People dip into their chairs as the time ticks by, and I can faintly hear Ryke asking Lo about Daisy’s modeling career. I don’t hear the answer, too fixated on the way the photographer holds his camera. His muscles flex and I imagine him holding me instead. Stop.
I inwardly groan and rub my sweaty palms on my dress. I’m a junkie who needs another hit, and I hate that the quickie in the bathroom didn’t satiate me. I’ve already fucked up. How angry will Rose be at me for not going backstage? Stop.
I don’t want to think about that.
The lights dim. “Lo,” I breathe. “Lo, I need to…” I can’t say it, but the tone of my voice speaks for me.
“The show is about to start, Lil,” he whispers. “You have to hold out.”
I don’t know if I can. I squirm in my seat, battling the cravings for my favorite natural high.
And then my parents start to enter. Ryke rises and stretches his arms. “Hey, I’m going to go to the bathroom before the show starts.” He’s going to the bathrooms where I want to go. Lo’s brows bunch, staring at him until he disappears.
I cross my legs, sweat gathering on my skin. I can’t do this. I need someone…I need to relieve this…I stand.
“Lily,” Lo protests, jumping up with me. “Lily, your sister. Think about Rose.”
“I can’t,” I whisper, bolting towards the exit, leaving Connor between three empty seats. His usual content expression has fractured. He looks pissed.
Lo says, “Think about afterwards, Lily. Please.” I’ll feel horrible. Yes. But I can’t stop my feet from moving, or my breath from hitching. There’s a place so deep down, a compulsion that must be sustained. I need this. I need it more than breath, more than air, more than life itself.
It’s a stupid thought. One that makes no right-around sense. But it’s what drives me.
I pass my parents as they look on with confusion. Lo stays back to spout off some excuse, and I head outside. In the freedom of the city. In the parking lot where the cars line up like black dots.
I unlock Nola’s Escalade that my parents I’m sure used to get here. Thankfully she’s not inside. I slide in the backseat and hike up my dress. Before I do anything, the door opens, and Lo crawls in. He coarsely grabs my ankle and yanks me towards him. I’m lost to these feelings.
I’m lost to him.
When I come down from the high and after the stimulating hormones leave, everything rushes back and tears begin to burn. “What’s wrong with me?” I choke. I start to dress quickly, finding my bra littered on the Escalade floor. Lo moves at a much more sluggish pace, and he looks sick to his stomach.
“Lil,” he says softly and reaches out to touch my hand. I pull back instantly, too frantic and shamed for such comfort.
“No, we have to go before it ends. Maybe she won’t notice…” As I open the car door, people already begin to pool out into the darkened parking lot, swinging gift bags in their hands. What? It’s over? I missed the entire thing?!
“Lily…” His suit jacket is draped on his arm, and he hesitates a moment before placing a hand on my shoulder.
“Did you know the time?” I question. “Why didn’t you stop me?”
“I tried,” Lo breathes. He swallows hard, pained. “Lil, I tried about five times.”
“What?” I shake my head. “I don’t remember that. I don’t…”
“Hey, hey, it’s okay…” He brings me to his chest, wrapping his arms around me in a cocoon. “Shhh, Lil, it’s okay.”
No it’s not.
I should have stopped the first time. Why did I convince myself that this would be worth a high? I push him off, the guilt almost suffocating me. “No, no, I’ve got to apologize.” I slide my feet into my heels, trying to focus. It’ll be okay. I’ll make up some lie about food poisoning and then say a few sorrys and smooth everything over.
It’ll be fine.
My heart beats as loud as the crowd pouring through the glass double doors. I don’t have to walk far to find my parents. They’re already heading to the car with Poppy and Sam in tow.
They laugh and Poppy shows a picture to my mother on her Blackberry. When Poppy notices me approaching, her face falters and the expression passes between the four of them. My presence has sucked all joy from their features.
“I-I,” I stammer. “I didn’t feel well. I had stomach cramps and was really dizzy. I don’t think I ate enough. We thought there might be food in the car.”
My father turns to Sam, completely ignoring me. “I have a Fizzle report you should see.” He ushers Poppy’s husband away and gives Lo a long glare as he passes by.
I evade my mother, who is probably searing me with a look that could freeze over Florida. That leaves Poppy.
“Honestly, I didn’t feel well. I would never miss Rose’s fashion show.” The lie burns my throat.
Poppy’s eyes rise to my hair and I subconsciously flatten the wild strands. Lo touches the small of my back and I jerk away again.
“Your dress is wrinkled,” my mother tells me coldly before setting her eyes onto Lo. “Maybe try to control your hormones during family events.” What? No.
“Lo didn’t—”
“No, you’re right,” Lo interjects and I stare at him dumbly. “I’m sorry. It was the wrong time. It won’t happen again, Samantha.”
My mother processes his words for a small moment before she nods slightly. With pursed lips she passes us for the car. Poppy remains, disappointment coating her eyes. “Rose is inside, but I don’t think she wants to talk to you right now. Give her some time to cool down.”
Poppy leaves before I can say anything else. Not that I have anything other than another pathetic apology.
I can’t wait until tomorrow. It hurts too much to not at least confront her. I start towards the building but Lo grabs my wrist.
“What are you doing?”
“I have to talk to her.”
“Did you not just hear Poppy?” Lo says with wide eyes. “Let Rose calm the fuck down. Unless you want your heart ripped out.” Maybe I do. Maybe I deserve it.
Connor pushes open the glass doors with his shoulder, his hands preoccupied with texting. I bolt for him, and when he looks up, his face darkens.
“How is she?” I ask, glancing past him for a peek.
He steps in front of me, blocking me from any visual or entrance. “Not happy,” he says, his voice tight.
“Where’s Ryke?” Lo wonders with a frown.
“He left. He was sick.”
“I think it was something we ate,” I say.
Connor’s eyebrows furrow in disbelief. “Was that before or after you left to screw in the car?”
I stumble back from the blow to the gut. My shoulders hit Lo’s chest and this time I let him wrap an arm around my waist.
“Hey, back off, Connor,” Lo warns.
Connor barely blinks. “I’ve been around you both long enough to know that the bathroom breaks aren’t for synchronized bladder attacks. Which is fine. Your sex life is frankly none of my business.” He glances back at the building and then looks to me. “You should go,” he suggests.
“I want to apologize first.”
“Why?” Connor’s tone stays flat and edged. I’ve insulted him or disgusted him in some way. The one person I thought was unable to be repulsed by me.
“She needs to know I’m sorry.”
“She sold her line to Macy’s and has an offer from H&M,” Connor tells me. “Don’t ruin that by trying to make yourself feel better. Just leave, Lily.”
I don’t know what else to do. So I take the advice and disappear.
The next day I try calling Rose’s cell almost every hour with no luck. After my tenth attempt at reconciliation, I toss the phone onto the floor and scream into my pillow. This is why I don’t do family functions. This is why I don’t have friends. I disappoint everyone.
My door opens and I turn my back on Lo who shuffles inside. “She’ll forgive you, Lil. Maybe not me…but definitely you.”
I cringe. My mother thought his spiked hormones ruined the night, but it was all me. I hate that he’s taking the blame this time.
Lo sits on the foot of the bed and tentatively places a hand on my ankle. Instantly, I pull away and rise to the headboard. “I don’t…” I mutter.
His eyebrows bunch together in concern. “Do you want to quit?” And what? Be celibate? I don’t even know what quitting sex means. How do you quit something that’s engrained in human nature?
“Maybe. No. I don’t know.” Should I get rid of my porn? But what will happen a week from now when I realize this won’t work. I’ll just have to rebuy my entire stash. Not worth it.
“I’ll support you in whatever you decide,” Lo tells me.
Guilt stops me from having sex. Literally driving all of my hormones into a state of perpetual chastity. I bury my head into my knees. I need to make a decision, but I’ve been ping-ponging between choices. It was one mistake, spurned from being around my family. I just have to separate myself again. Distance. Once I apologize to Rose, I’ll back off and everything will return to normal. Clean and compartmentalized.
“I’m going to talk to Rose,” I decide. “Then we’ll have sex.”
He kisses my temple. “I’ll be here, love.” He nibbles my ear.
I grab a pillow and playfully whack him in the chest. He smiles but respects my wishes and stops from sexily wrestling it from me. In part he looks a bit relieved. I know I haven’t been the best company, all mopey and self-involved.
I slide from the bed. I’m going to confront her now when I have the chance. Tomorrow she’ll be back at Princeton and I’ll be too busy trying not to fail my classes to drive and see her. “Do you think she’ll let me in?”
“Tough call. Depends if she finally got laid,” Lo says.
I give him a hard glare and he holds up his hands in peace. I’m proud that my sister hasn’t given up her V-card to just anyone.
Quickly, I brush my hair, grab my coat and leave Lo in the kitchen where he starts fixing himself a mild afternoon drink. On the way to Villanova I try to formulate a speech, but by the time I get to the house, everything flutters away.
I dodge the staff that mills around the mansion and climb the grand staircase toward Rose’s old room where she stays when she visits. I knock a couple of times before the door swings open. As soon as her yellow-green eyes hit me, her lips purse and her entire body goes rigid like she’s practicing to be a guard for the Queen of England.
“We need to talk,” I say, glad that the door hasn’t hit me in the face yet. That’s something.
She continues to block the entrance into her room. I’m obviously unwelcome in her sanctuary. I’ve really screwed up this time. “What is there to talk about? You had sex with Loren during my fashion show. I’m done being surprised or hurt or shocked, Lily,” she says, removed from the drama.
“I’m sorry.” I touch my chest. “You don’t know how sorry I am. I promise I’ll be a better sister.”
Rose shakes her head, brows furrowing. “Stop, Lily. I’m tired of your promises. You’ll always choose Lo. And the two of you will never give a shit about anyone else. You’re selfish, and unless I want to go through life constantly disappointed, I’ve learned to accept that character flaw. You should do the same.”
Her cellphone rings in the background and she glances back, still not offering to let me inside. “I have to go. It’s Macy’s.” She shuts the door before I can even utter the word congratulations. Maybe I should have started with that.
I contemplate her words on the ride home, and wonder if she’s right. If accepting the fact that I’m selfish and unable to change will help heal the guilt.
If not—maybe sex will.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
I make an effort to call Rose more often. For the most part she answers and gives me updates on Calloway Couture. Sometimes she’s short with me, but it’s better than slammed doors. While I try to heal my relationship with Rose and ignore the rest of my family, Lo spends time with Connor at the gym.
Ryke continues to follow us around, and since the fashion show where—for one strange moment—Lo and Ryke seemed to band together, they’ve been much more cordial. Ryke has pretended to scribble notes for his fake article, but he usually tries to understand Lo. Last night, they started talking about their experience with nannies. One of Lo’s used to drink strawberry margaritas and was sloshed by noon. Apparently Ryke had a similar situation, only his nanny let him sip her mimosas and bloody marys. He was only nine.
I pull a brush through my wet hair while Lo rubs a towel through his. Shower sex. Classy.
I almost can’t remember why I was so worried about my lifestyle. I’m more than capable of making everything work.
Today the professor posted the econ grades online. As usual, Lo refuses to divulge his grade, but I earned a C+, which is practically an A+ in Connor’s mind. He insisted on celebrating. Only for Connor Cobalt can achievements wipe slates clean. Lo somehow squirmed back into his good graces too. After the fashion show stunt, I thought we’d be blacklisted from any events with Connor. But I think it all comes down to Rose. His one human weakness happens to be my sister. And if she’s forgiven me, then she’s probably ordered him to do the same.
I’m still trying to untangle my hair when Connor arrives with Ryke. Lo leaves to answer the door and I snap one of the comb’s teeth. Really? How is that even possible? I’ve finally acquired a superpower—indestructible hair. Super lame.
My door stands open as I search for another comb. Or better yet, an actual brush to tackle these knots. I hear the guys in the living room, but they must not realize it because their conversation turns from the best pizza joints in Philly to me.
“Whose idea was it to ditch the fashion show?” Ryke asks.
“Is this for your article?” Lo wonders.
“No, just curious.”
“I wanted to fuck her. So I did. And didn’t you ditch the show too? What’s your excuse?”
“I have a hot girlfriend that I wanted to fuck,” he banters. “No, really, I had food poisoning from that taco stand around the corner.”
“We eat there all the time,” Lo says. “I’ve never been sick.” Does he think Ryke’s lying? He has no reason to. Actually, he probably wishes he could have stayed to witness my demise.
“Then maybe it was bad milk in my cereal. I don’t fucking know,” he says exasperatedly.
Connor cuts in. “It was really your idea, Lo?”
I close my eyes, hoping Lo rejects some of the blame.
“She wasn’t exactly saying no.” Okay, I thought that would feel better.
“It takes two to make love and only one person to make a mistake.” Connor must turn to Ryke as he says, “Write that down.”
“It’s all up here.” I imagine him pointing to his head.
“Do you have any friends?” Lo wonders in an easy tone. “We have to be seriously grating on you by now.”
“Lily, definitely. Connor, maybe. You’re okay.”
“Well you’re not my type of company either, Meadows,” Connor says casually, not offended.
“I’m definitely writing that one down for the article.”
“You should just quote everything I say, and I expect my name in the headline. Like ‘Children of Tycoons, featuring Connor Cobalt, an upcoming entrepreneur to look out for.’”
“I’ll consider it, but my professor doesn’t like ending things with prepositions. So I think I’ll end it with, ‘featuring Connor Cobalt: You’ll want to kiss his ass.’”
“Perfect,” Connor exclaims.
I finally find a brush stuffed in my sock drawer and finish battling the knots. When I brace the kitchen, I see Lo pouring a glass of scotch. I sidle up next to him and he wraps an arm around my waist.
Ryke mouths, Distract him.
I shake my head. I am done trying to force Lo to do anything, not at the expense of our relationship.
Ryke flips me off,
and Connor’s too stuck in his cellphone to notice. I stick out my tongue at him, really mature, I know.
Lo grabs my chin and turns my head towards him. “Did you just stick your tongue at him?” He wears an amused grin.
I shake my head. “Nope.”
“She did,” Ryke rats me out.
“He flipped me off!” I refute.
Lo kisses me on the lips, shutting me up. Oh… When he breaks, his warm breath hits my ear. “I love you.” My heart flutters at the words. Before I can reciprocate, his phone vibrates on the counter.
I catch a glimpse of the screen, my stomach dropping. “Maybe you shouldn’t answer it.”
Lo takes the phone and presses the receiver to his ear. “Hey Dad.” He walks towards the bedroom for privacy.
To preoccupy my mind, I go to the fridge and find a Cherry Fizz, popping the can. I remember I owe Connor a thousand bucks for passing my econ exam. I’m not in the mood to fish out my checkbook right now, but I’ll plan a search for it later. It may very well be hiding underneath my bed. Or in a random purse.
“Connor,” I say, “Can I pay you later for our bet?”
One of Ryke’s eyebrows arches. “What bet?”
Connor distractedly answers and texts at the same time. “A thousand dollars on whether or not she would pass her econ exam. And Lily, I don’t want your money.”
“Oh…”
“However, I’d love a favor.” He has yet to look up at me.
Ryke lets out a short laugh. “You would choose favors over cash.”
Connor doesn’t argue.
“What kind of favor?” I ask.
“When you feel up to it, I think you should work for your sister. It doesn’t have to be now. Maybe sometime in the spring. She’s looking to hire an assistant at Calloway Couture, and I know she’d love for you to be involved.”
My stomach sinks. “As much as I’d like to be working with my sister, I know nothing about fashion.”
“That’s why you’re an assistant and not running the company.”
“That doesn’t sound fun.” And how will I be able to take sex breaks? I can’t believe that’s all I can think about: how to schedule in porn, how to sneak Lo through her offices, how to find time to feed my desires.
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