by Grace Helbig
First-aid supplies–for oops.
Treat yourself to a movie-montage-style SHOPPING SPREE to get stuff to make your night magical.
Indulge
Tonight is YOUR night!
Ain’t no party like a one-person party! I know that sounds omega dumb, but you can get away with saying things like that when you’re alone. Treat yourself to the scandalous stuff you don’t normally treat yourself to. Sweets, sweet weenies (self-serving YouTube video reference), sweats, Swift (Taylor), Swedish Fish, pornography . . . the list goes on.
When I’m alone, I usually allow/encourage myself to fall into K-holes of watching YouTube videos of French bulldog puppies mixed with beauty gurus in addition to watching any new episode of The Real Housewives. Some real highbrow stuff.
Activities
It’s helpful to have activities to keep you occupied.
Also remember that when you’re alone, there’s no one to keep you from entering your mental Death Star. That bad mental space that locks you in and shoots lasers of depressing thoughts at you. Also, let it be known that I Googled “the deathstar is the bad one?” just for that last sentence. You’re welcome, anyone who looks through my Google search history.
Plan some activities that will help you feel even the slightest bit productive and therefore satisfied about your night the next day. I lean toward basic things like laundry, washing dishes, exercising, writing the sequel to It Takes Two called Actually, It Takes Three, starring the Olsen twins and myself as triplets separated at birth who find each other as adults in NYC when they all apply to work at a bar called Coyote Average-Looking. None of us get the gig, but instead Ashley (whose character’s name is Melissa Rivers) decides they should band together to score the biggest heist of their lives. Rob the bar. They call themselves River’s 3. Everyone dies in the end, but in the opening scene Mary-Kate does meth off a homeless man’s taint.
Slow
No need to rush anything tonight.
Take your time. Do absolutely nothing for hours if you want to. There isn’t a right way to have a night to yourself. But there are some potential wrong ways, like: setting your house on fire, setting your neighbors’ house on fire, trying to actually set fire to the rain, and so on and so forth.
Go at your own pace tonight. This is a marathon you’re going to win no matter what. You don’t have to worry about the girl or guy next to you with the made-for-running arm Spanx. What do those do? At first, I thought a lot of marathon runners were just embarrassed by their 2 percent of forearm fat.
I thrive on getting stuff done and overworking myself. The bags under my eyes wouldn’t fit into an overhead luggage compartment (HEYO!). So on nights when I know I’m having “me” time, I try to remind myself that I don’t HAVE to get that project done tonight. It will still be waiting for me in the morning.
Humor
Inject some ha-ha’s into your night.
Watch something funny, do something funny, READ something funny. Scientists say that laughter burns calories and decreases your risk of all the cancers. By scientists I mean that last time I hung out by myself, I put on a lab coat and told myself that was a fact.
Accountable
You can’t blame anyone else tonight.
So you need to be accountable for your actions and maybe create some personal ground rules–especially when it comes to expressing yourself via social media. I’ve had some solo-ragers that have ended with me tweeting complete and utter nonsense that in my head I thought was HILARIOUS. Here are just a couple of my favorites (please RT).
I think my thought process was that larp sort of sounded like lard?
I guess I was upset that hard-boiled eggs have been making a comeback in restaurants, but why I associated them with Valentine’s Day, I HAVE NO IDEA.
I started my day hanging out and drinking with @harto and @mametown and then I went home for a solo night and let myself feel things.
I truly thought this tweet was grrrrrreat.
Vicariousness
I don’t know if this is a word, but it is now.
This step is for all those who from time to time (myself included) like to torture themselves by deep-diving into someone else’s (no doubt highly curated) social media profiles. I’m giving you the permission you need to go forth and prosper . . . I mean go forth and properly Internet-stalk. Whether it’s someone you want to date or someone you want to hate or someone you want to bait (to be your best friend, because they are too awesome to be true), go nuts.
Investigate that Instagram, tap that Twitter, frisk that Facebook, and pass judgment on that Pinterest. BUT be safe. Don’t “socially awkward penguin” yourself by accidentally typing the person’s name into your status update, or unintentionally leaving a comment on that person’s wall, or liking/RT-ing a post. Let yourself fall down the rabbit hole, but make sure you have a rope to climb out.
Emotional
Later in the evening, let the emotions fly.
One of the greatest things about being alone is that you can let it all out. Whatever’s bothering you, whatever’s making you happy–feel it and enjoy the expression of emotion. This isn’t necessarily for everyone. I’m a relatively reserved person in my normal life and I enjoy being alone so I can check my emotional temperature and see where I’m at without feeling uncomfortable.
My friends and I joke a lot about how when we’re sad about something or just PMS-ing about nothing, we intensify all the feelings with the help of YouTube videos about surprise wedding proposals or soldiers reuniting with their dogs. Maybe we’re crazy, but sometimes it’s fun to cry. For me, I always feel a little lighter afterward. Do tears have calories?
DANCE
This is the BEST part of the night.
Dance like no one’s watching. BECAUSE THEY AREN’T.
HOW TO HANG OUT BY YOURSELF
Remember: ASIA SHAVED
Accept
Stock up
Indulge
Activities
Slow
Humor
Accountable
Vicariousness
Emotional
DANCE
#ASIASHAVED
WORKSHEET
HOW TO HANG OUT BY YOURSELF
HOUR ONE CHECK-IN
1. Have you done anything productive? If so, what?
* * *
2. What social media sites have you been on and what were you doing?
* * *
3. How are you feeling emotionally and physically?
HOUR TWO CHECK-IN
* * *
1. Have you done anything productive? If so, what?
* * *
2. What social media sites have you been on and what were you doing?
* * *
3. How are you feeling emotionally and physically?
HOUR THREE CHECK-IN
* * *
1. Have you done anything productive? If so, what?
* * *
2. What social media sites have you been on and what were you doing?
* * *
3. How are you feeling emotionally?
HOUR FOUR CHECK-IN
* * *
1. Get off social media. This is not a question, this is a command.
* * *
2. Seriously, you’ve Internet-stalked that person enough. You’re done.
* * *
3. OMG SRSLY STOP.
* * *
HOW TO
THROW AN ADULT PARTY
I’m still learning how to be a good hostess. When I was growing up, my parents hardly ever had friends over to our house and birthday parties were always sort of subdued, so I cultivated my party-hosting knowledge from TV, the Internet, and through the parties I’ve attended.
I lived in Brooklyn for almost five years, and in that time my roommates and I threw two very stupid parties. In NYC, it’s more likely that you go out to a bar or restaurant with friends than hang out in someone’s apartment. Space is
limited and expensive and most of my friends were creative-types, so all of our apartments were kind of small and crappy and not conducive to parties.
But my two roommates and I still tried.
The apartment we were renting was abysmal, but it was in a cool neighborhood. We invited all of our comedy friends over and about twenty people dropped by. Our apartment had 1.5 bedrooms (one of my roommates slept in the living room) and it didn’t have air-conditioning or a sink in the bathroom.
The three of us were completely used to this style of living and had forgotten that it wasn’t normal or comfortable for others. We were quickly reminded when people had to wash their hands in our kitchen sink full of dirty dishes and Solo cups, and the living room instantly became hot and sweaty when occupied by more than three humans. Oops. We should have thought this through.
The night turned out okay, because everyone drank a lot more to mask their discomfort and we had roof access! HUZZAH! THERE IS A GOD! The party instantly transferred to the roof for the rest of the night and we were all finally able to air out our pits.
Here’s a photo!
The next year, I moved into a separate place with one of my roommates, while the other roommate moved in with some Craigslist strangers (very nice strangers, though). The three of us decided we wanted to try to up our game and throw a dinner party in our slightly bigger, slightly nicer, OMG-there’s-a-sink-in-the-bathroom apartment. Dinner parties are what adults do, we thought. Let’s get sophisticated. But dinner requires food. Did any of us know how to cook? HUGE OVERSIGHT.
One of my roommates knew how to make really delicious scrambled eggs and the other knew how to make mashed potatoes and I knew how to buy hummus and pita chips. And that’s what we did. We threw a very unsophisticated, confusing dinner party for about twenty to thirty people. But it was true to us. There was a tub of scrambled eggs and a tub of mashed potatoes and a tub of hummus and some other edible odds and ends and all the booze. It ended up being a really fun time and I learned (the hard way) to never serve eggs at a party. Eesh.
Since then, I’ve been to a handful of really great house parties in New York and Los Angeles and I’ve slowly started to figure out what ingredients add up to prepping the primo partay. First step: don’t call it a partay. And remember, at the end of the day it’s about having a great time and making weird, egg-filled memories.
Food/Drink
Always have food and drinks.
A great party guest will bring some booze and/or food, but you should never assume people will do this. Also, I’ve found it’s helpful to assume that all of your guests are depressed and miserable and then purchase party provisions with the mandate: How can I make that chronically depressed person happy? Think in a 360-degree way. Cups, vegan options, soda, Band-Aids, label what’s in what cabinet and where the trash is, etc. What are all the possible things your guests could need or want to feel comfortable? I always try to put myself in the shoes of a visitor. When I go to someone else’s house, what are my major stressors–other than the fact that I’m at a social event and that is very stressful to me? Oh, they have burgers and veggie burgers? This is a great party!
Invites
Send out invites.
Make sure people know. A party is a party when people are there. Who knew? Invite people directly–don’t assume they’ll see your Facebook event page or Instagram message or whatever method people use to pretend to communicate things in the future. I know you spent hours Photoshopping that hilarious-looking dog onto your kewl event poster, but also try texting and emailing to get the word out. That dog is pretty funny-looking, though.
Space
Make sure you have the space to accommodate human traffic.
This was the oversight with our first Brooklyn party. I’m naturally claustrophobic, so insert twenty friends into a tiny, air-conditioner-free apartment and you got yourself a panic-attack-themed party!
Try to invite the appropriate amount of people for the space you have. Not everyone you invite will come, but play it safe and assume all of your friends love you and have nothing better to do and will ALL come. Choose the space/number of guests to invite based on that.
Toilet Paper
ALWAYS HAVE MORE TOILET PAPER THAN NECESSARY.
And make it readily available for people to restock if necessary. One of the worst things in life, other than racism, is using the bathroom when the toilet paper has run out. It’s a tragedy. Don’t do that to your guests–stock up and store the TP in a place that’s easy to access. Also, a match or a candle or some sort of spray is always handy if a guest has an “unexpected situation.”
Background Music/Entertainment
Create a nice ambience.
It’s easier to talk when you subconsciously know that if there’s a lull in the conversation there won’t be complete silence. It feels like chatter. It can also serve as entertainment.
I went to a New Year’s Eve party where a ten-second clip from the really dumb shower in Starship Troopers was played on a loop over the party music and it was hilarious. The more intoxicated everyone got, the more entrancing it was. Plus, it was a great conversation starter. Let’s give ’em something to talk about.
Interesting Guests
Invite some wild cards.
It’s always great to invite one or two people who either make great conversation or make for great conversation. They’re the cream cheese that makes the human bagels more delicious. Yes, there’s a chance they could go rogue and throw off the general vibe of the event, but they also might just make things more interesting. And parties are more fun when they’re interesting.
Small Things
Love is in the details.
Pay attention to your guests during the party itself. Do they need a napkin? Who needs a chair? The little details make people think you’re a thoughtful person. And that’s cool because you are. Does Diane only drink red wine? Are there beer bottle openers? Is there a recycling can? Do people know the trash is under the sink? Are there enough forks? And so on, and so fork.
Circulate
Make the rounds.
You invited all of these people, so give them the time of day and say something, anything, to as many as you can. Don’t get stuck in one conversation all night. That’s rude. Make everyone feel important and interesting. Give them the gift of conversation. Unless they’re the type who don’t want it. Then give them the gift of understanding their personal issues/space.
Unique Games/Themes
Games and theme parties bring everyone together.
A friend of mine used to throw a New Year’s Eve party in Brooklyn every year that was FANTASTIC. He threw it six years in a row and every year it grew and people always looked forward to it. It was a pants-cutting party. Let me explain.
Each year he’d designate the “clothing theme” for everyone to wear. One year it was denim on denim, one year it was Barack Obama and Michael Jackson T-shirts and sweatpants, another year it was V-necks and pleated pants. Every half hour starting at nine p.m., everyone had to cut six inches off of his/her pants until midnight. But you weren’t allowed to cut your own pants, someone else had to cut them for you. It made everyone interact with each other and it was so much fun because it was so off-the-wall stupid. Also, he had a giant pair of underwear that two people at a time could do shots in.
Potential party games (these are just some titles, you make of them what you will):
Pants Cutting (Not my original game.)
Throw This Thing into This Thing
What’s in This Dip?
Will It Melt in the Microwave?
Will This Shatter? (Only play this if the party is not in your abode.)
Get Them Wet
Make That Music Group Better (Name a popular band and see who you could sub into the band to make it better; for example, if you put Beyoncé in the Spice Girls they’d be better!)
Scream Flip Cup (Play flip cup but scream while you try to flip your cup.)
Ice
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Always have ice.
It’s a simple party luxury and a common afterthought, so take this tip as your reminder. Get ice. People like ice. Cold drinks are delicious.
Transportation
TAKE ME HOME TONIGHT.
If it’s possible to provide some sort of transportation for your guests, THAT WOULD BE EXCELLENT. You win.
This is less of a tip and more of a selfish dream I have to one day be driven to and from every party, so I never again have to wake up the next day and think, Goddamn it, I have to go back to Mike’s house to get my car. Please don’t let his medium-hot roommate–who I spilled my rum and Coke all over–see me.
GRACE’S GUIDE: CHANGING THE WORLD FOR THE BETTER. You’re welcome.
HOW TO THROW AN ADULT PARTY
Remember: FIST BISCUIT
Food/Drink
Invites
Space