by Gini Koch
“It was all real. Someone needs to take me through your ship, fast. We have the rest of your fleet to try to save, and if I don’t get back to my ship, my people are going to do their best to kill all of yours.”
Wouldn’t have thought a sort of humanoid beetle could go pale, but this one managed it. “No,” it whispered. “Earth is bloodthirsty. The humans murder our kind every day.”
“Um, on my planet your kind tend to be the size of my thumb or smaller, and they aren’t sentient as you’d know it. However, the bloodthirsty part is right on. Take me through this ship, right now.”
It obliged and we scuttled off. Well, it scuttled—the Aicirtap could and did walk on their hind legs but apparently if speed was required they went on all sixes, or whatever they called it. Every Zapped Aicirtap we passed was coming out of their terrible nightmare. All seemed distressed, many were sobbing, and some were wailing.
Turned out to be a good thing I’d seen Alien and Aliens and any horror movie you wanted to name, because there were plenty of Unzapped Aicirtap. Zapped them all, even the couple that were hiding in the cargo bay. Algar did me a solid and put one of my favorite songs to fight to, “Electric Worry” by Clutch, on repeat. This time I was fairly sure it was only for my enjoyment, as opposed to warning me about dangerous electrical currents.
Once the ship was cleaned—and we’d waded back through Aicirtap who were falling on me, begging me to either tell them their collective nightmare wasn’t true or begging me to save the rest of their people—told the Zapped Spokes-Aicirtap to sit tight. “If weapons start firing, land on that planet.” Pointed to Mars. “I don’t think you can breathe there, but it’ll get you out of the fight and identify you as the ship where all the Aicirtap are back to normal.” I hoped.
“Wait,” it said. “What do I call you?”
“Kitty. What’s your name?”
“Ulzax. Are you a female or a male?”
“Female. You?”
“Female as well.”
“Great, then, girl to girl, this situation really isn’t your race’s fault, in that sense, but that’s not going to fly in a war crimes court. So, don’t fire on my ship but get ready to have to fire on your own, because if the rest of your fleet reaches Earth, everyone dies. And that includes all of you.”
She nodded. “We will do as you’ve said.”
“Great.” Considered what else to say. “I’ll be back.” Then I thought of Chuckie, because he was guaranteed to still be on the helicarrier, and hit my Beaming Bling.
Landed next to Chuckie right back in the helicarrier’s command center, just in time to hear Jeff bellowing about demanding to be allowed off the ship. My music turned off.
“Chillax your face. I’ve got it under control.”
Everyone stared at me. “Where the hell have you been?” Jeff asked, sounding freaked out and huffy. “None of us could leave. This equipment doesn’t work.”
“Oh, it works.” ACE, Jamie, Algar, and/or Naomi were just ensuring that it couldn’t work until I was back.
Everyone started talking. Put up the paw. Everyone, including Jeff, shut up. I had embraced the FLOTUS Power and now it was mine to use at will. Excellent.
“No arguing, no speaking, no complaining. Just listening and doing exactly what I say. The Aicirtap are salvageable. Change the setting on your guns to Devolve. We’re all going to pick specific ships, one of us to a ship. Then, once you’re there, zap any and all Aicirtap you see with the Devolution ray. I don’t want dead Aicirtap, I want living ones. Search every inch of the ship—I found plenty in the obvious places but more than enough in the not so obvious ones, too.”
“What the hell are you talking about?” Jeff asked.
“I get it,” Chuckie said excitedly. “Cliff’s ray works on the mind, and that’s what the Z’porrah’s uplift must have affected in the Aicirtap. The pituitary gland would affect size and strength, and messing with the mind can always affect the emotional centers. Did you actually devolve one?”
“No.” He looked disappointed. “I devolved the entire ship full of them.” Chuckie brightened back up. Turned back to the others. “And every one of them is distraught to hysterical over what’s happened and is happening. They are to be rescued, just like the rest of the aliens who came to Earth for help. They came to us for help, too. They just didn’t know it.”
“Where do we aim?” Jeff asked, Commander in Chief Voice on Full, all freaked-out husband gone and replaced by the guy who’d led his people against much worse monsters wearing only an Armani suit and a hell of a lot of leadership and authority.
“It takes a direct hit anywhere on the Aicirtap, but if you can hit the head it’s a faster return to normal for them. They have no memory of what they’ve done, by the way. Remembered as a nightmare. But since I told them the nightmares are real, they are, as I said earlier, pretty damn freaked out.”
“They’ve murdered millions of people,” Siler said. “You sure we should show them mercy?” Had a feeling I knew why he was asking.
I nodded. “Not all killers are evil. What they did was evil, but they aren’t. If we’re going to save the world, or the galaxy, or whatever, that means we have to try to save all of it. Even the parts we don’t like, are afraid of, or have hurt us. We have to save it all. Or we’re no better than the Z’porrah. Or what the majority of the Aicirtap are right now.”
“And no better than Cliff or LaRue or Reid,” Chuckie said quietly.
“Exactly. Secret Agent Man, you have to stay here in case one of us gets into trouble. My first ship was easy, relatively speaking, but there’s no guarantee the others will be. And there are a lot of others. I took the lead ship, but we’re spoilt for choice for where we go next.”
“Count off,” Jeff said, as he changed his gun’s setting. Everyone else followed suit. “We’ll be going from left to right, avoiding the lead ship. You count one, you choose the leftmost ship. Two, the one directly to the first one’s right. And so on. Shoot to kill if that’s your only option to survive. Otherwise, as Kitty said, shoot to save.”
“Once you’ve cleaned your ship, return to Chuckie, and seriously, think of him because it’ll land you right back here, versus on the controls the flyboys are using to keep us all safe. The flyboys will be able to tell you what ships are cleared. Pick the next one, moving right from the last where one of us went, lather, rinse, and repeat. If you’re at the end, start from the leftmost side of the next line.”
“Can we get the cleaned ships to move?” Gower asked. “If only to make it easier.”
“Possibly. I suggested that the lead ship head for Mars, but only if things went bad, mostly because I didn’t want their breaking ranks to cause the rest of the fleet to attack. So, um, as with most things, play that one by ear.”
Gower grinned at me. “Or, as we call it, routine.”
CHAPTER 97
“ANY OTHER QUESTIONS?” Jeff asked. There were none. “Everyone ready?” Everyone nodded.
“One,” White said. He put his hand on his Beaming Bling and disappeared.
“Glad that’s working again,” Jeff said. “Next.”
“Two.” Siler went next. Then Maurer, Butler, Rahmi, Rhee, and Gower.
Lorraine kissed Joe. “Eight.”
“Nine,” Claudia said after she kissed Randy.
Jerry took off his helmet, got up, grabbed Abigail, and planted a kiss worthy of a sailor returning from WWII on her. “Kick ass and come home safely,” he said when he ended their kiss.
“You know it, Studly.” She winked at me. “Don’t tell my brother that’s his nickname. I think Paul still thinks I’m a virgin. Ten.”
“You’re up,” I said to Jeff. “Shoot fast, move faster.”
He kissed me. “Always do.” He grinned at me, giving me a great shot of his Jungle Cat About To Eat Me Look. “Other than in bed. Eleven.” Then he was gon
e.
Turned to Chuckie. “Someone needs to reach Wruck and let him know what we’re doing. That’s probably going to be you via Alfred.”
He nodded. “I’m really proud of you, Kitty.”
“Thanks. Always proud of you, too.”
“Want to know where Hoffa’s buried?”
Considered this. “Wait until I’m back.”
“Why?”
Grinned at him. “Incentive.” Looked at my next ship. “Twelve.”
Once again, I was in the middle of a bunch of Aicirtap, and this time, Algar gave me a different fight song favorite—Tina Turner’s “Steel Claw.”
This ship was much like the first. Did my circular zapping technique first, then branched out. Got the first Zapped Aicirtap to take me through the ship. Zapped all available options. Gave some instructions, went back to Chuckie.
Everyone was on their second ship by the time I was back. Not a problem. It was a race, but the faster we went, the faster we all won.
My third ship was like my first two, and by now what I was doing felt routine. Didn’t mean I was any less alert—the Unzapped Aicirtap remained a terrifying reality—but it did mean I felt more comfortable doing it.
Returned to the helicarrier. “The androids are on their sixth ship each,” Chuckie said. “We’ve managed to get through to Wruck. The Ancients are still coming, just in case.”
“Wise.” Noted that a good portion of the Aicirtap fleet were heading down to Mars, the lead ship, or what I was pretty sure was the lead ship, included. “Are we sure that all those ships are cleansed?”
Chuckie did a fast count. “Yes, they tally correctly.”
“Super.” Chose my next ship, and went to it. My music changed to Iron Maiden’s “Be Quick Or Be Dead.”
Which, shocker, was prophetic. The people in here were aware that something was wrong, since the other ships were breaking ranks. So when I appeared, they weren’t so much surprised as given a convenient target.
Zapped plenty of them, but I wasn’t able to get the full radius around me hit. Which meant I had no breathing room.
Also meant I had to scramble and run, because there were a lot of the Unzapped and I was having trouble clearing the area.
Bent low and ran fast, zapping as I could. Fortunately, all these ships were alike and I’d just gone through three of them from top to bottom. Headed for the cargo hold, running as fast as I could, which was necessary. I had a lot of the Unzapped Masses after me.
Found what I was looking for—a small, high ledge that was difficult to access if you were a gigantic bug. I was going so fast I was able to run up the side of the wall and leap onto this ledge. Shoved in as far back, as hard, and as firmly braced as possible. Then started firing.
The good news was that I was in a sniper’s position and the easiest things to hit were the Aicirtap’s heads. The bad news was it looked like the entire crew was shoving into the cargo hold. And some of them in the back were standing on another’s shoulders.
Which meant I had to fire at those in the back now, instead of those nearer to the middle. “Steel Claw” came back on, and it definitely was getting a double in both keeping me revved and reminding me of what I was going to face if I didn’t hit every one of these people as fast as possible.
The ones in the back and middle started shoving forward, and I got a good shot of what ravenous hordes really looked like. And, as the Aicirtap in the front devolved, those who were now in full bloodlust ripped them apart.
I was seeing exactly what the Aicirtap could do in this “evolved” state, and it was beyond horrifying. And, oh joy, if they were in bloodlust, they needed more hits to devolve. Either that or my gun wasn’t working anymore. Or both. Gave it even odds for both.
Was about to give up and change my setting from Devolve to Dust when I heard a sound. It was loud and sounded like a combination of roaring and growling, somehow deep and high-pitched at the same time.
It had an effect on the Unzapped Aicirtap. They turned away from me and toward the sound. The effect on the Zapped was quite different. They were crying in terror and trying to get as far to the back of the cargo hold as possible.
Took the opportunity and zapped the backs of the Unzapped. Got almost all of them. There were only three left—all the others were either doing the confused devolve headshake or scrambling toward me in terror—and no matter what I did, these three were all moving just before I pulled the trigger, meaning I was missing them. But the walls around the cargo hold were sure going to be stupid later. If we all got a later.
Something came into the cargo hold. It was a creature of nightmare, but not a Cleophese, in part because it was too small and in other part because it was less Cthulhu and a lot more Cujo crossed with Freddy Kruger, as siphoned through all the ravens in the universe. And it was twice as large as the Unzapped Aicirtap.
Whatever it was, it grabbed an Unzapped Aicirtap in either, well, chose to charitably call them hands. Maybe claws. Maybe beaks. It was hard to tell.
It slammed the two Aicirtap together and knocked their heads hard enough that they looked unconscious. Then it threw them in the air, toward me.
Shot both of them in the head with the laser, gun still set on Devolve. They landed just shy of me, on top of a bunch of the still-living Zapped, who promptly scattered out from under, though none of them were making a move toward the door, where the Creature was.
The last Unzapped Aicirtap was a fighter. Chose to think of it as a she, mostly because, so far, I’d only talked to Aicirtap females. She was all claws and fangs and fury, and if she’d been on my side I would have been excited, because the Creature didn’t look like it was on anyone’s side.
Had no idea of what to do. I could try to devolve the creature and the Aicirtap both, I could try to kill them both, or I could zap out of here and have the flyboys shoot it out of existence. None of these options seemed right, but I was going to run out of time, and the moment the Creature saw me, it might decide that the Aicirtap wasn’t nearly as interesting or tasty. Because it was clear that a creature like this probably considered the Aicirtap food. The Zapped’s reactions certainly said this was the case.
The Marine saying, “Kill ’em all and let God sort it out,” crept up and waved at me. Devolution seemed the best choice, but if I devolved the Aicirtap before the Creature, then the Aicirtap was toast. And I had no idea what hitting the Creature with the ray would do.
My finger was on the switch, to flip it from Devolve to Dust when my music changed. Bruce Springsteen’s “Brilliant Disguise” came on.
Took a deep breath, aimed, and fired.
CHAPTER 98
MY SHOT WAS PERFECT, hitting the Aicirtap right in the back of the head. As soon as the shot hit, the Creature let the Aicirtap drop to the floor. Then it headed for me.
Put my gun down.
The Creature looked sort of liquidy now. It turned into Wruck by the middle of the cargo bay. He smiled at me. “Thank you for not shooting me.”
“Great disguise, dude. You scared the crap out of all of us.”
“That was the idea. Jeff said that you were having problems. I told him I would take care of you. Transforming into the Aicirtap’s most terrifying predator seemed the right choice.”
“I do not want to visit their home world.”
“I’m sure.” He looked around and his expression was sad. “They killed their own people.”
“Only because they were alerted by the ships moving out of formation. That was a bad choice, I guess.”
“Per Paul, not yours. Everyone is having more difficulties with their last ships. I would like to request that the rest of you allow me, John Butler, and Cameron Maurer to complete the rest. It will go faster and, hopefully, with less bloodshed.”
“You do not need to ask me twice.” Jumped down. Naturally, because someone I’d like to impress was
here, I slipped on Aicirtap blood and went down on my butt.
Two of them helped me up. Now that they weren’t scary, their hands weren’t razor-sharp pincers. They were just hands. I mean, hands that were pincers and all that jazz, but still, hands. And the Aicirtap were just people. People who looked like giant beetles, sure, but still, just people.
“Thank you,” one of the ones who helped me up said.
“You’re welcome.” Really, there wasn’t anything else to say.
Though, of course, as we moved through the ship, it was the usual comforting and sharing of the reality. For this ship, and presumably some of the others, the horror was compounded, though, as many realized they’d killed their own loved ones.
“The Z’porrah have a hell of a lot to answer for,” I said to Wruck, as we reached the command area.
“They do. I would consider them the Founding Members of the Mad Scientists Club.”
Snorted a laugh. “Dude, I can’t tell you how glad I am I didn’t hit you with the devolution ray.”
“I’m glad, too.” He sighed. “We Anciannas are also Founding Members. That’s the problem when you’re old and extremely evolved as a race—the urge to meddle is almost impossible to ignore.”
Thought about Algar, about all the Black Hole Universe People. And the superconciousnesses out there. Some wanted total free will, some wanted constant meddling. “It’s just like our religions. There’s really no one right answer.” Thought some more. “Unless it’s just the Golden Rule.” My music changed to ABBA’s “People Need Love.”
“Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Yes, I believe that is the one truth that actually matters.”
“Then let’s get this problem solved and start spreading that message to the rest of the galaxy. I’m sure some know it and live by it already, and I’m equally sure some have forgotten it.”
He chuckled. “I see you have some missionary in you, as well.”
“I get that from my dad.”