by Jeff Norton
Hundreds of vampires, wearing name tags, filed into the building. They buzzed and gossiped excitedly. Some of them were leading blindfolded and muzzled humans on leashes, and Corina followed this crowd towards the back of the Hall.
A pale lady wearing a headset and clutching a clipboard was checking-in the vamps and taking down details of the victims in tow. Just ahead of us, she checked in a ‘dentist’ going by the name of Doctor Barry Kolchak who presented his human for inspection.
‘And how has this human affronted you or our kind?’
‘He had seventeen items,’ explained Dr Kolchak, ‘in the “Ten Items Or Less” line at the supermarket checkout.’
‘Fewer,’ I said, correcting his grammar. Corina gave me a kick.
‘Barbaric,’ cussed the clipboard lady to Dr Kolchak. ‘These humans are so … inhuman. You may proceed and happy sacrifice. Next!’
Corina yanked us forward.
‘Where’s your convention badge?’ asked the lady.
‘It doesn’t go with my outfit,’ Corina said.
‘Then how do I know you’re part of our esteemed dentist community?’
Corina let go of our chains and rose up into the air about three feet.
‘That’ll do,’ the lady said. ‘Full name?’
‘Corina Adina Parker.’
‘Your middle name rhymes?’ I gasped.
The lady looked sternly at Corina. ‘Your offering may not speak.’
‘Sorry about that. Hear that offering … you may not speak.’
The clipboard lady examined Nesto and me. ‘And aside from this one being weird-looking and the small one having an abundance of dirt under his fingernails … behind his ears … and, oh my Count, in his hair, why are these humans worthy of sacrifice?’
‘This one stole my make-up and the little one doesn’t wash his hands after relieving himself.’
‘Despicable, both of them. In you go. Happy sacrifice!’
‘You too,’ said Corina with a smile, pulling us through the door into a corridor where the other humans were being caged like animals. Two hulking vampires grabbed me and tossed me into a large dog cage. I saw Nesto similarly manhandled, but instead of falling in with a thud, he pounced into what actually looked like a snug little room for him.
‘Corina, what’s going on?’ I asked.
‘They won’t touch you until I call you onto the stage, I think,’ she explained. I just hoped her memory of gruesome bedtime stories was accurate.
‘So I’m at the mercy of their rule-following until then?’
‘’Fraid so,’ she said. ‘But my uncle’s kind of a big deal around here, so I’ll find him and get up there, first. Until then, just make yourself comfortable.’
‘I kinda am,’ said Nesto, curled up like a sleeping dog.
One of the guards banged on the cage. ‘The offering may not speak.’
‘Fine with me,’ said Nesto. ‘I’m going to take a nap.’
‘How can you sleep at a time like this?’ I snapped. But he was already snoring.
I looked up as Corina disappeared through the crowd. My cage was lifted onto a dolly – not a cuddly doll, but, like, a large skateboard – and I was whisked away, behind the slumbering chupacabra, into a dark room, caged like a beast ready for human sacrifice.
I kind of wish we’d stayed at camp.
27
In Which I Make My Vampire Debut
I couldn’t see anything, but I could hear it all. Alone in the dark, in what I guessed was the on-deck circle* of death and dismemberment, I listened as a vampire roused the crowd with his speech.
‘Friends, vampires! We have travelled from all over the world to be together, to come out of the shadows and celebrate.
‘We assemble like this through the centuries, through good times and bad, but the restoration of kinship of our kind gives us the strength to live among the humans in the knowledge that we are not alone. We are part of something bigger, something greater.
‘And hasn’t it been great so far? This year’s skull-tossing contest has been the best yet, and from the craftsmanship of the coffin building, I know that tradition isn’t going to fade away in this century! I’m still licking my lips from the blood smoothies we enjoyed yesterday. It’s been good times.
‘And tonight, we continue our celebrations with the glorious tradition of sacrifice!’
The hall erupted in cheers and it felt like the bricks were rumbling. The vampire spoke with such conviction about something so terrible. At first, I couldn’t understand how anyone would listen to him, let alone cheer for him, but as he spoke I realised he possessed such confidence that weaker minds would flock to his strength.
‘We reassert our superiority through sacrifice. And I’m delighted to see the youth of our kind are so energetic about such old traditions. So this evening, we’ll begin with one of our youngest, a local vamp from right here in Croxton, Ohio. Corina Parker.’
I didn’t know what Corina planned to say to counter such a rally, or even if she could, but I knew I had to help her somehow.
Suddenly, amid the dying applause, a light brightened the holding cell. I was wheeled out onto a shiny black stage. I looked up, but I was briefly blinded by the spotlights.
‘Who’s making all that noise?’
I looked to my right, and Nesto was waking grumpily in his cage.
‘Hi guys,’ said Corina. She stood centre stage as Nesto and I were wheeled in on either side of her. ‘I’m Corina … as you already know.’ She seemed nervous, a bit unsure of herself. ‘And I’m really hungry.’
The crowd clapped, clearly agreeing with her.
‘But I’m a vegan,’ she shared. The crowd immediately turned on her, booing her meat-free diet. ‘Or at least, I used to be. A few weeks ago I had my first taste of human blood in a very long time.’
The vampires exploded into applause, but then seemed confused …
‘And I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it since. So I know how you feel. And I just got back from a place where I was cooped up with a bunch of humans. We were literally trapped, but they were trapped with me. And part of me wanted to taste every last one of them. And the only thing that stopped me was my friends. And I brought them to meet you today …’
There was a nervous laugh from the room as Corina opened my cage.
I heard a few in the crowd chant, ‘Sacrifice’ and ‘Offering’.
Together we opened Nesto’s cage and he pounced out. She held our hands and walked back to the front of the stage. With us at her sides, I noticed she stood a little taller.
‘These aren’t ordinary humans,’ she said above the chanting. ‘My friends are different, just like we are different.’
She looked at Nesto, and then at me. ‘Show them.’
Nesto threw forth his arms and jumped onto all fours.
‘Ernesto looks human, right?’ asked Corina. ‘Look again.’
As Nesto’s hands hit the ground, they turned into claws. His tale sprung out of his shorts and his skin shimmered in a cascade of scales. He opened his jaw, displaying his fangs, and let out a roar that deafened the protesting chants.
‘And this is Adam. Underneath his caked-on make-up, is grey, brittle flesh that’s unnaturally resilient to death.’
I grabbed an antibac wipe from my pocket and removed the make-up from my face. Before thousands of bloodthirsty vampires, I outed myself as a zombie.
The hall went silent.
The gawking vampires looked stunned and a bit confused.
‘Everyone has a secret that makes them special. For some, like my friends, it’s that they’re unhuman, like us. For others, it’s smaller things that make their life worth living. And as much as I want to rip their throats out and drink their blood, and man, I cannot tell you how much I want to do that, like all the time, I think of those secrets and keep my fangs tucked up in my gums. Everyone deserves their secrets – deserves to live.’
I squeezed Corina’s hand and whispered,
‘Can I say something?’
She nodded.
‘Um, hi. Most people don’t know you guys exist. I didn’t until I got my zombie on and I met Corina. And she’s amazing. She’s like the coolest person … well, vampire … ever, and you’re lucky to have her in your group, or tribe, or whatever you call your constitutionally protected right to assemble yourselves – although I somehow don’t think the Founding Fathers would’ve sanctioned …’
I’d started to distract myself and needed to get back on track. ‘Anyway, I know you guys think you’re better than everyone else, and you know what? You are.
‘Seriously, you live forever, you’re super strong and you can fly. In my world, that pretty much makes you superheroes. And yet you’re actually about to sacrifice, kill, a bunch of innocent people just to remind yourself how great you are?
‘You might disagree about how innocent a telemarketer is, or someone who cuts you off in traffic, but that’s not the point. The point is you are better than them. So, act better. Be better. You don’t like they way do things, then stop hiding in your coffins and show them a better way. Teach them to be better, like you. Corina revealed herself to me, and I to her and now you, and I’m better for knowing her. Maybe what this country needs isn’t fewer humans, but more vampires. Out in the open, being better than everyone else, and showing them how to be better.’
There was a murmur in the crowd.
Someone heckled, ‘But we need to feed.’
‘—so hungry—’ muttered another.
I’d tried to appeal to their higher sense of self, but wondered if appealing to a lower need, their growling hunger, might enrol them in our face-off against camp evil. It was worth a try.
‘Hey, Nesto,’ I said. ‘Why don’t you tell them about Camp Nowannakidda.’
Nesto rose on his hind claws and shook the chupa off, returning to slimy boy form.
‘I know what it’s like to be hungry,’ he said. ‘I don’t do human blood, but chicken heads, cows, squirrels – oh yeah, mmm-mmm, I love a good squirrel. But if you guys want to feed, why not eat people who eat people? And up in Canada, that country just north of us where all the bad weather comes from, there’s this camp that captures kids to turn them into doughnuts.’
‘So maybe instead of a sacrifice in Croxton,’ I suggested, ‘some of you might like to feast on the camp counsellors who held us captive?’
A sceptical murmur shot through the crowd. Some of the vampires licked their lips at the thought of eating the cannibals. Others shook their heads and tutted, clearly not believing Nesto’s outlandish story.
‘It’s crazy but true,’ said Corina. ‘The camp is run by a flavour of evil that I’m sure you’ll find delicious.’
I could see their pale eyes light up. The vampires were hungry, and we had a way to stop (or at the very least, relocate) tonight’s sacrifice.
‘I think we can help each other tonight,’ I said.
‘Yeah, come on!’ said Corina. ‘Who wants to raid Camp Cannibal?’
But the vamps weren’t buying it. I half expected the crowd to explode into cheers and whoops. But they just stared at us.
‘Should we try to make a getaway?’ I asked.
‘That won’t be necessary,’ replied a child’s voice.
One tiny vampire, a little boy who looked no older than six, rose from the crowd into the air. The pint-sized vampire landed to share the stage with us. Corina lowered her head.
‘What’s wrong?’ I said, thinking she was suddenly sad and maybe having second thoughts about killing off the cannibals.
‘That’s old man Konrad,’ she said.
‘Old man?’ I scoffed. ‘He’s just a—’
‘One of the elders,’ said Corina.
‘Old enough to have sailed over on the Mayflower,’ the boy spoke. His voice was high-pitched, young, but everyone in the hall hung on his words. ‘And I would have died from dysentery on that voyage had a vampire not turned me, saving me from a watery grave. I’ve aged hundreds of years while watching this country, through a child’s eyes, evolve from a colonial outpost to a superpower. Young Adam is right – as the superior species, we must lead by example, show these mere humans our true nobility.’
He took Corina’s hand. ‘Sister Corina has braved the stage, and risked her friends’ lives to show us a way to save tonight’s offerings from our hunger. Sister Corina, zombie Adam, and werecreature Nesto—’
‘Chupacabra.’
‘Count bless you,’ Konrad said. ‘Will the three of you lead us north?’
Corina nodded, and I said, ‘We will.’
‘Chu-pa-ca-bra,’ said Ernesto. ‘It’s big in Latin America. Why has nobody heard of it?’
But to Nesto’s frustration, nobody was listening.
‘Mr Elder,’ I said, tentatively.
‘Yes?’
‘Our friends and neighbours are trapped in the camp. So before you guys feast on the cannibal camp counsellors, would you help us free them?’
‘It’s the least we could do,’ he said. ‘They will not be harmed.’
Konrad turned to his flock of vampires and pressed his palms together. ‘Go with Count’s blessing.’
‘Count’s blessing go with thee,’ they replied in unison.
* I guess some of that baseball game stuck with me. The on-deck circle is the area where the next batter up to the plate warms up by swinging the bat. In my case, I think I was next up to be presented for ‘sacrifice’. It made me think much more fondly about baseball.
28
In Which We Fly North
The hungry vamps assembled in the quad outside Convocation Hall and prepared for take-off.
‘Corina,’ I said, interrupting her as she received a constant stream of well-wishers. ‘What about Nesto and me?’
‘It’s always about you, isn’t it?’ she said. I think the fame was going to her head. Either that or she was just being Corina.
She looked around the quad at the hundreds of vampires hovering just a foot or so off the ground and spotted a park bench. ‘Hop on, boys,’ she said.
I noticed a splat of bird poo on one side and decided that Nesto wouldn’t mind too much. ‘After you,’ I said politely, gesturing to the poopy side of the bench.
He climbed on, perched up on his feet and I sat beside him, carefully avoiding any bird droppings.
‘Hang on,’ she said, ‘be right back.’
I sat there with Nesto, watching the vampires milling around, just off the ground, chatting excitedly to each other in all sorts of languages I didn’t understand.
When Corina returned, she wasn’t alone. I nearly bounced off the bench.
‘Hey, Adam,’ said Crash, the guy I’d accidentally crushed to death a few weeks ago.
Awkward.
Crash looked much better than the last time I’d seen him, when Corina had saved him from human death (and thus saved me from being a murderer) and turned him into a vampire. He was paler now, with darker eyes. And he stood up straight, taller.
‘Corina tells me I’m your ride,’ he said.
‘What do ya think?’ Corina asked. ‘Vampirism looks good on him, doesn’t it?’
It really did.
Instead of his torn jeans and leather jacket, he wore a grey suit over a crisp white shirt. He looked more European cologne model than backstreet drug dealer. Though I wondered, As a bloodsucker, is white really the best choice? I was worried about his stain-removal strategy but decided to keep my laundry anxiety to myself. I simply said, ‘Looking good, Crash.’
He grabbed the arm of the bench closer to me and Corina took the one near Nesto (and the bird poo) and they effortlessly lifted the bench into the air. At first my legs swung just a few feet off the ground, but then, as Konrad rose higher, the vampires followed him into the sky and we soared high above the university.
I sat back on the bench and gripped the wooden slats.
‘Nervous flyer?’ asked Crash.
‘More like a nervous faller
,’ I said, since Park Bench Airways did not have any seatbelts.
‘This is so chupamazing!’ shouted Nesto. ‘I can see my house from up here.’
He leaned over the back and hocked a big loogie* right onto his roof.
‘Really?’ I said.
‘Yeah, c’mon, do your house, Adam, we’re right above it.’
I looked down and spotted my house. I was still mad at Mom and Dad for renting out our rooms and sending us away to camp, but I did miss them. They were on their way home, their second honeymoon cut short, and I wondered if they missed us. They said they were going to have some ‘adult time’, which is usually their term for emptying a bottle of wine once Amanda and I go to bed (I take out the recycling, reducing our household contribution to landfill and giving me an inside scoop on what’s being consumed). I wasn’t going to spit on our house, but I did notice the garden needed a good water.
‘Mom’s going to be sad if her flowers wilt,’ I said. ‘The vampires don’t exactly have green thumbs.’
Nesto stood up on the bench and unzipped his shorts. He smirked at me with a devilish grin. ‘If they need a watering, I could—’
‘Do you want me to let go?’ asked Corina.
Nesto sat back down.
‘Good chupa,’ she said.
Corina and Crash flew us higher, into the clouds. I felt the fine mist of the clouds whip against my decomposing skin.
Once we were above the clouds the vampire swarm picked up speed. I held on tight but Corina and Crash kept us steady. Not bound by roads, we flew north over the bright lights of Columbus and then over the eastern edge of Lake Erie.
‘Hey look, guys,’ I said, spotting below a massive plume of lit-up mist rise into the night sky. ‘There’s the Falls!’
The horseshoe-shaped waterfall was pink, and then green. As we soared high above one of the wonders of the world, the water was illuminated with every colour of the rainbow. It was mesmerising, and for a brief moment I forgot all about vampires and cannibals and doughnuts, and watched as the colourful water rushed over a hidden cliff, as it had probably done since the days of the dinosaurs.