Never

by Lulu Pratt

  Chapter Six

  Lara

  I’m in bed, and in spite of the long bath, my legs still feel heavy and sore, my arms a little achy, but I can’t fall asleep no matter how I try. I’m just too restless. I turn over onto my side and try to not think about Ethan, only a few doors down the hall away from me.

  I wanted, and want, nothing at all to do with Ethan. My sister’s request in her will means that if I honor it, which seems like the best decision for everyone, I’ll have to talk to Ethan, and be involved in his life on at least a weekly basis, if not more often than that.

  I finally figure that there’s no way I’m going to get to sleep any time soon, and decide that it would be better to just go downstairs to the living room and maybe read or watch TV for a little bit, until my mind is a bit more at ease.

  I get out of the bed and pad out of my room, listening hard to make sure that I’m the only one awake in the house. I can’t hear Dad, or Riley, and by now I assume that Ethan has gone to sleep with his daughter, so I should be in the clear. I have no idea what books Dad still has hanging around, but there should be something worth reading.

  But as I get to the bottom of the stairs, I see light coming from the living room and sigh to myself. Dad must have left the lamp on, I think as I reach the end of the stairs. Of course, I remind myself quickly, that just means that it’s more convenient for me to read something, and there’s no risk of running into the coffee table or anything like that.

  Instead, I see Ethan sitting in the living room, looking at something on his phone. I consider retreating back up the stairs, pretending nothing happened, and maybe taking another bath in the hopes that the second one will make me fall asleep. Ethan looks up from his phone and that option evaporates.

  “Hey,” I say quietly.

  “Oh, hey,” Ethan says. “I didn’t wake you up coming down here, did I?”

  I shake my head. “No, I just couldn’t sleep,” I admit. I sit down on the couch and immediately feel uncomfortable.

  “Yeah, same,” Ethan tells me. I look at him and notice how the past week has changed him. Ethan is a tall muscular guy with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. He usually had a smile on his face, but after what he’s been through, I can tell that he is carrying the weight of everyone and everything on his shoulders.

  “It’s gotta be hard, after…” I press my lips together.

  “I’m just used to her being there, you know?”

  I nod at Ethan’s statement because just the thought of it makes me want to cry. I’m not even sure anymore if I’m more upset for him, and Riley, or at the fact that I’m having to relive some of the worst moments of my life, of when I found out that Ethan and Alexis had hooked up.

  “Riley’s sleeping okay?”

  Ethan picks up a baby monitor and waggles it with a wry smile. “How are you holding up, Lara?”

  I think about it for a moment and don’t really know what to say. “I’m… okay, I guess,” I say finally, a little touched that he asks after me considering that his entire world has just been rocked and nothing will ever be the same.

  I look around the living room and all I can think of is the day I found out that Alexis had seeing Ethan. I’d come home after getting my degree, and right there in the living room, Alexis and Ethan had been just talking, my sister with my ex-boyfriend on the couch. That was how I found out. No one had seen fit to tell me beforehand.

  I found out shortly afterwards that she was pregnant. I never asked, but I was under the impression that it happened very early on their relationship and might not have been planned. By that point, I was not talking to Alexis and or my parents, so I never asked, and it was too painful to bring up. I now realize that, for my parents, their daughter was pregnant and unmarried at the time, and she needed her parents’ support.

  A few weeks after learning that Alexis was expecting Ethan’s child, I was invited to their wedding. A small affair that I refused to go to. My parents were furious with me, but I felt betrayed and embarrassed. The rift that had started with Alexis and Ethan dating, and then the pregnancy, grew into an estrangement with the marriage. The only reason I got back in touch with my parents was when my mother told me she was ill and likely not to live to see her granddaughter’s first birthday.

  I take a deep breath, this is obviously not the time to rehash any of that. It’s not worth it, even if I had wanted to talk to Ethan about how betrayed I’d felt, how hurt.

  “It’s a good thing we don’t live that far apart,” Ethan says quietly, and I shrug. As soon as I could, I’d found a place to live in the next town over, closer to where I work, and when Ethan and Alexis had gotten married, they’d gotten a place the next town over in the other direction. I’d known about that, but I’d never visited them. In fact, from the time I’d found out about them dating, and Alexis and I had our massive fight over it, I’d stayed away from even my parents’ house.

  “It’ll make it easier for Riley,” I agree, for the sake of agreeing. Ethan’s going through enough right now, and even if I don’t know if I can ever really forgive him, I don’t really have any cause to make things worse.

  “There are just so many things… I can’t even imagine what it will be like, being a single father,” Ethan says, and there’s a sound in his voice like his throat is closing up.

  “Yeah,” I say. I close my eyes for a moment, trying to push any thought of what history Ethan and I have out of my mind. If I’m going to do what my sister wanted, if I’m going to help raise her daughter, I’ll have to forget that there was ever anything between Ethan and me at all.

  “I shouldn’t be unloading on you,” Ethan says, and I open my eyes. I can’t help but laugh a little.

  “You’re the one who lost a wife,” I point out.

  “You lost a sister,” Ethan counters.

  I shrug. I don’t want to talk about all the complicated feelings that come along with Alexis being dead. “I was just going to grab a book and read for a while since I can’t fall asleep,” I say, and stand up to go to the bookshelf along the wall.

  “Yeah, I should probably figure out something to do that won’t wake up Riley,” Ethan says. He looks down at his phone and I can feel the tension between us, but there’s nothing I can do about it.

  Chapter Seven

  Ethan

  The next morning, after I finally manage to get some sleep, I bring Riley downstairs after changing her diaper and getting her dressed and her hair neatened up a bit. Lara is in the kitchen, already working on breakfast. My fatherin-law is at the kitchen table, staring blankly at the paper. I am suddenly reminded that he has lost his wife and daughter within a year of each other. We are all damaged from this course of events.

  Riley mumbles into my neck about being hungry as we come in.

  “Hey, Riley-baby!” Lara looks wide awake at first, but at the same time, I can tell she hasn’t slept any better than I have. “I’m almost done cooking up some breakfast, but you can have some fruit to start if your daddy says it’s okay.”

  “I’ll do that. You are already making breakfast,” I say, getting Riley into her high chair as quickly as I can.

  Nathan looks up from the paper and takes a sip of his coffee. I’m just as glad he doesn’t appear to be in a chatting mood. He also looks like he hasn’t slept much either.

  I grab a bowl from the cupboard and get a few pieces of fruit for Riley out of the fridge. Fortunately, at eighteen months, she’s just about fully weaned off formula, so I don’t have to worry about anything too messy, other than the possibility of my daughter smashing and smearing fruit all over her face.

  I grab a mug from the cupboard and pour myself a cup.

  Lara notices and says, “Milk and sugar are on the table if you want either.”

  “Thanks.” I learned to take my coffee black about a year ago.

  I watch Riley play with and eat her fruit, exclaiming in little excited squeals over each piece before bringing it to her mouth.

  I sip my
coffee and listen to the silence of the adults in the kitchen.

  Lara is making eggs and bacon, but I can smell pancakes too, even if I can’t see them. They must be in the oven.

  By the time I’m halfway through my coffee, Lara’s putting breakfast on the table. It’s so much like being back home with Alexis that for a second I feel absolutely at ease, and then I remember that my wife is dead, leaving me and our daughter behind, and it feels like something in my chest is crumbling in the most painful way possible. I sit there numb for a moment and will myself not to break in front of my in-laws.

  Lara brings over the rest of the food and we start piling up our plates. Although I miss Alexis, my appetite has not been affected this morning.

  “We should go to the park today,” Nathan comments.

  I give Riley some eggs, a piece of bacon, and start cutting up a pancake for her.

  “Sounds good,” Lara says.

  “It’ll be good to give her some time to play around a bit outside,” I agree. Of course, taking Riley out to the park will also get all of us out of the house, and I can’t help feeling like the whole place is haunted and too tense.

  Riley eats some of her bacon, and I keep an eye on her while trying to get some of my own food into my mouth. It’s going to be a weird few days, I think. I’m not even sure why I even agreed to this whole idea, except that Nathan was so set on it.

  “We need to figure out what kind of schedule we’re going to go with for next week,” Lara says, barely looking up from her plate.

  “Didn’t we already come up with something? I don’t remember.” My lack of sleep is starting to catch up with me.

  “I just want to have an idea of how much time off to ask for, or what days to ask to work-from-home,” Lara tells us.

  “Right, right. Sorry,” I say, shaking my head. I drink down another quarter of my coffee.

  I realize that the meal I am eating is in many ways the same one that Alexis might have made at home. The scrambled eggs taste the same and the bacon is undercooked, the way that Alexis liked it. In some ways Lara is so much like Alexis that it’s hard for me to even think straight. However, as they were raised in the same house, they ate the same food. They are sisters. But at the same time, Lara is totally different, and I can remember exactly how different the two sisters are.

  “Ethan?”

  I suddenly snap forward to the present and realize that Lara is talking to me.

  “I don’t remember what it is you do for a living,” Lara points out. I grin at her as best as I can. Of course she doesn’t remember. When she came home from getting her degree and found out I was with her sister, she didn’t even take any time to catch up with either of us. And then when Alexis and I announced we were going to be parents she shut us out even more, even going so far as to almost shut her own parents out for supporting us.

  “I’m an electrician,” I say.

  Lara’s eyes widen at that news, and I remember, vividly, the fight we’d had before we broke up. She was all set to go for her degree, setting the course for her life for the next four years, and I’d finally admitted to her that I hadn’t even applied to any schools like I’d said I would.

  I hadn’t even gone for any kind of real job until Alexis had told me she was pregnant. I’d just worked temp jobs, doing stuff like construction labor and event cleanup, things like that. The fact that we were about to have a baby made me realize I needed something more permanent, and a job that would give me benefits.

  “That’s really… that’s awesome,” Lara says, smiling tightly as she tries to cover for how surprised she is that I’ve amounted to anything at all.

  “By now I can shift around my schedule a bit,” I tell her, thinking about it a little bit. I’ve got enough time at the company that I can request a schedule change, but it won’t be enough to cover all the time Riley’s going to need, especially until she’s in school. She’s still too young really for daycare, at least as far as I’m concerned, and as far as Alexis was concerned.

  “I’ll be able to come up with something like a schedule this weekend,” Lara says. She puts her plate aside and starts helping Riley, and I feel that aching pull in my chest again. She’s so good with my daughter, and I can’t help the fact that I’m torn between being relieved that Lara’s willing to go along with Alexis’ idea, and wishing that she was still here and we didn’t have to go through with this contingency plan.

  Although my marriage was not a perfect one, Alexis was a good mother.

  Chapter Eight

  Lara

  Dad and I are waiting for Ethan to come back to the house, and I feel weirdly nervous. He took Riley to lunch with his parents while Dad and I hung out at home. In spite of the fact that Mom’s been dead for almost a year, there are still things that need to be taken care of, and I figured it would be as good a chance as I was going to get to attend to them before I had to go back home.

  “I still don’t like this,” Dad says from the couch as I’m going over some more paperwork from Mom’s estate. I sigh. I’ve been waiting for this the whole time that Ethan, Riley and I have been in the house.

  “It’s what Alexis wanted,” I counter. I put aside the paperwork because I know Dad isn’t going to let this rest, not without actually hashing it out again.

  “Your mother’s biggest regret was that her daughters stopped speaking to each other,” Dad says.

  “That’s not the point, Dad, and you know it,” I tell him firmly.

  “The first time you met Riley, I knew there was a bond between the two of you, and you… you should already have a child. That child should be your daughter.”

  I stare at my father in absolute shock. I shake my head. The fact that Dad could say something like this is beyond me, even if I know that it’s mostly because he’s just totally destroyed by grief.

  “What are you saying?” I cross my arms, feeling weirdly defensive of a sister who a few weeks ago was not a part of my life.

  “You and Alexis both deserve, deserved… you both should have been happy. With men who could really take care of you, not some irresponsible jerk who would tear you apart,” Dad says.

  “Talking about what we should have had, how things should be, doesn’t change how they actually are,” I point out.

  “But Ethan shouldn’t win,” Dad insists.

  I close my eyes. Obviously Dad can’t see that there’s no one in this situation who has won anything. The grief of losing Mom, and now my father has to deal with his elder daughter dying, too. I can’t really blame him for how extreme his anger is, but it’s going to make everything that much worse.

  “He’s not winning. Nobody is winning,” I tell him. Dad scowls at me and I can see the shift in his mind. Suddenly I’m not just a hesitant participant in whatever conspiracy he’s trying to make happen, but instead I’m someone who might be an enemy. It hurts my heart even more than Alexis’ death to think of my dad looking at me like an enemy.

  “Lara, are you trying to get something started with him? Do you actually feel bad for him? You cut your sister out of your life, and avoided even being a part of this family at all for years, and now that he’s single…”

  “You can hold it right there, Dad,” I say quickly, swallowing the instinctive anger I feel at his accusations.

  “What?” Dad’s scowl deepens, and I can only shake my head.

  “I’m not interested in having anything to do with Ethan. I haven’t forgiven him, and I don’t know if I ever will,” I explain.

  “So why are you taking his side?”

  I sigh. “I’m on Riley’s side. I want what’s best for her, I love her. She’s my niece, and she’s a beautiful baby girl, and you should want what’s best for her too,” I tell my father firmly.

  “I do, and it would be best for you to have full custody of her,” Dad says stubbornly.

  “No, it wouldn’t. She’s Ethan’s baby as much as she was Alexis’ baby, and he’s never done anything to harm her,” I point out.
<
br />   “He wrecked the car,” Dad counters. I’m torn between wishing that Ethan would just show up so that Dad will stop talking and knowing that we have to actually have this out.

  “It was an accident. It was a miracle that any of them came out of it alive, and the fact that Riley lived is the most important thing. I know you’re hurting, Dad, but this is what Alexis wanted.”

  Dad stops arguing, and I know he’s still stewing but I can’t bring myself to poke and prod, to make him finally explode so that this can just be over. After maybe fifteen minutes, I hear a car driving up to the house, and I hope that it’s Ethan, in spite of how awkward that will be.

  He comes in with Riley in his arms, all smiles. Dad picks up the paperwork I was looking at and retreats into it, and I wonder how we’re all going to get through the next day in the house together before I have to go back home.

  “How are your parents?” I ask.

  He sets Riley down on a blanket on the floor and pulls her toy box over, but lets her work out how to open it on her own.

  “They’re doing okay,” Ethan says, taking a seat.

  “Mama here?” Riley looks up at me, and my heart feels like it’s being crushed.

  “No, sweetie,” I say.

  “Where Mama?” Riley frowns, and I try to think of a way to explain to a baby, barely eighteen months old, that her mother is never coming back.

  “Mama’s gone, baby,” Ethan says, and I can hear the pain and resignation in his voice.

  “Want cookie,” Riley says.

  “I think there are still some of the cookies Mrs. Tierney left,” Dad says, and he gets up to leave the room so fast that I’m sure even Ethan knows we were talking about him while he was gone.

  “My parents can take her in the first part of the week,” Ethan tells me, and I nod.

  “I’ll have a better idea of what I can manage tomorrow night after work,” I say. Everything feels so stilted between us, but I can’t think of a way to make it any different. I can’t even think of why I should want it to be more relaxed, except for the fact that Riley is bound to notice, and with her mother gone there’s going to be a lot of tension that a baby shouldn’t have to deal with.