by A. C. Katt
“Slow down, baby. I can’t take you tonight, but let me feel your body rest on top of mine,” Milo replied, his voice husky. “Oh God, I’ve waited so long.”
Milo’s hand moved over Liam’s shoulders and back, feeling the contours of his body through his clothing. “Let’s sleep here tonight,” Milo whispered. “If we go to bed, I won’t be able to control myself.” His tongue traced the outline of Liam’s soft lips. Then he kissed him with all the pent-up passion he’d carried for so long.
Milo held his Liam in his arms and the world was suddenly right. His right arm held his Liam closer as his left hand drew circles on his back. As he knew it would, the soothing motion of his caress sent his emotionally spent, soon-to-be lover into a deep sleep.
Milo held Liam through the night, wondering if he’d been fair by not allowing Liam to date others. But as he watched his love and held him close, he knew deep inside that this was where he should be.
He whispered into Liam’s ear, “No one will ever love you as much as I do, baby. This I swear.”
* * * *
Rick swung his Jag into Murphy’s parking lot that night with the intent of scoring some weed. He swaggered into the bar and looked around.
“Hi, Mickey,” he greeted the bartender. “Have you seen Bart?” Bart Hedge acted as Rick’s dealer and latest best friend.
“Back in the pool room,” Mickey answered.
“Pour me two fingers of Maker’s Mark and one of whatever Bart’s drinking tonight and put it down at the end of the bar,” Rick said as he threw a fifty at Mickey. He sauntered down the long bar, stopping to chat with the regulars, savoring his fame.
Walking into the pool room, he saw Bart in the corner. “Hey man, how the hell are you? No gig tonight?”
“Nah, Lucky’s got some newly-signed wannabees playing tonight, so they gave us the night off. How’d you know I’d be here?”
“Figured I’d stop in for a couple of short ones, then head down to Lucky’s to catch their act. The boys are busy at the house tonight, so I’m out with no plans.”
“What about Sam?”
“He’s doing what he usually does when we’re not rehearsing or on a gig; hitting the books. Shit, we’re on our way up with a major label, and that fool brother of mine still wants to be a lawyer. We’ll be looking for a drummer soon. You should audition. You’re good, man.”
“You think?”
“Sure, I’ll put a word in for you.”
“Thanks, man. It would be great playing together.”
“Wouldn’t hurt to get my weed local, either.” Rick laughed. “Come on, I got us set up at the end of the bar.” Bart followed Rick from the pool room.
As Rick finished the second round, Bart asked, “You want to go clubbing tonight or what?”
“Sure, but I’m buzzed, man. I can’t drive,” Rick said, reeling from the effect of the bourbon.
“I’ll drive. I’ve got some blow that will make you sail.”
“You know I don’t do the hard stuff.”
“Look, once won’t addict you, and I have some X for the clubs,” Bart encouraged as they got into his truck.
“Ah, what the fuck. I’ll give it a try, but only once, man. Milo would be all over my ass if he thought I was using.” Bart laid out the white powder on the cover of a magazine and handed Rick a bar straw.
“From what you said, the man in charge is going to be too busy tonight with the kid to notice what you’re up to.”
Twenty minutes later, they pulled out of Murphy’s to hit the Shore hot spots. Rick felt like he stood on top of the world.
“Man, this is going to be one hell of a night!” he said to Bart.
* * * *
Rick staggered in the next morning while Milo showered. Liam made coffee and toasted some bagels.
“Hey, hot shot,” he said to Liam. “Give me one of those will you? I’m starved.”
“You don’t look starved. I’d say you looked like one of the undead. What the hell did you do last night? You don’t have long to straighten up. Milo’s in the shower.”
“I’m a fucking big boy. Milo has no say over what I do.”
“Tell him that,” Liam said in an undertone as he caught Milo descending the stairs out of the corner of his eye.
* * * *
Milo walked into the kitchen, wearing his boxers and a smile. The smile faded as he saw Rick poured into a kitchen chair. “Man, what did you do last night? You can’t have gotten into that kind of shape on Jim Beam.”
“It didn’t drink Beam. I did Maker’s Mark, and good morning to you, too. I’ll have you know I conducted band business last night,” Rick answered Milo a bit smugly.
Milo walked to the counter, gave Liam a kiss on the nape of his neck and pulled him into his arms. “Is there coffee, baby?”
“Coffee and another bagel, tea for me,” Liam answered.
Rick raised an eyebrow as Milo nuzzled Liam’s neck. “I gather you two spoke to one another last night?”
“Yes, we did,” Milo answered. His inflection made it clear that there was nothing more to be said. “So what band business did you discuss last night while guzzling your bourbon?”
* * * *
Rick hesitated. He knew how Milo felt about drugs and about putting Liam anywhere near dealers or users. With Sam wrapped up in his studies, and it looking as if these two would be wrapped around each other, Rick felt it only right he had some company.
Hell, I’m entitled to a life too, and Bart’s my friend. “I found us a new drummer. He’s been with the house band at Lucky’s for years. I know him; he’s a pretty good guy.”
“You didn’t promise him anything, did you?” Milo asked.
“Nothing but a shot at an audition when the time comes. I think I have enough credit here to promise him that. As far as the rest, he’ll have to make the cut on his own.”
“Guess that means I’d better get off my ass and set up audition dates,” Milo said. “We’re going to need Sam’s help with the transition. Damn it, I hate that Sam’s leaving. I never really believed he would.”
“Geez,” Liam said, “he’s been talking about going into law for as long as I can remember. It’s what he wants.”
“Listen to the kid for once,” Rick said. “He’s right. Sam wants this, and if he doesn’t give it a shot, he’ll always regret it. It’s not like he can’t come back if he wants. Nobody, not even a close friend like Bart, can take my brother’s place in our hearts.”
“I don’t know,” Milo said. “It seems wrong, somehow. Gives me the shivers thinking about it.”
“We’ll all get used to it,” Liam said in an obvious attempt to placate.
* * * *
Rick said, “I’ll go call him.” He left the room.
Once he was gone, Liam hopped onto Milo’s lap, licked his ear and neck, and asked in a small voice, “Milo, can we have kittens?”
Milo laughed as Liam settled back into his arms. This is how it should be. His arms encircled Liam and brought him closer so he could breathe in his baby’s smell and revel in their closeness. A few minutes passed, and Milo sighed. “Up and at ‘em, Liam. We have houses and kittens to scout.”
“Can we get a house on the water? It doesn’t matter if it’s the river or the ocean. I love the beach.”
“I know you do. Anything you want, baby.”
* * * *
Bart hung up the phone and smiled. “I knew Rick would come through for me. I can cut it on the drums, and with all things being equal, being a friend of the bass player gives me an edge.”
The guy Bart had tied to the bed tracked him carefully with his eyes. The phone call seemed to put Bart into a very good mood, which meant he’d give him a hard fuck.
Bob hadn’t met Bart through his usual bar friends. Bart appealed to him because he played on the razor’s edge of dangerous. Bart walked over to the bed, speaking softly.
“Settle yourself, honey. I haven’t decided yet whether I want to fuck you raw or ra
m my cock down your throat. I’m feeling real good and ready to give it to you good. You know, pet, if you have enough patience, all things come. I’m going to take it all away from him, strip it off, one thing at a time and when he has nothing left, I’ll take his life.”
Bob hoped Bart would hurry up and get to fucking, because sometimes his lover went over the edge of creepy.
Chapter 4
Hidden in the Garden of Ego
Planted beneath the vines
Are all the deepest darkest secrets
That prey upon the mind
You stroll the garden pathways
Basking in the sun
But underneath the rocks they lie
To taunt you, each and every one
—Milo Stamis, “Secrets,” Words Without Music
* * * *
The band scheduled a one-night gig for Liam’s eighteenth birthday at Carnegie Hall. The venue was an indication of how far they’d come in the last three years. Sam found a condo near Columbia. He’d completed law school and studied for the bar in three states. He didn’t want to wait for reciprocity. He intended to take the exams for California, New Jersey, and New York within a few months’ time so he could open his agency and properly represent the band.
Sam didn’t believe Hedge was as young as he claimed. Bart apparently had some hard living under his belt, because he appeared to be a lot older than he said. But Rick had pushed for him and he didn’t do any worse than the other applicants.
He had experience playing with a few second-tier acts. He didn’t have Sam’s style, Liam’s genius, or Rick’s love of rock, but he was competent, reliable, and able to step right in and pick up Sam’s sticks.
“Liam doesn’t like Bart,” Sam said as he put down his bottle of Corona.
“Liam’s nervous around new people. He doesn’t like change. The four of us have been in each other’s faces for so long, he’d have a hard time accepting anyone.”
“Bart’s gay. Jealousy may be a factor,” Sam said as he stripped the label from his beer bottle.
“Liam knows how I feel.”
“You wouldn’t know it from the way you avoid him at rehearsals.”
“Liam knows we have to do what’s necessary for the band’s image.”
“Even if that image gives Bart the impression that you’re available?”
“Liam and I already discussed this. After his birthday, there should be no doubts.”
“Have you told him you love him?”
“I’ve told him how I feel, Sam. Enough digging.” Milo took a long swig of his Corona, putting an end to the conversation.
* * * *
Liam sat downstairs with the roadies. He’d made friends with Danny Hobbs. Married, Danny and his wife had a son. He and Danny spent a lot of time together on the road. Liam sat on a stool while Danny packed up.
“Your big day is coming soon,” Danny commented.
“Yep,” Liam answered with glee.
“Bet you are looking forward to it.”
“I am, but I still won’t be able to go out with the guys. Not until I’m twenty-one. I hope I’m not losing my gaming partner because I’m turning eighteen.”
“Not unless I lose my job, kid. You want to throw the football around for a while?”
“Sure. If you have time. How’s Jimmy?”
Danny pulled out his wallet to show Liam the latest pictures.
Danny went over to his duffle. He pulled out his lunch bag and took it to the stool next to Liam.
“Nora always make you lunch?”
“Yeah. I like her lunches better than fast food. Keeps me trim.”
“Milo can’t cook for shit.”
“Then you ought to learn to cook for yourself. Milo can’t take care of things forever.”
“Nothing is going to change. I have his word.”
“The only sure thing in this life is change, kid. It’s best to learn to take care of your own basic needs. All you need to learn how is a decent cookbook.”
“I’ll think about that,” Liam said, suddenly serious. Liam got up and walked away. A little voice in Liam’s head said, “If he really cared, wouldn’t he want everyone to know I’m his?” It was something worth pondering.
Liam headed up the stairs to the office area to find Milo. He burst into the office and headed straight for Milo’s lap. Milo’s face changed into a foreboding mask, and he said, “Off!” pushing Liam away.
“What’s wrong?” Liam asked. “There’s no one here!”
“What’s wrong is you have no control. When I said that we have to be careful and keep this to ourselves, I meant it. Was I speaking Greek?”
“But there’s no one here,” Liam sputtered in confusion as he plopped his ass on the second chair.
“Yeah, not at this minute. Someone could walk in on us at any time. Can’t you save it for home?”
“Are you ashamed of me?”
Milo’s face gentled. “No, baby, not ashamed, just careful.”
“Careful of what? The guys might find out I’m gay? That horse left the barn back when I turned twelve.”
“Can’t you just leave it alone? The house will be ready soon and we’ll have all the privacy we need. Work is work. You don’t shit where you eat.”
“So now you’re comparing me to shit?” Liam’s voice dripped with sarcasm.
“Can’t this wait until we get home?”
“It can’t be put off forever,” Liam answered as he bounced out of the chair and out the door.
* * * *
Milo’s head dropped into his hands. Why didn’t Liam understand the dangers of coming out of the closet? People got killed for being openly gay. My father would have happily murdered me if he knew. We could lose everything. He’d sheltered Liam from the seedier side of the business since the beginning. He hadn’t seen the other tour bands shooting up, or flying so high on booze and pills that they almost drowned in their own vomit.
I can’t destroy his faith in human nature. Bad enough I’m going to take his innocence. I’d do anything to protect him, even from himself.
* * * *
Liam met Bart on the stairs. “Where are you headed?” Liam asked.
“Up to the office for a meeting with Milo.”
“Don’t think he’s in the mood.”
“This is business, kid. Something that needs to be handled.”
“Maybe I could help you.”
“Look, you are, from my observation, a spoiled, scatter-brained brat who happened to be born with a voice. Aside from that, everyone else here carries your water. Go downstairs and play your games. Like I said, I have business with Milo. This isn’t playtime.”
“Why are you so damned mean to me? What did I ever do to you?”
“Kid, you are a burden to the rest of the guys in this band. They volunteered to hold your hand. I didn’t.”
Bart turned his back on Liam and continued up the stairs.
Liam fled down the stairs to the rehearsal room. He thought the space empty until he spotted Rick in the corner. Rick looked up and beckoned him over.
“What happened now, kid?”
“Am I a useless burden to everyone?”
“Not completely,” Rick joked. “You do sing for your supper.” Liam’s eyes widened. Rick thought he was useless too.
Rick stopped checking the equipment. “I was kidding. Sit down, hot shot. Spill.”
“I ran into Bart on the stairs. He said I don’t pull my weight in the band. That you guys have been covering for me for years.”
Rick put his arm around Liam’s shoulder and took a seat on the leather couch that used to grace his father’s office. “Liam, when we started this thing, you were pretty young. There are certain things common to rockers that Milo and Sam both agreed you shouldn’t be around because of your age.”
“What would that be?” Liam asked, still sniffling, but with a trace of sarcasm.
“Sex; heavy drug use; drunkenness. All the excesses of the worst of rock
and roll. You were only twelve. Christ, you’re still a baby. Sam and Milo told your mom that they would take care of you. Sam and I moved into your house to help Milo keep that promise.”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean we acted as the buffer between you and him. The chaperones. We all knew you had a hard-on for Milo, and kid, you’d tempt a saint. Our Milo’s no candidate for sainthood. Sometimes it became difficult for Sam and me. We had the money to move out anytime. We hung around because Milo needed us and you needed Milo. That kind of put the whole band’s life on hold. Not that I don’t love you like a brother, but I’m glad you’ll be legal this week.”
“I’m sorry. I didn’t realize—”
“Don’t sweat it. You weren’t supposed to realize. As far as Bart is concerned, he probably has the hots for Milo and sees you as competition. Don’t let him get to you. Besides, as of this weekend, no one has to carry you, right?”
“Right,” Liam agreed with determination.
* * * *
Bart lightly tapped on the open office door before he walked in. Milo looked up.
“Hey man, what’s up?” Bart asked. “I just saw the kid coming down the stairs. Told him I was on my way up to see you, and he seemed upset.”
“He doesn’t understand some things. Cut him a break.”
“Who cuts you a break?” Bart asked sympathetically.
“It’s hard. With Sam gone, all of the business end falls on me. He won’t be able to help until he passes the bar, and I don’t trust anyone else to do it.”
“Hey, I’ve been in the business for years. If you need a hand, just ask. Is there something going on with you and the kid?”
“What do you know?” Milo sounded irritated as he leaned back in his chair.
“Easy, man. Look, I’m gay. I know a fellow traveler when I see one. The kid moons over you. Is that a problem?”
Milo sighed. “I guess I couldn’t expect to keep it secret from you. We’re all too close. A tour is like a fucking small town. There are no secrets. It’s not you or the roadies I’m worried about.”