by A. C. Katt
“Shit,” Sam spat. “Yes, he can have visitors. When residents are close to release, they’re encouraged to have visitors to see how supportive their companions will be to their hard-won recovery.”
“Sam,” Liam interposed quietly, “they keep logs, don’t they? I mean, no one can see Rick unless they sign the register.”
“I have his power of attorney, so I can find out. I’m right on it. And while I’m at it, I’ll get a report from the investigator assigned to find Bart Hedge.” J.B. pushed back his chair and strode to the door.
“What now?” asked Liam.
Liam read the pity in J.B.’s eyes. “We wait.”
Chapter 18
It’s difficult to ask for aid
When you know you’ve been betrayed
Who to trust, what to say
Who swept all your dreams away
Trust your heart, hear your soul
Give up some of your control
Burdens lighten when they’re shared
Just as hearts when they’re paired
—Liam O’Shea, “Not Alone”
* * * *
“We have to coordinate with the FBI,” said J.B. “Sam, I believe that there is a connection between the stalker and the murder of your assistant. I think you need to speak to Rick and find out exactly what he told Hedge. I’d bet Rick’s involvement was due to his addiction rather than hatred of Liam. He never would have called for help after the suicide attempt if he meant Liam physical harm. I also want to look into both Bart and Liam’s background to see if there is a common denominator. In that capacity the NYPD can see if Hedge is in the system under this name or an alias. Liam, will you agree to this?”
“Yes,” said Liam as he grabbed Milo’s hand. “I want this to end. I have everything to live for, and I don’t want that bastard to take one more thing away from me.”
“My crew and I will get started with the investigation. Milo, I need a list of everyone employed in your household, and any friends that may visit. I know you have a security system in place, but it will not discourage a determined intruder. My intention is to make this place as tight as Fort Knox.”
“Anything you think is necessary, J.B. I don’t want any of my people harmed.” Milo put his arm around Liam’s shoulder and said, “You and I are going somewhere private to finish our earlier conversation, and Sam is going to get some more shut-eye. Conchita’s already made up Sam’s usual room.”
“Conchita must have half a dozen elves working for her, for all that she does in this house,” Liam remarked.
“No,” said Milo, pulling Liam in for a quick kiss. “Conchita has relatives who are always looking to put a little extra away.”
“By the way, Sam, did you arrange what we discussed earlier?” Milo asked, as an aside.
“Christ, Milo, I’ve been on a plane all night and involved in meetings since I got here this morning. When would I have had the time? Besides, something this big needs the right venue to make the announcement. It also needs a sympathetic audience. If you don’t mind, I’ll take that nap first.”
“Sorry. I know I’m pushing, but the sooner it’s no longer an issue, the safer Liam will be.”
“I know that. Nevertheless, if we don’t do it right, there will be negative repercussions and not just for you. Let me do my job and make some phone calls. I promise I’ll have some answers by dinner.”
J.B. headed toward the door. “I’m going to check with the men on the perimeter and then back to my office to make some calls. I should have more information for you by later this afternoon.”
“You might as well come for dinner, J.B.,” Liam said. “Everyone else will be here.” Milo gave Liam a long look and followed it up with a hard hug. “What was that for?” Liam asked.
“I don’t need a reason to love you, baby. I just do. Come on, let’s go up to our room and take advantage of the gardens. After that, maybe we could take a siesta?” Milo asked.
“Sounds like a plan to me. Come on.” Liam held out his hand. “Show me your masterwork.”
“Would you like to use your old guitar while I work in the garden?” Milo asked.
“You still have it?”
“They left it behind and I refused to part with it because it used to be yours,” Milo answered.
Liam held Milo’s hand tighter; abruptly realizing how much Milo cared and had always cared for him. They made their way up to the studio level. Milo’s studio would impress any artist. It came equipped with a state-of-the-art recording studio, plus video and graphics editing capacity. Milo silently led him into a second large room, to the left of the first. It also opened out to the garden, a section that Liam had yet to see. Liam looked around in fascination.
“This room is like a memorial to Shattered Glass,” Liam commented as he glanced at the posters, flyers, and sheet music encased in glass.
“Look a little closer. For me, it was never about Shattered Glass. It stopped being about the band a long time ago. I don’t want to leave you, but I’ve got to make a few calls to bring in extra staff and touch base with Conchita. Would you mind waiting here?” asked Milo.
“Haven’t I always waited, Milo?”
“That’s funny, baby, I always thought I waited for you.” Milo picked up Liam’s hand and kissed his wrist. “I won’t be long.”
Liam decided to examine the contents of the room. Some of the gigs represented on the walls he didn’t even remember. Some others stood out in vivid color in his head. Yet every one of the posters, potential album cover shots, flyers, and publicity stills shared one feature in common—him. In each and every one of the varied media, he was the focus.
This isn’t a memorial to Shattered Glass, Liam thought. This is a memorial to me, to Milo and me, and what we had together, and maybe to what he wants back. But, do I want it to be that way or different?
* * * *
“Baby, come back. You went somewhere else completely. Caught in a daydream, love?” Milo asked. “By the look on your face, it seemed to be an unpleasant one. Can I make it better?”
“Actually, some days it felt like paradise, and some days I burned in hell. I remembered a time at our house in Rumson, a month or so before it all fell down around my head. We argued about coming out of the closet and our music.” Liam shivered.
“Our heads, baby. It came down on us both. I remember that argument. You tried to tell me about Bart. I’m so sorry I didn’t listen.”
“I coasted through life back then, Milo. You were right. I hadn’t developed a sense of responsibility. We could not have abruptly changed our style without repercussions. It hurt a lot of people when we broke up. I did what I could for most of them, but I did not weigh my responsibilities against the cost of change.”
“You might have been naive, but you got it right. Our music got stale, our tempers grew short, the band had a drug problem, and we had a problem that I refused to see.” Milo grabbed Liam’s old guitar in one hand and Liam in the other. “Let’s talk in the garden. You’ll like it.”
“How many gardens do you have?” Liam asked as they ducked out of the studio level into a walled garden that resembled some of the Moorish courtyards he’d seen in books. A fountain attached to a wall spurted water from a lion’s mouth. A second fountain funneled into a pond where the water tumbled over some rocks and disappeared into a quiet pool.
“There is one for every level of the house, and three special gardens. I guess that makes seven all together. None of them are large with the exception of this one, because it hits the small plateau and therefore sits at ground level. The pond serves as a pool of sorts. It’s not for swimming, more for soaking and relaxing.”
“The gardens are beautiful. They remind me of the quiet times, the times when you let me in to really see you. They hold the same beauty I always saw in your soul.”
“Back then I didn’t have a soul, baby. The garden became a reflection of what I saw in yours.” Milo put the guitar down on a padded bench and pulled Liam i
nto his arms, drawing him close. Milo whispered, “Please tell me what it would take to make it work between us again.”
“I don’t want you to be anyone other than who you are. I’ve always loved you. It’s the circumstances that have to change. Not just for my sake but for yours, too.”
“Tell me what’s on your mind. I need to know what I’m facing.”
This time, Liam grabbed Milo. He pulled the bigger man down into his arms on a double lounge chair. They lay side by side, their bodies pressed together. Milo clung to Liam and whispered, “Baby, did you think that you were the only one who needed? I needed you so bad I was sick with it.”
Liam stroked the back of Milo’s head. “There never could be anyone but you for me. When I fell down the rabbit hole and started indiscriminately fucking around, one thing I knew when I finally came up for air was that no one would ever be able to tell me again that I didn’t know what or whom I wanted.”
Milo looked up from Liam’s chest. “Baby, I hate it that I pushed you into the thing I feared the most. What’s worse is what happened to you afterward. Sex, even with someone you don’t love, can be good, but that didn’t happen for you.”
“No, Milo, it didn’t.” Liam stroked Milo’s cheek. “That’s because, for me, sex without you is nothing. For me it was you and no one else.”
“How do we get it back? Not only the sex—although I want you so bad that my cock is going to fall off—but how do we get back the trust, the love?”
“You build it, one day at a time,” Liam whispered. “Now take me to your bed and have your way with me. I want you. I need to feel you inside me.”
“Are you sure?” Milo asked. “If I take you, I’ll keep you. I won’t let you go, because I couldn’t do it again. I never learned to live without you. I only found out how to mark sixty-minute increments on a clock, not how to live.”
“Milo, whatever it is, we’ll work it out. As long as I know you love me, everything else is chump change.”
Milo grinned. “Then how about right here? The courtyard is locked, and I have the only key.”
“Get naked, honey,” Liam said. “I want to feel you.”
Milo whisked off his jeans and struggled out of his tight T-shirt when he heard it rip. Milo looked at Liam in amazement. His baby ripped the shirt right off his body.
“I am yours, always,” Liam said, “but now I’m a grown gay man, out of the closet and comfortable with his needs. What I need is you. As one man needs another, as equal partners, friends, and lovers, that’s what you’re facing. That’s what I need. Can you do that? Treat me as an equal? Make decisions with me for us, instead of for me or us? Can you trust me enough to believe me when I tell you I love you and that I would never cheat? If you can, take me, make me yours again. You have my body, my heart, and my soul. You always did.”
“Yes, you are a man, but you’re still my baby. I reserve the right to try to protect those I love from harm, but I will consult with you, trust you, and love you. This time, it’s your turn, Liam O’Shea. You take me.”
* * * *
Liam rolled over on top of Milo. He knew what they both needed and that neither of them would last long. Determined to give it his best shot, Liam began showering Milo with hot, wet kisses. He scraped his tongue around the rim of Milo’s ear, nipping sharp bites along the lobe. He kissed his face, smoothing Milo’s brows with his tongue and thumb. Moving down his jaw to his throat, Liam sucked up a mark on the skin atop the sinew connecting his shoulder and arm. He licked, bit, and sucked his way from pit to paw, putting each finger in his mouth, making sucking and fucking motions. Milo went wild beneath him, attempting over and over to wrest back control, but Liam would have none of it.
He moved his head to the golden whorls of hair on Milo’s chest and sighed in near ecstasy as he rubbed his face and nose into its familiar texture and smell. This was home. The feel of Milo’s chest against his cheek, the abrasion of his hair against his own bare chest spoke to Liam of whispered love words and long, sweaty nights under white curtains fluttering in a breeze from the sea.
This became his new reality. The sun set the courtyard ablaze. The sky loomed clear, without a single cloud, and the mountain towered above them while they made love to the fountain’s tinkling. Liam bit the nubs that stood up from the cocoa aureoles that lay hidden on the hard pecs beneath the golden fur. The hair covered Milo’s chest and came to a V-shaped trail just underneath.
Liam followed the trail with his tongue, stopping to explore and re-familiarize himself with his favorite bits and pieces—the deep cavity of his lover’s navel and the small round beauty mark on his stomach near his left hip.
Milo seized his head and tried to bring it where he needed it to be, but Liam refused. “You have to wait, my love. Today, you wait for me. You put me in charge, so I’m in charge. If you’d like, I could improvise a cock ring.”
Milo hissed, “You’re evil. What happened to my naïve, eager-to-please baby?”
Liam tweaked one of Milo’s nipples and said, “He spent a great deal of lonely time on the net watching instructive videos.”
“Oh shit, you’ve become a porn addict! Oh, yes, Liam, please do that again.”
“You said?”
“Instructional videos…ahhh.”
At that moment, Liam took Milo’s huge member and swallowed it whole. He massaged the sides with his throat and tongue and began to work it with his hand. He sucked at the crown and nibbled the long vein on the underside. He took Milo back into his mouth and began to throat fuck him in earnest. Liam gave Milo the blow job of his life. His mouth moved everywhere. He licked the underside of Milo’s balls and bit and sucked his perineum.
Liam’s tongue teased around the area of Milo’s bright pink rosette as Milo moaned in anticipation. He flicked his tongue, teasing around the periphery of Milo’s opening. Then, suddenly, he plunged his tongue into Milo’s hole as far as it could reach. Taking his thumbs, aided by the moisture generated by his mouth, tongue, and Milo’s pre-cum, Liam began to stretch Milo open with his thumbs. “Lube?” he asked.
“Under the cushion,” Milo rasped.
“Deviant. You planned this.”
“Yes, but please, don’t stop now. You’re driving me insane.”
Liam no longer felt afraid to try something new. There would be no more jealous rages and asking where he’d learned such a thing. Milo knew now. He told him everything. Liam picked up the pace and power of his suction. He rolled Milo’s balls beneath his fingers and felt his body get ready to come. Milo grabbed his hair. Liam took the tube of lube and squeezed a fair amount around Milo’s hole and his fingers. As he plunged his tongue in and out he alternated the rhythm, using his fingers to scissor the opening and stretch Milo’s guardian muscle.
“I want to see you as I make love to you, my darling. I want to remember the look on your face as I enter you.”
“Please, don’t make me wait. I’m ready to shoot.”
Liam aligned his cock with Milo’s hole and plunged inside. Milo cried in ecstasy, not pain, “Harder, baby, harder. I need to feel you.”
Liam established a rhythm and Milo’s face shone with both lust and love. “I’m gonna—”
“Not yet,” said Liam as he took his long fingers and wrapped them around the base of Milo’s cock. “Now tell me,” Liam said in a fierce voice, “who do you belong to?”
“You, Liam. I belong to you.”
“Yes, you belong to me, and never, ever forget it again.”
Milo bit down on Liam’s shoulder and Liam howled with pleasure. Liam’s cock pulsated with effort as it pumped streams of cum into Milo’s ass.
Liam shot a prayer up to the gods, Please don’t let this be the last time. Let this be a beginning, not an end.
After, they lay together quietly, Liam resting on Milo’s chest. Both men felt boneless from the sheer magnitude of the release. Liam reached over and picked up a towel and wiped the cum from Milo’s stomach. “Was it really good for you? D
o I please you in bed? You’ve never told me if I please you in bed. I don’t want you to ever have to go elsewhere,” Liam teased.
Milo countenance took a serious mien. “I can’t think of a time when you didn’t drive me mad with lust. You are my life. Sometimes you broke my heart, but I always wanted and needed you more than my next breath. Where would you have gotten such a crazy notion?”
“From the source of all crazy notions in Shattered Glass—Bart. I was eighteen years old when we first made love, and all bravado, no real bravery. I reached for what I wanted, but feared to question you about your feelings or to examine mine. I knew you wanted me, but I didn’t know if you loved and needed me the way I needed you. I didn’t know if you loved me and just assumed I knew it, or couldn’t say what would be a lie. Bart used to torture me about that.” Liam mimicked Bart. “‘Did he ever say I love you while he was sober and didn’t have your hand on his dick?’ It hurt more than it should have because you never did.”
“Never did what? Please clarify,” Milo asked abruptly.
“You only said you loved me when your dick was in my ass,” Liam replied, angry that he needed to say it out loud.
“You’re right, I didn’t. It was deliberate. Liam, you can’t possibly understand how I reacted to you back then. I worshiped you. I lived everyday just to come home and hold you. You held my heart in your hand and you didn’t even know it. You made hard and fast friendships and completely excluded me from them. I was scared of what I felt for you, ashamed of being gay, I tried to have it both ways. I wanted to keep you a secret. I was wrong. I lost everything the moment you walked out the door. I’ve told you a dozen times since you arrived yesterday, and I’ll tell you as many times a day as you need to hear it for the rest of our lives. I love you, baby, only you.” Milo sat on the chaise next to Liam. “Can you forgive me?”
“I don’t know. But you weren’t the only one who didn’t get it right. Yes, I flirted. I wanted your attention anyway I could obtain it. I didn’t shut you out of my friendships so much as I didn’t invite you to join in them. I made friends of ordinary people, for the most part, and I feared you’d look down your nose at them.”