by K. G. Reuss
I let out a gasp of surprise as he dipped me suddenly, our bodies lining up with one another’s. My arms were around his neck tightly, our eyes locked. I thought he was going to kiss me. The thought made me blush. Again. Part of me wanted him to, but I also knew it was a terrible idea. It would hurt Lance. He was the one my kisses were meant for. And at some point, I was going to have to give them to him. My nerves were shot. I’d been stressing about it for far too long. I felt pressured, even though Lance swore we’d go slow. But with Brax looking at me the way he was, I wasn’t so sure I’d have pushed him away or said no. And that had to mean something.
Yeah, that I needed to get a grip! I had Lance!
“You’re an amazing dancer,” I managed to say.
“You’re not so bad yourself, angel,” he murmured back. “In fact, if I had my way, I’d dance with you all night.”
I gave him a shy smile, the words tumbling from my mouth before I could stop them, “Me too.”
“How are you and Lance?”
“Good.”
“And the pull? The butterflies? Are they there?”
“They will be. Someday.” I looked away from him and saw Lance standing in the crowd, watching us. He looked sad. Upset. Our eyes locked for a moment before Brax spun me around so that my back was to Lance.
“Why do you do it? What if they never come, sweetheart?” Brax pressed.
“Because I do care for him. And he’s all I have.” I looked into his pretty blue eyes, “And they will come. The person I’m supposed to be with cares for me. Takes care of me. That’s Lance. It’s always been him. So, it’s only natural—”
“There’s nothing natural about waiting for the pull, Maggie. It’s either there, or it’s not. It doesn’t develop. It doesn’t grow. It is what it is. Maybe you need to start thinking about that a little more.”
I sighed, knowing he was right but hating to admit it. “I do think about it. But at the end of the day, without him, I’m alone. And we’re best friends. And I care for him. I have faith that the butterflies will come. Without my faith, I have nothing, not even him, so I accept what is.”
“That’s not what is though, Mags,” Brax said desperately, his eyes sweeping over my face. “You have others there for you.”
“Who?” I asked. “Zach? Andrew? Jess? They’ll all move on. I’ll be alone. And that’s not necessarily a bad thing, but Lance won’t. He’ll be with me. I know he will. I just…” What? I had no idea. A tear slipped out, and I drew in a deep breathe hoping to calm myself. Everyone had started dancing around us, and the spotlight was gone. Thank Heaven.
“It’s just what?” Brax murmured, thumbing away the tears.
“I’m afraid,” I choked out.
“Of what?”
“Of being alone. Of hurting. Of losing myself. I want so many things out of life, but I don’t think they’re meant to happen for me.”
“Like what?” he asked, his brows furrowed.
“Anything. Everything.” I swallowed hard, my throat aching with sadness. I felt so broken. The sudden feeling like I wasn’t meant for the world hit me, blanketing me, making me shake in Brax’s arms. His hold tightened as we danced through another song.
And when that song ended, Lance was there, ready to take me. Just like it was supposed to be.
Chapter 45
The next week wasn’t bad. Brax still clouded my thoughts, but overall, everything was a lot better than it had been. Alan had been working more, so he wasn’t home as much. Corbin still visited every now and then, teasing me about Brax and Lance. I’d learned that laughing at his jokes typically made him quiet down about the subject matters.
The night before the next game, Lance was in my room with me. He’d texted me earlier and said he wanted to talk. He’d been acting odd since the dance. Maybe he was still upset over me and Corbin. He’d been oddly short with me a few times, but I’d let it go, not wanting to fight with him.
“Where’s your mom?” Lance asked, sitting beside me on the bed.
“Out. Probably at a bar with Lydia, her friend from AA,” I replied.
“Oh! She’s getting help?” Lance’s brows shot up in surprise.
“So she says, but Lydia isn’t her sponsor. She’s another alcoholic. I’m pretty sure they’re down at the bar drinking their weight in alcohol.”
“Sorry to hear that.” Lance winced, giving me a sad look. “But at least Alan isn’t here, right?”
“Right. Silver lining, I guess,” I muttered.
“So, I wanted to talk to you about Brax.” Lance cleared his throat after a moment of silence.
“What about?” I asked delicately.
“You guys at the dance… You looked… cozy.”
“OK…” I swallowed hard. I had been cozy. I imagined it didn’t look good from any perspective.
“It’s just, I know you think he’s not a bad guy. And maybe he’s not, at least not with you around, but I still want you to be careful with him. He could be dangerous.”
“He just needs someone to care about him,” I whispered. “I don’t think anyone does. I think I could save him from his demons.”
“Maggie, he’s…” Lance’s voice dropped off, and he growled instead. “Look, just watch yourself a bit more. With both Shepherd and Black. Maybe Black more than Shepherd. They both want you.”
“Corbin does not want me.” I snorted loudly. “You may not like it, but he’s my friend. I don’t think he’s as bad as you think. I don’t think Brax is either. You just need to have a little more faith in people, Lance.”
“Maggie, I have faith in you. I know your heart. I know you’re sweet and want to see the best in people. But baby, some people are rotten to the core. I think Corbin is one of them.”
“And Brax?” I challenged, hoping with every ounce of my being that he believed in him as much as I did.
“I think there may be a glimmer of hope there,” Lance admitted. “But I still want you to be careful. Don’t trust everyone just because they smile at you. I know the attention feels good—”
“Do you think I just like the attention?” I frowned at him.
“I think you need to be loved, Maggie. It’s human to want love.”
“I see,” I said tightly.
“Don’t be mad,” he sighed. “Just…let’s just watch a movie or something. OK?”
“Sure,” I replied shortly, clearing my throat.
That seemed to satisfy him because he grabbed my remote, turned the tv on, and flopped back in my bed, pulling me back with him. I lay in his arms, wondering if he was right. Did I just want love?
Maybe. I hadn’t felt it since my dad was around. Maybe I missed it.
Or maybe I never knew what it was because even he had left me.
Chapter 46
I had to make a move. All night I’d thought about me and Lance, while fighting off my growing feelings for Brax. And Corbin’s words kept echoing through my mind.
I’d read once that sometimes people didn’t know how they really felt until they said the words aloud. Maybe if I just told Lance that I loved him things would change. He’d sweep me up into his arms, and we’d kiss with wild abandon. The pull would take effect, tugging me to him, making us unbreakable.
He deserved my loyalty, because I knew I had his. And I cared deeply for him. I trusted him with everything I was. He’d been there to take me away when Alan was too much. He listened when I was sad. He was always concerned for me.
So, I decided I’d say the words to him. When Lance took me out before the game, I gave myself a pep talk. It was time to tell him. Things would get better. His bad mood since the dance would wash away. I’d make him happy. I’d make me happy.
“What’s wrong?” I asked, watching as a muscle thrummed along his jaw.
“Nothing,” he grumbled. “Why would anything be wrong?”
“I don’t know. You’re quieter than usual,” I replied.
“And I can’t be quiet? Just because I’m not saying mu
ch doesn’t mean there’s something wrong, Maggie.” He sighed, rubbing his eyes, a scowl on his lips. “Can you just hurry up and eat? Some of us have things to do today.”
I looked at him, feeling hurt. He’d been so moody lately!
“Lance, if I did something wrong—”
“Maggie, come on. What do you mean if?”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“I don’t know… Are you done? We need to leave.”
“Yes,” I whispered, my eyes burning with tears as I looked at him. A pained expression crossed his face for a moment before it disappeared. I got up and walked with him outside. He usually held my hand. I reached out for him and took his hand. He didn’t even try to twine his fingers with mine.
“Lance?” I asked timidly.
“What?”
“Um, I know we haven’t done anything, but I wanted you to know that the time we’ve spent together has really helped me. It’s been nice to get out of the house and away from Alan.” I wanted to kick myself. That hadn’t come out the way I’d wanted!
“Yeah,” he said in a clipped and uninterested manner.
“Yeah,” I continued, wondering how I was going to say it just right so he’d understand how much I felt for him. “I-I just wanted you to know that… I-I love you for that.”
Damn! That was wrong. I loved him more than the actions!
“Then why haven’t you put out, Maggie? Why won’t you even let me kiss you? Everything has to be on top of the clothes and not on the lips with you. I mean, come on! What kind of relationship do we even have?” He’d stopped and turned to me, his eyes flashing with a mixture of hurt and anger. I flinched, my heart breaking.
“I-I don’t know,” I answered, my throat tight, all of my fears on the subject banging painfully into my chest.
“Put out tonight. Or kiss me. Something. Anything! Prove you love me,” he said, his words a low hiss.
“Lance, you know I don’t want that.” I frowned, upset that he was acting that way. He never treated me like that! “I want us to take things slow. I-I feel like I’m starting to lose you—”
“Then fix it,” he snapped at me, dropping my hand and stalking away. “I’m tired of playing these games.”
I stared after him, my eyes burning with tears. He looked back at me as he got to his car.
“Come on. I don’t have all day!”
I scurried forward and got inside, making sure my seatbelt was on. He revved the engine and sped out of the parking lot.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered. He didn’t say anything. Squeezing my eyes closed and holding back the dam that was close to bursting, I sat in silence, wondering what I could do to salvage our failing relationship. He’d told me what I had to do. Was I ready and willing?
He parked in my driveway and stared straight ahead. Unhooking my seatbelt, I pulled in a nervous breath and leaned into him, my hand high on his thigh. He stiffened beneath my touch. I pressed my shaky lips to his cheek, then his neck.
“What are you doing, Maggie?” he asked hoarsely as I gathered my courage to move my hand higher.
“Proving it to you,” I whispered, my voice trembling, my eyes burning with tears. He turned and faced me, his hands coming up to cup my face.
“Why?” he asked, his eyes searching mine.
“Because I can’t lose you,” I choked out, a tear snaking its way down my cheek.
“What if I’m already gone?”
“Please. No.” I sucked in a sharp breath.
“I don’t want you to throw yourself at me to keep me, Maggie. It’s not real if you do that. We’re not real. We might never have been.”
“Don’t say that. Please, don’t say that! You know how much I care about you!”
“Go inside. You need to get ready for the game tonight,” his voice was firm.
“Lance, please. Come with me. Come to my room. I-I’ll do whatever you want,” I begged, feeling pathetic and like my whole world was crashing down on me.
“Maggie, listen to me. Go inside. I’ll see you after the game. Please,” his voice had become strained. “If I go up to your room, we won’t stop. I won’t stop.”
“Do you love me?” I asked, my eyes searching his for an answer, my heart tumbling in my chest at the possibility of him saying no.
“I love you with my entire heart, Maggie,” he whispered, pressing his warm lips to my forehead. “And that’s why we need to talk after the game. OK?”
“OK,” my voice shook as I fumbled with the handle on the door. He didn’t say another word to me as I got out of the car. He was backing out of my driveway before I’d even backed away to go into my house, not once looking back at me.
I was losing him just like Jess and Chelsea said I would.
Chapter 47
We barely spoke at the game. After the game, Lance left, leaving me to ride with Jess and Chelsea to the party. I wasn’t even going to go, but Jess insisted.
When we arrived at Andrew’s, the party was in full swing. I found Lance easily and went to him.
“Hey, you played well tonight,” I said, hoping he was in a better mood and that maybe things weren’t as bad as I thought they were.
“Thanks,” he answered, his eyes raking over me quickly.
I didn’t get a chance to say more because Heidi approached him, taking his attention. Feeling devastated, I moved to the couch and sat down beside a guy named Byron. He started talking to me, but I wasn’t listening because I was too busy watching Heidi flirt with Lance. I caught sight of Brax and Corbin across the room, looking like they were in a deep conversation.
At least someone’s getting along.
But something wasn’t right. Brax was mad. He stalked across the room to Lance. They had a heated discussion before Lance turned and came toward me. I sat forward and rose to my feet as he took my hands in his.
“Maggie, I can’t do this with you anymore. You’re beautiful. And smart. But I want… more. And you aren’t ready for it. I never should have—we never should have… We’re done. I’m sorry.”
I didn’t have words. It felt like my heart just exploded in my chest. And then, I watched horrified as he moved away from me and swept Heidi up into his arms and kissed her deeply.
It felt like the world had stopped spinning. I reached out to steady myself. This wasn’t real. He wouldn’t do this to me! I trusted him!
“Easy, angel,” Brax’s voice murmured in my ear, his hands on my waist, steadying me as I shook. “Come on. Let’s get out of here.”
I stumbled along wordlessly beside him. I tried to hold it together. God, help me, I did. But once we were in Brax’s car, the waterworks started, and I couldn’t stop them.
Brax opened his arms, and I fell into them, a sobbing mess.
“Let’s go to my place,” he said faintly. I nodded and pulled away, wanting to get as far away from Lance as I could.
He betrayed me. All that time, I thought I could trust him, and he’d done the one thing to me that had completely blindsided me. I felt like he’d tugged my heart out and stomped on it. And what’s worse, I felt like I deserved it. Like it was some sort of punishment because I’d thought about Brax. Because I hadn’t been the best girlfriend. Because I hadn’t given him the things he wanted. The things I knew he needed.
Brax helped me into his house. I didn’t want to be there. I didn’t want to be anywhere at that moment.
Maybe it was the alcohol Brax gave me as I sat in his living room. Maybe it was his sweet words. Maybe it was my broken heart or my desire to let go. Maybe it was his kind nature, the look in his blue eyes, or the feelings I’d been pushing away for so long. Maybe it was a combination of all that. But after a few drinks I decided to do the unthinkable, to confess to the man who showed me compassion. The man I was drawn to. The man I felt might be able to save me from myself.
I had to tell someone. I had to tell him.
Chapter 48
I rose to my feet slowly, my head spinning from all the alc
ohol I’d drunk. I was doing this. I unbuttoned my pink cardigan, my eyes locked on Brax’s as he gazed up at me with a strange look on his face. A look that echoed everything I felt in my heart.
“What are you doing, angel,” he murmured, his eyes trained on me.
I wordlessly let my cardigan fall to the floor.
“I-I have to do this before I chicken out," I breathed out nervously. “I-I have to show someone.”
Brax rose to his feet, apprehension written on his handsome face as I unzipped my dress and turned around. I let it fall away exposing my back for him to see.
“What the fuck!” his angry hiss engulfed me as his fingers traced the cuts and bruises on my back. Like a map to my own personal hell.
“He hits me. Alan hits me. He hits my mother, too, but I get it worse. I get it so much worse,” I whispered, my voice trembling with the confession.
“I’ll fucking kill him,” Brax declared with a dangerous growl as he moved more of my dress aside to look at my body.
“No, please, Brax!” I panicked. Brax couldn’t let Alan know he knew! I twisted my fingers into his shirt, tears streaming down my face as I begged him, “Please! I’ll be eighteen soon, and I’m going to leave. Then he can’t hurt me anymore.”
“Maggie,” Brax growled, reaching for me and putting his hands firmly on my shoulders and squeezing me. “Tell me that’s all he does to you. Tell me there isn’t something more.”
I couldn’t even look him in the eye. He knew it. In a flash, he removed his shirt and stood in front of me, his glorious muscular torso on display. I tried to keep my eyes down, not wanting to make things even more awkward. His hand came out and tilted my chin up to look at him.
“We all have our scars, angel,” he proclaimed softly, his hand over his heart.
I let out a soft gasp as he dropped his hand revealing a large scar right over his heart. Instinctively, I reached out and traced it with my fingers, feeling all the jagged flesh. A zing of heat zipped through me. There was so much pain and sadness in him. It coursed through his body as I touched him.