Although Steve didn’t expect Kimberly to tell him she loved him, he was very upset that he felt like he couldn’t say those words to her. To survive, Steve said he needed to feel love, caring and tenderness from Kim.
“I will love Kim forever and don’t care if we would never have sex again. I would trade sex for a night of holding each other and talking in a minute,” Steve said.
Steve was in a lot of pain and said he had no one to turn to. But even though he felt empty, he knew he had to stay strong for Sarah. Even if Kim didn’t love him, Sarah did and he didn’t want to hurt her.
Steve said that although the counselor he and Kim were seeing told him he had to learn to love himself, it was difficult to do especially since he had hurt the two people he loved most in the world—Kim and Sarah. He said he didn’t understand how he could have acted in a way that truly hurt his wife and young daughter. He was having a hard time dealing with the fact that he had hurt them so much. Maybe if he understood why he acted the way he did, then he could begin to forgive himself. Steve said he wanted to tell Kim that he was sorry and that he loved her so much and wanted to make everything right between them.
Steve said he had a good day at work, especially since Kim called him there around 1:00 P.M. In the past, Steve had treated Kim as an inconvenience, but now just hearing her voice was special to him.
In his journal Steve admitted that he had many questions but no answers. And Kim, the person he’d always looked to for love and support, wasn’t there for him.
“It’s funny how people take things for granted and then it’s too late,” Steve said. “If anything, I have learned that I won’t take the people in my life for granted ever again.”
Steve said he feared losing Kim. Even though he now understood what love meant, he couldn’t share it with Kim because of what he had done to her in the past. He also said he knew before he could make the other people in his life happy, he had to be happy himself. Recently he felt happy, and he wanted to continue to feel that way, he said. Steve prayed that Kim could understand his depression and forgive him so they could start fresh. He hoped time would heal all wounds, but he was afraid that the counselor and Kim would tell him the marriage was over and he needed to move on. If that happened, Steve said he would be devastated.
All Steve wanted was to make Kim happy. He wanted to be able to talk to her and hear her laugh. At this point in his life he needed affection and tenderness, but not sex. In the past sex was the only way he could express his love for Kim, but now all he wanted was to tell her how much he loved her. He wanted to feel all the emotions he had kept locked up inside, but he knew Kim was not ready yet. So he decided to be patient and continue to believe that she still loved him.
“God I hope these pills kick in. The doctor said they won’t solve my problems but maybe I will be able to deal with them better,” he said.
Steve said he was trying to take one day at time—something he said was easy because he really didn’t think that he had a future. He lived for the day when Kim would tell him she loved him before he said it to her. He also dreamed of the day when she would ask him to go out with her and her friends. Holding on to those dreams helped Steve survive each day.
In his journal entry for January 29, Steve said he and Kim had been to see their counselor, but Kim spent most of the time alone with her. While he waited for Kim’s session to end he sat in the waiting room worrying about what they were saying to each other. He was frightened that Kim and the counselor would decide that he and Kim should end their marriage.
Although Kim told him not to worry about the future, he couldn’t help thinking that she was going to meet someone else. He understood that a lot of men would be attracted to her because she was such a good person—something he didn’t think he was. Steve said he knew no one could love him until he loved himself, but most of the time he hated himself. He hoped that someday he would be able to like himself. But at this point, fear and confusion were ruling his life.
“Last night Kim told me she was proud of me and she loves me. That meant the world to me,” Steve said. “But I am confused [because] she almost never says it anymore. Sex is non-existent anymore [sic]. That will take time and I am willing to wait.”
On February 1, Steve said he recently tried to make love to Kim, even though he knew she wasn’t ready yet. Now he felt weak and helpless and very guilty. Kim told him it turned her off that he was so needy. But he couldn’t help it. All the feelings he had kept bottled up over the years were now bursting out of him. The problem was that Kim couldn’t return his feelings. But he said he was willing to wait even though he wasn’t sure about his future with Kim. But he wouldn’t blame Kim if she decided to leave him. He said if he didn’t believe that he was a loving person with a lot to offer Kim and Sarah, he’d just leave them.
Steve said he hurt so badly he didn’t know how much longer he could make it. He knew that Kim needed someone who was strong and it was taking every bit of strength he had just to go on. He said he wouldn’t blame her if she left him that day because of all the pain he caused her. But if she gave him time, he knew she would love him again.
Steve knew he had to back off and give Kim some space, but he said it was difficult, especially since he thought of her constantly. He said he used to think of himself as a big, strong man, but now he knew he was a coward for bottling up his feelings. He said he was so confused he didn’t know how to act anymore. All he was sure of was his love and passion for his family.
Although Steve was scared, he was still trying to be strong. But it was hard. His sorrow was overwhelming and he couldn’t control it. He tried not to feel guilty about the past, but he just couldn’t help it. Knowing he had hurt Kim, the most wonderful woman in the world, was eating him up. All he wanted was to be happy and make Kim happy as well.
Steve prayed that Kim believed him when he told her wanting to go to bed with her wasn’t sexual. He just wanted to hold her body against him. He wanted to touch her and smell her body. In the past, Steve said he used sex just for personal pleasure, but now he wanted to share that with Kim so she could understand the deep emotional bond he felt for her. Steve promised to be patient and work hard forever because he knew he had a lot to offer people, especially Kim and Sarah. He knew he was special and he prayed that Kim would soon realize this fact. But even though he loved her deeply, he knew he couldn’t push his love on her.
“I fear that months away she still won’t love me and now that I can express and show my feelings I need someone there to share them with me,” Steve said. “She says she loves me and I believe her—she needs time. If she only knew what her calling me or holding my hand meant to me. There are no words to express my feelings.”
On February 9, less than a week before he was murdered, Steve wrote in his journal that life at home was improving and he was looking forward to Valentine’s weekend at Harbourtowne with Kim. He said he was worried about Kim because she had bronchitis as well as blood in her rectum. He said he was very frightened because blood in the rectum can be a symptom of cancer. As far as Steve was concerned Kim’s health came first and all he wanted was for her to be healthy.
Kim called Steve twice at work on February 9 and told him she loved him before he told her. This made him very happy. Steve said he had a hard time concentrating on work when all he cared about was his family.
Steve said he and Kim had not made love yet, and even though he wanted to, he said he would wait as long as it took because he loved her so much. For the first time, Steve said he knew what it was like to really be in love.
In his February 12 journal entry, Steve said Kim came home around 9:30 P.M. and accused him of trying to send her a message by locking the door and turning off the lights. But Steve said he did those things because he had gone to bed. Kim was in a bad mood when she got home and didn’t even say hello to him. He was upset and didn’t feel like he deserved to be treated so badly. Steve said he wanted the marriage to succeed but he refused to put up
with this kind of treatment—the same kind of treatment she put up with from him.
“I eventually will need more from her. This weekend will tell me a lot about her feelings. We haven’t had sex for two months and I have been very patient but at some point she must let me be close to her,” Steve said.
During their investigation police also found some letters Steve had written to Kim showing how much he loved her and how much he wanted to make her happy. But all the time Steve was professing his love for Kim, she was professing her love for Brad Winkler.
In one letter Steve professed his undying love for Kim and told her he hoped she would always be his wife. He told her that, whether she believed it or not, she was the sexiest woman in the world to him—as beautiful on the inside as she was on the outside. He said he noticed that she was working on improving her appearance and that it intimidated him because he was so flabby and out of shape. He told Kim that he knew that any guy in the world would love to be with her and he worried that someone would take her away from him. He said he had to fight with himself all the time so he wouldn’t be jealous and he could believe that she loved him as much as he loved her. Steve said no matter what happened in the future, he would always love her and stay faithful to that love.
In another letter Steve told Kim he was working hard to change so he could be the kind of husband she had always wanted. Steve told Kim it hurt so much to see her cry, especially knowing he couldn’t erase the pain he’d caused her. But remembering it would help him in the future, he said. Steve said he knew he was pressuring Kim way too much, but he wanted her to understand that he was a special person with a lot to offer. He said he was beginning to forgive himself for hurting her, but he would never forget that fact. Remembering would help him become a better person.
Steve told Kim he would back off and let her discover her own feelings and not try to force his feelings on her. He said he believed that someday she would see that she had a strong husband who was capable of expressing all his feelings to her.
“I’m learning each day but I realize I’ve been expecting too much,” he said. “Never feel you have to say I love you or call me at work.”
Steve told Kim he would be there when she needed him and he just wanted her to be herself because he had fallen in love with that woman. He asked Kim to tell her therapist how special she was and that he now understood how lonely he made her feel and that he would do anything he could to make her happy again. He promised Kim he would always be there for her.
Steve said if he and Kim worked together they could have a great marriage, but he admitted it would take a long time. He said he knew he couldn’t erase the past but he could slowly build a better future.
In another letter Steve talked about how wonderful their relationship used to be. And he told Kim not to be afraid to trust him and love him again. Steve wrote this letter after a telephone conversation with Kim.
He told her he wanted her to know that hearing her voice made him feel wonderful. He said his eyes had been opened, his mind had cleared and his heart had grown. He said that for some reason he had been remembering the night they first met at Maureen and Mike’s house. The minute he saw her he was struck by her beauty and after just a few minutes he felt comfortable with her and knew they were going to have something special. He was drawn to her because he sensed she was kind, sensitive, caring and affectionate. He said by the time he talked to her the next day his heart belonged to her.
Steve reminisced about their wedding and how he had to fight to keep from crying as Kimberly walked down the aisle. He told Kim she was the most incredible looking bride there ever was or ever would be. Steve talked about sitting in bed watching television with Kim when she was pregnant and he told her he remembered all the love and strength she had shown him over the years. He said he always knew he had the greatest, most beautiful wife in the world, but his depression clouded his mind and prevented him from doing all the things he wanted to do now. But he said he knew he was going to make it because she made him want to be a better man. He said now he wanted her to draw on his strength rather than him drawing on her strength.
Steve told Kim not to be afraid because she could trust him and count on him again. And although it would take time, he would do everything in his power to be the man she thought she was marrying.
“I love you with such passion and it is a great feeling. You wrote you were afraid that your feelings for me won’t return or maybe that they will,” he said. “I believe they are still there but I built such a wall around them it is almost impossible for you to open up to me again. I understand that after all these years it is difficult to put yourself in a vulnerable position where I could possibly hurt you again.”
Steve said although he and Kim made a commitment to each other and promised to always stay together, he wouldn’t blame her if she wanted to leave him. But he wanted her to know that her husband was a special man—an intelligent, sensitive, caring and affectionate man who loved her very much. He told her not to be afraid to fall in love with him again because he would always be there for her.
The word “wife” meant so much more to him now, he said. Kim had been his lover and best friend. He said their marriage meant everything to him and he believed it was worth it to fight to make it work. If only Kim would give him a chance, they would have the marriage and family that they both had always wanted. Steve told Kim he knew that he had hurt her, but asked her to take a leap of faith and believe and trust that the love they once shared could come back stronger than ever.
“I’m sorry if this has upset you or made you feel smothered. I just can’t contain my feelings for you anymore. I have nine years built up in me. Please don’t be afraid to open your heart to me. I won’t disappoint you ever again. I love you very much,” Steve said, adding that if they worked together they could accomplish anything.
In yet another letter, Steve told Kim she was the most beautiful woman in the world, inside and out. He asked her to have faith in him, stand by him and give their marriage one more chance. Not quite what Kim had in mind.
Steve said although he had kept his emotions bottled up his entire life, he just couldn’t contain them any longer. He said he was even dehydrated from crying so much and now he understood the saying, “crying an ocean of tears.”
Steve said he now knew true happiness was not how green a fairway was, but seeing his wife and child smile at him, knowing they were happy and proud he was part of their lives.
He explained that he couldn’t let Sarah grow up believing it was okay for a man to make her feel the way he had made Kim feel. Although he knew it was impossible for him to change thirty-five years overnight, he was taking the first step to becoming the man he had always wanted to be. Steve told Kim he needed her help to change his ways.
“Love is something that is felt and is difficult to put into words. When I look at you I see the most beautiful person I have ever seen, inside and out. Your strength inspires me to become a better person. This can only come from inside of me but I need your support and love for me to succeed,” he said.
Steve told Kim although she had been faithful to the vows they made on their wedding day, he had not. He said he had received all the “better,” while Kim had received all the “worse.” But if Kim had faith in him, trusted him and loved him, he would make their marriage work.
While writing the letter Steve told Kim he had thrown up three times—the result of all his pent-up feelings coming out.
In order to have a complete life with his wife and daughter, Steve said he knew he had to love himself first and he was trying to do just that. Loving Kim and Sarah was the easy part. He said he loved them more than life itself and finally realized just what that meant to him.
“Please stand by me one more time and give our marriage one more chance to succeed. I will fight to improve myself as a husband, father and person,” Steve said. “I love you.”
While Steve was pouring his heart in his journal and his letters t
o Kim, she was doing some writing of her own. Unlike Steve, however, who promised to be a better husband and father, Kim didn’t talk about the changes she would make to improve the relationship. Instead she focused on the changes Steve needed to make.
Kim wanted Steve to:
1. Be considerate of her feelings and of Sarah’s feelings. She didn’t want Steve to be mean anymore.
2. Develop friends and be comfortable socially. She wanted Steve to actually enjoy going out.
3. Give affection freely without fear of humiliation or rejection.
4. Develop shared interests and friends.
5. Promote a better relationship with Sarah.
6. Share all household and day-to-day duties without constant prompting.
7. Maintain his own existence—to fend for himself.
8. Watch less television and to do more meaningful activities with the family.
Kim did take some responsibility for the way Steve acted throughout the marriage in a note she wrote before he died. Kim explained that, for Sarah’s sake, for her family to appear normal, she made it easier for Steve to remain withdrawn and “hermit-like.” Kim didn’t want to be someone “who bitches all the time . . . to change an unchangeable person.”
Chapter 12
On March 3 Corporal Joe Gamble talked to Dr. Timothy Wex, chief anesthesiologist at Holy Cross Hospital in Silver Spring, Maryland, who, in the course of his duties, interacted with surgical technologists, including Kimberly and Ken Burgess.
The purpose of the interview was to corroborate Burgess’s statements to police that after he learned of Stephen Hricko’s death he told Wex that Kimberly had asked him to kill Steve for her. Gamble also wanted to ask Wex about the hospital’s policy for storing various drugs in the operating room.
An Act Of Murder Page 15