It was unbelievable. I couldn’t imagine Robin agreeing to tell my daughter I was dead. She knew how important mothers were to their children even bad ones.
“Yes. Believe me, it wasn’t a decision we made easily. We talked about it for a long time. We even talked to your mom about it. She said she always wished she’d told you girls your father had died rather than tell you the truth.”
My mom had agreed to it to? She’d wanted to tell us our dad was dead? I didn’t know what to say. The room swirled around me. For a minute, I thought I might pass out like I’d done in the police station. I focused on my breathing, willed myself to stay present.
“It didn’t take long for her to stop asking about you.” His words were bullets.
“What did you tell her?” I asked.
“We told her you’d been in a car accident,” David said.
“Didn’t she wonder why there was never a funeral?”
“She’s too young to even know about funerals.”
Had it been that easy to erase me? I’d spent every day since I’d left thinking about them. There wasn’t a single night where I didn’t see one of their faces before I fell asleep or hear them calling for me in my dreams.
“What happened with her? Her illness? The hospital?” The tears caught in my throat. She was just a little girl. She didn’t deserve any of this. “I still have a right to know what happened to her.”
“Shortly after you disappeared, there was a kidney match in a hospital in San Francisco. She was in pretty bad shape so she was first on the waiting list. It was a successful surgery and she handled it really well. She was back at home within a few weeks. It took her about another full month to recover, but she bounced back fairly quickly. Now we go in every month to meet with her specialists.” Robin looked like she wanted to jump out of her skin.
“But what about me? When did you tell her I had died? What did you tell her when I disappeared?”
They couldn’t have told her I was dead the minute I disappeared. They wouldn’t have had any idea how long I’d stay gone. What if I’d come back in a few months? What if I hadn’t stayed gone as long as I did? They didn’t know it would be as long as it was. How long had they waited until they told her? I tried to give them the benefit of the doubt. Maybe they’d waited until they felt like they didn’t have any other choice but to tell her I was gone for good.
“Thankfully, when you first left she was out of it. She was in a ketoacidotic coma for almost two weeks. She barely woke up and when she did she wasn’t aware of anything going on around her. We told her you’d stepped out for coffee or to go home and get clothes. She was never awake long enough to wonder and even if she did, she remembers very little about being in the hospital.” Robin’s eyes were pleading for understanding. “For a while after her surgery, I wrote her letters like they were from you and we gave them to her every morning. We told her you were at work, but that you sat with her at night while she slept. After we’d decided to tell her you’d passed away, we told her you’d been hit by a car on your way home from work. David got her in therapy within a few days to process her illness and your death. The therapist agreed with what we’d done.”
What therapist would think it was a good idea to tell a child their mother was dead? It felt like a punishment. An irreversible one. She still wasn’t answering the most important question.
“When did you tell her?”
“She just told you—after we got home from the hospital,” David said.
“But how long had it been since I’d been missing?” I asked.
“About a month,” he said.
I couldn’t contain my anger any longer. “You waited a month? A month? What if I would’ve come back? You didn’t do this for her, David, you did this for yourself. You wanted to punish me!”
“I wanted to make sure you could never hurt either of us again. Call it what you’d like.” He shrugged his shoulders.
Even if I’d had an affair like he thought I did, it didn’t mean I deserved to be erased from life. It didn’t mean I had to be punished eternally. It wasn’t fair. It was selfish and he wasn’t thinking about Rori at all.
“I need some time to think about this,” I said.
He laid his hands out on the table as if we were in the middle of a card game and he was showing his hand. “There’s nothing to think about. I’ve been working with a lawyer from the minute I found out I wasn’t Rori’s biological father. Since the night I left the hospital. I told you then that it was over between us and I meant it. My lawyer has counseled me throughout this entire process. She forced Phil to take a DNA test and provide blood for genetic testing. We needed it to confirm her illness. Big shocker—he’s Rori’s dad. He signed over his parental rights as soon as the results came back. I’ve officially adopted Rori as my daughter to make sure he can never lay claim on her life. Not that I’m worried about it. He seemed eager to get things over with as quick as possible and wash his hands of the whole ordeal. Now, I want you to do the same thing. I want a divorce and I want you out of Rori’s life. You can either willingly sign your rights over or we can go to court and spend lots of unnecessary money for the same results. There’s no judge in the country that’s going to give you rights to your child.”
Was that true? Had I been so terrible that I didn’t deserve a chance to make it better?
“I still need to think about it. It’s a big decision,” I said.
“Fine.” He stood to leave, looking down at Robin who was still in her seat.
“Can I have a minute with her?” she asked.
He shrugged. “Whatever. Take all the time you need. I’m done.”
Robin’s body relaxed after he left. “You look so different.”
I forced a smile.
“You cut all your hair off.”
“I did.”
“You could’ve told me about Phil. I would’ve helped you.” Her compassionate expression changed to the look she wore each time she got angry. “But you know what I finally realized yesterday? I was your best friend, at least I was supposed to be, and you never really let me in. I’ve known you twenty years and I’ve told you everything, but you’ve never told me anything.”
“That’s not true.” I shared more of myself with Robin than I shared with anyone. She’d known me since college.
“Really? You didn’t tell me you had a sister until she showed up at your house over spring break and I’d known you two years. Two whole years and I never knew you had a sister. Then, whenever she got in trouble, you never even told me about it until after it happened. Every crisis you went through—you went through by yourself. You only told me about things after they happened. All of your miscarriages. You hid in your house until you could put yourself together again. It was always like, hey I got this. I don’t need you–”
“Robin, it–”
“No, I’m not done. You got raped, Celeste—raped. And you never said a word about it. You know David thinks it’s just a story you made up? He doesn’t think there’s any way someone could go through something like that and not tell anyone about it. But you know what? I believe you because if anyone could—it’s you. There’s not a soul on the planet that you let help you. You control every part of the relationships you’re in. You expect people to love and trust you, but you don’t give them the same in return.”
I’d expected the venom from David, but not from Robin. Not her. I thought she’d understand. I wasn’t prepared for her assault. I’d barely sustained his.
“I don’t understand.”
“Of course you don’t. You’re the most self-centered person I’ve ever met. Ever. You still think all of this is about you. Like you can just disappear from our lives and waltz back in like nothing ever happened. Well, you can’t. It’s not that easy. It’s been a year. An entire year. David might’ve said you were dead because he was pissed, but I actually thought you were. I thought something terrible had happened to you. I had nightmares for months. Months! Do you hear me? I thought someo
ne killed you. I jumped every time the phone rang sure that it was going to be David telling me they found your body. Do you know how horrible that is? Do you know what it’s like to live with that?”
“You know what? Stop yelling at me. I’m tired of being screamed at. Have either of you stopped to think about what it’s been like for me? I was raped, Robin! That man beat the shit out of me, pinned me down on the bed, and raped me. I was terrified. And could I tell anyone? Absolutely not. No one would’ve believed me because I went to his room willingly and everyone loves Phil. Who would believe a word I said? I had to work with him. Every. Single. Day. Do you know how crazy it made me feel? I repressed it for so long that when it came out, I killed him. Do you know what it’s like to find out you’re capable of killing someone? I lost my mind. I didn’t leave because I was running away from my life. I left because I thought I killed the man who raped me and I lost my mind.”
She started to cry, but I couldn’t stop. Something deep within had been released and I had no power over it.
“Guess what? Women who get raped don’t tell anyone about it all the time. All the time. And you know why? Because of this—this right here. Nobody believes you. This is exactly why I didn’t say anything because somehow I’m wrong. You of all people should understand. You didn’t get out of bed for weeks and he didn’t even rape you. He never even got into your pants. Nobody believed you and you had an actual witness. How do you think I feel?”
Her cries had turned into wails. I wanted to hit her and hug her at the same time.
“I’m sorry. God, I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’m just so angry. And confused. This is all happening so fast. I can’t wrap my brain around any of it. Maybe I need some time too,” she cried.
I pointed toward the door. “I think we all do.”
Chapter Twenty-Four
My mom hadn’t stopped smiling since she got off the plane. Every few minutes, she would reach out and touch me to make sure I was still there and she wasn’t dreaming. She was sleeping in Joe’s bed. I looked at the clock. If things went according to his plans, he should be back in Minnesota by the end of the night. He’d kept his word and called me every night since he’d left. It had only taken him three days this time.
My mom insisted on taking me shopping. She was horrified I’d let myself go the way I had. I obliged and followed her through all her favorite spots at the Beverly Center to appease her. Shopping used to be one of our favorite things to do together. We always went whether I was visiting her or she was visiting me. Today as I strolled among the throngs of people and the shiny storefronts adorned with the latest sales, it all seemed unnecessary. There was nothing I wanted to buy. I used to love to walk through stores, running my fingers along fabric, pulling things out, putting them back, fingering the purses, and spraying perfume. None of it held enjoyment for me and I couldn’t remember why I used to find so much pleasure in it.
I followed my mom as she weaved in and out of stores, chattering about the weather in Florida and whose husband had passed away and which ones had cancer. She’d recently moved into a retirement community even though she refused to call it that. She loved it.
“Robin said you helped them decide to tell Rori I was dead,” I announced at lunch. I’d been waiting for the right opportunity to bring it up, but there wasn’t any easy way to broach the subject.
She nearly choked on her food. She grabbed her water and gulped it down. “I did. I’m sorry, but I did.”
“So, you think it’s best too? Better for her to think I’m dead?”
She took a deep breath. “Let me explain something I’ve never told you before. I should’ve told you girls your father was dead. I told Robin that and I meant it. You can’t really grieve when you think the person you love is still out there. The torture is never over. You always wonder and watch, waiting for them to come home. When someone dies, you go through the grief process once and it’s over. It gets easier and easier as you move on. But you girls went through the pain of him leaving time and time again. Each time you got one of his stupid cards. Don’t you remember how you used to cry?”
I cried whenever they came and each time I asked my mom when he was coming home. Each time the hope that he might come back rose to life again. For years as a child, I’d kept a bulletin board with all his postcards tacked up on it, creating a map of all the places he’d been and imagining myself there with him. Would it have been easier if I thought he was dead?
“I couldn’t tell you he wasn’t coming home even though I knew he never was. As long as you knew he was alive, you could hold onto the hope that he might. I think holding onto hope is what killed Rachel. It destroyed her and I played a part in that. I blame myself. You don’t know this, but she used to beg me to call your dad whenever she was in treatment or jail. She wanted me to find a way to get a hold of him so he would come help her. I think a part of her hoped if she got sick enough he’d be forced to come back. Some of Rachel’s anger toward me was because she had this delusional belief that I knew how to reach him and wasn’t allowing him to have contact with you girls because I was angry with him. It couldn’t have been further from the truth. I would’ve given anything to honor her requests. But you know what the sad thing is? Even if I could get a hold of your dad in some way, he wouldn’t have come. I don’t think he would’ve come even if one of you was dead.”
I’d never heard my mom share so honestly and openly. It was the first time I was hearing about Rachel’s struggles. I had no idea she thought my mom was keeping my father away from us. It helped explain some of her anger toward my mom that I never understood.
“I would’ve saved you so much suffering if I just told you girls he was dead. When Robin came to me and asked what I thought about it, I took it as an opportunity to do things differently. I couldn’t save you girls from all the suffering you went through, but I could save Rori. I could give her a chance to have a normal life—something I could never give you.”
“I don’t know if having a dead mother qualifies as a normal life.”
“I’m sure David didn’t tell you this, but he’s done a beautiful job helping her through your death.” She laughed. “That sounds ridiculous, huh?”
I nodded. It was beyond ridiculous.
“But he has. He speaks to her about you like you were the most amazing and perfect mother. He may have lots of strong feelings toward you, but he keeps them from her. To her, you were her mom who loved her more than anything else in the world, but who went to be with God in heaven. Her therapist has been wonderful. They created a memory book of the two of you. It’s adorable. They entitled it, Mommy and Me. David reads it to her almost every night.”
“He does?” I couldn’t believe it.
“Yes, he does. He may hate you, but he still loves that girl more than anything else.”
I lay in bed that night trying to imagine what my life would’ve been like if I believed my dad was dead. Would it have made a difference? Would Rachel have made better choices? There was no way to know. I couldn’t say for sure what effect it would have had. It forced me to grow up long before I should’ve, but growing up quickly hadn’t been all negative. I’d learned how to be self-sufficient and independent. Those skills had served me well. I’d grown into a successful woman and maybe I wouldn’t have been that way if my dad hadn’t left, but I couldn’t make decisions about Rori based on my own life. What was best for her?
I would be in for a long legal battle if I refused to sign over my parental rights and there was a chance I wouldn’t win. It would cost lots of money that I didn’t have. The bigger question was what would happen if I won? What role did I want to have in Rori’s life? Would I try to be her mother again? Would it be any different than it’d been before? There was a part of me that didn’t think it would and was afraid of the possibility it’d be worse than it had been before I left. I couldn’t connect with her when I was in denial about who her father was and now that I’d admitted the truth, would it be even mo
re difficult?
It would be so confusing to believe your mother was dead and then find out she was still alive. Adults wouldn’t be able to handle that. How could I expect a child to? But most importantly, she’d know David had lied to her if I came back into her life. I couldn’t begin to imagine how that would affect her. It would change everything for her because David was her world. It would shake her entire foundation and might ruin their relationship forever. I’d be responsible for destroying the sense of safety and security he provided for her and I wasn’t sure I could do that.
“I’ve met someone.” My mom’s voice interrupted the night.
I thought she was asleep. I flicked on the lamp on the nightstand. “What? Oh my God, I can’t believe it. Who is he? Tell me all about it.”
Her eyes shone with new love, the starry-eyed look everyone carries in the beginning of a relationship as if the mere mention of their name sends them into a world of bliss.
“He lives in my building. We met in the courtyard by the pool when we were reading. We were reading the same book—the newest James Patterson. Can you believe we were reading the same book? Anyway, he’s as big of a fan as I am. We started talking about books and he invited me to the book club he goes to every Tuesday night. At first, I said no, but then I changed my mind. We went out to dinner afterward and had the nicest time. He’s the sweetest man. Nothing like your father.”
“Mom, that’s great. I’m so happy for you.”
“It was really tough at first. I kept thinking about your father. I was so scared to let myself have feelings for another man. Your father was my one true love. You know I’ve never been with another man, right?”
“Yes, Mom, I know.”
It was the same story she always told. How my dad was her high school sweetheart and she’d never loved another. I’d heard it hundreds of times over the years.
“It was so weird to think about sharing my life with someone else. Letting someone else take care of me again, but he’s so good to me. He takes out all my trash. He’s fixed the sink in my second bathroom and he’s changed all the lightbulbs. We’ve even started grocery shopping together because we eat most of our dinners together now. It’s so nice to share in dinner conversation with someone else. I can’t believe we have so much in common. We don’t even fight over the TV. He likes the same shows I do. He’s a die-hard Survivor fan just like me and he even likes the Bachelor. Can you believe that? A man who likes the bachelor?”
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