“How old are you anyway?” I asked, wondering why I had never asked him that before.
“Twenty five,” he told me.
“You are eight years older than I am,” I informed him.
“I didn’t realize you were that young,” he murmured. “You seem so mature.”
“I don’t know that I would feel comfortable with you attending the birth of my child. Even the husbands of Indians, are told to wait outside the place where the woman goes to have her baby, and allow her to deliver it on her own.”
“Like I told you before. You are not an Indian, and neither am I. I intend to be there for you, if you need my help, since you refuse to let me bring a midwife.”
“I can see you are not going to listen to me,” I frowned.
“I have listened to you in everything else, but there are a few things that I don’t think even you are prepared for, so we will just have to see what happens when the time comes.”
“Very well, but I am sure I can do it on my own,” I persisted.
However, Elliot had been right. I was not prepared, when the time came.
Elliot had just come in from his evening chores, and I was supposed to be fixing dinner, but I kept feeling nagging pains in my stomach. I thought I had just overdone it, because I had been arranging the nursery earlier that day, feeling restless and needing something to use up the energy.
The pains became so sharp at times, that I found myself sitting down, and taking in my breath. Then it dawned on me. These were the signs that I was getting ready to have my baby.
“You don’t look very well,” Elliot said, as he came closer to me, where I was sitting at the kitchen table.
“I don’t feel very well either,” I mumbled. “I think I am about to have my baby,” I added.
Suddenly, Elliot was at my side. “Are you having pains?” he asked.
I nodded.
“How far apart are they?” he prodded.
“I have no idea. I just know they keep coming every once in awhile, and keep getting more painful.”
“I better take you upstairs,” he said, lifting me out of the chair and heading for the stairs with me. “We need to take your clothes off and get you in bed. I will get a pan of water, and some towels, and one of the baby blankets you made. Where are your sewing shears?”
“Whatever do you need my sewing shears for?” I asked, and then caught my breath because another pain was upon me.
“To cut the cord with,” he informed me. “You do know there is a cord attached to the baby when it is born.”
“No, I hadn’t thought about it,” I said.
“Haven’t you ever watched kittens or puppies be born?” he asked.
“Well yes, I suppose you are right,” I said remembering when the cat had kittens, and she had chewed the cord in two, after the kitten was delivered. “It was rather disgusting. She ate the after birth,” I told him.
Elliot laughed. “Don’t worry about that. I talked to the doctor, and he has informed me on what to do. I just hope you don’t have any complications I can’t handle.”
“What did the doctor think when you started asking him about women delivering babies,” I asked him.
“I told him my wife was going to have a baby, and we lived too far out for a doctor to come, so I wanted to know what to do, if I couldn’t find a midwife to deliver the baby.”
“Oh,” is all I said. He was certainly acting like a doting husband, I smiled to myself.
Then another pain overwhelmed me, and he placed me onto the bed, pulling my dress up over my head, once I was on the bed.
“You don’t have any under things on,” he said almost in amazement.
“Indians don’t wear anything under their clothes. I just got used to it,” I told him.
He threw the sheet over me, and left the room to get the things he told me he needed. By the time he returned, I was screaming in pain, and gasping for air.
“Just try to stay calm,” he encouraged.
“How can I stay calm? I am about to push a little person out into the world, and it seems to want to rip me open in the process!”
“You will do just fine,” he tried to sooth.
“No I won’t! I hadn’t realized it would hurt this much,” I panted, in between pains.
Elliot was placing towels around me, as he lifted my legs and bent my knees. “I need to see if I can feel the head,” he told me, “So don’t get upset when I touch you.”
“Why do you need to do that?” I asked.
“To see how close it is to being born. I don’t want you to start pushing before it is ready. Then it could cause problems.”
“Don’t you think a woman knows when it is time to push and when it isn’t? Women have been having babies for thousands of years. What do men know about it anyway?”
“Men who are doctors, and have experienced delivering babies during their career, should know something, don’t you think?” he responded.
“But you have never delivered a baby before,” I accused.
“You are one to talk. You said you could do this all by yourself! You have never had a baby before!”
I didn’t respond because I was crying out again, grasping Elliot’s hand and squeezing it in sheer agony.
“It won’t be long,” he told me. “I think I can see the head. Maybe a couple more pushes. Do you feel like pushing?”
“Anything to end this!” I cried.
In the end, it wasn’t just a few more pushes, it seemed to take forever, and by the time I did manage to push the head out, I was too tired to even feel relieved. With the next push the rest of my new son emerged, and Elliot was cutting the cord, tying a string around it, and wiping the baby with a damp cloth. He gently wrapped my new son in the blanked he had chosen, then placed it in my arms.
“You have a fine son,” he said. “Let it nurse,” he encouraged, like he was an old hand at this.
“Elliot,” I breathed. “Look at him. Have you ever seen anything like it before?”
I was gazing at my little papoose with his dark downy fur hair, and light blue eyes that contrasted with his mellow bronze skin.
“To tell you the truth, I haven’t,” he said softly, as he kissed my forehead. “This has been the most rewarding experience I have ever had in all of my life. What do you plan to call him?”
“Elliot Running Wolf,” I smiled.
I had not expected to name my baby after Elliot, but I realized without him, I would have been here all alone having my baby. I owed him more than just naming my child after him.
“I am honored you are calling him after me,” he breathed, and then he kissed the baby’s forehead.
Elliot continued to take care of me while I nursed my child, which caused the afterbirth to be delivered. Then he was gently cleaning me up, and placing towels between my legs to absorb the blood.
I realized that a subtle bond had started to form between us. I think that maybe it had started the moment Elliot had suggested he stay at the farm as my hired help. I just hadn’t paid attention to it until now. As I nursed my new-born baby, I watched Elliot bustling around the room, taking care of the soiled towels, removing the pan he had put the after birth in, and then leaving the room. I was overwhelmed with gratitude towards him.
Later, he came and put my sleeping child in the crib that was next to my bed, and then he was washing my body off, and placing a clean nightdress on me. As he smoothed the cloth over my body, I recalled the times that Shadow Hawk had bathed me, but none of those times could compare to what Elliot was doing for me now, I thought.
Elliot remained in the room, late into the night, and when I woke to feed little Elliot Running Wolf, he was there to hand me the baby.
“You can’t sit up all night beside my bed,” I told him.
“I want to stay,” he smiled. “This miracle of life has touched me so much, I can’t take my eyes off of you or your child,” he breathed.
“Then come lay beside me, if you must remain
,” I told him, moving to give him a place to lay on the bed.
“You sure?” he asked. “I don’t want to disturb your sleep.”
“You won’t disturb me. If you remain in the chair, it will disturb me,” I insisted.
“Very well,” he agreed, and I could feel the bed depressing as he laid down beside me. It had been a very long time since I had a man lying beside me, and I thought about all those times I had lain beside Shadow Hawk, and he had placed his arms around me.
“Hold me,” I murmured, bringing Elliot’s arm over my stomach. “I want to thank you for all you have done for me, Elliot. I don’t know how I am ever going to repay you.”
“You don’t need to repay me. This is payment enough, just knowing you and your child are healthy, and I was a part of bringing your child into the world.”
“You have been so kind to me, Elliot. I fear I have just taken you for granted.”
“Don’t worry about it. I wanted to stay here and help you. The first moment I saw you all dressed up in your Indian costume, I knew I wanted to get to know you better. Now I believe I know you completely.”
“Yes,” I murmured. “You know me better than most.”
I realized that he was right. He did know me completely. Even though he had never kissed me or touched me intimately. He understood me in a way others could never understand me. He had not tried to change me, or insist we did things his way. I remember how I never wanted to marry, because I didn’t want a husband telling me what I could or couldn’t do. Even Shadow Hawk tried to bend me to his will, which just made me rebel, even though I had loved him. Elliot had merely been my friend, without expecting anything in return.
Suddenly, I turned to Elliot and faced him.
“Don’t you ever want to get married to someone and have your own children?” I asked. “If you remain here taking care of me, you may miss your chance to have a family of your own.”
“I have a family of my own, already,” he smiled. “You are my family, and now I will be here to help you raise your son, if you will allow me to help you.”
“You would want to stay, just remaining my hired help?”
“I was hoping what Running Wolf was hoping, that perhaps somewhere along the way you would learn to love me,” he whispered.
I gave a shiver. “I already love you, Elliot, but not in the way you are hoping for,” I said, burying my head against his chest. “I am not fit for you to love, Elliot. I have let two different men take me, and I let them do it willingly. You deserve someone better than me.”
“You let me worry about what I think I deserve, and stop being so hard on yourself. I’ll give you time. We have all winter to work this out, since I won’t be able to make it into town to sell my wood, once it snows.”
“I don’t deserve a friend like you,” I complained.
“But you have me, Vanessa. You have me, and there is nothing you can do about it now.”
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
The warm days turned into cool days, and soon winter was upon us. Elliot and I shared the glories of hovering over my infant son. I would often find him holding little Elliot Running Wolf, and rocking him, even when he wasn’t crying. It was as though neither of us could get enough of marveling over this brand-new life, I had brought into the world. Each day, I could see more and more of Running Wolf’s face in the features of my son, and I thought about Running Wolf’s mother, thinking I should bring her grandson to show her, even if I didn’t go to Oregon, like I had planned. I would have to talk to Elliot about it, I thought.
I found myself relying on Elliot’s advice. More and more, and I wanted his input on how things should be done around the farm. He had lived on a small potato farm in Ireland, so he knew a little about farming the land and had many good ideas we put to use.
For the first few weeks, after my son had been born, Elliot had lain beside me at night in my bed, helping me in any way he could. In the mornings, he would carry me out to the outhouse, and the day after my child was born, he brought me to the bath house and placed me in the tub, filling it with warm water and bathing me gently. Then he wrapped me in a towel and brought me back to my room. Once I could get around on more easily, Elliot returned to his own bed, and I missed him at night, but I never invited him back in my bed because I thought it would be improper to do so.
As winter settled around us, we spent a lot more time together, playing the piano, reading, playing checkers, and talking. And all that time, Elliot always treated me with complete respect. He never even tried to kiss me. He was merely there for me, to keep me company and to do whatever I asked of him. I felt comfortable with him, but there was no magical spark, the way I had felt with Shadow Hawk.
I often thought about the fact that I was keeping Elliot from living his own life, and getting married so he could start a real family. Only every time I thought about him leaving me, I knew I would miss him too much. I realized it wasn’t fair of me. Just like Running Wolf, I was using his good nature for my own comfort, without offering him what he really craved. It took the death of Running Wolf for me to realize his true character, and I wondered why I could not give myself to Elliot completely, and learn to love him the way he hoped I would.
I knew why. I could still not put Shadow Hawk behind me. He haunted me in my dreams, and filled my thoughts during the day. He owned a piece of me that I could not shake off, and until I could, I knew that Elliot would never have my whole heart, even if I pretended to love him the way he wished I would.
Before we knew it, spring was upon us, and we were both busy planting and preparing for the next season. Elliot was cutting wood again, and taking it into town. I forgot all about my plans to join my family in Oregon, come spring. I had written to them telling them I had decided to remain on the farm anyway, so there was no purpose for me to join them and try to start up a new life, when I was doing just fine where I was.
Elliot had left to deliver wood, so he would be gone all night. Now that I didn’t have his constant attention, since he was busy with the farm and cutting wood as well, I felt a little lonely. Every time he left to deliver wood, I still had that worry that he would not return, and send me a message, telling me he had gotten tired of just being my hired worker, since it appeared, I would never give him more than that. I knew I was not being fair to him, and I was guilt ridden, the same way I had felt guilty about the way I treated Running Wolf.
The day after Elliot left, and I was expecting him back, I noticed his wagon coming down the rise, but he was not alone. There were three riders beside his wagon, and one was leading a horse. As they got closer, my heart began to pound. I now recognized the riders. One was Hudson. The second was Little Flower, and the third, leading Little Pride was Shadow Hawk, himself, sitting tall and proud on his horse, the way I had always remembered him.
I stood spellbound on the porch, not daring to move, in case this was just one of my many dreams about Shadow Hawk. I was almost certain, once the wagon got to the porch, I would discover I had only imagined there were any other riders along side Elliot‘s wagon.
When the wagon came to a halt in the front drive, I knew that I had not been dreaming.
“Look who I ran into while I was in town,” Elliot said.
I could not tell if he was happy or anxious.
“They had stopped by your aunt’s house, looking for you. Hudson said you wanted him to take you back towards Oregon in the spring, so I brought him, to see if that was still your plan.”
He gave me a guarded look, and a half-smile.
Then Shadow Hawk brought his horse closer to where I was standing.
“I brought Little Pride for you to ride,” he stated.
I just stood staring at him, not knowing what to say.
“You look healthy.”
He gazed around himself.
“This is your farm?” I nodded, still not able to speak. “I have missed you, Pay-dah Ee-shda,” he murmured. “I could not marry another, because all I can see is your face,
when ever I close my eyes. If you will still have me, I wish you to become my first wife. My only wife. It matters not to me, if you can give me children or not. It is you, I wish to have, the same as Running Wolf claimed.”
Still I could not speak, as I looked from Elliot to Shadow Hawk. The worried look on Elliot’s face, tore at my heart. It was like Running Wolf all over again.
“I have a son,” I said at last. “It turns out I could have children after all,” I told Shadow Hawk.
He looked puzzled at my statement.
“Is this man the father?” he asked, pointing to Elliot.
I shook my head.
“No,” I said softly. “Running Wolf is the father. There is a piece of him that will always remain with me, now.”
Shadow Hawk jumped down from his horse and came to me.
“If you agree to become my woman, I would take Running Wolf’s son as my own,” he offered.
“I have a farm now. I have a life here,” I murmured. “I loved you Shadow Hawk. I wanted to become your woman. I still love you, but I cannot bring back the past. Too much has happened. It would always stand between us.”
I stood trembling, and as we spoke, Elliot got down from the wagon, and went into the house. He returned with little Elliot Running Wolf in his arms, showing Shadow Hawk’s Running Wolf’s son.
“He is a handsome child,” Shadow Hawk stated, his face becoming unreadable, as he looked from my face to my son’s face, and then to Elliot’s face.
“Is this your man now?” he asked, nodding towards Elliot.
I looked over at Elliot, holding my son, and I realized I hadn’t even noticed it, but Elliot had become my man in more ways than Shadow Hawk ever had.
“When I first came to your tribe, I told you I could not be your woman. I told you I could not live like your people lived. I did not want to become your woman, but I couldn’t stop myself from loving you, in spite of it. I tried to escape you. I am still trying to escape you, but my place is here on my family’s farm. I think a piece of my heart will always be your’s. In many ways, I will always be your captive. I know I can never forget you, and sometimes at night, you hold me in my dreams. The problem is, I have to find a way to move on with my life. I gave myself to another, when you were the one I really wanted. I was not true to you, and I don’t blame you for telling me to leave. I don’t know if I can ever love a man the way I have loved you, but now I have to find a way to let go of you.”
Shadow Hawk Page 16