by Lisa Olsen
“If you say so.” Though trying not to worry sounded like a contradiction to me. I wasn’t ready to say goodbye to him yet and go up to my empty apartment. Almost as though he’d read my mind, Bishop turned, his features sharp and distinct to my eyes despite the poor lighting.
“Do you want me to come up for a bit?”
I stared at him, at a momentary loss for words. Had the Bishop I’d come to know and love been replaced by a pod person? Regardless, I wasn’t about to look a gift horse in the mouth. “That would be nice, if you’ve got the time.”
I pondered over what prompted the shift in behavior as we made our way up to my unit, and decided he must feel more responsible for Stan’s death than he let on. “Do you want anything? Juice? Coffee? Popcorn?” I remembered the contents of his cupboards, though I wanted nothing for myself.
“No, I’m fine. Listen, Anja, I think we should talk.”
That sounded ominous. Now that he had me in private, was he about to read me the riot act? “Do you mind if I wash up first?” Though I wasn’t at all mussed, I could still smell Stan on me, and it was starting to turn my stomach.
“Go ahead, I’ll be here.”
I half expected it to be a lie. My luck would run out and he’d go back to being cold hearted towards me by the time I returned. Maybe I even wanted him to be, I deserved as much. Washing my face turned into brushing my teeth, which turned into a full fledged shower. I stood under the stream of water as hot as I could stand it (which was pretty darn hot) until the heat ran out and the water turned icy cold. Even then, I stood under the chilly spray, completely numb on the inside and out. When I finally emerged, cleaner but feeling no more refreshed, he was still on the couch, waiting as promised.
“Feel better?”
“Yes.”
“You’re lying.”
“I know.” I didn’t have the energy to dispute it.
“Come here.” Bishop’s arm extended over the back of the couch and I took a seat, snuggling up to his side. He stiffened, and belatedly I realized that might not have been his intention, but a few seconds later, he relaxed, wrapping his arm around my shoulder. He didn’t offer any words of comfort, and we sat there, listening to the sounds in the apartments below.
“I don’t think I can do this,” I ventured finally, my voice barely above a whisper.
“What?”
“This vampire thing. Look at me, I’m a complete mess the first time I tried to eat on my own. How am I supposed to do this every other day?”
“You’ll get better at it as you go. No one is born to this, we all learn to make adjustments. Well… most aren’t born to it.” There was a story behind his words, I could tell, but I didn’t ask him about it at the time.
“I think I did it wrong. It wasn’t like it was with you there at all. I hurt him. Even before the killing, it caused him pain, not pleasure.” I pushed away the memory of Stan’s strangled cry.
“You have to learn how to put that into the compulsion.”
“But I didn’t try to the first time.”
“Then that means you’re a natural at it if you’re in the right frame of mind. When I was there with you, you’d just seen me compel Holly. You mimicked my actions. Your instincts kicked in and gave him pleasure to mask the pain. What were you thinking of tonight?”
“That I wanted to get it over with as soon as possible.”
“There you go.”
“I didn’t mean to kill him.”
“I know that.” He pressed a kiss to the top of my head. “It was a mistake. We all make them. Pretty soon it won’t bother you so much.”
“I don’t want it not to bother me.” He didn’t get it at all, and I pulled back to study him closer. Was he really that cold hearted? “I don’t want to turn into a ruthless killer that doesn’t give a damn about human life. I don’t want to kill at all.”
“Anja, you have to expect that you will have some slip ups as you learn to control the thirst. It’s naïve to think mistakes won’t happen, it’s part of the learning curve. Beating yourself up about it won’t bring the guy back.”
“No, not for me. I won’t kill anyone ever again.”
“I won’t always be able to help you. I’m going to make an effort to be there for you until you learn the ropes, but eventually you’re going to have to take the training wheels off and try it on your own and mistakes…”
“Yes, I hear you loud and clear, mistakes happen. That’s why I’m not doing that again,” I explained patiently, but his expression darkened.
“You have to feed.”
“But not straight from the source, right? I can find another way. Bagged blood would work, wouldn’t it?” It had to, or I might as well throw the towel in. I couldn’t live with myself as a murderess, no matter how much he assured me it would get easier in time.
Bishop grimaced with distaste. “It’ll do in a pinch, but I wouldn’t want to live on it.”
“Well, you’re not me. I won’t take the chance of hurting anyone else.” My chin came up in determination.
After a moment’s thought, he offered me a ray of hope. “I suppose I could hook you up with a local source, but trust me, you won’t like it. Not after the real thing.”
“Blood is blood, what difference does it make as long as it’s human?” I shrugged. Ah, how naïve I was!
“Alright, but don’t be mad when I say I told you so.” He didn’t look at all happy about it, but I was ecstatic, and I threw my arms around his neck in an impulsive hug.
“Thanks, Bishop. It means a lot to me, you being here like this and helping me.”
Though he went very still, he made no move to pull away. When I released him, he only looked slightly uncomfortable. “Like I said, it wasn’t right of me to leave you high and dry like that.”
“Does that mean I can call you sometimes, even when it’s not an emergency?”
“Yeah, you can call me and I’ll try to make myself available to you if I can. Speaking of which, I wanted to talk to you about getting chipped.”
“Is that like getting pinned?” I grinned, and he blinked in surprise.
“What? No, it’s getting an identification chip inserted under the skin by your wrist. All new vampires have to have it by law, and most of us older ones have it too. It’s easier than carrying around your papers.”
“Like they do for pets?”
“Yeah, I guess so.”
It wasn’t my first choice to lojack myself, but I trusted him to know what was best for me within the vampire community. Maybe I trusted him too much, but he was my only real ally at the time. “Won’t that raise suspicion if I go in to get chipped now if I’m supposed to be so old?”
“No, not especially. There are enough older vampires who resist technology that it won’t raise many eyebrows if you have the procedure done now. The trick will be getting your papers in order before you go in.”
“But you already got me a fake ID.”
“That was nothing. I’m talking about forging your lineage. You’ll need to have documentation that proves what line you come from and the proper license and such.”
That sounded complicated when I had no idea what line I descended from. “How do I go about getting those?” It figured there was bureaucracy even among the undead.
“I can get them for you,” he offered, and my brows came up in surprise.
“You’d do that for me?”
“Yes, I would.”
“Don’t take this the wrong way, but why?”
“You don’t want me to help you?”
“No, that’s not what I said. But ever since I met you it’s been one step forward, two steps back. You’ve said from day one that you didn’t want to be mixed up in my mess. So why are you willing to take such a risk for me now?” Could it be he was finally starting to admit he had feelings for me beyond a sense of obligation?
“Because I don’t want anything bad to happen to you.”
“Why?” I pressed. “Why are you he
re right now, Bishop? I’m not in any danger. Why are you sitting here with me, talking me through my guilt and offering to help me put my life back together again?” I willed him to tell me he felt something between us too.
“Maybe it’s because what you said before hit home. You need a brother, someone to look out for you. To keep you safe from harm.”
“A brother.” I stared back at him in disbelief. Of all the things he could have said, that was the last thing I expected. Another denial of attraction, sure. A profession of duty, absolutely. After the way he’d objected to my calling him brother before, I hardly expected him to adopt the word and run with it.
Was it pathetic that I was willing to take whatever crumbs of friendship he offered? Maybe. But what could I say? “Thank you, that sounds nice.” Nice? Ugh, I pressed my lips together into a tight smile to keep from blurting out something clingy and pathetic, and thankfully, Bishop didn’t seem to notice. A satisfied look spread over his face, as though he was mentally patting himself on the back for doing his good deed for the year.
“Good,” he nodded. “Oh, another thing. I was thinking about your problem with staying up for classes.” Bishop reached into a pocket and withdrew a small vial of milky liquid.
“What’s that?”
“It’ll help you get through the day. At least part of it. It should get you through at least five or six hours of daytime, but then you’ll need to crash. It takes quite a toll on the body.”
“What’s in it?” I accepted the little vial, holding it up to the light.
“I have no idea,” he shrugged. “But I’ve used it before, it works fairly well. Think of it like a 5 hour energy shot… just a little more energy than most people can handle.”
“Like a drug?” I frowned, instinctively wary, but what other choice did I have? If I wanted to keep going to college, I needed find a way to stay awake, and I didn’t have any other ideas.
“It’s safe enough if used for a limited run. We’ll have to figure out something for you long term, but for now it should get you back into classes. Just be sure to protect yourself from the sun, it won’t kill you but it’ll hurt if you’re exposed to it for too long.”
“Thanks,” I murmured, tucking it away in my pocket. “Bishop, can I ask you something?”
“Sure.”
“What do you do all night? The nights seem so long and so lonely, how do you keep from going kazoo?” A question that had been plaguing me since I’d turned.
“I’ve never stopped to think about it, there’s always something to do. If I don’t have an active case to work on, there’s training. I’m in charge of this division, that brings paperwork and other demands on my time. I check in with the other members of the team, make sure they don’t need anything. If there’s nothing cooking I’ll sometimes ride around, make the rounds and keep our presence up, that’s a big deterrent for lawbreakers.”
“Don’t you ever do anything for fun?”
“Well sure, I grab a beer with Mason every now and then. I’m not a hermit. And I have hobbies. I like to read and there’s…” at the last minute he cut off what he’d been about to say.
“What?”
“I used to play the piano.”
“Was that what I heard the other night? It was beautiful.” I offered him a smile of adulation. Such talent was rare, and vastly appreciated by someone with my background.
He smiled faintly, perhaps a little uneasy with the praise. “It’s been years since I sat down to play, I was out of practice…”
“Don’t you dare do that! It was incredible, really. Brought tears to my eyes, the way it became a part of me… you have a true gift. I only wish I could touch people that way. Have you always played, or did you pick it up, you know, after you became a vampire?”
All of a sudden his expression shuttered, and he looked away. “I don’t really like to talk about it, it’s a painful part of my life.”
And we’d been getting along so well! I hoped I hadn’t blown it. “Oh, I’m sorry…”
“It’s not your fault. I should get going though, it’s late.”
I’d known it was coming, but the disappointment still stung. “I guess I’ve kept you from your work for too long already. I expect you’re eager to get back to it.” Bishop didn’t reply to that, but he did rise to his feet. “Thanks again for all your help tonight. I can’t tell you what it means to me to have someone I can count on in case of trouble. Especially since my life seems to be filled with disaster lately.”
“It’ll smooth out before you know it, give it some time,” he nodded, his smile reassuring.
“I hope so.” I wasn’t sure if I should hug him or shake his hand or what, given our new status. But seeing as how he flip flopped back and forth so often, I half expected him to shun me the next time I saw him, so I decided to get in a last hug, just in case. Bishop’s arms encircled me after the briefest hesitation, and I felt his chin rest on top of my head as he held me close. My eyes slid shut as genuine peace and tranquility surrounded me for a brief, shining moment, and then I felt him start to disengage and I pasted on a placid smile as we said our goodbyes.
It might not be everything I wanted or hoped for from Bishop, but as I tipped back the contents of the glass vial, fighting the debilitating rays of dawn, I was filled with something I hadn’t known since becoming a vampire. Hope.
Chapter Twenty-one
My older sister Hanna never seemed to get caught up my parent’s ambition. She did well in school, but never tried out for a single extra curricular activity besides photography. Hanna preferred the technical to the artistic, and spurned the traditional four year college program in lieu of a program at ITT Technical Institute. For whatever reason she was born with the gene to resist guilt trips in any form, and could care less what they or anyone else had to say about her life. Mom and Dad could hardly complain though, Hanna made more money than the both of them combined after just a couple of years with a software company in San Jose.
As I waited for her at my favorite coffee shop, I wished I’d been born with some of that immunity to guilt. I kept scouring the news for any sign of Stan’s body being found, but there wasn’t a single mention of it on TV or online.
I still wasn’t sure how I was going to merge my two lives together, even with Bishop’s help. While the drug he’d given me did the trick and I’d been able to stay awake for both of my morning classes, I couldn’t shake the worry that I might lose control and attack someone again. The smallest sight or scent of blood unleashed the thirst whether I felt hungry or not. Do you have any idea how easily the human body bleeds? I was fast becoming intimately aware of that notion. So far I’d been able to stop in time before actually attacking anyone, but how long would that last?
And the crash… Bishop hadn’t been kidding about that. I barely made it home before passing out on my bedroom floor in a deep, dreamless sleep, waking up just in time to get ready to go see Hanna. Still, I looked forward to catching up with my sister, she was the one person I could be myself around without fear of judgment. She appeared at the door, bundled up in a stylish cream colored coat with faux fur trim.
That was one nice thing, the cold didn’t bother me at all anymore, and I found myself forgetting to wear a coat when going out.
“God you look pale. When’s the last time you got any sun?” Hanna sat down, her own skin glowing with good health as she wrapped her hand around the mocha I ordered for her.
“It’s October. Not all of us can afford a membership to Paradise Tan,” I pointed out after hugging her hello.
“You look good though, actually… I don’t think I’ve ever seen you look so… polished,” her eyes narrowed, and my palms started to sweat over the scrutiny.
“Polished?” I wore a pair of jeans and a button up shirt, casually open at the throat. My hair was down and I didn’t have any make up on. I didn’t feel like I belonged on the cover of In Style or anything.
“Yeah, whatever you’re using for your comple
xion keep it up, it looks great!” she smiled. “But there’s something else… oh, I know, you finally got contact lenses! Good for you!”
I’d almost forgotten she would expect to see me with my glasses on, and I was grateful she supplied her own explanation for it. “Right, I decided to stop being such a baby and do it. It turns out it’s not as big of a deal as I thought it would be.”
“You see! That’s what I keep telling you, you shouldn’t be so afraid to try new things all the time.”
“This has definitely been the month for it,” I murmured, blowing onto my hot chocolate.
“Yeah, about that. You know mom’s going crazy about your absences, right? She made me promise to check up on you. If you hadn’t agreed to come to coffee I was going to have to show up at your place with a pry bar and a vat of chicken soup.”
“I’m fine, I swear.” The last thing I wanted was an impromptu visit from either parent.
“I can see that.” Hanna took a sip of her coffee and I could smell the rich aroma of the coffee blended with chocolate and cream. “Why have you been missing classes then?”
“It’s… complicated,” I stole the line from Bishop, but it didn’t deter her one bit.
“Yeah okay, so spill.” She waited patiently.
“I’ve been questioning whether or not the path I’m on is the right one for me.” Class that morning in particular had been incredibly boring, and despite taking the stimulant, it had been hard to stay focused with the sea of bodies around me. “I’ve ah… been thinking of dropping out of school.” Actually, I hadn’t really voiced that thought even to myself, but I felt a weight lift off my chest at saying it aloud.
Hanna’s eyes widened to the size of dinner plates. “Are you high? Mom and dad are gonna go ballistic!”
“I know, but I have other reasons to consider. Things are a little… difficult right now, and it’s made me think. Is this what I want to be doing for the rest of my life?”
“Of course it is. It’s what you always wanted.”
I wish I could be as certain of that as she sounded. “It’s what they always wanted for me, and now I’m not so sure that’s the same thing.”