Memoirs of a Neurotic Zombie

by Jeff Norton

  Two of the campers, a boy and a girl, emerged from behind the set decoration and started juggling. As they threw balls and then bowling pins into the air, it was hard to avoid noticing their extra layers bouncing up and down on their tweenage frames.

  ‘See what I mean?’ said Corina. It wasn’t really a question.

  Suddenly, I heard a buzz pass by my ear, and I wondered if Adamini had somehow followed us here. But it was just a mosquito.

  ‘They’re healthy kids,’ said Growl with a faux-relaxed manner. ‘They’re having fun, eating well. Camp is the best time of their lives, and maybe yeah, they put on a little weight up here, but then there’s just more of them to—’

  Snap!

  With lightning-like reflexes, Corina reached out and pinched the buzzing mosquito out of the evening air.

  ‘You’re quick,’ said Growl. ‘Maybe you can use that as your talent when it’s your turn.’ He turned around to watch a group of outgoing campers start a poorly choreographed medley.

  I looked at Corina still holding the squirming mosquito between her finger and thumb.

  ‘It just bit someone,’ she said. ‘Its body is full of human blood. I can almost taste it.’

  ‘Please don’t,’ I said. But it was too late. She placed the insect on her tongue and closed her eyes, letting out a satisfied groan.

  Nesto watched with both horror and envy. ‘Okay, you two can never, ever, ever again say I’m gross because that was—’

  ‘So good,’ Corina grunted in a low voice.

  ‘Disturbing,’ I said. And I meant it. I didn’t know the limits of Corina’s self-control, but we were in a fenced-off camp, protected from bears, and these unsuspecting campers were trapped inside with one hungry vampire.

  * Mental note: don’t go to Greece.

  10

  In Which the Campers Take a Bow

  After the show, which consisted of ‘talents’ ranging from juggling to gymnastics, the departing campers took their final bow. We applauded politely as one of the camp counsellors, an older girl called Lana, led them offstage and into the darkness of the woods.

  Apparently it was camp tradition that the graduating campers put on their final show and then loaded straight onto the bus to drive through the night to return to their normal lives somewhere south of the wilderness.

  As they trotted off the stage, Lana led them in a rendition of the Camp Nowannakidda chant like the Pied Piper and they disappeared into the darkness. Corina looked downtrodden and disappointed. Like her dinner had just walked off.

  Growl stood up and clapped his hands. He addressed the hundred or so new campers. There were thirty-four from Croxton, and the other kids, as far as I could tell, came from all over the States. ‘That’ll be you in two weeks, but right now, it’s s’mores by the campfire. C’mon!’

  The new crop of campers rose from their hard seats and followed Growl down around the stage and towards the shoreline, where a bonfire was already roaring.

  ‘I’m going to skip the s’mores,’ said Corina.

  ‘Yeah,’ I said. ‘I’m not sure I could do with any more forced fun.’

  ‘Are you kidding, guys?’ asked Nesto. ‘Marshmallow plus graham cracker plus chocolate equals awe-some-ness.’

  ‘I suggest you go easy on the snacks,’ Corina said, patting Nesto’s belly. ‘Unless you want to become a plumpacabra.’

  ‘Ha!’ He laughed. ‘I burn, like, a billion calories in chupa mode. I literally can’t eat enough. I’ll have so much energy I can chup it up every night!’

  ‘I’m going to hit the coffin,’ Corina said. ‘Try to sleep off this hunger. You boys enjoy your overeating.’

  Corina disappeared into the woods and Nesto urged me down to the shoreline.

  ‘Nesto,’ I called, ‘wait up. I’m worried about Corina.’

  ‘You’re always worried, Adam. This is camp, you know – fun time. I think this is where you should relax and, well – don’t take this the wrong way – stop being you.’

  ‘Maybe, but I don’t want Corina to stop being her. And I don’t think she should be alone right now.’

  ‘You think she might eat those happy campers before they go?’ he asked, pretty much reading my mind.

  ‘I don’t know,’ I said. ‘But I think friends don’t let friends eat people.’

  ‘When you put it that way …’ said Nesto. ‘I’ll skip the s’mores and come with you.’

  We darted into the woods, leaving the newbie campers behind, and followed the graduating campers through the forest. They weren’t hard to follow because they’d started singing the Camp Nowannakidda camp song.

  We tracked them to the open fields beyond the dining hall, but couldn’t spot Corina.

  The waiting school bus was purring like a kitten suffering from hay fever. The campers joyously jumped onto their yellow chariot. I pushed a little closer, while hiding in the bushes. I tried to spot anything weird, but realised that the only weird thing was us: a zombie in make-up sneaking around in the woods with a bottled-up chupacabra.

  Lana ticked their names off a list as each camper boarded the bus. She smiled and gave the occasional hug or high five.

  ‘See you next summer!’ one of the campers cheered.

  ‘I’ll be here,’ she replied with a smile.

  As the last of the kids boarded the bus, I finally realized what I didn’t see: their luggage.

  These campers were shipping out to head back to their homes and yet they had no duffel bags, no wheelies, not even a backpack. I wondered, where was all their stuff?

  And, where were they really going?

  The school bus rumbled forth and disappeared through the fence’s gates.

  ‘That’s them off,’ said Lana. ‘You got all their bags, Dukie?’

  The really tanned camp counsellor in a sleeveless T-shirt and ripped jeans, stepped out of the darkness. ‘Got ’em all sorted.’

  ‘Thanks Dukie,’ said Lana. ‘You’re the best.’

  ‘I know it, my fans know it, and now you know it,’ he said with a laugh.

  ‘So long as we meet quota,’ she said. ‘We’ve got a big summer.’

  ‘It’s all good,’ replied Duke. ‘You gotta relaxi in the taxi.’

  ‘Guess so,’ said Lana. ‘So long as she has enough campers, it won’t be us on the bus.’

  Suddenly, I felt a tap on my shoulder – like a drop of dry ice.

  I turned around to see Corina’s pale face in the moonlight.

  ‘Something weird is going on,’ I said.

  ‘Yeah,’ she said. ‘You boys are following me.’

  ‘Adam was worried,’ said Nesto.

  ‘That’s nothing new,’ said Corina.

  ‘What was that?’ Lana said from the woods beyond the clearing.

  I shushed Nesto and Corina with the most aggressive finger-on-lips mime I could muster.

  Duke shone his flashlight all around. We ducked down to avoid the beam. ‘Probably just an animal.’

  ‘Yeah, probably,’ Lana agreed. ‘There’s a herd of moose that’s been hanging around the perimeter, and last week Growl spotted a bear.’

  ‘Too bad we can’t add them in,’ Duke said with a laugh.

  ‘You know the rules,’ said Lana. ‘Say, you coming for s’mores?’

  ‘I think I’ve earned it,’ he said, as they disappeared into the darkness.

  I had no idea what they were talking about but as soon as they were gone, Corina skulked off. Nesto and I followed her into the woods.

  ‘Hey,’ I whispered. ‘Are you okay?’

  She stopped and turned. ‘I don’t appreciate being spied on.’

  ‘Corina,’ I said. ‘We weren’t spying, we were looking for you. I was worried.’

  ‘I’m fine,’ she said with a huff.

  ‘You’re not fine,’ I said.

  ‘Adam thought you were going to go all-you-can-eat on that busload of kids.’

  I looked at Nesto and tilted my head accusingly. ‘Way to throw me unde
r the bus.’

  ‘You think that little of me, Adam?’ asked Corina. ‘Listen, Adam, I appreciate your concern, but I just needed some time alone, not to be stalked.’

  ‘I stalk because I care,’ I said.

  ‘Yeah, I care too,’ said Nesto, then turned back to me to whisper, ‘What are we caring so much about?’

  ‘You boys have fun,’ said Corina. ‘I’m going to bed, for real.’

  With that, she took the path back towards the tents and faded from sight, leaving Nesto and me under the starry sky.

  ‘Go on,’ I said. ‘Go get your s’mores.’

  ‘Really?’ he asked excitedly.

  I nodded, claiming, ‘I’ll be along in a few minutes.’ Something else was troubling me even more than a moody, hungry vampire. Something just didn’t seem right with Camp Nowannakidda and I wanted to find out more.

  11

  In Which I Find Too Many Shoes

  I sneaked back into the clearing where the campers had loaded onto the bus. It was covered in gravel and each footstep made a scratchy sound. I stepped as softly as I could. I wasn’t doing anything wrong, except for not joining in the campfire, but I still didn’t want to get caught.

  At the far left of the clearing, I spotted a barn that I hadn’t noticed before. It was painted dark red and from up close blocked out the stars. I didn’t hear any animals mooing or clucking inside, so I decided to take a peek.

  The barn door was huge and looked like it could fit the whole bus inside. As quietly as I could I lifted the heavy steel latch and slid the door aside. It was pitch-dark inside, but a musty smell hit me like I was in a second-hand clothes shop.

  I had recently become a customer of those places when I was forced to buy back some of my favourite clothes. My mom had donated all of my clothes when she (wrongly, though understandably) assumed I wasn’t coming back from the dead. But when I did, I bought back my favourite pair of no-iron jeans, an off-white button-down shirt, and my limited edition NinjaMan necktie (for special occasions, like should I ever get invited to a NinjaMan movie premiere), but I couldn’t find my collection of MetaWars socks. Seriously, who buys second-hand socks?

  I couldn’t see anything in the dark but curiosity compelled me to see what was inside. I fumbled for a light switch and finally, three overhead bulbs clicked on, revealing piles of clothes, shoes, and yes, even socks. My nose had been right, it was like a goodwill shop without the clothes racks or elevator music.

  I stood there, frozen and confused. I didn’t understand why hundreds, thousands probably, of kids’ shirts, shorts, shoes, and socks were piled up in some creepy barn. I wondered, Where were their owners?

  I suddenly felt very afraid and very alone.

  ‘Doing some late-night shopping?’ called a girl’s voice behind me.

  It turned out I wasn’t alone.

  ‘Or snooping?’ she added.

  I turned to see Lana, the camp counsellor who had loaded the senior campers onto their magical-mystery bus, silhouetted in the square doorway.

  ‘You startled me,’ I said, suddenly afraid.

  ‘And you surprised me,’ she said.

  ‘I, um, wanted to wave off the campers,’ I lied. ‘You know, give them one final standing ovation for their amazing talent show.’

  ‘That’ll be you in two weeks,’ she said. ‘I’m Lana.’

  ‘Oh, I’m Adam, Adam Meltzer. This is my first day at camp.’

  ‘Then you haven’t heard about our … clothing charity,’ she said. I couldn’t tell if she was asking me or telling me.

  I just shook my head.

  ‘At the end of every session, we ask the campers to donate as many of their clothes as they can spare to help the needy. At the end of summer, the camp makes sure the clothes and shoes and stuff—’

  ‘Socks too?’

  ‘We’ll take it all. We make sure it all gets washed and given to charities then handed out to the less fortunate at Christmastime.’

  ‘Oh,’ I said, suddenly feeling a bit foolish for feeling so ghoulish. ‘That’s a relief.’

  ‘What do you mean?’ she asked.

  I somehow didn’t feel right revealing my morbid anxiety about the piles of clothes, so I tap-danced a bit.* ‘You know, that you guys actually wash the clothes first. On a high heat, with antibacterial soap and fabric softener.’

  ‘Sounds like doing laundry is your talent, Adam,’ she said with a smile, leading me out and closing up the barn door.

  ‘It’s just a hobby,’ I said.

  ‘Talent show’s in just two weeks,’ she said. ‘What is your talent?’

  I was about to say, ‘rising from the grave’, but I certainly didn’t want to reveal my undead status. ‘Dancing,’ I said. ‘I’m a pretty good dancer.’

  I was doing myself down. I’m not just pretty good, I’m zomtastic. Since returning from the dead, I’d kept practising at Sunshine Studios, and I actually think my rhythm and timing had improved in my afterlife.

  We walked back through the woods and then across the fields. Lana told me her life story. She was born in somewhere called Sarnia, Ontario and always wanted to go to camp when she was my age.

  ‘In my last year of high school, I was working at a doughnut shop when this camp advertised for counsellors. So I signed up and made the cut. I’m in university now, studying to be a teacher, probably for kids your age, actually, but coming up here in the woods is like a dream job.’

  My suspicions started to fade. She was pretty normal, and not at all weird as I’d expected. ‘Can I ask you a question, Lana?’ I asked.

  ‘Anything, Adam.’

  ‘Why does everyone up here like doughnuts so much?’

  She laughed. ‘Ha, yeah, we do … we’re Canadian. It’s in the blood I guess.’

  In the blood.

  It made me think of Corina, and what a tough time she was having. She was hungering for human blood and although she projected an iron will, I couldn’t be sure that at some point she wouldn’t snap and go on a bloodsucking rampage, especially up here in the woods … with no phone signal and no witnesses. It felt like the perfect place for a vampire massacre. She chose to be a vegan, but being a vampire was … in the blood.

  ‘Can I ask you a question?’ Lana asked.

  ‘Anything,’ I said. I mean, she could ask anything she wanted, but that didn’t mean I had to answer.

  ‘What were you really doing snooping around?’ she asked. ‘I won’t tell anyone, I’m just curious.’

  ‘Well,’ I said, buying some time for my thankfully still-firing neurons to work out the best response. ‘If this isn’t too forward, do things seem a little strange to you here?’

  ‘What do you mean by strange?’

  ‘Um, are you guys deliberately fattening up us campers?’

  ‘Deliberately?’ She laughed. ‘We can’t keep you little guys away from the grub!’

  ‘It just seems—’

  ‘Adam, enjoy it. This camp is supposed to be an escape for you guys, away from school, away from your families, away from dinner-time rules that say you can’t have ice cream before your main meal. This is a place to let loose and have fun, and if this isn’t too forward, you strike me as the kind of guy who has trouble letting go and having fun.’

  ‘I have fun,’ I said. ‘In my own way. Ideally with indoor plumbing.’

  As we approached the campfire area, the flames were dying but the singing wasn’t. The happy campers were singing about a camel called Alice.

  Alice the camel had five humps.

  ‘I would’ve given anything at your age to go to camp, so enjoy it. For me, for that girl who never had the chance. Now get in there.’

  Alice the camel had four humps.

  ‘Okay,’ I agreed, exhaling and sitting down on a log beside Ernesto and Corina. Corina looked bored, and Nesto’s face was covered in marshmallow and chocolate.

  Alice the camel had three humps.

  ‘What’s with the escort?’ asked Corina.

&
nbsp; ‘Thought you were going to bed?’ I said.

  ‘Thought I’d try to control the hunger,’ she said, ‘instead of hiding from it. Speaking of hiding?’

  ‘I got a little lost,’ I said, not fully fessing up to my secret snooping.

  Alice the camel had two humps.

  ‘Hey, Corina,’ I said. ‘I’m sorry about following you like that. I just wanted to make sure you were all right.’

  Alice the camel had one hump.

  ‘It’s cool,’ she said. ‘I’m glad you’re back. I was starting to get a little, well, worried.’

  ‘Worried? You?’ I teased.

  ‘I know. That’s your department.’

  ‘Well, I think you were right. I should just give the worrying a break, at least for these two weeks.’

  Alice the camel had no humps.

  ‘Cos Alice was a horse!’ Ernesto shouted. I looked at him, filthy face, clapping madly, and decided to let go and have some fun.

  What was the worst that could happen?

  * It’s just an expression. I didn’t actually tap dance. First, I wasn’t wearing the right shoes, and second, the gravel ground would have torn the metal taps to shreds.

  12

  In Which I Am Awoken by a Moose (Story)

  I was settled in for a summer slumber, dreaming of a washing machine big enough to wash all the newly donated clothes I’d found, when I felt a cool breeze blow over me. At first I thought I was in the spin cycle, but it was just my tentmate waking me up.

  ‘Adam, are you awake?’ Nesto said, climbing back into the tent.

  ‘I am now,’ I said. ‘Where were you?’

  ‘It’s a long story,’ Nesto said.

  I closed my eyes again, hoping to will myself back to sleep. I really wanted to fill the tray with gallons of detergent.

  ‘But we’ve got time,’ he added.

  As Nesto crawled back into his sleeping bag, he told me about his night-time adventure.

  ‘I really needed to pee, and I saw that your water bottle was empty. I thought about just bottling it in here and saving myself the trip—’