by Jason Letts
He said it as a joke and I laughed despite myself, but it got me wondering if he really only had me around to make him a new website. Paradoxically, my suspicions grew when it became clear he was going to be true to his word about doing his own thing and leaving me to mine. Ninety-nine percent of the time it was like I wasn’t even there, but once or twice when I happened to look away and then back quickly I would catch him with his eyes on me.
I couldn’t be sure of anything, because he may just have been checking on my work or seeing what I was doing, but I kept getting the impression that he was watching me hungrily, mentally undressing me, and tempting himself to do the things we did that one night back in Austin.
Unlike back in Austin, there was no Darla Maple to divide his attention, and the random women who came to the gym to workout never so much as drew a look from him, even though some of them should’ve impressed any man. Unlike my early days at Mouse Roar, all of Seth’s staff members were cold and clinical, not a trace of affection anywhere. Working remotely might’ve helped. I didn’t have a clue where any of them were, but I had a faint impression one of them was in India. They were all ultra responsive and prodigious in their productivity. By the end of the week we already had mockups for the site.
It was late afternoon on Friday when my phone buzzed. I thought it was the graphic designer, but instead I saw that it was Keenan. My eyes passed over Seth, who seemed absorbed in his work, as I answered the call.
“Hey, what’s up?” I asked. My impulse was to ask how they were managing without me, but I didn’t want to tip of Seth about who I was talking to if I could help it.
“Not too much. I just wanted to see how everything was going for you. I hope Seth’s hasn’t been acting like a slavedriver,” Keenan said.
“No, it really hasn’t been that bad,” I said, drawing a quick glance from Seth. I was going to have to be even more careful to avoid saying anything suspicious. After the heated debate back in the Mouse Roar offices, I was almost afraid they’d end up in a brawl if they met again. I hastily tried to cover it up. “The logo just needs more shading and a bit more prominence.”
“What?” Keenan said. I breathed heavily into the phone, hoping that would somehow communicate the situation. “Anyway, I was hoping I could talk to you. How about we meet up somewhere for a little bit?”
I scratched my head.
“That’s exactly what I was thinking, except instead of a pop-up window let’s have it appear as another part of the in-browser overlay.”
“Are you talking like this because he’s right there? This is starting to sound like a hostage situation,” he said, and I had to give him credit for figuring it out faster than I would’ve. I probably would’ve thought someone had gone crazy.
“Mm-hmm,” I said.
“Blink twice if you think you can get to the coffee bar Calf-inated in a half an hour,” he said. It was hard not to smile.
“Now you’re getting it. Let’s do that and get it to me first thing in the morning. I don’t care if you don’t get to watch Homeland.”
I hung up the phone and put it away quickly to reduce any risk of Seth spotting anything on the screen about the call. He folded the laptop in half and stretched, showing off some of the muscles in his arms.
“Hey, what do you say we go grab something to eat and get into some of the big picture stuff I’ve been thinking,” Seth said, leaning back with a carefree air. I had to admit that the phrase “big picture” intrigued me, but after just agreeing to meet Keenan I felt in a bind. I wanted to find out more about what Seth was really trying to do here, except it wasn’t going to happen tonight.
“I don’t know if you noticed but I’ve been working nonstop all day. If you don’t mind I could really use a break. How about we talk about it in the morning here with some bagels I’ll bring. They’re pretty good in this town,” I said, trying to be playful. He grinned.
“We’ll see if we can squeeze it in before you get that overlay revision,” he said.
I’d been caught, but I smiled sheepishly and ducked out of the YMCA, feeling at once embarrassed and that it was none of his business who I talked to every second or what I did. It crossed my mind that I should’ve been straight about it being Keenan on the phone, but at the time it just hadn’t felt right to be talking to him while hanging around with Seth.
On the ride to the coffee bar, I contemplated the probability of Seth’s big picture involving a trip to bed. Pretty high I’d say. And that was not going to work for me, since the days of festival flings were long gone.
The next time I shared a bed with someone it would be with a serious boyfriend, but I wondered if after our coffee bar talk I’d have to explain that to Keenan. Again.
CHAPTER 9
Calf-inated had a facade that looked like the hide of a cow, black and white in flowing shapes. Inside, there was a lot of brass, from the coffee machines to the little cups that everyone had. The place was warm and bustling, full of people, plus the place had a stage where a jazz trio was strumming away.
From Keenan’s invitation, I figured he would’ve been there before I arrived since I took slightly longer than thirty minutes to get there, but instead he was nowhere to be found. I spent a good five minutes stewing about what kind of messages he was sending by really wanting to talk to me and then not showing up on time until he finally came in looking flushed.
“I think my parking magic is officially gone,” he said, shaking his head. I took a deep breath and let his tardiness go.
“You’ll find some other kind of magic to replace it with,” I said.
We took a pair of open seats at the bar a few minutes later after they were vacated, giving us a good view of the band playing and easy access to drinks. I got a mocha latte with the foam in the shape of a heart. Keenan got coconut water, like usual. He would never have issues if he got stranded on a deserted island in the Pacific as long as the coconuts were abundant.
From the way he kept sneaking glances at me, I got the impression he had something on his mind but was reluctant to say it. My guess was he was still feeling embarrassed about the revelations Seth had forced out of him.
“You know, you don’t have to feel bad about having been attacked while you were at college. I mean, you can, but it doesn’t help you much. I’m speaking from experience,” I said.
Keenan shook his head and playfully leaned against me.
“That was nothing compared to what you went through,” he said, and in my head I replied that it wasn’t only because Seth had been there. No one had rescued me at the last moment.
“It doesn’t mean you can’t grow stronger because of it. Don’t let it be your weakness, something Seth can attack. It doesn’t reflect on who you are or your strength now,” I said, kind of wondering why I was giving him a pep talk after our relationship had fallen apart and I’d never had less enthusiasm for my job with him. But in his green eyes it was easy to see why I still liked and respected him.
“I wish I had more strength to deal with Gary Polling. It’s been a horror show every step of the way. We’ve started running ads and the numbers are just not matching up to our expectations. I think he’s holding out on us somehow. And of course to him it’s the fault of the ads and the advertisers. Worst of all, he keeps asking for you and will barely talk now that you’re not around.”
I nodded, hanging my head and sighing deeply.
“Keenan, I didn’t want to tell you this, but something happened back in Austin with this guy,” I said, forcing myself to keep talking. “The first time I tried to strike a deal with him he said the only way he’d agree to anything was if I slept with him. Obviously I didn’t, and I didn’t want to let you down either, so I went back and managed the car deal.”
Keenan, wrenching his thick arms, looked like he was legitimately trying to crush his copper cup.
“Are you kidding me? That’s it. I’m done with this guy. I don’t even care anymore. It’s not worth it. I wish you’d told me before. A
s soon as we’re done here I’m going straight back to the office and halting every single campaign. He’s not going to get another cent from me, not after being so inappropriate for you.”
Deep down I appreciated his angry reaction, but all I really wanted was for the deal to work out we expected and for it to help Keenan’s business. There was no hope of that anymore. All of it was for nothing.
“I just didn’t tell you because I wanted to help. And what about the contract? You’ll have to give him all that money and a car.”
“No, I won’t,” Keenan insisted. “Not when the contract was negotiated under conditions that included harassment like that. I’m touched that you kept fighting for me after experiencing that, but you have to know that nothing about this business comes before your integrity and your self-respect. I won’t have it.”
I nodded, knowing I would’ve said the same thing if I’d been in his shoes and he probably would’ve done the same thing as me if he’d been in mine. I took another sip of my latte.
“I’m sorry it didn’t work out.”
“Don’t worry about it. We don’t need it that bad,” Keenan said, scratching behind his head. “What about you though? You ready to come back or is there some Stockholm syndrome sinking in?”
“The work isn’t bad. I have a lot of control and it’s been a real creative outlet. But the business isn’t me. I can’t make myself care all that much about cryptocurrency.”
At that Keenan let out a chuckle and leaned back against the bar.
“I can’t blame you. It’s almost a Ponzi scheme. I create fake money and get you to invest in it. The value plummets. You have basically nothing. I still have all of your money. Magic cards are a way better investment anyway.”
I didn’t think it was as bad as he described, but I nodded anyway.
“It is just all about the money for him. The people don’t matter.”
“So when are you coming back then? This ridiculous arrangement has to be almost over,” Keenan said. I looked at him, unable to say that his business wasn’t really me as well and that I wasn’t chomping at the bit to come back.
“I’d have to guess by the end of the upcoming week. That would make this whole thing ten days, enough time to really communicate my ideas and leave them to run with them. Are you going to be able to hold tight for another week?”
Keenan sighed, setting his cup on the bar.
“I guess we’ll just float on by until you can come back, then we can figure out what to do now that Interlink House is off the table,” he said, his eyes running across me. “Mostly I just miss having you around. The office isn’t the same place without you. My apartment neither.”
I wasn’t expecting Keenan to share feelings like that, and I struggled to come up with something to say. The truth was everything in my life felt so conflicted at the moment.
“What’s going to be different this time?” I asked, a sense of dread sinking into my middle. Did he really miss me or did he just miss being with someone? He’d said all the right things tonight, which was certainly a refreshing change, but how long would it be before we felt like we were sealed in a barrel together?
Keenan washed his hands and crossed them over his chest. The tempo of the jazz trio picked up.
“You’ll see. We’ll make it work this time. We can have a little more division of labor at work and not bump into each other so much,” he said. I grimaced.
“It’s still a small office and we’re the decision makers. You’re going to have to choose whether you want me as a girlfriend or as an employee,” I said point blank, staring at him.
“I can’t run this company without you. What if we hit another speed bump like before? I don’t want to face that alone.”
I swallowed, feeling like I had real clarity for the first time in a while. When it came down to it, I was an employee first to him, his Operations Manager. That wasn’t the place I wanted to be in with my boyfriend.
“Then I’ll let you know as soon as I can resume my duties. I’m hoping it won’t be long,” I said, hopping off my seat, putting the strap of my bag over my shoulder, and starting toward the exit. Keenan looked frustrated.
“Sarah,” he called after me, but I was gone.
Bagels with Seth passed the next day without anything that would really qualify as a serious discussion. The weekend came and went with another trip to my sister’s where we commiserated about Mom’s situation, and soon I was back in the YMCA lobby with Seth.
I’d barely sat down to work when I felt his hand tap my shoulder.
“If you could update the Trainathon guys about the progress on OurCoin, that’d be great.”
Those were the words that came out of his mouth, but his eyes had something lustful and intense in them that were communicating a very different message.
“Yeah, I can do that,” I said, a little wary of him watching me. It occurred to me to add something else. “Also, I’ve got a standing appointment with a counselor this week, so I’ll have to duck out for a little while later on.”
Seth blinked as if snapping out of a daydream.
“Oh, is everything OK?”
“Yeah, it’s just something I do to make sure things keep going OK.”
Seth took my answer with indifference and sat down to work, but it was a little strange that he asked about how I was doing at all. He was usually brusque and no-nonsense with little place for emotions, but that combined with his hungry looks made me wonder why he didn’t just come out with how badly he obviously wanted me. Maybe he knew I wasn’t going to say yes, or maybe he wanted me to finish more of my work before making a move.
In some ways it was a shame, because I enjoyed Seth’s drive, the freedom he gave me, and a bit of inspiration that I could do anything because I had no other choice but to do it myself.
“I had an idea that I think would really help propel the launch of OurCoin,” he said, smiling. “What if we hosted a launch event at a bar, free drinks for the ladies who come celebrate and sign up, that sort of thing.”
I breathed in through my teeth.
“That doesn’t sound like a bad idea, but I’m sure any kind of launch would be months away at best, and I was talking to Keenan and figured I’d be back working with him by the end of this week,” I said, drawing a hard squint from Seth.
“Now hold on. I’m going to need more time with you than just this week. And even if you don’t make it all the way to launch, I’m sure you could still come by and be a host for the night. It would be pretty weird to have a party for a predominantly women-focused brand and not having any women on stage,” he said.
I rolled my eyes openly.
“There are ways to take care of that, like by hiring women,” I said.
“Yeah, obviously. That’s what I’m planning,” he said. “But let’s see how far you can take the development in a few more weeks.”
“I think Keenan’s going to be pretty pissed about that, to be honest.”
Seth’s hand clenched the back of his chair so hard that I was surprised it didn’t mold like silly putty.
“I started my own business so that I could call the shots, not so I would have to cater to everyone’s whining. I’m sure Keenan is raring to have another pity party about his feelings like he always does, but I’m not that concerned about it. And besides, you don’t really want to go back there so soon, do you? Advertising. I’d rather shoot myself in the face,” Seth said.
A tiny piece of myself could agree with that sentiment, but I buried it as deep as it could go.
“It could be worse,” I said, but Seth barely heard me.
“I mean, actually making something, now that’s a business. Just showing stuff places, tracking clicks and views, and getting paid for it. It’s a scam no matter how you look at it,” he said, causing me to get a little angry. I got up and looked him in the eyes with a shake of my head.
“Trash it all you want, but it’s something you’ll need to do if this service I’m creating for
you is ever going to make a single dollar, or BitCoin, whatever…”
Seth looked at me like he was going to go off at me, but instead he clamped his mouth shut while continuing to keep his eyes fixed on me. It was almost like he was straining and I couldn’t understand why. Holding back in a minor disagreement seemed really painful for him, and in truth it was kind of a weird moment.
“Let me revise my idea,” he said at last while gasping for air. “Rather than wait until launch, let’s have the party this Friday night to announce the forthcoming venture. We’ll get an interim website up with an email list going. You can invite your friends. I’ll get the Trainathon guys over to help celebrate and feel like they might ever see some of their one-hundred thousand back. It’ll be a blast.”
His smile and some of his swagger were back, but I was still fishing for theories for how this change of plans arose from our argument about advertising. Something wasn’t making sense, but after so many years dealing with men I knew the core of it had to be the way he was looking at me and whatever he was holding back related to that.
“Sure, we can do that,” I said. “And then come Monday it’ll be back to work at Mouse Roar for me, Keenan will be free of his debt, and you’ll have an incredible business opportunity waiting for you to polish up.”
Seth continued to glare at me from those brown eyes and that handsome, strong face, giving one quick but firm nod.
I was back in that tiny library with shelves stacked full of books on every wall right up to the ceiling. This was the second time I’d seen Dr. Alex since coming back from Austin and the first time I was actually thankful that I was seeing a counselor. I felt like the uncertainties of my life were starting to get to me, the dissatisfactions, the frustrations with how stuck I felt.
And it all seemed to be building up to something big. It seemed like only a matter of time until Seth tried to take me to bed, or I went back to work with Keenan and he tried to bring me back to his apartment. And neither of those situations were going to end well unless I could stamp out my own wants and needs to just go along with it.