by Gini Koch
“Hopefully not.”
He hit the intercom button. “Hi, there. Who the hell are you and why are you here? And how soon are you leaving?”
The guy I recognized as having been in our room stepped forward. He was nursing a lovely black eye. “Your Majesty, we are here to begin the rites of passage for your intended.”
“Nice. I don’t plan to have her do them. Don’t plan on any of you sticking around. Don’t plan on going back to the world that exiled us. Rot in hell. Have a nice day.”
“Harlie has accepted you.”
“Harlie?”
I looked up at Martini’s shoulder. “Here, Harlie.” I put my hand up, the Poof purred and jumped into my palm. “Good little Poofy thing. Meet your new pet, Jeff.”
“You will refer to His Majesty as My Royal Lord at all times!” A woman’s voice rang out from the back of the holding cell. She stalked up to the window, and it didn’t take an empath to tell she was furious. “How dare you speak to him casually?”
“Oh, you have got to be kidding me!” I was ready to lunge through the window. Test one—failed. Test one—pissing me off. Could not wait for test two.
White stepped up to the intercom. “Excuse me. Who are you, and why do you believe you have the right to give anyone on Earth orders?”
“We are the emissaries from the royal court. You, as an exile, have no right to speak to us.” She actually turned her back on White and walked to another part of the window.
“Five minutes, that’s all I ask. Me and my Glock. Trust me, Mom’s been teaching me how to shoot really, really fast.”
“Tempting as that is,” Martini said through clenched teeth, “I’ll be the one kicking their asses.”
“You’re the king, My Royal Lord.”
“Do not start.” He let go of me and went closer to the intercom. “You, come back here.”
She turned around and stalked over. “Yes, Your Majesty?”
“First off, I’m fascinated that you exiled my entire race here, you’re insulting my religious leader who also happens to be my uncle, and yet you’re somehow thinking I’m your king. Secondly, if you ever speak to anyone on Earth, particularly the Sovereign Pontifex, that way again, I’ll kill you with my bare hands. Oh, and I know how, believe me. Finally, I don’t know who you people think you are, but unless you start giving us some explanations, and quickly, I’m going to order you all put to death. Got it?”
She gave him a small, very self-satisfied smile. “You are so like your grandfather, Your Majesty.”
Martini lunged at the window. I thought he was going to break through. Christopher and I both grabbed him. “Jeff! Jeff! She means the other one! Not ours. Well, ours, but the other ours! The one who stayed on the home world!” Christopher was shouting, which he had to, because Martini’s growl was already at “enraged bear” and about to go to “lion takes over the veldt.”
“She means your father’s father, Jeff!” I was shouting too. We weren’t calming him. At all. Of course, in his mind, Bitch Leader had just compared Martini to Ronald Yates, aka Mephistopheles, aka the Supreme Fugly. The rage was understandable.
“Jeffrey, let it go.” White spoke softly.
Martini stopped, took a deep breath, and let me and Christopher pull him back. “Sorry.” He was shaking.
The emissaries looked shocked, other than the one I was calling Bitch Leader. She looked amused. “Your Majesty has a temper, I see.”
“Really. I mean it, Jeff. Let me in there. I’ll do Crane Opens a Can of Whupass, they’ll never know what hit them.”
“They can kill you.” Martini’s voice was low. He was staring at the emissaries, and I’d never seen so much anger in his expression before.
“Maybe. I want in.”
“I don’t want you hurt, so no.”
“Easy way or hard way, Jeff.”
“I don’t want you to shoot them. We don’t know what else they’re bringing.”
“You mean besides stress and high blood pressure problems?”
“Yeah.”
“I won’t shoot them. They won’t kill me. Let me in. Please.”
“Why?”
White nodded to one of the security guys, and the door opened. “Miss Katt.”
I detached from Martini and went in. Harlie went with me. “Dudes, nice to see you.” The door shut behind me. “Now, let’s cut the crap. You have no intention of approving me. I have no intention of passing your tests. So what is it you expect to get out of this whole ridiculous endeavor?”
Bitch Leader came over to me. She was a lot bigger. “You insignificant peasant! How dare you—”
“Blah, blah, blah. Heard it all before. I’m an American, you moron. We wrote the book on insignificant peasants making good. I’m also not an idiot. And I’m also not buying it.”
I walked through them. There were exactly two who fit the mold. The one with the shiner and another guy. I pointed to them. “You two are the only actual A-Cs here. So, what, are the rest of you shapeshifters from Planet of the Really Pissed Off Amazons, also known as The Free, or are you some other delegation combo? ’Cause you’re not all from the same place my aliens call home.”
They all looked at me in shock, Bitch Leader included. She recovered fastest. “How . . . how dare you insinuate—”
“Stow it. I’m a human. Want to know the biggest way our A-Cs differ from humans? They are drop-freaking-dead gorgeous. My little friend over there with the black eye, and this other guy here, they’re pretty hot. The rest of you? Um, well, you’re not barking, but you’re not going to win any prizes against Jeff, Christopher, or the rest of the A-C gang.”
“There is more to our culture than looks,” the guy with the black eye said.
“Oh, right.” I slammed my open palm onto Bitch Leader’s chest. “One heart.” I walked around the room and did the same thing. None of them tried to stop me. “Okay, we have eight with two hearts, two with one, and icky, two with three hearts. I don’t even want to know. However, that means you’re not all from A-C.”
I looked at the two with three hearts. They were both wearing really ugly matching necklaces. I pulled them off their necks and was faced with what looked like giant iguanas. Iguanas wearing stretchy body suits and standing on their hind legs, but still, iguanas. Giant iguanas that looked pissed off in the way only an iguana can.
“Jeff?”
“Yeah, baby.”
“I’m not screaming because they’re sentient. But I’d really love it if you would, you know, set phasers on full or something.”
“We do not kill except in battle,” Iguana Number One said to me.
“Right. Talking is good. Our iguanas don’t talk. As a rule.”
“We are not iguanas,” Iguana Number One said huffily. Iguana Number Two just glared at me.
“Right. Komodo dragons?”
“How dare you—” Bitch Leader was giving it a go again.
“SHUT UP!” I couldn’t do the Martini bellow, but I was pretty good. They all cowered. “Aww, it’s okay, Harlie.” The poor little Poof was cowering, too. “I’m not mad at you. Unless you’re going to turn into something horrible. Then we might have to agree that I cook you.” I patted it gently. Harlie purred and rubbed against my hand.
Bitch Leader lost it and lunged at me. As I jumped out of the way, Harlie leaped off my hand, gave a growl worthy of Martini, and turned into a much, much bigger Poof. A Poof with lots and lots of teeth. It had Bitch Leader in its jaws within moments. Then it turned to me and cocked its head. Its head was about double the size of its body. It looked like a fluffier bigheaded kitten with no ears or tail, only a kitten that could chomp a normal person in two with ease.
“Ummm . . . first off, is Harlie a boy or a girl?”
“They don’t have sex, per se,” the guy with the black eye said. “It’s going to kill her.”
“I know. I wanted to be able to say good boy or girl as soon as Harlie’s done.”
“We don’t want her
dead.”
“I do.” I looked at him. “So, let’s get this clear. You all come clean, right now, or I have Harlie the Attack Poof eat you. I’ll bet Harlie’s hungry, aren’t you, Harlie?” I cooed this last line. The Poof purred at me. It was a really loud purr now that it was Martini-sized.
I felt something nudge my ankle and looked down. Sure enough, there were a few more Poofs down there. “Do they replicate in water or if they eat too much or something?”
“Uh, no,” Black Eye said. “They’re androgynous and can mate with any other Poof. They only mate when a royal marriage is imminent, however.”
“Sort of normal.” For a freak world, but that’s what I was living in, so, normal. I bent down and the other Poofs climbed into my hand and crawled up on my shoulders. “I count six more here. I guess that’s one for Christopher, one for Paul, one for Michael, one each for the Gower girls . . . and that leaves a spare. Who is the spare for?”
No one answered. “Okay, let me ask that another way. Someone tells me who the spare is for or I tell Harlie to enjoy its big, nasty snackage.”
Bitch Leader decided not to play chicken with me. “It’s for you.”
CHAPTER 28
“HMMM . . . INTERESTING. SO, let’s see if I can guess what’s going on, shall we? Oh, but before I do, Christopher, I really need Chuckie. In here, with me.”
“On it.”
“Why?” Martini asked.
“I like the help with the conspiracy theories.”
“And,” Chuckie said, “there are none better than me with that. What, Martini? I was in the back of the room.”
“Oh. Fine.” He didn’t seem all that fine with it. So much for that no more jealousy promise. “Not jealous, just worried,” he snapped.
“Right.” Chuckie came in. “Okay, Kitty, what have we here? I mean, other than giant iguanas?”
“We are not iguanas!”
“I think they’re Komodo dragons.”
“We are neither!”
“They’re giant lizards, Chuckie. We’ll leave it at that.”
The giant lizards both looked really angry. I picked up one of the spare Poofs and looked at the guy with the black eye. “What’s this one’s name?” The giant lizards calmed down instantly.
“So,” Chuckie said. “Back to the theories?”
“Sure. We have a delegation of twelve here. Two are clearly from Jeff’s home world. Two are obviously from the Giant Lizard world. I’m betting the other eight are from other planets in the A-C system.”
Chuckie wandered the group as I had. “Interesting rings,” he said to three of them. “Take them off and give them to me. Or we’ll insist on learning the rest of the Poofs’ names.”
They did, and the moment they were in his hand, they turned into what looked like walking jackals who were really into the Ancient Egyptian look. “Chuckie, meet the emissaries from the Dog Planet.”
One of them bared its teeth at me. One of the Poofs jumped off my shoulder and turned huge. It stayed in front of me, but the point was clear. The jackal stopped its growling.
“Jeff, I love these Poofs. They are like the greatest things ever!” All the Poofs started to purr, including the big ones.
“They seem to love you, too, baby. Hope that lasts.”
Chuckie gave everyone a very evil smile. “Okay, let’s make it easy. The rest of you, take off your image shifters, will you? We don’t have all night.”
No one budged. “Poofikins? Will you help Chuckie for me?” The Poof in front of me trotted next to Chuckie and bared its many teeth at the others in the room. A couple of bracelets came right off, and, voila, the Cat People were represented. They were wearing leather cat suits. I wondered if they were being ironic or really went with this look on a daily basis. “Wow, it’s a regular menagerie in here. Someone get Paul, please. And triple the guard on James.”
“Here, Kitty,” Gower’s voice came from the com. “Jeff already called for me.”
“Good. So, I see four of your planets represented. Who’s missing? Or, rather, who’s from what world? You’re from Alpha Four, right? And Moira and her whacked out girlfriend are from Beta Twelve?”
“Right on both. The Giant Lizards are from Beta Thirteen. We’d call them Reptilians here.”
“Wow, sounds like Giant Lizard to me.”
“Yeah, well, it’s a more polite word. To them.”
“If I decide we like them, I’ll worry about being polite.” The Giant Lizards still looked pissed. One of the other Poofs hopped down, turned big, and sat in front of me. “I love the Poofs. I want that on record. Poofs are the greatest things to hit the solar system. After the A-Cs, I mean.” Poof purring continued unabated. The two nearest my neck rubbed against me. It tickled, thankfully, not in an erotic way.
“Thanks, I’m touched.” Martini sighed. “So, back to why everyone’s here?”
“Not quite. Paul, the jackals from the Dog Planet and the walking felines? They are?”
“From Beta Fourteen and Fifteen, respectively, Canus Majorians and Feliniads.”
“Major Doggies and Cat People. Got it.”
Gower sighed. “The others are, I’d guess, from Alphas Five and Six.”
“Do the Alpha Fives and Sixes have one heart or two?”
“One.”
“Then one of our party of humanoids isn’t being honest. Poofies? I think we have a mean lady I will not like even more than I do not like Bitch Leader in Harlie’s mouth.” All the Poofs jumped down and turned big. “What do my Poofies like to eat best?” I asked Black Eye.
“Um . . . uh . . . meat.” He sounded worried. Good.
“Wow, how convenient!”
Chuckie laughed and patted the Poof near him. It purred at him. “These are great, I have to admit it.”
“Wonderful.” Martini was muttering, but not that quietly.
“Jeff, hush.”
“Fine, fine. They like Reynolds because you like him, right?”
“I hope so. Because I don’t like anyone in this room at the moment, other than Chuckie.” The Poofs, to a fluffy thing, started to growl, very softly. The one by Chuckie moved in front of him. “See? Poofs are wonderful.”
Black Eye swallowed. “Uh, please don’t let them eat us.”
“Give me a reason not to. Start with having the shapeshifting Amazonian bitch unmask.”
Shocked looks all around. Other than from one person, one of the humanoid women. She stood up straight, shimmered, and a taller, older version of Moira was standing there, complete with the spiky blonde hair and the Xena/Wonder Woman body suit and boots look. “I am not your enemy,” she said quietly.
“Right. Chuckie, get behind me. I’m serious, by the way.”
He did as requested. “This is an emasculating feeling.”
“She’ll emasculate you more than I ever would.”
“No,” the shapeshifter said, “I will not.”
“Met your sister, or mate, or whatever she is. Don’t believe you.”
She shook her head. “They are not here on my order.”
My order. “What’s your name?”
“It cannot be pronounced—”
“Oh, give it a rest! We know! We know! We’ve had A-Cs on Earth for decades. All humans working with them are really clear that we are just too damned slow to catch your fabulous languages. Let me mention that what humans are really good at is turning inferiority complexes into mass crusades of destruction. Now, before I tell my adorable Poofies to have a delish breakfast, stop, all of you, with the ‘we talk too fast for your pitiful ears’ crap and give me names that I can understand that you will also actually answer to. Or die. And I mean that literally.”
Poof growling went up a notch or two. I wondered if they required grooming or had nonmatting fur, and if they would be happy sleeping on their own pillows or in a nice big pet bed together.
“Baby? I don’t want them in our room, okay?”
“I do.”
“Think about it, fo
r a minute, while the prisoners stop wetting themselves.”
I did. “Okay, when we’re sleeping, how about that?”
“Maybe. Folks, she’s not joking. She’s protective, tired, and upset. One of her best friends almost died today because of a shapeshifting lunatic, and I’m not in there to restrain her. She doesn’t follow orders. So do what she says. ’Cause I don’t care what happens to any of you.”
The shapeshifter nodded. “I apologize for my subject’s actions. I am Queen Renata of the Free Women. And we are here as emissaries for the Planetary Council, not as emissaries of Alpha Four.”
CHAPTER 29
CHUCKIE LEANED DOWN AND WHISPERED in my ear. “We have an elaborate ruse. But you knew that. Find out who has the most to gain.”
“Interesting. Paul?”
“Yes, Kitty.”
“I’d love to chat with ACE, please.”
Gower sighed. “Fine.” There was a pause. “Yes, Kitty, ACE is here.”
“ACE, are these the evil beings you said were heading for us?”
“No, Kitty.”
“Are they evil? As in, get them off our planet before they try to kill us all evil?”
“No, Kitty. They are very afraid.”
“Would they stop being afraid if Chuckie, the Poofies, and I left the room?”
“No, Kitty. They are afraid of what has happened and what might happen.”
I thought about it. “ACE, this is one of those you want to tell me but can’t times, isn’t it?”
“Yes. Kitty will figure it out without ACE’s help.” ACE sounded really confident.
“Um, okay, great. As always, thanks very much, you’re the best, no more questions and so forth.”
“Moira is waking up. Please have someone make Moira sleep again.” ACE sounded freaked out.
I heard Martini bark some orders. “ACE . . . where is Moira’s mate?”
“ACE is not sure, Kitty.”
“Is she in any of our strongholds or around our people in Sin City?”
“No. ACE is not sure where Moira’s mate is.” ACE still sounded frightened.