and visit our website to arrange an online tutoring session.
If you answered 4–7 questions correctly, with a little work, you have the makings of a great climber.
If you answered 8–10 questions correctly, you are a natural Mountaineer, or live in New York City.
If you answered 11 or more questions correctly, you cheated. And we say good for you, because initiative is part of what makes a good social climber.
HOW TO GET MORE OUT OF A COCKTAIL PARTY THAN A HANGOVER
A shrewd social climber looks at a roomful of total strangers with drinks in their hands the way a prospector eyes a mother lode untouched by other gold diggers. Think of those strangers who more than likely will take no notice of your arrival not as people but as opportunities waiting to be mined—every one of them an unwitting accomplice in changing your life.
If you’re nervous, draw strength from the fact that as they size you up and judge you, you are doing the same to them.
EMPOWERING THOUGHT #9
In social climbing, as in life, the healthiest way to cope with an awkward feeling is to “flip it”—confidence comes to those who have mastered the art of projecting their own insecurities onto others.
Those unsuspecting strangers who are getting tipsy, oblivious to the knowledge that you are mastering the lessons of The Social Climber’s Bible—they are the ones who should be nervous, not you.
Cocktail parties were invented for social climbing.
Cocktail parties are the most cost-effective way for a host to entertain the largest possible number of people in a three- to four-hour time period. Some guests will be old friends of your host. Most will be what we call “obligations,” those your host has included as payback for being allowed to climb at their parties. Others, like yourself, fall into the acquaintance category.
For you, the cocktail party is an audition. Your host is trying you out, in WASP-speak, “sizing up the cut of your jib,” seeing if you bring enough to the table in terms of charm, flattery, ability to make scintillating conversation, witty repartee, and so forth for your host to invest more time in
you, that is, invite you to the five-course seated dinner he’s throwing next month to impress a big client, or make the new fiancée think his friend group is more fascinating than it really is.
Regardless of whether the guests you now have to face, the strangers who have crowded into a room to drink alcohol and exchange gossip without the benefit of adequate seating, are standing on wall-to-wall shag or spilling drinks and dropping finger food on eighteenth-century Aubusson carpets, no matter if this cocktail party (what the English refer to as a “drinks party”) takes place in a suburban backyard, the garden of a country estate, the terrace of an NYC penthouse, or around an infinity pool in LA, the same basic rules apply when it comes to the social climber’s getting the most out of the cocktail party experience.
For the virgin as well as the veteran social climber, it’s always a good idea to remind yourself before leaving home that you aren’t simply getting ready to go to a cocktail party, you’re preparing yourself to step onto the battlefield.
The most successful strategy at a drinks party combines elements of both trench warfare and the hit-and-run techniques of guerrilla fighting. Due to time and space limitations, your maneuvers at most cocktail skirmishes will be confined to a few rooms: living room, den or library, bar area (usually the dining room), and one or two bathrooms, which should be used only for strategic retreat, unless of course you are attending a cocktail party where drugs are being consumed.
The close quarters of a cocktail party can work to your advantage in stalking the Big Fish; it will enable you to rub shoulders without spooking them.
Be smart, be aggressive, and never give up until the bar closes.
Remember, all it takes is one conquest to change the course of the war you’re waging—to turn an evening of what seems like certain defeat into total victory.
If any or all of the above makes you more nervous, before leaving home have what one well-known social climber described to us as the “Lake Placid moment,” a chemical refuge of serenity and focus induced by a glass of Sancerre with a Xanax floater. In general, we strongly advise against “pregaming,” or starting the party too early; remember, you have a busy night ahead of you.
Cocktail Party Prep List
1. Before leaving home, google your host/hostess so you will know what they will brag about ahead of time.
2. Give yourself a once-over (especially important if you’ve had more than one Lake Placid moment while getting dressed).
3. Check to make sure there is no food in your teeth and that your fly is zipped, unless you are going to the kind of event where this is a good conversation starter.
4. If you intend to take off your underwear in the course of the evening, make sure that the pair that you are wearing does not contain holes and is not stained.
5. Never arrive at the cocktail party less than thirty minutes late (unless you are triply booked).
6. Leave your credit cards at home, so if invited to an impromptu dinner afterward with people you just met you will have a good reason not to pay your share of the bill.
7. Bring your cellphone so you can record the names of Big Fish you meet before you get too drunk to remember them.
When you arrive, never ring the bell or knock; it makes it seem as if you are unsure if you’re wanted. Take a deep breath before opening the door and repeat your mantra, “I CARE ENOUGH ABOUT ME NOT TO BELIEVE ANYTHING THEY SAY ABOUT ME IS TRUE IF I DON’T WANT IT TO BE. I WILL NOT BE JUDGED.”
Once inside, if in fact you do not know anyone other than your host, do not let your body language reveal you’re an outsider. Stand on tiptoes and look around as if you were trying to spot an old friend. Wave enthusiastically to a total stranger on the other side of the room to make it seem as if you know someone.
A variation of this same basic technique can also be used whenever you are stuck in a conversation with someone who cannot help you and you don’t know how to escape. Take a page from a well-known former nineties “It”-girl-turned-luxury-goods-garmento (who, to avoid litigation, we’ll simply refer to as Meme) who never goes to a party without her imaginary friend Hercules to come to her rescue. How can an imaginary friend help you? When Meme wants to get out of small talk that has no self-promotion potential, i.e., wants to be rude without seeming to be rude, she merely says, “Oh, there’s my friend Hercules. He doesn’t know anyone; you don’t mind if I look after him, do you?”
EMPOWERING THOUGHT #10
If you are worried that you are not as attractive as other guests, pause to focus on the one part of your body that is unique—a birthmark shaped like the Dominican Republic or a third nipple—as proof that you are special and beautiful.
Before proceeding any farther into the room, check to see if anyone you recognize from those AA meetings, memorial services, art gallery openings, and auctions where you placed bogus bids is present in the room.
If your host is still the only person you know, wait until he or she is talking to at least two interesting-looking people (expensively accessorized or so badly dressed they obviously have to be somebodies for your host not to have been offended by their attire) before interrupting to say hello. Always begin by announcing how fabulous they look and how much you miss and love them.
Never underestimate the value of kissing your hosts on all four of their cheeks.
And remember, when your host or hostess introduces you to these first two strangers (and when meeting anyone else for the first time), never, never say, “It’s a pleasure to meet you.” The graceful social climber always greets a stranger with: “So nice to see you again. . . .”
By giving the illusion that you have met before, you will be that much closer to actually having a genuine friendship. Getting into the strict habit of never acknowledging you haven’t met everyone and anyone will be invaluable in future years when you have more friends than you can keep track of. Why? Because it will also prevent you from falling into the embarrassing trap of saying “So nice to meet you” and being told by the offended party, “I’ve met you a dozen times,” or worse, “We slept together . . . twice.”
You now know not one but three people. Unless one of these first two people your host has just introduced you to is a major Big Fish, after ten minutes of your best small talk, excuse yourself to go to the bar. Your time is precious; do the math. There are seventy-five other people in the room; the party starts at six, runs to nine. Having arrived thirty minutes late, then spending ten minutes chatting up your host and your two new best friends, you have less than two and a half hours left to make a favorable impression on the remaining seventy-two guests. A word to the wise—even if your day job includes waiting on tables and even if the request is made by a major, major Big Fish, do not waste your time getting anyone a drink unless they are a potential Turtle or Swan. Besides the fact it will put you in a subservient role in any future relationship, your time at this ball is more limited than Cinderella’s.
Never walk directly to the bar.
In fact, take the longest route possible. You are not going to get a drink, you’re on a reconnaissance mission. If no one is talking to you, look busy. Check the messages on your cellphone, or study the negative space of a painting on the wall. While doing this, be on the lookout for groups clustered around single individuals who are holding court—take note of guests hanging on every word of somebody who isn’t saying anything very interesting, laughing at jokes that aren’t funny, particularly if the object of their attention is not physically attractive. The conclusion you should draw is obvious—whoever’s receiving this unwarranted fawning is a somebody, i.e., somebody you should want to get to know.
If you do not recognize this somebody from the homework you’ve done, loiter around the edge of the adoring throng long enough to catch the somebody’s name. If all you hear is, “Oh, Johnny, you’re such a scream!” and can’t pick up any clues as to who this Johnny is and what makes him such a scream, look for an older person to help you, ideally somebody who is confined to a wheelchai
r and is also being ignored. Never miss an opportunity to seem more empathetic than you are. Introduce yourself to the oldie, make just enough small talk about their ailments to cheer them up, then work the conversation round to the identity of the mysterious Johnny. Of course, don’t admit to the old person that you’re so uncool that you don’t know who this somebody is, simply say you cannot remember Johnny’s surname.
An equally good and generally undervalued source of information is the child of your host or hostess. If the child knows Johnny’s full name but neither of you know what makes him such a hot ticket, pass on the bar and get yourself and your iPhone directly to the powder room and google the name you’ve just been given.
Having found out who he is and what makes him a Big Fish, return to where Johnny is holding court and volunteer, “I thought your first [movie/play/novel/merger/ad campaign/class action suit/whatever] was beyond brilliant.” Remember to include enough details so they will actually believe you have been following their career for years.
EMPOWERING THOUGHT #11
Highly accomplished people never get tired of hearing how great they are, no matter what they tell their shrinks.
Do not waste time eating hors d’oeuvres, unless that somebody you’ve just googled is cracking wise over the canapés. Do not be so dazzled and distracted by obvious somebodies that you miss out on befriending the seemingly less impressive guests who are, in fact, hidden nuggets of gold. Remember: You are first and foremost a prospector. Experienced social climbers make every party their party by deliberately introducing themselves to every person at the party, just in case there’s what we call a “Sleeper” in the room.
People who look like they work at the Foot Locker often do in fact work as a shoe salesperson. But sometimes they also look that way because they own a global chain of shoe stores, and they just might find you such good company and so seemingly genuine for taking the time to befriend a nebbish such as themselves, that they just might invite you to the Gangnam-style grand opening of their new flagship store in Seoul, South Korea.
The Social Climber's Bible: A Book of Manners, Practical Tips, and Spiritual Advice forthe Upwardly Mobile Page 5