by Darla Baker
“Charley, do you understand Robin’s reaction to you telling her that you don’t need sex, but you’re willing to put up with satisfying her need?”
Charley shakes her head. “Actually, no I don’t. I’ve told her this before. It’s nothing new.”
Robin looks at Charley with such sadness. “Charley, just because I’ve heard it before doesn’t make it hurt less. Is this about my MS relapsing? Have you stopped loving me?” Robin swallows hard and whispers, “Is there someone else?” Her volume increases. “Please, I’m begging you. I. Am. Begging. You. Tell me what’s going on. What are you feeling? What can I do to make you want me again? Charley, I’ll do anything. I love you so much. I want our relationship to be healthy and to be filled with love and intimacy. I want you to share your feelings without me having to ask for them only to have you tell me what you intend to do instead. How can this be so difficult? It makes me absolutely crazy.”
Thalia sits back and watches Charley’s face as Robin is pouring out her soul. Remind me never to play poker with Charley. “Charley, how do Robin’s words affect you?”
“Yes, Robin, I love you. No, this is not about your MS relapsing. No, there is no one else. I’m just not going to initiate sex with you. I’m just not. I don’t think about sex. It isn’t something I think about so it would never occur to me to initiate.”
Thalia asks, “Does your lack of sex drive bother you?”
“No.”
“Are you sure? Because I have clients who come to me for help when they lose their sex drive. It’s not uncommon, and we often work closely with a doctor to rule out or treat corresponding medical conditions.”
“I’m not going to talk to my doctor about my sex life. That’s private and personal.”
“Are you ashamed of sex or sexual desire?”
“I’ve told you. I don’t want to have sex.”
“Yes, and I heard you. That’s not what I asked. I asked if you’re ashamed of sex.”
“Thalia, if you’re going to badger me like Robin does, then I’m going to leave right now.” Charley starts to stand. “I don’t need this shit from either of you!”
“Sit down, Charley, please. I’m really just trying to understand. I’m sorry you feel I’m badgering you. That is not my intention. How did you two meet?”
Robin starts to respond, but Thalia gives her a look that tells her she wants Charley to answer the question.
“We met at church. Robin was recently divorced, and there was a Sunday school class at the church for single adults. Robin was always challenging the teacher about something in the bible, and I found her fascinating and really wanted to get to know her. So I asked her to go to lunch with me after church one Sunday, and we just started doing more and more things together until we were almost inseparable. If we weren’t at work, we were either together doing something or we were on the phone talking. We used to have marathon telephone conversations. I really enjoyed those because we got to know each other. Robin has such a sharp and witty mind.”
Thalia nods in agreement. “Nice. So how did your relationship turn from friendship to romantic?”
Charley winces. “Well, we’d been friends for about six months when I received an email from Robin telling me that she was in love with me, romantically.”
“How did you respond?”
“I didn’t. At least not at first. I deleted the email and didn’t call or see Robin for two weeks. Robin sent me emails, texts, tried to call, left me voice messages. But I completely ignored her. You have to understand, Thalia. I come from a strict religious background. I’ve been taught being gay is a sin. And I just wanted to be Robin’s friend. But if she had a romantic interest in me, what would happen if we were out together and someone saw the way she looked at me and thought we were a couple. I couldn’t handle that. And I have a lot of family who live nearby and are active in the community. What if word got back to my family that I was dating a lesbian or something similar? These were the thoughts screaming in my head. As soon as Robin told me how she felt, I felt dirty. Is that what you want to hear? Is that what you want to know? Lesbian sex is dirty and perverted, and I want no part of it!”
Thalia looks over at Robin expecting to see her sobbing. But instead, she’s stoic. She looks numb, tired, defeated.
“Is this how you felt then or is it how you feel now?”
Charley grabs a tissue from the box, wads it up in her hands, smooths it out, and wads it up again. She repeats this several times, clearly deep in thought. It’s so quiet in the room we can hear the second hand ticking on the wall clock. After a full minute and a half, Charley rapidly sucks in a lungful of air, and without taking her eyes off the tissue in her hands, she responds, “I’ve never stopped believing that.”
Thalia hears Robin sniff, but she doesn’t turn to look at Robin. She keeps her eyes on Charley. “That’s quite a revelation. It must take a lot of energy to continue in a romantic relationship with Robin for ten years and even legally marry her while feeling that way the entire time.”
“It hasn’t been easy.” Charley looks up at Robin and takes in the sight of her swollen and red eyes, tears still streaming down her face. For the first time since Charley entered the room, Thalia can see compassion on her face.
“I love you, Robin. And the thought of you being out of my life is devastating.”
Charley turns to speak to Thalia. “When she wrote me the email, Robin specifically said she couldn’t handle just being friends. She said it was too painful for her to be around me wanting more than just friendship. After two weeks of not having any contact with her, I couldn’t take it anymore. I had to see her. So I called her up and told her that I had given it a lot of thought, and I wanted a romantic relationship with her, too.”
“And did you share her romantic feelings?”
“No. I didn’t… I don’t want people to think I’m a lesbian.”
“That’s not the question I asked you. I get that you’re afraid to be gay. But I’m asking, did you have romantic feelings for Robin?” Thalia closes her eyes a moment to formulate her thoughts. “Let’s try coming at this from a different angle. I’m assuming you and Robin have consummated your marriage?”
Robin and Charley both nod.
“How does sex with Robin make you feel? Do you enjoy it?”
“I told you, I don’t want to have sex.”
“Yes, you did. And I heard you. I’m talking about the past, not the present or future. Let’s try this again. The first time you had sex with Robin, did you have an orgasm?”
“Yes.”
“On a scale from one to ten, how did it rate compared to any previous orgasms you’ve had either with a male partner or a female partner?”
“It was my first,” Charley states this fact with such stoicism, it’s almost hard for Thalia to wrap her head around what Charley had just confessed.
“You’re first? So are you’re saying that Robin is the only person to have ever given you an orgasm?”
“Yes.”
“And do you consistently achieve orgasm with Robin?”
“Yes.”
“Do you like the way an orgasm feels?”
“Yes.”
“Why do you think you never achieved an orgasm with any of your previous sexual partners?”
“I don’t know.”
Robin decides to chime in, having watched enough of this verbal tennis match. “Thalia, she’s a homophobic lesbian who happens to be my soul mate. And yes, I believe in that soul mate crap.”
Charley rolls her eyes at Robin. Her demeanor suddenly turns very sullen. She continues to play with the tissue in her hand. It’s virtually turned to powder at this point.
With a tight throat and barely enough air behind her words to make a sound, she says, “I can’t do it anymore.”
Thalia watches as tears begin to flow down Charley’s cheeks, the first signs of real emotion she’s displayed since she arrived. Thalia takes the ragged tissue from Charley and hands her
a new one.
“Charley, what can’t you do anymore?”
“Any of this. I can’t have sex with a woman. I can’t live with a woman. I can’t be married to a woman. I can’t be a lesbian any longer!”
Thalia stands up and motions Charley to trade seats with her again so that she can see both Robin and Charley. Robin is softly crying, but Thalia suspects she’s barely holding her composure after Charley’s declaration.
“Charley, what happened?”
The clock is ticking, already a few minutes past when the session should have ended. Charley sits in silence for so long Thalia is beginning to think she’s not going to answer. And then she speaks, her voice hoarse and nasally from the crying.
“I received a letter from my dad.”
“What did it say?”
“He has stage four colon cancer and the doctors told him he only has a few months to live.”
Robin gasps. “Why didn’t you say anything? When did he send the letter? What else did he say? I can’t believe you kept this from me!”
“I couldn’t bring myself to tell you. If I told you, it would be real. And I didn’t want it to be real. He sent it about two months ago.”
Thalia is as shocked as Robin by this revelation. There must be a tremendous amount of history between Charley and her father. And we’re not going to get to it today. But if he only had a few months to live and that was two months ago, then we needed to get to a good place today before this session ends.
Thalia rises and heads for the door. “I’m going to let René know that we’re going to extend this session for another hour. I don’t have another client coming in until after lunch, so we should be good. And we can’t leave things where they are now. Perhaps we should take a short break to get some water and use the restroom.”
BACK FROM THE break and once again seated in Thalia’s office, they resume the session. “Charley, that was quite the revelation you dropped on us. And Robin asked some important questions. Tell me more about your family and the dynamics and the content of the letter?”
“I’m an only child. My mother is still living, but she and Dad divorced when I was twelve years old. I lived with my mom growing up and saw my father during regular visitation. But once I was a junior in high school, I was too busy with friends and school activities to spend much time with Dad. Before the divorce, my dad and I were very close. I was more of a son to him than a daughter. I was more interested in traditionally male activities like hunting and fishing and working on cars. I had no desire for cooking or baking or sewing, the things my mom liked to do. The divorce wasn’t nasty or anything, and neither of my parents have remarried or even dated anyone else as far as I know. I wouldn’t even say that my dad and I drifted apart. I still feel close to him. I’m just not the sort of person that hangs out with her parents.”
“So, how did they take the news that you’re a lesbian and ultimately, married to Robin? Was Robin the first woman lover your parents met?”
“I dated boys in high school and college and was even engaged for a while. But I broke it off and didn’t date anyone until I met Robin. It was about two years after Robin and I got together before my parents figured out that she was more than just a friend. They found out totally by accident in a very embarrassing way. Robin and I had been on a trip, and I had asked my mom to come by the house and check on our cat and bring in our mail. On the day we arrived home, we brought in our luggage and unpacked. We were hungry and tired from the trip, so we decided to order pizza for delivery. While we were waiting for the pizza to arrive, Robin started making out with me on the sofa, and it had gotten far enough that I was naked from the waist up. We didn’t notice that my mom had entered through the front door and caught us in the act, so to speak.
“My mom let out a sound that was close to a scream and then turned on her heels and ran back out the front door nearly knocking over the pizza delivery guy. I quickly threw on my shirt and rushed out after her. But she was in her car and driving away before I could reach her. I went back into the house and tried to call her cell phone, but she wouldn’t pick up. Mom called dad and told him what she’d witnessed, and he called to tell me how disappointed he was and that I should see his pastor. We didn’t speak to each other for about six months after that.”
“And what broke the silence?”
“Nothing in particular. My mom just called one day and invited us to her house for dinner. We accepted the invitation, and when we went to dinner, she treated us as she always had, like we were friends, as if she’d erased what she’d seen from her mind. The same thing happened with my dad. He asked us to go fishing with him one day, and it was like nothing ever happened.”
“Interesting. So that was, what, seven years ago? So when the laws started to change, you and Robin decided to get married in Massachusetts, right?”
“Well, Robin decided to get married, and I went along with it.”
“Wow, honey! I’m sitting here beaten and bloody from all of this, and you just can’t stop throwing punches at me.”
“I’m sorry. But that’s how I felt about it.”
“Okay… Robin… Charley, we’ll come back to that. Let’s get through this first. So your parents know you’re married to Robin, right?”
“Yes, they know. But they don’t accept the marriage as valid in the eyes of God. So they ignore it. Once we started speaking again after that incident, our relationship has been pretty much the same. They’re nice enough to Robin. But they don’t acknowledge her as my spouse. And neither my mom nor my dad has said anything about our relationship until I got the letter from him two months ago.”
“And can you tell us what was in the letter?”
“I can do better than that. I can read it to you.”
Charley reaches into the back pocket of her jeans, then pulls out a crumpled envelope and removes the letter. She clears her throat and then begins to read, her hands and voice tremble as she proceeds.
My Dearest Charlene,
I know we haven’t taken the opportunity to truly talk over the past several years. The way your mom and I handled the situation with you and Robin wasn’t our finest moment. And the years of closeness we lost as a result is something I’ll always regret.
I won’t beat around the bush here. I’m writing you to let you know I’m dying. I have stage four colon cancer. It has spread to my stomach, pancreas, and liver and there isn’t a viable treatment option. I just found out a couple of months ago, and it’s my fault for letting it get this far. I ignored my doctor’s requests for regular colon screenings. I ignored the symptoms until it was too late. The doctors give me about three months to live.
I’ll be going into a hospice facility soon. But before I get to the point where I’m so drugged up I can’t communicate, I wanted to write to you and tell you how sorry I am that I’ve let this conversation go unspoken for far too long.
Charlene, honey, you know I love you, and I’ve always tried to support you in anything you’ve chosen to do. But this thing with Robin, I just cannot support. It is a sin in the eyes of God, and if you don’t repent, you are going to go to hell. And as I approach my death, I can’t bear the thought of dying knowing that I will not see you again in heaven.
Your mom and I have discussed this as well, and we’re in complete agreement. Our pastor has recommended a therapist in Lexington, who’s had tremendous success with helping people like you find their way back to God and away from your current lifestyle. Your mom and I met with him and explained your situation, and he’s very confident that he can heal you. And he would also like to have Robin see him as well. It would improve your chances for success if both of you were working toward getting right with God together. Your mom and I care about Robin’s soul, too.
We’ve made an appointment for you to meet with the therapist next Monday at nine a.m. We have made arrangements to pay for the sessions, and we expect you to be there. We’ve done the same for Robin. Her appointment is on Wednesday, also at nine a
.m.
We’ve also purchased a house for you down the street from your mother’s so that you and Robin will not be tempted to return to your sinful ways by living in the same house.
Your mother has all of the details for the therapist and the house. Please, Charlene, don’t defy me on this. It is too important for your soul, and I can’t bear the thought of going to my grave knowing you will burn in hell for all eternity.
Love,
Dad
Robin is the first to speak when Charley finishes. “It all makes sense now. You went to the appointment, didn’t you?”
Charley nods.
“Wow. It was after that appointment that things between us started going downhill. God, Charley, if you’d only told me. I’m so freakin’ pissed at you right now. How can you believe that crap your dad is spewing? Honey, you are a lesbian. And no preacher or therapist or parent can pray the goddamned gay away!”
“Stop saying that! I am not a lesbian. I’ve never, not once in ten years, wanted to be in a romantic relationship with you. You pressured me into this, into all of this. And I’m done!”
Charley jumps up off the sofa and barrels out the door leaving Robin and Thalia staring at each other stunned.
“I was not expecting this. Charley really needs therapy. And not from some quack conversion therapist in Lexington.”
Robin drops her chin to her chest and stares at her hands folded in her lap clutching a drenched and tattered tissue.
“Can you fix this?”
Thalia rises and walks over to the window of her office. The light traffic is moving through the center of town, the people in the cars oblivious to the utter carnage of the soul that has just taken place in this office.