Am I ready? Am I ready to let go? Is that even possible? But the alternative is to hold on, letting fear rule my life, walking every day with a shadow over me, so that every time I look in the mirror, a piece of me is afraid of what I see. It’s allowing my past to rule my future.
I don’t want to live like that.
“I’m ready,” I say. Fear slowly creeps up my body, rising until it crests over my head and washes back down, sending chills along my spine and tingles to my toes.
The plane lifts off the runway and into the air, and I decide, right now, to leave my fear on the ground. My body becomes buoyant as we climb. The buoyancy filters all the way down into my heart.
“We’re at five hundred feet. Now, I’m going to retract the flaps.” Kieran’s eyes are focused on the vastness in front of us, calculating our movement through the air. My chest is no longer tight. It’s expansive, like the sky.
“Did you feel it? The rush?” I ask him.
Kieran smiles. “Every time.”
We get to our cruising altitude, one thousand feet. As the plane levels and Kieran pulls back on the throttle, I dare to glimpse out the window at what’s below. Dublin sprawling below us and out to the west, to the ocean. My nerves aren’t fully relaxed, but instead of being worried they might take control, they’re more of a comfort now—they give me a sense of being alive. This is the buzz Kieran seeks, the hum of adrenaline that makes you want to yelp with excitement.
The blue ocean sparkles in the sunlight, and to the east, the city is a tangled web of streets and buildings. Bridges extending from one side of the river to the other.
“What’s the name of the river?” I ask.
“The River Liffey,” he says.
“Right.” I make a mental note.
I see a gigantic round building that resembles a spaceship and ask him what it is.
“Aviva Stadium,” Kieran says.
“Have you been there?”
“Loads of times for Rugby matches and concerts.” He circles the plane around.
“Is it fun?”
Kieran grins wickedly. “What kind of fun are you talking about? Watching Rugby players bash into each other, or what we did last night?” I feel myself blush. “I will admit I’ve never had that kind of fun there . . . but there’s time to change that.”
Kieran’s cocky expression turns me inside out, but the view needs my attention for now. I notice his apartment building towering above the rest, and to the south, far off in the distance where the buildings become sparse and the rolling hills start again, a mountain comes into view.
“And that?”
“That’s Sugar Loaf.”
“Have you climbed it?”
“In the dark, with a twelve pack of beer.” He grins at the memory.
“Maybe we could climb it someday.”
Kieran nods. “If you’d like.”
He points out the Guinness factory and Dublin Castle and Grafton Street, adding that at this time of year, each of them is overrun with tourists. “We’re avoiding the crowd,” he says.
Taking the plane around again, he shows me the expansive grounds of Trinity College. It takes up a large portion of Dublin.
“Do you like going to school there?” I ask.
“I didn’t have a choice.” Kieran shrugs.
“If you did have a choice, would you have done something different?”
“I would have done a lot differently.” Kieran keeps his attention on the sky in front of us as he turns the plane. “I want to show you something else.”
We fly off the coast and over Dublin Bay. Kieran takes the plane north, away from the city, and starts to decrease our altitude. When the plane begins to descend, my stomach jumps.
“I just want to get a little lower so you can see well,” he says calmly.
“What am I looking for?”
“There are cliffs just outside of the city in Howth. When I was at school, I got in the habit of going there anytime life seemed . . . overwhelming.” Kieran’s eyes grow serious. “It’s gorgeous, but on a windy day, there’s no telling if you’ll make it back alive. It always made me feel better about my life when I walked away in one piece.”
The plane cruises along the coast until I see what Kieran is talking about. Steep cliffs of green line the ocean, the white foam of salt water crashing against them. The land is rugged and rolling, and the cliffs are sheer, jagged drop-offs straight down into the water below. Trails line the land, and I can see a few people out hiking.
“Will you take me on the cliff walk?” I ask.
“Sometime,” Kieran agrees.
“Tomorrow!”
The gleam returns to Kieran. “Only if you promise to hold my hand the entire time.”
I take it as an invitation to hold his hand now.
Kieran glances down at our interlaced fingers. “I think you’re braver than me, Bunny.”
“That’s impossible,” I say.
“You are. I’m sure of it.”
Eventually, Kieran turns the plane back toward the airport. “Weather’s coming in,” he says. “We’ll want to be back before the rain starts.”
Kieran talks me through the steps he takes to land the plane safely. My nerves spike again as the nose angles down toward the ground, but they don’t overwhelm me this time. The earth gets closer and closer, and when the wheels touch down, Kieran and I bounce in our seats, and I feel like I might burst with joy.
“You did it!” I yell. “We made it!”
Kieran taxis the plane back to where it was parked when we arrived and turns off the engine. But instead of climbing out, he stays in his seat, eyes on the control panels in front of him, his expression unreadable.
“What is it? Aren’t you happy?” I ask.
Kieran nods. “Yes. I’m happy.” But he’s not telling me all of it. “You need to know . . . I didn’t think this would happen when I saw you at the hospital. You were just so stubborn.”
“Stubborn? Me?” I smirk at him.
“You surprised the hell out of me, Bunny.”
I recall that Clive had an opinion about surprises. I place my hand on Kieran’s cheek and turn his face toward mine. “Surprises make the story interesting.”
Kieran takes my hand from his face and inspects it, running his fingers along mine and then inching his way up my arm, letting his fingertips inspect my skin. My stomach knots the higher his fingers travel.
“No scars,” he whispers. When his hand reaches my lower lip, his thumb traces the outline of my mouth.
“None that you can see from the outside.”
“And the ones I can’t see?” he asks. “What about those?”
The pulse between us is alive. I place my hand on top of Kieran’s. “They don’t matter anymore.”
In this moment, I’m desperate for the twisting of bodies, for us to lose our clothes and time and just collapse into each other. But a raindrop falls on the windshield. We both notice it.
Kieran’s hand falls from my face. “We better get going. The rain’s coming.”
Back at the apartment, rain slashes on the windows. It’s dreary outside, but inside, I’m still floating. The buoyancy of flying without fear has a lasting effect. I walk straight to the windows and start pointing out all the sites we saw today, my nose pressed to the glass.
“I can see Aviva Stadium from here.” I point south. “And Sugar Loaf!”
Below, the rain makes the canal murky and the rest of the city gray on gray. When I turn around, I find Kieran watching me with a keen eye.
“You impress me, Bunny.”
“Why? Because I can bake without a recipe?” I joke.
“Don’t do that. Don’t sell yourself short.” Kieran walks toward me. “You’re the strongest person I’ve ever met.” His fingers play with my purple hair. “With a somewhat impulsive side that can lead to reckless behavior.”
I touch Kieran’s face, the stubble on his chin. “You saved me.”
“No.” He
shakes his head. “I had good timing. You would have saved yourself, with or without me.”
Without me . . . The thought guts me. Kieran’s done so much for me. He’s challenged me in ways I couldn’t have imagined. When he says I’m strong, I believe it, but he helped expose that in me.
Life is a collaborative effort. We can’t do it on our own.
Kieran’s stomach growls, lightening the moment, and we laugh. An idea comes to me then.
“Stay here,” I say. I go to the closet and get a raincoat. “I’m going to the store.”
“Bunny, it’s pouring outside.”
“I won’t be gone long. There must be a place close by.”
“You’re crazy to go out in this. Just stay. We’ll order something.”
Kieran doesn’t understand what he did for me today, and while the extent of it has to remain hidden for now, I can offer something back to him, piece by piece. “Just tell me where the market is.”
“Three blocks down is a Tesco market.”
It isn’t far. I should be back shortly.
“Are you sure you want to do this?” he asks.
I open the apartment door, determined and blissful. “Definitely.”
The rain hits me hard when I step outside of Millennium Tower. The air is cool, with a slight stench of dead fish coming off the water. I hug Kieran’s raincoat around me and make my way toward the Tesco.
The wind blows, spitting rain in my face as I cross the street and take the bridge across the canal. Even with the rain, the fresh air feels nice. I breathe it in, feeling alive, and even take off my hood and turn my face upward, smiling as the rain falls on my skin. I can’t help but revel in how far I’ve come. The streets of Dublin are laid out before me like a sign—I can choose any road to go down.
The bright lights of the Tesco are just two blocks ahead. I pick up speed, my hair now soaked, rain dripping from the ends. The gray clouds make it seem later in the evening than it really is, and the lights from the establishments seem even brighter.
I cross the last street, my destination in sight, but I stop as a vision catches my eye. The sign above the door says Dillon’s Pub. Inside, TVs are on. I look through the window, and in a single moment, the world starts spinning too quickly. Seeing myself on the TV screen is disorienting. I walk into the pub, any thought of food gone.
Andy comes on the TV. He’s standing in front of Paudie’s Pub, his cocky face taking up most of the screen.
“I knew I’d seen her somewhere before, and then it hit me!” Andy knocks the side of his head. “She’s that girl who survived the plane crash . . . just with purple hair! She even told me she was from Cleveland! She was hiding out in this boring town the whole time!” Andy holds up the picture he took of us, flashing it to the camera, a shit-eating grin on his face. “There she is—Lusty Lavender. My friends are gonna freak when they hear this.”
The screen flashes to a reporter standing along the beach in Waterville and holding an umbrella in the rain.
“The girl’s father and authorities have searched the town, but have yet to discover if Clementine Haas is still here. While Paul Haas has stayed quiet the month since his daughter went missing, we’ve just been informed that in a few minutes he will finally break his silence, making a public plea for his daughter’s safe return.”
I back into the door of the pub, causing a few people to turn. I bring my hood up immediately and walk out, numb all over. I can’t catch my breath. The rain continues to pour on me. I lean back against the wall as my new reality sets in. Everyone knows what I look like now. They know I was in Waterville. There’s nowhere to hide anymore. I can’t conceal who I am from . . . anybody.
My stomach rolls with nausea, and I almost throw up, but there’s nothing left in me.
I knew this might happen, but my bliss blinded me to it. As I drifted from the headlines, I didn’t think about the possibility that I’d be back on the front page. Waterville was supposed to be safe, but I’m not protected anywhere now. I should have known I couldn’t stay hidden forever. That at some point, my house of lies would come crashing down.
Back at Millennium Tower, the elevator takes me up to the tenth floor. I open the door to Kieran’s apartment, my saturated clothes hanging heavily on me. Kieran sits in the leather chair in the living room. He stands when I walk in.
My entire body hurts, inside and out, even the tears streaming down my face. I deserve this pain. You can’t avoid hurt. You’re only choice is to live through it.
“Bunny, what happened? What’s going on?” Kieran comes to me, taking the wet raincoat off while I stand like a statue, feeling like I’m cracking apart, one lie at a time.
“Ask me the question,” I say.
For a moment, Kieran is confused. Then he understands. “Truth or dare?”
There’s only one thing left to do. “Truth.”
CHAPTER 24
The beginning is the only place to start—waking up in the hospital with no memory. My confession dominoes from there. The crash, my unknown life before, the lie about being mugged, the real reason I left the hospital, the real reason I dyed and cut my hair, the real reason I’m afraid of heights, the media that’s been hunting for me . . . my real name. All of it . . . finally real.
The expression on Kieran’s face makes me shudder. He sits still on the couch in the living room, his brows pulling tighter the more I talk. When he runs his hands through his hair, like he does when he’s frustrated, my stomach tightens.
“But everything I said to you I meant,” I plead. “That wasn’t a lie.”
“Except the part about who you really are,” Kieran counters.
I grab his hand. “You have to believe me when I say I don’t know who Clementine Haas is. I can’t take ownership of her life. I don’t want it.”
“Your birthday?” Kieran asks.
“That was the truth. I read the date on my chart at the hospital.”
“And your dad . . .”
This is the most shameful part. I can’t bear to even glance in his direction. “He’s been waiting for me in Limerick this whole time.”
“How do you know?”
“I called the hospital one night, about a week after I left, and spoke with my nurse, Stephen. He said my dad was determined to stay in Ireland until I was found. At the time, it was a relief. I still thought I’d remember my life, but . . .” I drift off, knowing this is the part I need to tell him most of all. Jane’s life depends on it.
“But?”
“I still don’t remember anything!” I exclaim. “The memories haven’t come back! I’m not any closer to being Clementine Haas than I was the first day you met me. I know it feels like I’ve lied to you . . . but I couldn’t have told you the truth because I don’t know it in the first place. If I told you I was Clementine Haas, the girl from the accident, you wouldn’t have helped me. I needed to be away from the hospital and the media. Do you know how hard it’s been not to pick up a newspaper and read about my life? But it’s not mine.” My heart aches. “But with you . . . I feel like a new person. Like someone who has a life to look forward to, not just a past haunting her.”
“What if it comes back?”
I shake my head. “It’s not coming back.”
“How do you know?”
“It’s not!” I yell, immediately regretting that I raised my voice. “My past doesn’t matter anymore. I’m moving on. I’ll just keep running, if that’s what it takes.” I breathe and try to settle my nerves, but it’s no use. At this point, I’m a whisper away from cracking. “The question is: Are you moving on with me?”
My question lingers in the air, heavily, as if I could almost touch it. This day has turned upside down, but tomorrow . . . It won’t take the media long to figure out where I was staying. By tomorrow, Clive and Siobhan will see the papers. My identity will be revealed on the cover of every tabloid. I can dye my hair again and again, but I can’t stay hidden in Ireland forever. I gather one last ounce of courage.
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“I dare you to start a new life with me.”
Kieran’s eyes flash with something—possibility, maybe? Or maybe just the same reaction he has to every dare—the rush of doing something wholly unsafe to remind him he’s alive. It’s the ultimate dare, the one he’s most afraid of, but if on the other end, we can be together . . . I search his eyes for a sliver of possibility.
“I saw you flying today. I saw how happy you were.” I move closer, kneeling down in front of him. “You don’t need this.” I gesture around the lavish apartment. “We can start over . . . together.”
Kieran inhales audibly. I inch closer to him. Even now there’s electric heat between us.
“We can make it work,” I say, moving slowly, leaning in closer. And then closer. When Kieran shifts, I close my eyes and feel the warmth coming off his skin. My clothes are still damp, my hair wet, but right now I can’t feel anything but him.
Kieran’s hands grasp my arms, and for a second, I believe he’s going to kiss me and this nightmare will be over. But he sets me back on the couch before standing up.
“I think you better sleep on the couch tonight.” He leaves the room, and I am alone, the cold creeping back into my bones. I hear his bedroom door close with a click, our happy ending washed away with the Irish rain.
CHAPTER 25
My nightmares would be a relief. Drifting into the nothing of amnesia would feel better than shivering in the cold of reality. Lying on the couch in Kieran’s living room, my teeth chatter as I try to sleep.
The end is coming. My lies have overtaken the life I tried to have. The worst part is that I can’t even claim the life I lied about. Without Jane’s life, I have nothing, and with Clementine’s, I have nothing. I hug my knees to my chest, not wanting the sun to rise. Right now I might be miserable, but tomorrow . . .
The world will know who I am. Hiding will be impossible. I’m back where I started, except this time I don’t even have Stephen here to help me.
The rain has stopped now. The air outside is quiet and still. I try to imagine what the ocean sounds like in Waterville tonight. The whoosh of water as it crashes on the shore and the slurp as it sucks rocks and sand back out to sea. I thought I could avoid continually crashing, but as it turns out, it’s unavoidable. Even on the calmest day, the ocean still rolls into the beach and pulls pebbles out to sea.
The Upside of Falling Down Page 19