“I am sure he has women friends you don’t even know about,” I insisted. “Besides I am not interested in marrying anyone. As I told you, I will be going on to Oregon in the spring. The Indians tried to get me to marry one of their tribe members, and had I done that, I would have remained there.”
I paused, trying to bolster my bravery, knowing I would have to tell my aunt sometime, so why not get it over with, I told myself.
“I know this may come as a shock to you,” I began, “only I might as well confess. I hate to break it to you co crudely, but I am going to be having a baby. Therefore, no man will wish to marry me, so you need to get thoughts of me finding some nice man to take care of me, out of your head.”
“What?” my aunt almost screeched. “Don’t tell me it is a heathen baby!” she bellowed.
“What else would it be? I was with the Indians for a year. One of them took me, and that is why I wish to wear a more flowing dress.”
“You let a heathen touch you?” Aunt Kelly gasped in disbelief.
“Yes. I know you don’t understand, but the Indians are not as modest as we are. They sleep with no clothes on, and bathe together. I was lucky they did not take me as a slave and used me as they pleased. But the father of my child was killed, so I could not marry him, or I would have. The one who wished me to become his wife, was the one who sent me away because I refused to marry him. I would have married him, had he not insisted on taking a second wife as well.”
“Two wives, and you were considering marrying one of those heathens? What has come over you, Vanessa? I don’t even know you anymore! I wonder if I should even trust you in my house, and what is going to happen when you actually have that half-breed bastard?”
“I will be leaving shortly after. You won’t have to deal with the scandal for long. Once I get close to having it, and it is obvious I am with child, I will remain indoors. Even after I have it, I will not bring it out where people can see it and judge me. Then I will leave and you can forget all about me.”
“What will your parents say? This is most unusual! And to think I was hoping to encourage Elliot to get interested in you. I can see now that was remiss on my part! You shall have to inform him of your condition, so he doesn’t make the mistake of thinking you are available!”
“I plan to tell him, and have not tried to encourage him. However, for you to make the choice as to whether he remain my friend or not, is not up to you. I believe it is up to him.”
“Mercy me! If there was another place for you to go, I would suggest it, but I suppose I am obligated to give you shelter since you are family. I just don’t like it, Vanessa. I can tell you that!”
“I am sorry that I am bringing you the humiliation of having me as your niece. I never thought I would be leaving that tribe. Every time I tried to escape I was caught and brought back, so I hadn’t thought about the shame I might bring on my family because I was with people who had different customs than we have. I know it was wrong of me for what I did, and I have no defense.”
“Apparently, they have turned you heathen, the same as them,” Aunt Kelly stated, and turned her back, going into the kitchen to fix lunch.
Only I had suddenly lost my apatite and did not wish to face my aunt over a meal. I probably shouldn’t have come, I thought. It wasn’t fair to my aunt for me to put her in that position. I just didn’t know any other place to go. I had no money, so what else was left to me, I wondered.
I tossed my package on the bench in the entry hall and returned to the front door, leaving the house. I almost felt like heading back to Dakota territory, only I had no way to get there, and no supplies to bring with me. I was stuck here, the same way I had been stuck in Shadow Hawk’s village, but in this case, I wasn’t wanted. I wasn’t even wanted by Shadow Hawk any longer either, I had to admit. No one was going to accept me. If I showed up in Oregon with a little Indian papoose, my own family may turn me away, I thought sadly. I would be shunned by everyone, including Shadow Hawk, if he knew I was having Running Wolf’s child. My future looked bleak.
I was just walking aimlessly, trying to figure out what I should do, and nothing was coming to mind. I felt someone grab my arm, and I looked up.
“Where are you going?” Elliot asked. “I thought you were having lunch with your aunt?”
“I just needed some air,” I mumbled.
“You have been out having the air all morning. I don’t believe you. Your face looks stricken, and I can see you are on the verge of tears, so what has happened?”
“My aunt and I had a disagreement,” I shrugged. “She doesn’t really wish me to stay at her house, but since I am family, she has no choice. I just feel I am being a burden on her, but I have no other place to go.”
“That seems strange. I always thought your aunt was a generous woman. She often gives free piano lessons to children who can’t afford the price.”
“I am sure she is very kind in many ways. However, the situation is a little strained, and she has made it quite clear that she does not like the idea of me remaining in her home.”
“Why would she do that? You are her niece. I know she was upset that you were with the Indians, but now that you are dressed all proper and look like a regular person, why would she be upset?”
“When I tell you, you will feel the same way. She wanted me to become better friends with you, but when I told her the truth, she was angry that she even suggested you take me for strolls when she is teaching. I don’t blame her. I won’t blame you when you think better of being with me.”
“Don’t keep me in suspense, then. Please tell me the problem and allowt me be the judge as to how I will respond.”
“Remember how I told you about Shadow Hawk, and how he wanted me as his woman? Eventually, I was put in a compromising position with him, and ended up carrying his child. When Shy Dove stabbed me and I lost the child, I was told I could not have another. Shadow Hawk informed me that he would still take me as his wife, only he wanted a second wife to give him children. I rebelled against the idea, and left his teepee.
“It was then, that Running Wolf came to watch over me, and now I am carrying his child. I told you I would have married Running Wolf, only Shadow Hawk had forbidden it. Out of rebellion, I let Running Wolf have me, and shortly after that, Running Wolf was killed. Shadow Hawk was angry that Running Wolf was asking me to become his woman, even though he was the one who told Running Wolf to watch over me. That is the real reason he sent me away. Even he would shun me, if he discovered I was having Running Wolf’s child.
“So now, not only my aunt believes me to be heathen, but I could never go back to the Sioux either, without having to see the pain I have caused Shadow Hawk as well. I am not fit for either culture. I shame my aunt, and I shame Shadow Hawk. I even shame myself, but I am glad I am having Running Wolf’s child. I thought I couldn’t have children, and now, I have discovered I can, not that it matters any longer. No respectable man would ever have me, since I willingly laid with an Indian brave, and produced a child by him.”
Elliot was quiet. I knew that he was trying to think of the best way to reject me, without seeming rude. He took my arm and started walking beside me, not saying anything. Finally after a couple of blocks, he spoke.
“I am sorry you are in the fix you are in,” he murmured. “I know there is nothing you can do about it, and nothing your aunt can do about it. There is nothing I can do about it either, but that does not mean I would shun you.
“You have had a harrowing experience. You tried to escape, to no avail. You were drawn into the Indian way of living, and I can’t fault you for that. Had you become a slave of the Indians, the outcome may have been the same. I know you blame yourself, but nothing can change it now. You are going to have to be strong, Vanessa. You have been strong, so far, so don’t cave in now.”
“I am sorry you have been drawn into this,” I murmured, looking away.
“I wanted to be your friend. I insisted I take you shopping and keep you comp
any. Nobody drew me into this. I drew myself in. I appreciate that you are being honest with me. I will remain your friend, because you need a friend. Your aunt will just have to face the fact that she is the only one you have to rely on right now. Only once you join your family, what will happen? Do you know how they will take the news?”
“I’m not sure. I will write my parents and let them know I am still alive. Then I will just have to wait and see what they say when I tell them the truth.”
“Well, since you did not have lunch with your aunt, and you need your strength, you are just going to have to suffer with my company some more, while I take you to eat lunch,” he smiled. “Just put this all out of your head for now.”
I managed a smile. Elliot was being kind, but I knew he was only remaining my friend out of a feeling of obligation, because he had encouraged it in the beginning. Had he backed down, and then had to see me on the occasions he shared breakfast with my aunt, and helped her out around her house, it would have caused even more friction. He was trying to be a gentleman, I decided. I didn’t expect him to encourage the same kind of close friendship he had suggested earlier that day. I appreciated his kindness though, not making a big issue of anything, but I knew when he returned me back to my aunt’s house, he probably would not encourage me to spend a lot of time with him.
I thought about my family and how they were going to take the news of me bringing a child with me, when I came next spring. I wondered if they would welcome my child? Even if it were not part Indian, I was still having it out of wedlock. How would they explain it to their friends? How would my parents respond to their own grandchild?
I thought about Jessie getting married to Bessie Sue, and how he may be giving my parents a grandchild by now. Would they give his child more attention than the one I soon would have? Would my child feel like an outcast, the way I was starting to feel? Was it fair to subject my child to rejection by its own grandparents? I was torn as to whether I even wanted to return to my family. Only no matter where I went, it would be the same. People would either pity me because they suspected an Indian had raped me, or they would shun me if they believed I went to one willingly.
I tried to smile, as we were shown a table by the attendant at the Black Crow’s Tavern House, an old building, built back in the 1700’s out of bricks that were once used for ballast in merchant ships. He pulled the chair out for me, and the attendant handed me the menu. I scanned over it, but could not focus on what to order.
“Let me order for you,” Elliot finally said, when he saw that I couldn’t make up my mind. “Their steak, I hear is the best around,” he informed me.
I had eaten buffalo meat with the Indians so this appealed to me, and I nodded, and when the attendant appeared, Elliot gave him our order.
We sat waiting for our food to be prepared. I felt nervous, and Elliot seemed quiet. After the long conversation we had had at the river bank, when Elliot was so anxious to hear of my adventures, it made me feel he was withdrawing from me, but I couldn’t blame him. He seemed deep in thought, so I did not try to disturb him.
Eventually, the meal was served, and we ate in silence, only interrupted by comments on how good the food tasted, and then we rose to leave. I followed Elliot out of the tavern, and we continued down the street.
“I hope your aunt is not worrying about you,” Elliot mumbled, giving me a sideways glance. “Does she know you left her residence again?”
“I haven’t the slightest idea, if she knows, or if she worries. She said some harsh things to me, making me feel most unwelcome to remain at her home, but I have no choice but to stay there. I just hate making her feel obligated to keep me in her home. If I knew where Hudson was, I would insist he take me with him, but going back to the Sioux would be no better,” I admitted. “I just wish I could go home to my farm,” I started to sob, and then I stood still.
“Why not?” I said, as a smile started to stretch over my face. “The farm still belongs to us. It is just shut up. I could go there!”
“What are you talking about?” Elliot asked.
“We have a farm about ten miles from here, further inland. It has been handed down in our family for generations. I hadn’t even thought if it, but I could stay there. I don’t have to stay with my aunt!”
“How can you stay at a farm all on your own? What would you use to eat, if the place is all closed up?”
“It is spring. I could grow a garden. I believe there are some preserves stored there, which we couldn’t take with us when we left. Everything was left behind except for what we needed to have to start a new farm in Oregon. We sold all the livestock, but if I could get a few chickens, and maybe a cow, I could survive.”
“You have no money. How are you going to get those things?”
“The lady at the shop we went to, said she was interested in my Indian dress. I have two of them. That will get me a little money to buy a few supplies with,” I suggested, as I started to feel hopeful again.
I knew I would never sell the dress I made, and I felt bad about selling the dresses Little Flower made for me, but I decided it was the only way I could leave my aunt’s home, and feel secure. I would be in my own home, a place that felt familiar to me. I wouldn’t have to go to Oregon. I could remain at my own farm, and just raise enough food to get by on. I could raise my child there, and not worry about anyone shunning me, or disapproving of what I did. It was the only answer to my dilemma. Suddenly, my future looked bright again, as I smiled happily at Elliot, across the table from me.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
I sat on the seat of the wagon that Elliot used to haul his wood in, when he delivered it to his customers. The pervious days were spent in preparing for this trip. I had written my parents and told them that I had not drowned, and that I had returned to Missouri with a trapper headed in that direction. I only mentioned briefly that an Indian had saved me, and that Hudson had been staying at the Indian village and offered to bring me back to Missouri. I did not mention anything about expecting a baby, because they most likely would not come back to Missouri for a long time, so what difference did it make, I thought. If Aunt Kelly told them, that would be up to her, but I didn’t want to add to their worries.
I explained to them that I had a friend who was willing to help me with the farm, but that wasn’t entirely true. Elliot offered to take me to my farm, but of course, had no intentions of remaining there to help me with it. I sold the dresses to buy some supplies with, and some chickens. Elliot bought me a cow and said we could square up later, when I was in a better position to do so. He promised to come and check on me when he could, to make sure I was doing well, but once the snows started, he very likely would not be able to come out. However, by then, my baby would have been born, and the farm produce could, in all probability, see me through the winter.
Elliot seemed worried to leave me there on my own, but I explained to him I had been raised on that farm. I just needed to do enough to keep myself alive, so I didn’t require anyone to watch over me.
“I will come and stay on a spell before the baby is due, in order help you with things,” he told me. “You should have a midwife. Do you wish me to bring one with me?”
“Indians go out all by themselves to give birth to their babies. Even their husbands cannot help them. So I am sure there is nothing to it. I don’t need some stranger spreading the news that I gave birth to a half-breed,” I insisted.
“You can’t stay by yourself forever,” Elliot complained.
“I don’t need anyone. Anytime I have expected someone to help me, it has not turned out well. I would rather face life on my own than have to bow to someone else’s wishes.”
“I see you intend to be stubborn,” Elliot mumbled.
The wagon continued along the trail it had been following for that last couple of hours, pulling the cow that was hitched to the back, along with it. I knew we were approaching the farm, and I could not wait to get my first glimpse of it, once we reached the top of the ri
se.
Aunt Kelly seemed relieved that I was leaving her house, even though she scolded me for trying to live on my own when I was due to give birth. Elliot promised her he would check on me often to make sure I was faring well. She begrudgingly gave me some money to help buy more supplies, and I thanked her for allowing me to stay with her, as long as I had.
“I’ll stay the night, to help you get settled in,” Elliot stated, as we approached the rise. “I don’t want you to argue with me about it. I know you want to do this all on your own, but your farm has been shut up for over a year, and there is too much to do for just you to accomplish. I told you I wished to be your friend, so you had better allow me to act like a friend.”
“You are just as stubborn as I am,” I told him, with a half smile. “I do appreciate everything you have done for me, and to prove it, once we get there, and get things straightened out a bit, I will bake you an apple pie!”
“I will be looking forward to it,” Elliot smiled, looking over at me, sitting beside him on the bench.
“There it is,” I breathed, as we crested the rise of the hill, and we could see my farm huddled down in the valley below, looking just the way it had when I had left it. I couldn’t wait to reach it. It felt like coming home. I was coming home!
When we reached the yard, I was eager to jump down and head for the house. I didn’t even wait for Elliot to help me, as he brought his wagon to a stop, in front of the house. When I got to the door, I found the key we kept above the seal, and opened it. The house was dark because all the windows had been boarded up. It smelt musty, but it was home. It was where I wanted to be. I vowed I would never leave this place again!
I felt a hand on my shoulder, and I looked up to find Elliot standing beside me. “I hope you do not regret this decision,” he murmured. “I’ll go put the cow in the barn, and then pry the wood off of the windows. Do you have a hammer?”
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