by Jim Kroepfl
Go to sleep.
First, I need to document what happened tonight, so I don’t forget to tell the others. I capture the event in the journal, then re-read my notes. I’m so exhausted my handwriting doesn’t even look like mine.
I wake with a start. My eyes are throbbing, and my top is twisted around me. Why did I sleep in my clothes? I reach for my journal, but it’s not on the night stand. Where did I last leave it? My eyes land on all the usual places, but it’s not there. I search every drawer, every nook, every place where it could have fallen, getting more and more anxious. Everything I need to remember is in there.
I search again until finally accepting it’s not in my room. I must have left it somewhere. I’ll ask the others if they’ve seen it.
I study my door after shutting it behind me. Why would I have Pittsburgh on it? I’ll get Orfyn to paint me something more uplifting. Perhaps the Eiffel Tower or the streets of Arles.
I knock on the door with the painting of Houston. When there’s no answer, I crack it open and call, “Have you seen my journal?” Who lives here again? Alex, that polite boy.
I push open the door and see that his personal effects have been removed. Was today the day he was scheduled to unmerge? It must be. Disappointment takes hold of me.
The maintenance man cleaning a window says, “Is something wrong?”
I sigh. “I never got to say goodbye.”
Such a waste of a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. Instead, Alex will be trying to survive high school unscathed.
The maintenance man nods and packs up his gear, even though there are still smudges on the other windows. I shake my head. It’s so hard to get good help these days.
Lake
“May I assume your presence here means you’ll continue working for me?”
Sophie can’t be aware of the Nobels’ discussions about unmerging, not that I’d ever consider it. It might be prudent to test her. “What are your thoughts about what’s going to happen to Marty?”
“Who is Marty?”
“You’ve never personally met him, but—”
“Lake, you know I deplore gossip.”
Just as I thought. She’s not aware of my awake-life. “I plan to work with you for the rest of my life,” I say to emphasize my commitment to her. I know Orfyn and Stryker are worried about me, but I have to keep believing my memory problems are only temporary.
“You have the oddest sense of humor,” Sophie says. “But I knew once you had time to consider the new direction, you’d come to appreciate its brilliance.”
This must be another one of those situations Sophie imagined, like my trip to Panama Beach. I still can’t believe I confused Sophie’s reality with mine. “New direction?”
“As I explained to you before, I plan to end all genetically-based diseases.”
Ambitious, but I’m up for the challenge. “And we’ll start with curing those with Alzheimer’s.”
Anger flashes across her face. “I told you to stop fighting me about that. I’ve already decided to abandon that direction to work on a method to sterilize those who have the markers.”
Her horrifying idea rushes back to me. The French art museum. The dwarf children. The reason the octopuses are gone. I was going to tell Deborah about Sophie’s criminally insane plan, but I never did because my memory when I’m awake is degenerating at an alarming rate. But why?
Sophie holds her cigarette as if it’s made from a precious metal. “Nasty habit, but I can’t imagine working without them. It calms me so I can think.”
“Can I have one?”
Sophie passes the pack and lighter to me. As I’m lighting the cigarette, something occurs to me. My go-to when I’m stressed had always been reciting the Periodic Table. When did that change? My eyes latch onto Sophie’s nicotine-stained fingertips. It feels as if someone is squeezing my heart, and it suddenly becomes hard to breathe.
“Are you going to be sick?” she asks. “You should stay at home when you’re unwell so you don’t infect me.”
“I think I’m having a panic attack.”
“You’re so melodramatic. Drop your head between your knees and breathe deeply. You’ll be fine.”
This advice from the disembodied scientist who thinks it’s a brilliant idea to take away people’s ability to have children, and who exists not only in my dreams, but may also unknowingly—or knowingly—be influencing me while I’m awake. I’d bolt out of here if here wasn’t my own brain. And if Sophie didn’t control my sleep patterns.
I need to tell the Darwinians, but until I wake, it’s up to me to get through this dream without damaging either of our psyches. I need a cigarette. No, I don’t! Smoking is disgusting.
“Sophie, I need your help with something personal.” I may be held captive by the woman who sees nothing wrong with secretly sterilizing billions of people, but she is also one of the foremost scientists on memory.
She heads over to the freezer. “It’s time to get to work.”
“This is important to both of us. I’ve been having problems with my memory. You probably haven’t noticed, because it doesn’t seem to affect my work in our lab.”
She whirls around. “What does this have to do with me?”
She has transformed into a super id, unless she lacked empathy in her previous life, too. For the first time, I can believe she’d try to take over my body. I struggle to maintain a civil tone. “Since we’ve been partners for some time, I assumed you’d care enough to help me figure out why it’s happening.”
She sucks on her cigarette so hard, the tip glows like molten lava. How could I ever have thought it smelled good?
“What are your symptoms?” she finally asks.
“I’m forgetting words, I’m not able to find my way to places I’m familiar with, and I can’t remember certain events. It sounds like Alzheimer’s, but I’m too young.”
Her cigarette stops a few inches from her lips. “Why did you bring up Alzheimer’s?”
“Given what I’ve been experiencing, it’s a possible diagnosis, but—”
“My neuroimaging results were supposed to be destroyed. How did you learn about me? Tell me! Who told you?”
My knees buckle as it all comes together. She knew she had Alzheimer’s, and she still allowed the Darwinians to implant her damaged memories and broken thoughts into a sixteen-year-old’s brain.
My brain.
The reality of what she knowingly did to me makes my stomach heave. I scramble to the wastecan and barely make it before throwing up. My memory problems aren’t because I’m tired, and no matter what Deborah says, the Darwinians can’t help me, because the only one who has any chance of curing Alzheimer’s is the woman who gave it to me.
I have to expunge her from my body. I never considered unmerging, but I refuse to spend the rest of my life with her deranged ideas. I’m already confusing her thoughts with mine. What will happen to me over time? I need this dream to end now.
“Wake up!” I yell out loud. I’m still in the lab. I try pinching myself hard, but it doesn’t work.
I watch as Sophie picks lint off her turquoise blue jacket with the over-sized shoulders. “You still haven’t answered my question. Who betrayed me?”
A terrible thought emerges. “Sophie, I just got sick, and then I was yelling to wake up. Yet, you’re not questioning why.”
“You try getting as far as I did—a woman researcher in those times—and see what kind of person you become.”
My chest feels like it’s being crushed by her admission. “Those times? Do you mean, back when you were young?”
She blinks rapidly. “It’s always been a man’s world, and in order to succeed, I needed to create my own rules.”
“You understand what’s really going on.”
“Of course I do. I am the one in charge.” She wrinkles her nose, grabs the wastecan, and sets it outside the door. When she returns, her lips are tightly pressed. “It’s
my fault. I’ve given you far too much latitude, and now you believe you have the right to question me. Starting now, you will do as I say.”
“I am asking for the truth. Are you aware you only live in my mind?”
Sophie looks at me with the intensity of a coiled snake.
Lightning bolts of pain fill my head, and I feel myself blacking out.
“Does she or does she not understand she’s been merged?” Cecil demands.
It may be because of the level of pain or my burning anger, but my thoughts are easier to sort through. Unlike the past week, there aren’t big holes when I recall this dream. I’m almost positive Sophie never admitted to knowing she only lives in my brain, but I know she made me question it. “I’m not sure.”
Deborah told me they heard me scream, and when they found me, I was writhing on the floor and bleeding from my nose. I don’t remember it. Now, I’m in the infirmary with electrodes attached to my head. I’ve never had a headache this painful, but they won’t give me anything to relieve it, since they’re still trying to determine its cause. And, they want to ensure my brain hasn’t been damaged. As Sophie had so callously explained, once that occurs, it’s permanent, and I will never be the same again. I’m not a violent person, but if she had a body I could be.
“I can’t imagine what you’ve been going through.” Deborah dabs the sweat from my forehead with a cloth.
“Don’t condone her actions,” Cecil snaps. “She’s a subject in a monumental, and extremely costly, experiment. Her decision to withhold vital information invalidates months of work.”
Waves of fury sweep through me. “My … my …” I hate what she’s done to my mind! “My purpose is to help Sophie continue her research, which is what I’ve been doing since I merged. And because of it, I’m losing myself to Alzheimer’s. How could you have let this happen?”
Deborah turns away, but not before I see her tear-filled eyes. Cecil, on the other hand, is showing no remorse, which shatters my last vestiges of control.
“Did you know Sophie had Alzheimer’s?” I yell.
“No!” Deborah looks horrified. “I never suspected.”
“We didn’t learn about it until after an autopsy was performed on Sophie’s brain,” Cecil explains.
“But you withheld that information from me and allowed me to believe my memory loss is temporary,” I accuse.
“We hadn’t concluded it wasn’t,” Deborah says. “We didn’t want to cause you undue stress until we had definitive answers.”
“We’ve been under the impression that Sophie is lucid in the dreamstate because you withheld information from us,” Cecil answers. “If we had known the truth, we would have approached your condition from an entirely different perspective.”
Cecil and I hold each other’s eyes, and my insides churn with conflicting emotions. I thought I was doing the right thing by giving Sophie time to assimilate to her new form of life. And, if Deborah can be believed, they thought they were right in shielding me. Stryker’s belief about the best of intentions may be truer than I thought.
I groan. It feels like a screwdriver is being driven into my right temple. Deborah grabs hold of my hand. She admitted to how close she was to Sophie, and Sophie said the evidence of her Alzheimer’s was destroyed. At least one person is responsible for intentionally implanting her diseased mind into mine. Was it Deborah? I slip my hand from hers and tuck it under the sheet.
“If Sophie isn’t aware she’s merged, then she created an array of plausible explanations to justify the abnormal world she lives in,” Cecil says. “And if she does realize it, we need to understand her motivation for wanting to make Lake believe she doesn’t understand what happened to her.”
I need to unmerge, but I can’t do it by myself. I have to rely on the Darwinians to perform the procedure—even though I’m no longer sure if I can trust any of them. A blast of fear hits me so hard I fold in half.
“There has to be something we can do to control her pain,” Deborah says.
“None of us ever imagined the human consciousness has this level of adaptability,” Cecil says. “Sophie came up with her idea to sterilize the population without any participation from Lake. It’s beyond our wildest expectations.”
“Cecil, a little compassion, please,” Deborah implores.
She helps me lie back onto the pillow and places a heating pad across my forehead. The warmth takes the edge off the pain, but I can’t stop shivering as I think through my options. I can’t keep Sophie in my head; her Alzheimer’s is eating away at my mind. But how can I trust that whoever is behind Sophie’s deception won’t sabotage my unmerging procedure to stop it from happening?
“We need to interview Sophie,” Cecil says. “I’ll prepare a list of questions I need you to ask her.”
I am not returning to her dreamspace. Sophie knows I don’t agree with her insane plan. If she’s only been acting confused, she has the ability to do to me what Marty’s Mentor did to him. Now I believe she’d do it. And if she truly doesn’t realize she’s been merged, it won’t be long before both of us forget who we are.
“I need to get her out of my mind. Now.”
“Possibly after we understand the situation we’re dealing with,” Cecil answers.
I have to make them unmerge me. There was a way. It was Orfyn’s idea, and I’m sure I wrote it down in my journal—the one I’ve not been able to find.
“Deborah, what happened to my journal?”
“You told me you misplaced it.”
“I don’t remember having that cable … cartoon … conversation.”
She smiles at me sadly. “Honey, there have been many conversations you don’t recall.”
Was there something in there they didn’t want me to remember, or am I being paranoid? It’s not only them I can’t trust; I no longer trust my own instincts.
“I’m not sure how long we can allow her to interact with Sophie,” Deborah says. “Lake’s mind is deteriorating more rapidly every day.”
This is the first time I’ve heard her admit it. Tremors rumble through me.
“That’s precisely why we need to begin the interview process immediately,” Cecil counters. “Think of the information we can glean.”
There’s no guarantee I’ll make it through the unmerging procedure—especially if the Darwinian who helped Sophie intervenes—but it’s my only chance to save myself. I sit up to be on eye-level with them. A wave of dizziness envelopes me. Deborah moves behind me and holds me up.
Once my head stops spinning, I say, “I refuse to be your lab rat while my symptoms progressively get worse.”
“You’ll do as we say, or else,” Cecil threatens.
“Or else what?” I make myself hold his eyes.
“We’ll never unmerge you. And as hard as it will be to watch, we will document every moment of your demise for the sake of science.”
Deborah says, “I want to discuss this with our superiors.”
I can’t tell if she’s on my side or theirs.
Panic tries to take hold, and I shove it away. I can do this without my journal. I have to. My life depends on remembering how we were going to force them to help Marty. I shut my eyes and rub my finger against the scar on my thumb while picturing my grandmother’s smile. My mind begins to unjumble, and I piece together the conversation we’d had in the van.
I hope Stryker can one day forgive me for this. “If you don’t unmerge me, I will kill Sophie.”
“That’s an impossibility,” Cecil says.
“Do you want me to test it?”
The Darwinians
“The possibility that Sophie would actually die is relatively low,” Richard says. “I recommend we have them prepare the interview questions.”
Dr. Price shakes his head. “I am not willing to take that risk.”
“You’re not seriously thinking of inserting Sophie into a prototype?” Sarah asks.
“The document
s Bat provided us validate the experience Kevin described. Plus, our best software developers and engineers have reviewed the specs and confirmed there is a high probability it will work.”
“Sophie would never agree to this,” she insists.
“I’d be able to talk to her again,” Dr. Price says. “See her face every day.”
Sarah erupts into a coughing fit and holds a handkerchief to her mouth. Red specks dot the cloth when she lowers it.
Richard says, “Sophie’s new direction is intriguing. We need to explore how it organically evolves with the benefit of a second human intelligence.”
“Which means continuing to keep her consciousness in Lake’s body,” Sarah says.
“You both have valid arguments, but ultimately it’s my decision.”
Richard leans forward. “Sir, if I could just add—”
“I’ll let you both know what I decide. In the meantime, are you certain the girl doesn’t remember the incident?”
“Her memory lapses have been too inconsistent to be sure either way,” Sarah says.
“This is not an issue,” Richard says. “We put someone in place to monitor her that next morning. And we had Deborah confirm it. The girl doesn’t remember seeing him being taken away.”
“I still can’t believe we lost Alex. You both assured me his condition wasn’t critical.”
“No one could have predicted that a psychosomatic event would be powerful enough to stop his breathing.”
“We were wrong,” Dr. Price says. “But it will be far more devastating if the Nobels learn about it.”
“Should any of them begin to suspect the truth, a course of action has been put in place,” Richard says.
They avoid each other’s eyes. Then Sarah clears her throat, letting out a wet noise. “One other thing. Please inform them that I want to begin the procedure immediately,”
“Surely you don’t want to put your niece at risk,” Dr. Price says. “On top of a deceased boy and a girl who has threatened to kill her Mentor, we have all those unresponsive subjects.”