by Grace Helbig
5. Don’t eat someone else’s food. I’ve never been a cook. I’ve never made myself food and then packed it up and kept it for future meals or brought it to work the next day. Instead, I’ve definitely gotten drunk and eaten my hyper-organized college roommate’s food. It did not end well. People who make themselves pre-meals will be pissed when you eat their perfectly packed chicken Caesar salad wrap on a Friday afternoon. That person chose to work outside of work and make food–don’t ruin that for them.
6. Be ambitious. Don’t be afraid to speak up at meetings and/or offer your opinion(s) on projects. Apparently, drive is a quality bosses like in employees. Supposedly. Drive is also a pretty bad movie.
7. Dress appropriately for your work environment. We get it; you want everyone to know how creative and interesting you are. Well, let your personality do that for you rather than your crop top and feather shoes.
8. At the beginning, there’s a lot of grunt work. It’s likely that you’ll be doing a lot of menial tasks when you start your professional career. Getting coffee, making copies, organizing closets, things a monkey with slightly above-average intelligence could do. Don’t let it get to you. Get the coffee as best you can and persevere.
9. Keep your computer clean. I’m always hyper-paranoid about what people can and can’t see on my computer screen. Or, when I was working on a company computer, what they could tap into and see in my search history. Don’t set yourself up for an awkward situation–keep it clean.
10. Create an organization system. Figure out what works best for you to stay prepared and on-task. The person who created highlighters didn’t do it for farts and giggles.
11. Ask for help if you need it. This was something I struggled with. I always wanted to prove I could handle things on my own and assumed that asking for help was some sort of sign of incompetence. Turns out, it isn’t. Smart people ask for help, because it’s a much more efficient way of doing things than wasting time doing it the wrong way.
12. Always be nice to the office weirdos. I mean, be nice to everyone all the time, but especially them. We’re all just trying to get through this sh*t storm called life together. Remember that.
13. Be on time. I’m really terrible at this. But try. When you’re late it can come across as you thinking your time is more important than someone else’s. Don’t give yourself an opportunity to give a wrong impression.
14. Use the office printer to your advantage, within reason. Buying ink when your home printer runs out is annoying; remember you can print things at work! Yay!
15. Office coffee is always pretty terrible. Unless you work at a coffee shop. I suggest outsourcing your caffeine intake.
16. Try to keep personal drama outside of your work world. It’ll help you and your coworkers maintain sanity in the workplace. Plus, how annoyed do you get every time you hear Janice talk about her cat’s emphysema? Right? Don’t be that person.
17. Collaborate. Learn to work with others. It’s something you’ll have to do at some point in your professional career, so be an open and willing participant. Give and take, like a healthy digestive system. And pick up the phone every now and then. Email can be a time-suck and you often learn more/resolve issues faster on the phone–or even better, face-to-face.
18. Don’t steal ideas; you’re better than that.
19. Take criticism. Even if you don’t agree with what someone says, be the bigger person.
20. Oh hey, if you don’t like your job, you can quit! Imagine that! Maybe do it in some elaborate, comedic way and film it, and SLAM, you have a viral video. Now your new profession is: YouTuber. Congrats.
25
TIPS TO MANAGE YOUR ANXIETY
Over the last seven or eight years, I’ve been figuring out how to deal with my anxiety issues. Believe it or not, I’m a tremendously anxious person. Sometimes I think my entire body is one big nervous system, but my brother who studies science at MIT assures me that it’s not. I’m still not convinced, Tim. Still not convinced.
I had anxiety issues before I even understood what anxiety was. When I was in high school, I was so shy. I think you could ask my entire graduating class if I ever spoke a word in the four years we spent together and 95 percent of them would say, “Wait, which girl are you asking me about?” or “Answer my question first, does Four Loko still have the booze in it or not?” (I’m from South Jersey.)
I thought college was going to be an opportunity to reinvent myself and become outgoing and interesting and FUN. But right from the start, I had trouble changing my hermit tendencies. I only hung out with my boyfriend at the time or occasionally with other people in super-small groups. I filled up my time with school and jobs to distract myself from the question: Should I try to hang out with someone? The thought of even putting myself out there to ask someone to hang out only to probably be rejected (I always assumed the worst-case scenario) was AWFUL. So instead, I always had something else to do. Even if I did go out, I’d leave when I felt overwhelmed and say that I had work in the morning or some project to finish.
After I graduated, I pursued my interest in improv and started coming out of my shell. Somehow pretending I was a horny monkey astronaut in front of an audience of a hundred-plus people helped. Not only did I start to feel like part of the comedy scene community, I was also going out to bars more regularly and doing something called “socializing.” WHAT A CONCEPT. When I didn’t want to hang out or had pangs of social anxiety, I’d stay home, make videos, and put them up on something called “YouTube.” It was a way for me to express myself creatively and “perform” for an audience from the comfort of my own home. With or without pants. I only film myself from the waist up, you pervs.
For a few years things were pretty okay, but in 2010 I started getting those intense pangs again. In NYC, you’re CONSTANTLY surrounded by people. All day. From morning ’til night. Even if you’re going home at four a.m., there are people on the street. It’s what makes the city so cool and what makes it so terrible, and the constant exposure to humans both sane and not so sane started affecting me.
I felt claustrophobic whenever I went outside. I even posted a video in 2010 on YouTube discussing my social anxiety, but in more of a joking way because I still didn’t totally recognize what my feelings were. I thought I was just prone to nervousness and eventually my totally irrational, paralyzing fears would melt away.
NEGATRON.
It wasn’t until about 2011 or 2012 that I really began to understand what was happening to me. I was dating a guy who had been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder when he was in college. With professional help, he discovered that the reason he had to walk out of parties to throw up in the front yard (sober) was because he was having panic attacks. Oh, there’s an actual name for that feeling when you think you’re having an early-onset heart attack and all the heat in your body rushes to your face! Oh duh! A panic attack.
He told me that he still got them from time to time, but learned breathing exercises to work through them. I felt relieved to know that I wasn’t crazy. There was a name for the symptoms I was experiencing. And it was comforting to know I wasn’t alone. Phew! These feelings are sure to melt away now!
NEGATRON.
For some reason as soon as I recognized that these moments weren’t just onetime fleeting sensations, they started to occur more frequently. Just the anticipation of having a panic attack would trigger a panic attack. ACK. It was terrible. It got to the point that every time I got on the subway, I’d immediately sweat and my heart would pound in my ears. I’d feel so hot and claustrophobic that I’d have to jump out before I even got to my stop. The cool thing about New York is that even though I was sweating and turning red, I still wasn’t the craziest-looking person on the train! Yay, diversity!
Then I started missing improv shows, because I just couldn’t get myself to the theater. I was increasingly agitated by the unavoidable crowds every time I went out. The most frustrating part about my anxiety was the con
stant, obsessive, spiraling thoughts: This didn’t used to happen, just go back to being that other person who didn’t overanalyze her anxious thoughts. And I couldn’t.
The saving grace of the situation (because, trust me, this Grace needed saving) was that I was planning to move to Los Angeles. I was getting out of this Escher-painting-of-anxiety hell soon!
DISCLAIMER: NSFW
(Not Safe For Well-adjusted people)
My anxiety was still intense when I finally moved to Los Angeles, so I decided to get professional help. (I had tried a bunch of therapy in the past, but I was stupid about it. I would straight-up lie to my therapist and say, “Yeah, I did that thing you said and now I’m fine”–what an idiot.) I started seeing a psychiatrist and got prescribed some antidepressants and anti-anxiety medicine. They’ve really worked wonders for me. They’re not for everyone, and I avoided seeing a psychiatrist for a long time, because I was nervous (when am I not?) about going the medication route. But, for me, it’s made all the difference, along with some other (seemingly dumb but kind of effective) tips I’ve come up with on my own time.
DISCLAIMER: I’m not a doctor, nor do I play one on TV. These are just some suggested tips that have worked for me. If you’re struggling with anxiety or other mental health issues, get professional help.
Here are twenty-five tips for managing your anxiety (it was going to be fifty, but I thought that might make you anxious):
1. See a doctor. If you’re struggling, get help. Take your time to find someone that you feel comfortable with. This took me a second. It’s like getting into a good relationship. A good relationship is one that makes you a better person. Also therapy can be stupid expensive, so, like a good lady of the night, get your money’s worth.
2. Remove yourself from a stressful situation. When you’re feeling anxious, don’t be afraid to leave for a short period of time or completely. Sometimes, when I feel nervous on planes and the thought of the person next to me picking up on my nervous energy causes more nerves, I go to the bathroom to be alone and splash cold water on my face. Sure, now everyone waiting for the bathroom probably thinks you’re taking a major-league dump, but hey, this is about you, not poo.
3. BREATHE. This is a “no doy!” tip, but sometimes I forget. When I check in with my body, I realize I’ve been breathing like an asthmatic that just ran a block. I try to make a conscious effort to focus my attention on deeper breathing. Like a poser type of meditation.
4. Think about someone getting hit in the face with bread. There’s something about that visual that really takes my mind off my anxiety. Maybe it’s because my imagination has to work hard to figure out what possible scenario could actually make this happen IRL, or it’s knowing that you can’t really get hurt with bread, or it’s because thinking of the different types of bread that would work best (loaf, pitas, English muffin, a single slice) is incredibly distracting. It’s a great time if you really let yourself Wonder Bread. Sorry.
5. Exercise. Getting blood pumping through my body is a great stress reliever. Even if it’s just jogging for ten minutes. My brain starts focusing on thoughts like, Am I swallowing my own blood? rather than, I can’t go to that party because I’ll have a panic attack and all the cool people will see and I can never . . . oh god, here come the hives.
6. Imagine someone walking by you with a cake and smashing that cake to the ground for no reason. This is one of my go-tos.
7. YouTube-search “people falling down slowly” or “men falling off boats.” It will definitely divert your attention and give you some fun visuals to recall later if you start to feel nervous.
8. Scream and/or laugh and/or weep into a pillow. This is best to do privately.
9. Allow one person who makes you feel completely comfortable to see you panic. Maybe this will help you start to find even the smallest ounce of comfort in your discomfort.
10. LOOK AT PUPPIES. In real life or on the Internet. If you can’t find a puppy to be around in real life, I highly, HIGHLY recommend YouTube-searching “Sophie Rolls Down a Hill.” It’s my morning go-to pump-up video. She’s truly an inspiration.
11. Rip up paper. Maybe only, like, one piece, so environmentalists don’t get too anxious.
12. DANCE IT OUT. Put on your favorite jam and pump up the volume (god, I sound like a mom). I gravitate toward the song “Shake It Out” by Florence and the Machine, because it makes me feel mighty and powerful.
13. Throw balled-up socks at the wall. It’s therapeutic and socks can’t really do too much damage to anything. Sometimes I imagine the socks are actually bouncing off Mario Batali’s belly. It’s a great use of a Sunday afternoon.
14. Meditate. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA, just kidding. Run into a meditation class and scream, “Meditate more like mediTAINT!” See what happens.
15. Lie on the floor and stare at your ceiling. Let your brain drift off into thought. Maybe imagine a world where Supermarket Sweep still exists. Maybe imagine grabbing a cold beer with that chill dog from The Never-Ending Story.
16. This is for all of you The Price Is Right lovers. Find a quiet place (or even add this on to #15) where you can imagine the Plinko chip falling gently into the $10,000 slot over and over and over again. And then visualize a slightly overweight, middle-aged woman with white sneakers, spandex leggings, and a puffy painted shirt that says DREW CAREY ME AWAY TO THE SHOWCASE SHOWDOWN! flashing the audience.
17. Pee in the shower listening to “Let It Go.”
18. Write a letter to your anxious self. Describe what it’s like on the other side of panic. Panic attacks can last minutes or they can last hours, and the relief that comes on the other side is so sweet. But when you’re in the middle of an attack, it’s almost impossible to recall that calm state. So, try to write it down to the best of your ability and see what you come up with. Maybe even mail it to yourself if you’re that kind of freak.
19. Watch cooking shows on mute listening to Celine Dion. Food has never looked so emotional.
20. Wrap yourself up in a blanket and roll around on the floor like a human taco. I love this. It makes me feel like a dumb child and I don’t care, it’s so much fun to let yourself go.
BONUS: For those experiencing a panic attack, here are some
EMERGENCY BRIEF RELIEFS
REMEMBER: UNLIKE THAT MOVIE CASINO ROYALE, IT WON’T LAST FOREVER.
HOW DO YOU THINK A CAVEMAN REACTED THE FIRST TIME HE GOT A BONER?
WHATEVER TERRIBLENESS YOU’RE EXPERIENCING RIGHT NOW, THERE’S PRESUMABLY SOMEONE ELSE IN THE WORLD WHO HAS EXPLOSIVE DIARRHEA AND IS LOCKED OUT OF HER HOUSE–YOU’RE WINNING.
21. Throw large rocks into water and imagine it’s the sound of giants taking dumps. It’ll be so stupid and gross that you’ll forget you’re anxious. Also maybe do this with friends, so the other well-adjusted people at the park don’t think you’re a threat.
22. Make up a song about yourself. It doesn’t matter if you have no musical aptitude–the worse the better. BUT the chorus has to be, “I’m a stinky turd/yeah you heard/I’m a stinky turd/oh yeah yeah turd is the word.” Best of luck to you! And you’re welcome in advance for landing that record deal.
23. CRAFT! Get your brain and hands focused on a project.
24. Plunge your hands into a barrel of coffee beans. Or a bowl of dried rice or a can of marbles. Yes, I know you think I’m insane, but IT FEELS VERY NICE AND SOOTHING SOMEHOW. I wouldn’t say you should go to Whole Foods and compromise all the coffee bean barrels with your extremities, but buy some to take home and have fun.
25. Reread this book. Peh heh heh.
THE ART OF AVOIDING A PUBLIC PANIC ATTACK
THE ART OF MAKING ADULT FRIENDS AND INFLUENCING THEM (TO REMAIN YOUR FRIEND)
THE ART OF BEING AROUND OTHER PEOPLE FOR MORE THAN A FEW MINUTES
THE ART OF TRICKING YOURSELF INTO ENJOYING TIME WITH OTHERS
THE ART OF FORCING YOURSELF OFF OF TUMBLR
The Art of Talki
ng to Other Humans
THE ART OF EXISTING IN A PLACE THAT ISN’T YOUR HOME/BED/COMPUTER CHAIR
THE ART OF STEPPING OUT YOUR FRONT DOOR AND THEN TAKING A FEW MORE STEPS
Your Social Life
Welcome to the social section. Here’s where I’ll try to teach you about cool, hip, young, fun stuff like throwing a party and making adult friends and hanging out by yourself. Because these are all things I have in fact done! Woo! I’ve reached some level of personal/social development! It’s been a long time coming. I used to be very low-functioning in terms of socializing.
My sophomore year of college, my long-term boyfriend broke up with me and I sloppy-cried for a week. And then I decided to do something for myself. I had always wanted to go overseas, so I signed up for a study abroad in London for three and a half weeks over the winter break. I was going by myself, which was a huge deal for me. At the initial orientation, I sort of knew another girl who had also registered by herself, so we decided to room together. She was pretty nerdy and quiet like me. Wait, was I making a friend?
I was nineteen at the time and the legal drinking age in London is eighteen. Uh-oh. We were required to take one class for three college credits. The class was from ten a.m. until one p.m. every day in the same building as the dorms. After the class, we were free to do whatever we wanted. There was also a pub on campus whose happy hour started at four-thirty every day. Double uh-oh.
The first night, the program leader (aka the dorm’s American RA, who thought he was cooler than he actually was and was very openly trying to sleep with any and all of the girls in the program) organized a trip for all of us to go to a dance club. It was so stupid. He told us that it was free drinks all night and dancing. The reality was that it was one free drink with sweaty thirty-year-old men grinding on your back. My response to the situation was to get drunk and accidentally break two glasses.