“We’re so lucky to be alive . . . so lucky to be in my shell and not glassed . . .”
Drunk, horny, tired, I wasn’t sure what to call Annie B’s state. Worn the fuck out, that’s for sure. I took most of her weight on my shoulder. She’s not taller than me, even in her heels, but that shell of hers has some serious muscles hiding under her soft skin. Not just normal muscle, but vamp-crafted muscle with tendons as strong as some composite metals. “Can you walk on your own?”
“I can barely stand . . . I’m so hungry . . . so . . . I think I’m drunk . . . how am I drunk? I never get drunk . . . but it was so hot . . . and now it’s so cold . . .”
“I have to reiterate: you’re doing a really crappy job playing the hateful ex-girlfriend, making me take care of you like this,” I told her as we struggled forward.
Five steps later, I had enough of the halfway nature of our stumbling. I repositioned her so her arm was over my shoulder and my arm wrapped around her waist. It steadied her some and our lurching pace became smoother.
If I don’t get some blood into her and get her away from these damned temperature fluctuations, I’ll be carrying her like a child to bed. Or a bride across the threshold . . . a really fucked up, drunk, vamp bride. Not even sure if Val could trust me if someone took a snapshot of that one.
The same secretary waited for us in her raised seat overlooking the hallway. She motioned for me to approach, even as the huge triangular doors closed behind us. Goodbye and good riddance Temple of Doom, this monkey didn’t eat no date or get his heart ripped out. I’d put both of those in the winning column.
“She needs to feed,” I told the secretary. “And I ain’t doing it myself.”
She only nodded, no emotion, the perfect functionary. “The Divine Nii-Vah has ordered one of her own stock to be made available to Baroness Boleyn on the Second Floor.”
Stock.
Did not like that word used in respect to the situation.
It implied some really horrible shit.
Shit as bad as Divine Super Crazy Eresha’s talk about honoring humans by wearing our corpses.
I just nodded though. Second Floor. The vamp part of the club. Alright . . . elevator, get Annie B fed, make sure she don’t eat on anyone too much, then find out about the theft at the Great Bank, solve it, get my million dollars.
This shit ain’t worth a million dollars. I low-balled myself so fucking hard. This is the last time I ever deal with these bloodsucking bitches.
The secretary stopped me with a hand on my non-Annie B-sprawled-across-it shoulder. Them are some long ass arms. “Artificer Price,” she pointed at a metal box sized about two feet cubed that sat on her desk, “these items were to be returned to you.”
My artifacts.
I glanced at Annie B. “Why’s the world spinning?” she muttered. “I haven’t been drunk in a hundred years . . . not since Prohibition . . . I miss the 20s . . . the 20s were good for me . . .”
I glanced at the secretary for help.
She shook her head with a face that said ‘fuck no.’
My artifacts.
Annie B.
My artifacts.
Annie B.
I’m not proud of it, okay?
But I still shrugged her ass off me.
“Ow,” she murmured from the floor, “my butt . . .”
She started rubbing the injured area.
She’d be fine.
I popped the box open and breathed a sigh of relief when I found my artifacts sitting nice and neat on fold-out trays, cushioned with silk cloth. Like a tackle box of kick ass.
SDR on my finger. SEM-DEW and the rest of my Little Magical Balls. Cold Cuffs and AVHCs. My tracking rod and the accompanying silk pouch holding anima-tracking discs—it worked exactly like the ones the Asylum put in their students’ pant legs. My monocle, which I looked through to see if it was working. A glance at my hand showed brown geo-anima building as I started to pool up, the light blue cyan of electro-anima in my SDR wrapped around my finger.
Yeah, it wasn’t exactly Paine’s glasses and it was thick as hell, but I could really see anima traces now—and not just geo-anima. Thanks for the ideas, Paine. I’ll catch up to you one day, you evil fucktard.
I put the monocle away, picking up my other new favorite in the shape of a brass knuckle with a thin plate of steel pressed against it. If I was still looking through my monocle it would have given off the deep blue of hydro-anima.
I peered down at Annie B, sprawled on the floor like she was, with one hand on her butt and the other hand under her head as a pillow. “Hurry up and get me food,” she whined like a sick ten-year-old. “Or at least get me out of this cold.”
I slid the knuckle up my right sleeve into a loop of leather that I snapped shut. It would pull away if I tugged on the artifact hard enough. “You know, I was thinking about cutting your head off with this when I got it back? But you’re just too damn pathetic at the moment.”
“I’ll show you who’s pathetic when I’m not in a starving delirium,” she growled into the floor. “He ogled Inanina’s breasts the whole time and I’m not in glass . . . it’s a miracle . . .”
“If you make something that nice, I’m gonna ogle and you don’t get to complain,” I muttered as I found my cell-phone, my wallet, and my bike keys. One day, motorcycle, one day! Uzis! USA bikini!
The last thing left was Poug’s metal-glass knife. I brought it out of the box and pulled it from its sheath to check on it, not sure why I worried since it was indestructible from what I could tell, but I considered it my second most valuable artifact after the Shaky Stick.
Jinshen Ken. Earthquake Sword. World-Breaker, I thought. Earthquake Sword . . .
It was safe at home in my shop, well hidden. At least I know what it does, I don’t have a clue about you, do I freaky knife?
A whimper drew my eyes off it. The secretary shook so hard she practically vibrated out of her seat.
“You okay?” I asked her. “I can only handle one crazy vamp at a time, lady, so you need to be okay.”
Her eyes never left Poug’s knife. “Where did you get that?”
I flipped it around so she could see it straight-on instead of at the side. I didn’t expect the reaction I got to the small movement, which was her throwing herself out of her seat and backing up all the way to a wall. “Put it away!” she screamed at me.
Okay.
I think we call that a clue.
“Why?” I asked, playing dumb.
“Where did you get it?” Her face was one of pure horror.
“From my experience with the Curator.”
“Put it away,” she pleaded.
“It’s just a knife,” I said, but I did put it away.
She calmed a little. “Do the Divines . . . do they know you have it?”
“Maybe, I’m a geomancer, not a mentimancer.” I stuck the knife in my last jacket pocket. “You ain’t gonna explain a thing, are you?”
The secretary gained more composure when she realized how much she’d overreacted. “No. Just . . . never bring that here again.”
“I didn’t, you did,” I pointed out. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to drag my kidnapper to her snack.”
Annie was snoring, so I just said ‘fuck it’ and picked her up. Her head swayed up and down as I moved through the hallway. “I’m so wasted,” she slurred to no one.
[CLICK]
I dropped Annie B into a chair, collapsing the rest of the way into our room and falling on a bench that jutted directly from the wall.
The return from liquid nitrogen cold to just freeze-your-balls-off cold had brought some life back to her and her vamp metabolism was quickly working its way through the alcohol, but she still couldn’t walk without my help, as hungry as she was after the heat of the Divine Chamber.
“You need to go on a diet, make your shell lighter, or something. I’m not carrying you again.”
“Quit your whining,” she mocked, her usual superior self
if not clearheaded. “Don’t think I didn’t notice you grabbing my ass the entire time.”
“Only because I needed the leverage!”
The Second Floor was even more crowded this time around. I won’t describe a bunch of the shit I saw . . . cuz . . . I mean, I’m all for going naked, okay? I’m all for some public grunting and humping if you can do it on the down low and get away with it without a public indecency charge. But whole roomfuls of people grunting and humping and poking holes into each other with silver knives that have little blood tendrils leaking out of them is way past my limits on what’s an acceptable level of hedonism!
The private room just for me and Annie B was a relief. Even if it meant I’d have to watch her . . . do her thing.
It was better than being outside . . . where fuck-tons of people were doing their things
And doing things to other people’s things.
With knives.
You got a pool and you got your artifacts back, stop being such a pussy.
Knives! Things!
Stop being such a pussy!
I let a deep breath escape, calming down from the past couple hours. I was in the shit now. First bottle was empty and looking at Crazy Bottle Number Two. Working for the Divines to find out who would dare steal from the Great Bank. I’d only just learned those terms, but they carried a weight to them. I’m irreverent about everything I do. Yeah, I called ‘em bottom bitches and yeah, I gave those wonderful knockers of Inanina’s my expert attention, but that don’t mean I leaked comprehension about how far up shit creek I’d just traveled.
And the only one in the canoe with me was Annie B.
With Meteyos, I had someone I trusted with me. Here: nothing. Worse than being alone even. Had me a partner that might turn on me at any moment.
Annie B leaned back in her chair, lounging like some princess. Guess she was one once upon a time. Or a queen at least.
The room had two chairs, both of them dark and plush, both of them angled backward with a step for your feet. More recliners than chairs really, only no moving bits. They were a few feet away from each other, side-by-side. Between them was this slender bit of black metal, ending in a bowl directly in the center of the seats.
There was the bench I was on and a table between me and the two seats. There were table placements sitting out, since human guests need to eat too. Especially after all the knives doing their thing to your things . . .
Pussy!
Some waitress chick in a red dress came out to tell Annie B her order was being brought up. Annie B nodded, eyes closed, seemingly relaxed. “Be a good dear and get my friend some food as well, something suitable for a geomancer.”
“Of course, Baroness.”
“Not really hungry after what I just saw—” I tried to say, but the waitress left without considering my opinion. If anything, she seemed insulted by my presence. “There something I should know about Vamps and anima-infused humans?”
Annie B smiled but didn’t open her eyes. “We consider you pests and annoyances. Nature’s grand mistake.”
“Oh.”
“You’re not repulsive to us like Were blood, but it’s an acquired taste.”
I couldn’t help myself. “And what do I taste like?”
Her lips curved even more. “Like a bar of chocolate dropped in the dirt.”
Guess I’d be insulted if I wasn’t happy about it meaning I’m less likely to get ate on in the next half hour.
The waitress returned with a glass of beer and a plate of gourmet fries covered in pepper, salt, and vinegar. What’s the difference between normal fries and gourmet fries? About a hundred dollars from what I could tell from tasting them. Beer was good, thick and foamy. I shrugged at the plate and dug in.
Okay, so my stomach’s desire to be happy beats out my repulsion factor.
Good to know.
“Inanina’s your mommy, huh?”
Eyes still closed, Annie B scowled but said nothing in response.
“Too bad you were an adult at the time and missed out on breast feeding.”
“You think she never forced me to her bed in five hundred years?” Annie asked, still scowling.
“Suppose she’s the type.” I took a swig of beer. Fries needed more pepper but they were damn good. “Wants to be in charge, prickly if you push into her space, ready to smash face of anyone who gets in her way . . .”
“Are you describing Inanina or yourself?” Annie mocked me.
“Fine line between being a bully and being a bully beater,” I admitted, knowing I came close to stepping over said line a few times in my life. “Comes down to if you force people to act the way you want them to, I’d say. Me . . . I’m fine being my own boss and no one else’s. But your Inanina . . . she wants to run the fucking show.”
“An accurate assessment,” Annie whispered but added nothing more.
I swigged some more beer, ate me some more fries.
“If the head of the counts is your mommy, then why—”
“I disappointed her, weren’t you listening?” Annie interrupted. “I always disappoint her. We all do. Every single one of us that she’s made. Some vampires want the perfect split—another self—they abhor the need of human bodies and that human memories are required in the process. I never had a chance with Inanina . . .”
“I’d say you did a good job,” I tried to lighten the mood. “Sowed plenty of chaos. You told me once that was the point of your birth.”
“Not enough for her.”
“Getting your head chopped off wasn’t even enough?”
Annie B’s hand came up to feel her choker, a choker hiding a very clean scar around the entirety of her neck. “Were you really going to cut my head off?”
“Wouldn’t have killed you . . . and you did kidnap me. So I thought about it, mostly on the plane ride.”
“Please don’t. I wasn’t fond of the experience the first time around and I rather think the second wouldn’t offer any improvement.”
Wouldn’t have killed her. Wouldn’t have even hurt her really. Long as I didn’t stake her heart and burn her shell to ashes, then Annie B was largely invincible . . . at least physically. Emotionally, she was about as stable as a drunken midget. But the fact that I knew I could throw some punches or some geo-anima at her without really hurting her—that at points I had to do so to remind her about boundaries—it made for the oddest relationship of my life. It made my always pugnacious personality go places it wouldn’t go with another human . . . especially with a woman.
I punched her, I dropped a car on her, I electrocuted her, I saw her arm chopped off. Nothing. No effect. But some liquor, some heat, and kneeling before her mommy and there she was: vulnerable.
Almost human.
“Nii-Vah good to you?”
“Aww, how adorable,” she teased me, finally opening her velvet eyes so they could laugh at me, “he cares about my feelings.”
I snorted, shrugged it off with more beer.
“Yes,” Annie whispered, “Nii-Vah is good to me. She’ll still kill you if you keep playing with fairies.”
“I figured.”
“Did you really destroy it, King Henry?”
“You were there.”
“I was . . . but I wonder. I wonder about all the time you spent getting ready that night. I wonder about there being an earthquake on the night you battled with the Curator. I wonder . . . yet, I can’t think of a way you could have pulled it off.”
“Plus you strip-searched me when I was knocked out.”
“Plus that. Well, not strip-searched. There was no room in the car and seeing you naked once was enough,” she teased some more.
I sat down an empty glass on an empty plate. “Any reason your meal is taking so long?”
“Nii-Vah’s spoiling me with the finest quality, I imagine. Only the best for her favorite baroness.”
“Only the best and her favorite when the Divine Inanina will hear about it?” I guessed.
She only
laughed, but it was enough of an answer.
“You mind if I call some people or will you get pissy?”
“Your little blond princess?”
“Among others. Unless you want to have a fireball shoved up your ass out of the middle of nowhere. I know you’re kinky, but you’re not that kinky.”
“Go ahead. Tell her I send hugs and kisses and can’t wait for another chat between us two girls.” The sarcasm overfloweth.
I clicked on my phone and went through all the messages left during my incarceration. Most were texts. One was a voice mail from Ceinwyn. I tackled it first.
“I know you’re mad.”
No shit.
“She just called me the moment before she stepped into the restaurant. I imagine she’s punching you right about now.”
If only she had.
“You won’t receive this message until after you’ve talked with the Divines. You could never receive it, I suppose . . . all our work destroyed at their whim. But there’s nothing to do about it.”
Ceinwyn was worried about me, how sweet.
“If you haven’t made a deal with Anne yet, then leave immediately.”
Too late on that front.
“If you have made a deal . . . call me, talk to me about it. Don’t be too prideful, King Henry. You’re learning about the world very quickly, but there’s still more to it than you expect. I wish I could teach you myself, that I could prepare you, but . . . these laws are too set in stone for even me to massage.”
Ceinwyn was really worried about me, how scary.
“I’ve called Valentine and recalled her to the Asylum for now. There’s a meeting coming in London that I dare not miss and I’ll need my best Recruiter with me for the trip. I’m sorry, King Henry, but Anne planned this just at a time when she knew you’d be alone and vulnerable. She might have been my favorite babysitter, but she’s still a vampire; neither you nor I should forget that.
“She has a game and she’s playing to win. I don’t know what you’re being dragged into, but finish your part and get out. God, I hope you’re still alive . . . please, call me.”
Okay.
Ceinwyn was terrified for me, how . . . I don’t have words for that one.
The Foul Mouth and the Headless Hunny (The King Henry Tapes) Page 14