by Pea Jung
I take a deep gasp of breath, sling my arms around myself and break down crying on the couch.
The next day is no better. I give up, I can not imagine going to work. But actually, I don’t have to. My front door rings again.
“Jörg?” I open the door to him puzzled. He came to visit me, but he does not look at all happy to be here. Actually, he looks as bad as I feel.
“Come on in!”
We go to my small dining table in the kitchen and I pour him a cup of coffee.
“Did something happen?”
Jörg puts his head in his hands and stares at the table. I touch his shoulders, but he immediately pulls away from me.
“Hey! What’s going on?” I ask again.
“Sit down Josi. I have to tell you something.”
I settle myself on the chair opposite him and nervously clutch my coffee cup with both hands.
Jörg breaths deeply and begins to explain, without looking at me: “Last night Daniela received a call, while I was still at work.”
“Yes?” Daniela is Jörg’s wife, with whom he has two children.
“The male caller told her about our affair.”
“No!” is the only the thing I can manage to say, but my mouth remains open.
“You know, Josi, I confessed my affair to her some time ago and we had, I think, got past it. But for very good reasons I didn’t tell her that you were the one I slept with.”
“Jörg, what…”
“It seems like the anonymous caller informed her, and I didn’t deny it… Josi… I have to let you go. You can’t work for me any longer.”
“But Jörg! How can you do that? Where will I find something else? I have to pay off the debt on the apartment, you know that…”
“Please, Josi, don’t make me feel any worse than I already do! It’s already crystal clear to me that it wasn’t just you that initiated it, and I was one who was unfaithful to his wife. Nevertheless, the place belongs to me, and Daniela wants you out of there immediately… which I can understand.”
“You can understand it!? Then understand me too, please! What should I do now?”
“Maybe can you build on this cleaning job you got?”
“Yeah, right Jörg. I left that damn job last night.” My voice fails and now I’m the one supporting my head in my hands and staring at the table.
“I’m really sorry, Josi. I never wanted it to come to this. I really like you,” I hear Jörg’s soft words.
Although I quite understand his wife’s position, I feel left in the lurch as a friend.
“Maybe you could ask your mother…” he mumbles.
“You know that I would not ask my mother for help,” I hiss under my hands and begin to cry.
Jörg doesn’t let up. “Your mother loves you. I’m certain she’s sad that you’ve pulled away from her.”
“Do you think that comes across very well if I contact her now when I’m in trouble?”
“She’s your mother. She won’t ask for the details. Let her help you.”
Now he moves to touch me and I pull back away from him. “Jörg, don’t touch me!” I yell. “Never again, do you hear?” His hand falls back on the table and my anger gains the upper hand. “Get out!” I snarl at him.
He nods and stands up. He probably knows me so well that he expected this reaction. Objectively, he says: “I will of course stick to the notice period. Officially I’ve put you on vacation, and included your overtime, so you won’t suddenly be without money.”
“How gracious of you!”
I hold myself together until I hear the apartment door close softly. But then I grab his coffee cup and hurl it into the hallway. The coffee splashes on the walls and on the floor, before the porcelain shatters on the white tiles. A silent cry is on the tip of my tongue. I open my mouth and collapse in a heap. Then I fall apart again weeping.
Much later, while I’m cleaning up the pieces, I wonder what led Mister unknown to call Daniela. I’m sure that it was him. Certainly, he has already spoken to me about this subject, so I can put the pieces together and figure out that he took care of my departure.
But why? Is a bruised ego enough for such an act? Was it not clear to him that he would destroy my life with just a phone call? I can’t stay in my apartment any longer so I go for a walk. I don’t stroll leisurely through the streets as I usually would but march aggressively onwards. It helps me to blow off steam.
Amazed, I notice a little package waiting for me at my front door when I get back. Is this the bomb that’s going to wipe out what’s left of my life? The sender is however known to me. Angelika Preu, Mr. unknown’s lawyer, has sent me a packet. And it looks like she brought it personally, because there’s only my name on it, no address.
My pride should prevent me from opening this package. But my curiosity prevails. I am amazed as I discover it is the blue pajamas from the night before – and a letter.
Dear Ms. Wagner,
my client would like to hereby transmit to you his kindest wishes and apologies for his bad mood yesterday evening as you left, and has enclosed the items of clothing as a gift as compensation.
Furthermore, the draft of a new contract, which guarantees you a permanent position with my client is also enclosed with the package.
Think about it and call me.
With kind regards
Angelika Preu
I no longer understand the world. Last night he said that he didn’t want to continue employing me, and I don’t want it either. And today?
What has changed since last night? Yes… the visit from Adam! Was that a test?
And getting me fired! To make the decision even easier for me, he makes sure that I lose my other job. How wonderfully contrived!
However, he didn’t even write a few lines himself. He cannot really imagine that I’m going to take him up on his offer!
Outraged, I dial the number for the attorney, but only reach her mailbox. Although I try to adopt a neutral tone, I hear my anger when I say: “Hello, Mrs. Preu. This is Josefine Wagner. I found your package outside my door. But I must tell you that, sadly, I have no interest in the position. Please inform your client that I do not wish to have any more contact with him, neither in writing nor by phone and definitely not personally. Thank you very much. Goodbye.”
Then I take a couple of deep breaths before I choose a number that I haven’t dialed for about two years and yet still know better than my own.
“Mom…,” I sob into the apparatus.
Chapter 19
My mother Dagmar lives with my stepfather, Walter Probst, in a posh suburb. From my apartment, it is only about an hour’s drive.
I lived in the big modern house for a long time, and now I will find shelter here again for awhile. My mother was delighted by my call and as she heard me crying on the phone, she offered immediately for me to come and stay as long as I think that it is necessary.
Now I’m on my way to her. I packed as if I were on a world tour. However, there’s no reason that I can’t check on my apartment from time to time.
I was mainly to blame for our radio silence. As a pubescent teenager, I did not take it well, that my mother had married another man after leaving my father. Moreover a much younger man than her. It also disturbed me quite a lot that I, more than once, heard my mother doing it with her new husband.
Walter is basically a very nice man, now 43 years old, always tanned and handsome with black hair and old-fashioned sideburns.
When he met my mother he had just finished med school and I supposed that he was merely after my mother’s money.
Today he is a successful doctor and plans to open his own private clinic soon. My mother told me that on the phone immediately, maybe also to distract me from my grief.
I am delighted that the ga
rden gate is open when I arrive and I drive directly into the small parking space for visitors. My mother hurries out to meet me. Her blonde hair and open blouse blow in the wind. She doesn’t look 52. Her figure is very feminine and her jeans emphasize her round hips. Under the blouse, she’s wearing a top and no bra as far as I can see. I find it remarkable that she can still do that at her age. I haven’t inherited the blond hair from her, but hopefully, I’ll get the good connective tissue!
I get out of the car.
“Hi,” she calls merrily. We don’t hug because we’re not the type for such greetings.
“Hi, Mom,” I smile shyly.
“I’ve spoken to Walter. He’s delighted that you’ll be moving in with us.”
“Temporarily, Mom. I don’t want to live with you permanently.”
“Of course. I’ll help you with the luggage.”
My old room has now been converted to the guest room. The irony of fate that I will inhabit this room again!
My mother leaves me alone, which I really appreciate. I can see her through the window, as she cuts some plants in the garden. She seems happy and satisfied.
In the late afternoon, Walter arrives in his car, and my mother approaches him immediately. The two fall into each other in an intimate kiss. Almost envious, I look at what is happening and am amazed to find myself thinking about Mister Unknown.
I’m ripped from my thoughts as Mom and Walter look up at me. Smiling, I wave and am relieved when Walter waves back. I really need to bury the hatchet with him.
I skip down the stairs as I used to and go up to Walter. “Hello,” I say as soon as I see him.
“Josi, welcome,” he replies smiling and offers me his hand. I take it and he squeezes my hand firmly while looking me in the eye. He also seems to want to make peace with me. Not that he was ever interested in a war, but he did not put up with my attacks.
“Thank you, for letting my stay here for a while.”
“Josi, you’re always welcome. I’m the last one who would object,” he says quietly and adds: “And you probably knew that.”
“I’ll make dinner,” my mom informs us. Walter immediately puts his arm on her shoulder and says: “I’ll come and help you in a moment.”
“Can I help with something?” I hear myself ask and the surprise in the faces looking at me shows me that this question is completely out of the ordinary.
Embarrassed I look to the ground, but I hear my mom say: “Well, of course.”
I go with her to the kitchen, with which I am actually still quite familiar.
“Mom?” I ask after a while, and because Walter is still nowhere to be seen.
“Yes, dear.”
“Did Walter actually tell you how mean I was to him?”
“Yes, Darling, he did.”
“Oh God.”
“You really vexed him. But I don’t think he thinks about it anymore,” she says casually. Our conversation is quickly finished, because Walter, freshly showered, appears and helps us lay the table.
At dinner, I’m pretty reserved and am pleasantly surprised because my “parents” simply talk to each other, without letting my presence bother them.
The next days follow a similar pattern. My mother leaves me to myself, Walter works most of the time, and I get the time I need to think about everything. I call my friends Carina, Jana, and Anja a lot, but no one gets to hear the whole story.
All are equally appalled that Jörg has let me go. Since no one knows the actual reason, I find myself in the position of having to defend him again and again. Jörg calls me a few times, but I ignore it. I hear nothing at all from Adam, but I am not bothered by that. I don’t answer the unknown number without ID who tries to reach me several times. I’ll never find out whether my mysterious employer is trying to reach me.
I’m walking aimlessly through the garden once again and do not notice my mother approaching me from behind. Suddenly she walks beside me and asks nicely: “Josefine, do you want to talk to me about it?”
“About what?”
“About the man who broke your heart.”
“Mom, Jörg dismissed me, he didn’t break my heart.”
“There’s something else. I’m your mother. You can not hide it from me.”
“There are a lot of men who have made my life difficult lately: Jörg, Adam, Henry and Mr. unknown.”
“Tell me about this Mister unknown.”
“If I do that, then I’ll have a lawsuit on my hands.”
My mother is horrified. “What did you get yourself involved with?”
“Nothing very much and now it’s over anyway.”
“I get it. You know, if you want to trust someone, then you can talk to Walter or me anytime.”
“Walter? Right, I’ll talk to a man about my problems with men! You think that’s a good idea?”
“I appreciate that he’s not your biological father, and I know that because of the age difference you can’t quite accept him as your stepfather, but he is concerned about you. Just last night he mentioned the incident with your first boyfriend again, the one which almost drove him crazy.” My mother smiles. “Do you remember it?”
“How could I forget. He threw Matthias out of the house, even though we were only sitting on the couch holding hands.”
“It was uncomfortable for him afterward. On the other hand, that’s when he realized that you’re like his own daughter. I believe that’s why he forgave me when I told him I didn’t want to have any more children.”
“I’ve not always treated him fairly,” I say more to myself.
“How about a long overdue stepfather stepdaughter conversation then?”
“Let me think about it. I’m pretty cowardly in this regard.”
My mom pats me on the shoulder and then turns back to her garden. She pulls a ladder under the big apple tree, climbs and begins to cut back branches.
I walk further and am dwelling on my thoughts when I suddenly hear her scream.
Immediately, I turn around and run to her. She is lying on the ground under the tree. Her face is contorted with pain and she’s holding her shoulder.
“Oh shit!” I screech. Her shoulder looks strange, it’s not at all good. “I’ll call an ambulance,” I command myself and pull my phone out of my pocket.
Then, I take care of my mother, stroke her hair and try to distract her from the pain. Finally, the ambulance comes. The two paramedics immediately decide to take her to the hospital.
“Which hospital are you going to?” I ask.
“Park,” the paramedic says briefly.
“I’m going to call Walter. Don’t worry!” I say stunned, although actually, I’m the one that is worried.
I have never saved Walters phone number in my phone. So I scroll through my mother’s address book with flying fingers. She is of the opinion that there is nothing worse than saving all your data in a cell phone and depending on it.
Fortunately, I find Walter’s number and I have even greater luck because he answers immediately. I tell him what happened.
“Jeez. I’m on my way,” he says.
“I’m coming too. See you there.”
When I arrive at the hospital, my mom is just having an X-ray and I wait on a chair in front of the door. After a while, Walter arrives in the X-ray Department. Although he is a doctor, he looks lost, completely rattled. I jump up and when he sees me, he shakes his head frantically. I can’t do anything but take him in my arms, which he accepts gratefully.
At some point, we sit down and he explains: “the shoulder is dislocated, but it’s not going back in again. They have to operate immediately.”
I nod silently and then laugh bitterly.
“You’re laughing?”
“Well, the last thing mom said to me
before the accident was that we should have a stepfather-stepdaughter conversation. If I’d known how she intended to arrange it I would have talked her out of it.”
Walter smiles easily now too before he curiously asks: “What did you want to talk about with me?” He seems to be happy about the distraction, just as I am.
“Well, she suggested I should discuss my man problems with you, I, however, did not think that was such a good idea. Then we talked about what happened with Matthias.”
“Don’t remind me! I behaved like a deranged father.”
“Unfortunately I didn’t realize that at the time.”
“That I’m deranged?”
“No, that you were like a father to me,” I whisper very softly and Walter looks at me carefully. “I haven’t treated you as you deserve. I was mad at you because you ruined my absurd hope that my parents could get back together again.”
“I know,” Walter says quietly.
“But that wasn’t a reason to yell at you, turn on you, or to call you an asshole,” I mumble quietly. “I realized too late that you really love my mom.”
“Better late than never. And I’d already forgot you called me an asshole,” Walter grins at me. “Didn’t forget the screaming though.”
“Oh, jeez, in hindsight it’s really embarrassing,” I say and bury my face in my hands.
“I have to admit, I told Dagmar everything you did. I left out your naked excursion though.”
“Thank you,” I mutter. For years the question of whether my mother knows that I walked naked through the house to test Walter has tormented me. “Why didn’t you tell her?”
“I don’t know. Somehow I got the impression that it could create more trouble than it was worth” he grins at me. “You were a teenager, totally out of hand. I didn’t want to make your already uneasy relationship with your mother any more difficult. Besides, I avenged myself.”
“Oh, yes, that’s right!” I have to laugh when I think about it. The next day he told my friend, who had come to visit, that we should go buy some more clothes because it seemed I had nothing to wear. “I stand corrected,” I tease him. “You’ve been a really nasty stepfather.”