by A. C. Katt
Chapter 15
It’s painful to see
What might have been
If I had let it be
If we were both different men
Less burdened and more free
Of all the baggage and illusions
Secrets and darkness bring
The past spoke up and winter came
And we never sought out spring
Lies and secrets are to blame
They caused our demise
And now, the season of the rain
Has cleared up dreary skies
You are to me the fount of life
My love that I so missed
There is no more any strife
Now that we have kissed.
—Milo Stamis, “Song of Might Have Beens”
* * * *
When Milo returned to the present and let go of his reverie, he found himself still plastered to the connecting door, and the front of his pants soaked with cum.
He needed to see Liam. He needed to see him tonight.
Liam showered and washed his hair, feeling more human as he rid himself of the sweat and grime of travel. Since his stomach still felt rocky, he considered going to the kitchen and getting a can of Coke. Soda always settled his stomach. He hadn’t brought a robe or sweats into the bathroom with him, so he opened the door and stepped out into the bedroom naked.
His dick still felt hard from thinking about Milo and it stood at attention, reaching up and over his navel. He did not have much girth, but his length and flexibility more than made up for the lack. Milo always said his thin dick could snake up a passage far enough to hit the prostate every time. Lost in deep thought, he padded toward his bag.
He heard a noise and looked up. Milo sat in the chair he so recently vacated, the chair in which he just spilled his seed.
“Milo?”
“You expected someone else?” Milo chuckled.
“Actually, I didn’t expect anyone or anything except a decent night’s sleep,” Liam answered.
“You didn’t eat anything, baby,” Milo chided. “Your stomach must be roiling by now. I brought up some sandwiches.”
“Milo, I am no longer your baby, nor, as a matter of fact, anyone else’s,” Liam answered in exasperation. “I am a grown man for Christ’s sake.”
Milo spoke in a soft voice. “I know very well how old you are. I celebrated the majority of those birthdays with you, and one I’ve never forgotten inside you. One which never left my mind for an instant in the past six years. That day, you became mine. The night we first made love, you gave me the right to call you baby. Have you been with anyone else who could make you feel what I made you feel? I know I have never been able to find another you.
“For me, there’s only you,” Milo continued. “I learned that after you left me. I looked for you, everywhere. I couldn’t find you. I tried, and then I knew you didn’t want to be found, you hated me. So I gave up,” Milo whispered brokenly as he got up and paced the room. “Even though in my endless stupidity, still thinking you cheated on me, I wanted you. I looked for you, called you. You never answered my messages, my e-mails, my letters. You even ignored the songs in the book I dedicated to you. I didn’t know how to get to you. I didn’t know what happened.” Milo stopped and looked at Liam. “I acted like a jealous ass. I did all this damage to our love, to our lives. I know I don’t deserve anything from you. Yet I ask, because I can’t do anything else. I’m nothing without you, baby, just a pimple on humanity’s ass.”
Milo dropped to his knees in front of Liam. “I would have been there for you, if I knew, baby, I swear. I started looking for you right away. You have no reason to believe me, yet I beg you to give me the chance I never gave you. I’m begging you to give me my life back.”
Liam looked at Milo, eyes wide in shock. He slumped down onto the chair Milo vacated, his head down on his chest. “I never received any letters or messages. I didn’t buy the book because it would have been too painful, and I was still recovering mentally from everything that happened.”
Liam lifted his head and his voice turned strident. “You damn well knew where to deliver my things—you sent them to me. I sat alone in a rented house surrounded by carelessly packed boxes I couldn’t face unpacking. I kept hoping you would change your mind, go to Danny and ask questions, do something to attempt to prove my innocence to yourself. I thought once you took the time to think, you’d come and ask me for the truth. You never did.” The last three words ended in a sob Liam could not control.
“I didn’t send your things to you,” Milo spat back. “I came home one day and everything had disappeared, even the cats. I swear I thought you took them. The housekeeper said you sent someone to pick them up. I called Sam and he wouldn’t tell me where you went. He said you needed some time. I called Rick and he told me he didn’t know where you were. He said I should forget you and hire a new lead singer because the band was falling apart. We needed Bart back, he told me.”
At that point Liam began to hope, to believe maybe there was a chance for them. He’d never seen Milo distraught. Before, Milo got angry. Milo acted. He didn’t waste time on tears and recriminations.
Milo kept going. “I hung up on Rick after saying some pretty nasty things. I didn’t find out Bart was his dealer until later. Again, I hadn’t listened to you. Oh God, baby; who stepped in between us and drove us so far apart we couldn’t even coexist in the same state? Why didn’t Sam tell me about the suicide attempt? Sam used to be my best friend. Why would he keep me from you when you needed me? Why would he keep you from me when he knew without you I dried up inside? Who did this to us? I know I hold most of the blame, but someone else made sure we never got a chance to straighten things out. Who? Why?” Milo asked. He was sobbing by the time he finished. He held Liam’s naked legs as if afraid Liam would disappear.
Liam’s emotions swirled as the possibility Rick might have lied to him all these years hit home. Liam broke. He bent over and kissed Milo’s forehead and eyes. He pulled at him in an attempt to get him to stand up. He took Milo’s hand and crossed the room to the double chaise where he pulled Milo down beside him. “Milo, please, let me hold you. I want your arms around me. I never stopped loving you. I never stopped hoping and praying you would return and listen to me. But you didn’t, and I thought that you didn’t care one way or the other. I thought you never loved me. Oh God, I’ve missed you so much.”
Milo sobbed uncontrollably in Liam’s arms. “I’ve always loved you. It was my darkest secret. I took you when you turned eighteen. I told you that night there would be no going back, and I meant it. I feared you’d find someone younger, without my hang-ups about being gay. And then, when the newspaper article appeared and I found the drugs, I went crazy. All of my fears materialized. Rick kept telling me to move on, I just couldn’t. Shattered Glass couldn’t exist without you, baby. I knew I wouldn’t survive without you in my life.”
Liam continued to hold Milo, who now shook with sobs. “What did we let them do to us? How did it get this bad? I didn’t believe you loved me. Hold me tight. I need to remember what it feels like. I’ve missed your arms around me.”
Milo turned to Liam and laid him down, pulling his body up against his own. “Liam, do you truly forgive me?” Milo whispered.
“Yes, my love. I forgave you almost as soon as I hit the door.”
“I know you’ve seen a counselor. I’ve seen a counselor of a different sort. His name is Esteban, Father Sanchez, from the local church. I met him on the plane home after the Grammies. I was pretty broken up because I missed seeing you again. If you decide to stay, I’d like you to meet him. I’d like to meet Patricia, too. I want to thank her for being there for you. Oh Liam, I’m so sorry. No more lies or secrets. I know what happened, baby. I know they raped you. I received the pictures anonymously in yesterday’s mail.”
Liam’s voice became small. “You still want me, after that?”
“It was my fault. If I stayed and heard you ou
t, it wouldn’t have happened,” Milo answered simply. “After you left, I fell into a tequila bottle. I picked up men who looked like you and half the time, I couldn’t go through with anything. The only relationship I began lasted a month, it fell apart when I kept calling him by your name. No one else could hold a candle to you. We start again from today, baby. If you can forgive my sins, I’ll do any penance you require.”
“I think we have both done enough penance. I’ll stay as long as you want me.”
“Then you’ll never leave my side, baby. I love you so much.” They lay quietly for a few minutes. Milo stroked his hand up and down Liam’s side. “Baby, you haven’t been eating, have you? Please, have some of the sandwiches Conchita made for us.”
They both got up off the chaise. Milo, holding Liam’s hand, seated them in the two blue leather chairs. The tray piled with sandwiches and Coke sat on a glass coffee table between them. “Can your stomach tolerate the sandwiches?”
“I think so. I do need to eat.”
“You do. You’re about twenty pounds underweight. Conchita will make it her personal mission to fatten you up.” Milo laughed.
“I can’t wait to meet her.”
“You will, in the morning.”
As they sat, Milo watched every bite that went into Liam’s mouth. He looked closely at his beloved’s face and saw deep-hued circles under his violet eyes. “I hate it that you look so tired and worn.”
“It’s been hard.”
“I know. For me, too. It bothers me that so much of what happened seems to have been deliberate obstruction. Why didn’t I get your calls? Why would you think I would go with that bastard, Bart?”
“Yes. I couldn’t see it, but it is clear now. Too many coincidences.”
“Do you see it, baby? There’s a pattern here. Someone, most likely Bart, went to great lengths to drive us apart. I know it is still shaky between us. I know I need to regain your trust. I also know that I need to prove to you that I trust you absolutely. Nevertheless, someone deliberately isolated you and tore us apart by pushing first my buttons and then, yours. It must be someone who knew us very well, who could predict both of our reactions to certain stimuli with about ninety percent accuracy. I don’t like it, Liam.”
Liam had his suspicions. “I’d never been deliberately cruel, to anyone. Who would want to do this to us, to the band? It hurt everyone, the backup singers, the roadies, we had a lot of people who depended on us for their livelihood. I still get occasional reminders of my sins.”
* * * *
Liam’s body shivered a bit as he said the word reminder. Milo noticed. Milo determined that this time he would leave nothing to chance. Giving each other space, Milo thought, got them into this mess in the first place, so he pushed, gently, but he pushed.
“Has anything else out of the ordinary happened, Liam? Anything to upset you? Something which looked or felt wrong?”
“I get gifts,” Liam answered him, tight-lipped.
“What kind of gifts?” Milo asked as he abruptly sat up on the chaise. Milo sensed something off. He clasped Liam to his chest. Even after the emotional catharsis that left them closer to each other than they had been since childhood, Milo sensed his lover still held something back. He looked thinner, and tense, closed off and very, very afraid. If his unease was caused by the state of their relationship, he knew Liam would have relaxed at least to some extent by now, when he knew himself finally vindicated, yet he hadn’t.
“What kind of gifts, baby? Tell me.”
“Unpleasant ones,” Liam said as he turned his face away from Milo and into his shoulder.
Milo sighed in exasperation. “Define unpleasant, Liam. If we want to build trust, we have to start being up front with one another about everything. Tell me now, and save both of us the trouble of having me badger you all night,” Milo said with a forced chuckle.
“Dead things. Threats. I’ve notified the police, and I no longer let anyone travel with me. I didn’t want to come here, Milo. I’d die if I caused you hurt.”
“Does Sam know?”
“No, only Patricia. I decided to tell Sam today when I received a package at the car rental counter. I haven’t been getting much sleep,” Liam answered, on the defensive.
“Who knows you’re here?” Milo asked abruptly.
“Only Sam. I finished the tour for my last album and told the label I intended to take at least a six month hiatus. My publicist knew I intended to go on vacation, but I made my own plane reservations and took the train from Red Bank to the airport when I started the tour. I had no animals to care for or plants needing to be watered, so I had no reason to call anyone to come to the house while I was gone. The security company has my cell number if they need me. Why?”
“Because we’re up here alone, baby. Because someone who means us harm may have set up this situation. Only a sick, malevolent, sociopath would go to those lengths and stand between us for so long,” Milo answered. “Look, could you get dressed? Your lack of clothing is unsettling. It makes my little head interfere with the processes of my brain. I want you, you know I do. However, we need to talk about a lot of things and the first thing we need to do is to find out who, besides Bart, had it in for us. Could you come downstairs? Maybe eat something a bit more substantial than a sandwich?”
“I don’t know about eating. My stomach has been upset all day. But I’ll get dressed and come downstairs, maybe you have a little more—”
“Yes, I have more Coke in the fridge. Remember, I invited you here. I haven’t forgotten what you like or what you need.” Milo gave him a quick kiss and sped out of the room.
* * * *
Liam shook his head while he searched through his bag for another pair of sweats.
There was still the issue of their cats. Minor and Major never arrived from Milo’s. Milo said he didn’t have them. Their absence had entrenched his anger against his former lover for so long. Yet now he knew Milo hadn’t seen them since the day Liam left. With the unsettling thought about his cats rolling around in his head, Liam grabbed the sweat pants and flew down the stairs.
“Milo,” he called, as he ran from the hall to the kitchen. “If you never had the cats, what happened to Minor and Major?”
“I don’t know. You said you never picked them up, so if you don’t have them, who does?” Milo answered with a puzzled look on his face.
“Whoever picked up my shit and delivered it to me didn’t bring them.”
“They took them! I remember how mad I was. I loved those damned cats, and I thought you took them to spite me.”
Liam shook his head. “I thought you kept them to get back at me.”
Milo looked up from the granite counter. “Who could have been so cruel?”
“Why did they pick on the cats? Jesus Christ, maybe we are in danger.”
Milo stood still for a moment, in deep thought. “You know, only someone who really wanted to inflict pain would take the cats away. If Bart was responsible for this, he still needed someone’s help, and it couldn’t be anyone but Rick.”
“Yeah, you’re right. Whoever did it knew us very well. Rick, Bart, and Sam were the only people who knew what they meant to us.”
“Yeah, it had to be someone the cats knew and they wouldn’t have gone easily with Bart. They never liked him,” Liam interrupted. “They wouldn’t take food from a stranger’s hand. They never came out from under the bed for anyone but us, or maybe Sam or Rick, and only then, if they were desperate to eat.”
“So how could anyone but Rick get them out of the house without the cats making a huge ruckus and the catnapper getting the shit clawed out of him?” Milo wondered.
“I don’t know,” Liam said, “but this is scary. For all those years, I didn’t think, I reacted. If I did some thinking, I would have been here sooner. Looking back, it all makes a weird kind of sense. How could I miss so many convenient coincidences? We’ve been duped, and by people close to us, people we trusted. I thought Rick was my only friend.
”
“Baby, it’s not getting scary—I’ve been frightened since the moment I realized this whole thing was staged. I’m calling Sam. He and Rick planned to come up in a few days.”
“I talked to Sam before I boarded my flight. He didn’t say he would be here. I thought he decided to bring Rick up from rehab later in the month,” Liam said, a bit perplexed.
“Er, originally I didn’t want them to come up at all. I wanted you all to myself so I could use the time to soften you up and coax you home.” Milo hung his head, a bit shamefaced.
“What changed your mind?” Liam asked.
“I heard the car. You didn’t get out right away. Then, when you went to the trunk, I only heard the thump of one bag. I called Sam and asked him to come quicker because I feared you planned to jump ship.”
“It was difficult to get out of the car, Milo. But I saw the garden and I hoped…I don’t know. It gave me courage.”
“One duffle for a month? That’s not the Liam I used to live with.”
Liam shrugged. “No, it isn’t. But I don’t travel with an entourage anymore. Only me and the instruments, the rest of the crew travel separately and they never know where I’m staying.”
“I suppose you no longer spend your entire royalty check on clothing and electronic toys either?” Milo teased.
“I’ve grown up, as I keep on telling you. Aren’t you listening? I’m different. We both are.” Liam sat at the counter and dropped his head between his hands. “We need time to find out about one another.”
“I know we do, but first I think we need some help to determine who planned all this from the sidelines. Whomever did it will strike again, as soon as they see us in the same house, and they are far too familiar with our habits and preferences. I don’t want to believe it is one of our intimates, but who else would know this stuff?” Milo set the can of soda alongside a glass with no ice.