by Darla Baker
“I’ve never understood how you can drink your coffee black.”
“Ahh, well, at this point, it’s definitely about the flavor. But when I started drinking it black, it was all about going low maintenance. It saves a lot of time and hassle just to pour the coffee and start drinking without all the fuss. It’s actually something Diane’s father taught me. And he was right.”
“Have you heard from Diane lately?”
“No, not directly from her. I did hear through a mutual friend that she’s in a new relationship and they’ve moved in together, so it must be serious.”
“How do you feel about that?”
Thalia laughs. “Should I call you ‘Pro’ now? I’m fine with it. More power to her if she’s brave enough to try again. She has more courage than I do.”
“I have no doubt if the right woman walks into your life, you’ll find your courage too.”
“You have more faith in me than I do. Besides, that’s not what I want. I’m enjoying the casual flings. I didn’t like being in a relationship. I spend day after day listening to couples struggle to hold on to their relationship. Life gets a lot less complicated when you separate friendship and sex. And less complicated means more happiness. Just like black coffee.”
“Well, Pro, you do have it all figured out then, don’t you?” Sammy’s voice is dripping with sarcasm.
“Sammy, honey, what’s going on with you? We’ve been friends, best friends, for a long time now. I’m worried about you, and so are Annie and Janice. The tears at the raft-up today are not like you. Have you received some bad news? Are you sick?”
Sammy slowly sets her coffee mug down. She places her elbows on the table and steeples her hands over her face, closing her eyes as if praying.
“When I started my second year of college, I had transferred from another school. I had grown up sheltered in a strict, radical fundamentalist home. The religious teaching I was raised with is the sort that leads to kids being shipped off to conversion camps. I know you’ve heard some of this before, but indulge me in my need for laying a foundation.”
“No problem, Sammy. I’m listening.”
“Thanks. So, the first college I attended was a strict religious school that left me as sheltered as my home life had been. But when I transferred to a public university, I was exposed to an entirely new world. Growing up, I knew I was a lesbian. So I compensated by being promiscuous. Isn’t that crazy? The radical fundamentalists find promiscuity and the prospect of spreading STDs and risking unwanted teenage pregnancies preferable to homosexuality. It blows my mind. Okay, so I’ll climb off my soap box now.”
Sammy smiles but her eyes only sparkle with tears ready to spill over onto her cheeks.
“So, my mostly subconscious strategy worked. News of my promiscuity spread and no one suspected I was a lesbian. Our pastor and my parents decided going to a private ‘faith-based’ college was best. With my reputation as a slut established, I was now free from being discovered as a homosexual.
“But private schools are very expensive. After the first year, my parents decided the cost of a public university was more palatable. So I transferred. Even though the school was close enough to home that I could have commuted, my parents felt that living on campus provided a better learning environment.
“I used to live in a campus apartment with three roommates. It was a two-bedroom apartment, and Suzie and I shared one of the bedrooms. Suzie was an all the way out lesbian, and I fell instantly and madly in love with her. What could be more perfect? I was sharing a bedroom with the love of my life, and she was more than willing to indoctrinate me into the world of women loving women.”
A tear escapes her eyelashes. “The problem was she was on a mission to indoctrinate every willing woman on campus. My delusion was shattered when I came home from class and found her in bed with another woman. Suzie just laughed and shrugged it off as no big deal.
“My heart was broken, my grades started suffering, and even worse, my parents and our pastor started asking me questions about Suzie and hinting that perhaps she’d made unwanted advances toward me, thus explaining my mood and my grades.”
The dogs start pawing and barking at Thalia to be let out, so Thalia takes this moment to ease a bit of the tension. She opens the screen door for the dogs and then turns to Sammy and asks, “Would you like another cup of coffee? I think I’m going to have one and also take a potty break while the dogs do their business.”
“Sure.” Sammy stiffens, showing her irritation at the interruption.
Thalia returns with two refills and the dogs lay back down on their respective throw rugs on the deck. “Sorry for the interruption. Continue.”
“I was terrified my parents or our pastor would discover my secret, so I figured it was time for another round of promiscuity. I started dating a guy I went to college with who also went to our church. I managed to engineer a situation where my mom caught us having sex in my room at the campus apartment. That was the end of the promiscuity and the end of my time at a public university.
“The next semester, I was shipped back to the private college having dodged the lesbian bullet once again. My heart had mostly mended over Suzie, and I was feeling pretty confident about my future. I wasn’t going to deny my sexuality to myself any longer, but I wasn’t going to come out either. I would simply be careful. Thalia, this next part I’ve not told anyone else before. And it isn’t going to be easy to hear.” Sammy’s voice cracks.
Thalia sees the tears stream down Sammy’s face and steps inside to retrieve a box of tissues. She positions her chair to face Sammy and Sammy does the same. With their knees now touching, Thalia takes Sammy’s hands into hers. “Take your time. I’m right here. I love you. You know that, right?”
Sammy nods. She then lets Thalia’s hands go long enough to wipe the tears from her face with the tissue. She sets the tissue on the table and grabs hold of Thalia’s hands again, steeling herself to tell the rest of the story.
“Since I’d already spent a year at the college, the transition back was relatively smooth. I had a new roommate, straight as an arrow, and we got along well enough. My classes were going well, and my grades were good. And then I missed my period.”
Thalia looks into Sammy’s eyes, encouraging her to continue.
“There were other signs, too. My breasts were swollen and sore. I was feeling more tired than usual. And I felt sort of bloated. So I gathered up my courage and bought a pregnancy test at the grocery store. I managed to use the test and found I was, indeed, pregnant without anyone in my dorm, including my roommate, finding out.
“Now what? I’m finishing my second year of undergrad, first step on my way to becoming a veterinarian. I’m a pregnant lesbian with absolutely no feelings of even friendship for the father of the baby. And my parents, as well as the students, faculty and administration of the college I’m attending, are all radical fundamentalists.” Sammy lets out a pained laugh as she describes and relives the hopelessness of the situation. With a frighteningly stoic expression, she continues.
“I did what any radical fundamentalist lesbian would do in this situation.
“I waited until I knew I’d have the dorm room to myself for a few hours.
“I blocked the door with a desk chair for extra security.
“I covered an area of the floor with plastic wrap.
“I took a wire hanger from the closet and bent it into a shape appropriate for the task.
“I poured rubbing alcohol over the hanger and my privates.
“I lay down on top of the area I’d covered.
“I inserted the hanger into me while holding my breath.
“The room went dark as the pain hit. I wasn’t prepared for the intensity. I couldn’t allow myself to scream, so I grabbed a nearby shoe, the only thing within my reach, and shoved it into my mouth. I moved the hanger around until I was sure the damage was done. And then I removed it.”
Sammy takes a sip of her coffee and realizes her enti
re body is shaking. She pulls her legs up onto the chair and wraps her arms around them. Thalia scoots closer to hold and soothe her with gentle strokes. Tears are streaming freely down Thalia’s cheeks.
“There was a lot of blood. And then the cramps began. I managed somehow to stand up and clean the room, placing the evidence of my horrific deed in a garbage bag. I got dressed, filling my underwear with washcloths, took the garbage bag outside and threw it in the dumpster. When I came back inside, I got myself into the shower and lay on the floor in a fetal position until the water turned cold, the blood pouring out of me, and flowing down the drain with each cramp.”
Sammy stops talking. She rests her head on her knees, still shivering, her shoulders shaking from the sobs.
Thalia wipes her eyes and blows her nose and then returns to holding Sammy.
“Oh, Sammy, I had no idea. I don’t know what to say. I wish you hadn’t gone through the pain all alone. I wish you hadn’t been raised in such a shitty environment where you felt that was your only option. I wish I could take all your pain away. I wish… I don’t know what I wish… I wish you hadn’t suffered.”
“I know. But I did. And it was a long time ago. Even though I’ve not told anyone the specifics, I have been through therapy, and I’ve really healed, as well as anyone could, both emotionally and physically, from the experience.”
Thalia leans back in her chair and processes what Sammy has just shared. “Like you said, this happened a long time ago. So what’s happened to reopen this old wound?”
“I knew you’d ask me that,” Sammy smiles and shakes her head. “You remember Amber, my last girlfriend?”
“Yes.”
“We dated for about three months, and it was going pretty well.”
“Yeah, I was cheering for you two. You seemed really happy and good together.”
“I thought so too. It was too early to start talking about the future. But one day, the subject of children came up. Amber wanted children. I can’t bear children, the consequences of my actions all those years ago.
“I know what you’re going to say. This is a lesbian relationship. I get it. And like Amber, you’re not going to understand my logic. When I found out I’d destroyed my ability to bear children, I made a vow I would never raise a child under any circumstances. Not as a second parent. Not as a stepparent. Not as an adopted parent. And I won’t break that vow. Amber’s not the first relationship it’s destroyed. And I’m sure it won’t be the last.”
“Okay. But it still doesn’t explain what happened to you today at the raft-up. You said yourself Amber isn’t the first relationship you’ve lost over the vow. So what happened today that was different?”
“When I stopped at the store to pick up the beer and wine for the raft-up, I ran into Amber. Thalia, she was showing! We broke up a little over nine months ago. She was there with her partner and she’s five months pregnant with twins. They seemed so happy, so in love. And it just hit me. I walked away from her. I’m afraid I’m going to run out of chances. What am I going to do?”
Thalia marvels at the brilliant colors of the sunset painting the sky over the lake, trying to sort out all the thoughts and feelings running through her head. “How do you feel about giving Annie and Janice a call and letting them know you’re okay, and you’ll bring them up to speed soon?”
“Are they really worried about me?”
“Of course, they are. They love you. And Janice is convinced it’s all her fault.”
“Could we maybe let Janice suffer just a little bit longer?”
“That’s my Sammy,” Thalia says with a snort.
“We’re going to find you a therapist to help you work on reevaluating the vow.”
“I wish I could work on it with you?”
“Me too, sweetie, but you can’t.” Thalia pats Sammy on the leg. “Now, let’s open the bottle of wine you brought and relax in the hot tub. We’re having a pajama party tonight!”
Following a long soak in the hot tub, and then a chat with Janice and Annie, they climb into bed and curl up with Sassy and Grace like a pack of puppies.
THEY STAYED UP well past midnight talking and laughing, discussing anything and everything except for the raw and emotionally charged events Sammy shared earlier.
Thalia rolls over to check the time on her phone and finds Sammy sleeping soundly, her arm around Grace. It’s nine o’clock—well past the time Thalia usually heads out for her daily kayaking excursion, even on the weekend.
Thalia gently climbs out of bed, trying not to disturb either Sammy or the dogs. It’s a miracle they let them sleep this long without begging to go out. Once Thalia’s feet hit the floor, no matter her stealth, the dogs will charge like a herd of buffalo down the stairs of the loft and stand at the door begging to be let out. Thalia just hopes Sammy will be able to go back to sleep following the commotion.
She opens the door for the dogs and makes a carafe of coffee, setting out the cream and sugar for Sammy. She decides on french toast and bacon for breakfast, knowing full well if the aroma of coffee doesn’t stir Sammy, the bacon will.
They sit down to breakfast and Thalia catches Sammy feeding a piece of bacon to the dogs.
“You’re spoiling them.”
“Oh, please! These dogs were spoiled long before I fed them a bit of bacon and you know it. They have you wrapped around their little paws, don’t you, babies? Huh, don’t you? Tell Auntie Sammy. Is mean old mommy depriving you of bacon?” Their tails are slapping the floor so hard Thalia wonders how they tolerate the sensation. They’re bouncing on their front paws trying desperately to mind their manners and not jump on Sammy. She rewards them with another piece of bacon.
“There is no doubt in my mind that you picked the right profession. I’m pretty sure my dogs would go home with you in a heartbeat if I didn’t prevent them.”
“They love you, and you know it.”
“Only because I meet their needs. They love you just because you’re you.”
“Pfft. What are your plans for the day?”
“Well, I may still head out in the kayak. I’m not sure. And I have a backlog of Ask Thalia emails to answer and blog. Other than that, I’m going to relax, probably read a book. What about you?”
“I’ll probably head over to the animal shelter and see if they need anything, spend some time playing with the dogs.”
“Sounds good.” Thalia sets her fork down and takes hold of Sammy’s hand. “I’m going to get in touch with a friend of mine on Monday. She’s a therapist, and I think she’ll be a good fit for you.”
Sammy looks down at Thalia’s hand on hers and reaches over to pat it. “Thank you. I promise I’ll give her a chance.”
“Good. You can still talk to Janice, Annie, or me anytime, as well. We’re here for you.”
“Thanks, Pro. I’ll be okay. Don’t worry.”
CHAPTER SIX
AS USUAL, RENÉ arrives at the office at least a half hour before Thalia does. She’s not complaining, though. René enjoys the quiet time before Thalia comes and the phones start ringing. It’s peaceful, and she can enjoy her coffee before the day begins, catch up on email and social media, and just ease into the day.
René and Derrick had a good time this weekend. They celebrated his promotion after the raft-up and even managed to work in a little ‘pickle tickle’ on Sunday morning before Derrick headed back. He wanted to get home early enough on Sunday to relax before he started his new job on Monday. Other than celebrating, they hadn’t talked about the promotion. In particular, they didn’t discuss how the promotion would affect the timeline for Derrick to move to Nancy to be with René. The original plan was for him to move there a year after René. That would give him time to take care of some family matters and find a job close to Nancy. But May had come and gone, and Derrick was still not ready to move. And now with this promotion, it’s looking less and less like Derrick will ever move.
Thalia walks through the door, her typical ball of energy, then drops
onto the sofa, and tosses her feet onto the coffee table with a loud thud. “So, sis, what’s my schedule for today?”
“Get those Skele-Toes off the furniture. They’re probably still wet from kayaking this morning.”
“You know me better than that. I didn’t kayak in these. They’re my dress Skele-Toes.”
“Oh geez. Like there could be any such thing.”
“Just because I don’t share your obsession for ridiculously impractical shoes does not mean I have poor taste in shoes.”
“You are absolutely correct.”
Thalia’s eyes widen.
“Your taste in shoes is horrible no matter the comparison. And before you go on sassing me, your first appointment today is at ten with Amara Liakos. Remember her? She’s coming in for her friend who is suffering from performance anxiety.” René holds her index finger out and then curls it down.
“None of my clients better ever see you do that, or we’ll be out of business.”
“Sorry.”
“You better be.” Thalia stands up. “I’ll be in my office. Let me know when she arrives.”
“Will do.”
THALIA SITS DOWN at her desk and logs into her computer. Her first task for the morning is to call her friend Dr. Lauren Masters in Lexington and talk to her about seeing Sammy.
“Dr. Masters’ office, how may I help you?”
“Hi, Shirley. It’s Thalia Chase. Is Lauren available?”
“Oh, hello, Thalia. Yes, she’s available. I’ll put you through.”
“Thanks.”
“Hey there. It’s been a while. What’s up?”
“Am I speaking to Dr. Lauren Masters, the famous radio psychologist of Lexington, Kentucky?”
“Oh, stop it. You’re just jealous.”
“You’ve got that right. Being famous has to be good for your love life.”
“You know I’m happily married.”
“Yes, I do. And that’s precisely why all that fame is wasted on you. I’d put it to much better use.”