by Jude Watson
attack."
"That's not true," Anakin countered. "I think you should save your
fears for yourself."
A spasm of pain crossed Ferus's face. Anakin could not imagine how
awful it must feel, to give up the Jedi Order. It would be like giving up
everything he lived for.
"If the Jedi ever need me, I will be there," Ferus said quietly. "That
includes you, Anakin."
Ferus walked away quickly. Anakin looked after him angrily. Ferus got
the last word. Not only that, but it had been a kind one. The noble Padawan
to the last.
Not a Padawan, though. Not any longer.
Satisfaction soon curdled into frustration. Anakin felt as though he'd
been beaten, but he didn't know why. He remembered the helplessness he'd
felt in the energy trap. He never wanted to feel that way again. Yet he was
trapped in his envy, in his anger, just as surely. Even if Ferus left the
Temple forever, he would still remember this feeling.
No. The feeling would fade. He would make it fade. He would push it
down, down with his memories of Shmi. Now that Ferus was gone, Anakin could
fulfill his promise. He would bring balance to the Force.
Tru was angry at him, but he had never truly understood the burden
that Anakin carried. Maybe Tru had never understood him at all. Maybe no
one did, except for his Master. Tru would come around.
Anakin walked out. At the far end of the hallway, he saw Ferus join
Tru.
He felt as though he was watching them through the wrong end of
electrobinoculars. They seemed so small, so far away.
Feeling his presence, Tru looked back over his shoulder at Anakin. And
then it hit him like a punch that knocked the air from his lungs. Tru would
never come around. He'd lost his friend forever.
Standing still, he watched Ferus and Tru walk away. He heard footsteps
beside him, and Obi-Wan was next to him.
"Anakin, I've been looking for you."
He turned automatically. "Do you need me?" "No, I... Anakin? Is
something wrong?"
"Ferus has resigned from the Jedi Order."
Obi-Wan let out a breath. "I was afraid he would do something... like
that. He feels Darra's death so strongly." There was a lost look in Obi-
Wan's eyes as he gazed down the empty hallway. "The legacy of this mission
is pain."
Anakin wanted to take away the remote look on his Master's face. He
didn't want Obi-Wan to care so much about what happened to Ferus. "The
legacy of this mission is that a great enemy has been defeated. I saw you
strike him down."
"That is not an act that should bring you satisfaction, my young
Padawan," Obi-Wan said sternly. "I took a life.
"It was done as a last resort. And it rid the galaxy of a great evil.
Therefore it was necessary and right."
"Necessary - yes. But right?" Obi-Wan shook his head. "That is not a
word to throw around lightly. We cannot say what is right. We can only do
our best." Obi-Wan's gaze warmed. "As you do, Padawan. You never give less
than your best. I'm proud of the Jedi you have become."
Anakin was moved. His Master so rarely spoke this way. "Thank you,
Master."
Obi-Wan gave him a long look. "And... I wanted to tell you. The Jedi
Council has decided that they won't speed up the trials for Padawans. Your
Knighthood will have to wait a bit longer."
Anakin absorbed this news. So there was no chance, then. He would have
to wait. It didn't matter what he did, how well he performed.
"When the time is right, you'll take the trials, and I have no doubt
that you will astonish us all. Until then, we will work together. There is
so much left to do, and I'm grateful to have you by my side for a little
longer." Obi-Wan paused. "Anakin? Are you all right?"
He was all right, Anakin suddenly realized. The weakness in his knees
he'd felt when he saw Tru walk away was gone. In a strange way, the mission
had strengthened him. He had a stronger conviction now, a harder edge to
fight with. Everything had fallen away from him - his childhood, his
friends, his wish to impress the Jedi Council.
He would never be helpless again.
He would only grow stronger.
He had fought with a Sith and seen true power. One day he would be
able to match it. He would be able to fight it. Not yet. But someday. Soon.
As a boy, he hadn't wanted things to change. He wanted to keep those
he loved close to him forever. Yet everything did change. He was far from
his mother. He had lost Darra. Tru. And Qui-Gon. He couldn't fight against
those kinds of losses. So be it. He would have to push them down until they
didn't matter anymore.
One day, he would face his worst loss, the loss of his Master. By
surpassing him, he would lose him. He pictured Obi-Wan turning to him in
slow surprise, grasping for the first time the true extent of his power.
Seeing that the student had outstripped the teacher.
On that day, Anakin's heart would break for the last time. He would
feel the weight of impossible sorrow.
He would not be able to bear that sorrow. Unless he no longer had a
heart.