He took her hand, Kate’s expression puzzled, but she went with him.
Standing by the chlorinated, green water, Samuel knelt on one knee and held out the lion ring he had bought in Key West.
“Kate,” he began solemnly, “I love you. Will you marry me?” He glanced up smiling.
She stepped back.
“Never kneel to anyone,” her intonation low, precise, her gaze, always direct, now even more penetrating.
“I—I’m sorry,” Samuel quickly stood. Kate kept looking at him. “Is something else wrong? Of course! How stupid of me! I should have bought a diamond! I’ll get one. So, will you?”
Her continued silence added to the weight of her eyes.
Please make her say yes he prayed to the god of mercy and values.
“I’m very disappointed in you.” The words and the flatness in Kate’s voice caused Samuel to regret losing what had existed just a few heartbeats before, the sheltering ambiguity of waiting for an answer. “I told you what’s important to me and you forgot. Stop. Don’t interrupt. Just listen. I’m going to medical school. I don’t intend to be anyone’s little wife. Maybe I should be flattered you asked me, but I’m not. It’s actually an insult. You completely ignored my feelings and thought only about yourself. Friends don’t act that way toward each other.”
“Is that all we are? Friends?”
“I’d hoped so. Now I’m not sure.”
“But Fred’s a great a guy, isn’t he? You don’t have any problems with him.”
“Why bring him up?”
“I saw you two kissing on campus. It’s OK. I’m not mad. You don’t love him. See, I do remember what you tell me.”
“That wasn’t Fred,” Kate said, the words sharp metal tearing into him.
Why isn’t the sun out, blocking her from me…
Why can’t I melt…
He heard Kate speak to him as if from a distance, and the more she said, the deeper he wanted to go into a dreamless sleep where blackness replaced feelings and thought.
“I felt guilty lying to you. I don’t lie. But in many ways you are very naive, unusual for someone your age. Actually, Samuel, you often act like a child—very innocent—and children don’t always have to know the truth. You saw me kissing Peter. We’ve been dating for awhile.”
“Peter…”
“He’s the pilot we met. I called him Saturday morning before we left Key West.”
“You went to the library…you had a test…”
“No, I met Peter. I didn’t want to hurt you. I’m glad this is now out in the open. We can go on from here.”
“Did you…”
“Have sex with him? Do you think that’s any of your business? The answer is yes.”
Samuel thought his heart would explode, its beats rapid and hard. He didn’t want to ask the question—
“It was just fun, right? I mean, you don’t love him…”
“Who knows? Come on, Samuel, it’s not the end of the world! Yeah, you pissed me off a few minutes ago, but I’m over it. We’re still friends. We can do stuff together.”
“Make love?”
“Peter and I are experimenting with monogamy. Our decision, not God’s. Want to come over for spaghetti? I’ve made meatballs.”
He slowly shook his head.
“Maybe some other time. It is a beautiful ring, Samuel. I’m sure you’ll find the perfect girl to give it to.” She touched his hand and left.
In his best suit and tie, Samuel walked slowly into the pool. In the deep end he allowed himself to sink to the bottom. Finding the drain, he pushed the lion head into it, swam up, lungs burning. Although he smelled of chlorine, he felt cleansed. A man had built a castle turning rocks into love. Using the healing power of the pool’s water, Samuel believed he had done the opposite, his heart now stone.
He fell heavy and wet into bed.
20
I’m back.
In the hall where I’m bumped by those who don’t see me and the ones who do call me names. Mary stands in front of her locker.
Her hair falls in butterscotch waves. I can’t see her face but I know what she looks like— her eyes are deep green and shiny. She likes me. I know it. Mary once invited me to her birthday party.
The dance will be fun. All I have to do is ask.
Just ask.
I didn’t before, but I will now, because I am back.
She’s turning!
Mary…
Kate…
My feet cut by shards of black sea glass, I am a child, hurt and alone, running lost into the sea…
Samuel awoke cold, his heart beating fast. He changed his damp clothes and went outside. Visible only as a shadow, a large man sat on his motorcycle. The Night Crawler. The hood who lived next door, but no one saw.
“Hello,” the voice a disembodied sound in the darkness. “Nice night.”
“Hi,” Samuel not coming any closer.
“It’s quiet. Peaceful. Then I start my bike. Probably wakes you up.”
“I’ve gotten used to it.”
“That’s important, getting used to things. You drive the Pinto?”
“Yes…”
“Massachusetts plates. I had a friend in Vietnam who was from there. Ed Reynolds. Did you know him?”
“No, sorry. I should go. I have work tomorrow.”
“What kind?”
”I’m a lawyer.”
“Do you put people in jail?”
“I’m not a criminal attorney. I handle…business cases. I don’t know anything about motorcycle gangs.”
“Too bad. You’re missing out on a lot of business. We rumble every night.” The Night Crawler laughed. “What do you know? The number of Americans who died in Nam? Easy to find out. Look it up in a book. But how many Vietnamese? In war you kill and get a medal. At home, it’s called murder. There’s the gray area in-between where you watch something happen because you can’t stop it. Is that a sin too?”
“Good question,” Samuel said. “Maybe we can talk about this again. Well, goodnight,” and he started to walk away.”
“Don’t move,” the Night Crawler said very quietly. Samuel froze. “Four of us in our hootch. My friend didn’t want to drink. They made him. I was too afraid to stop it or the rape. What could I do on such a quiet and peaceful night like tonight? He was a nice boy. Too bad you never met him.”
He kick-started his motorcycle and rode off inside its noise and fumes.
Samuel again heard the baby, the crying and Lipman’s cursing coming from the managers’ apartment.
When back in bed, Samuel thought about his life. Insulated. Privileged. His father had made sure he never had to kill anyone or watch a friend get raped.
What is my biggest tragedy? Losing a girlfriend. But is that ever unimportant? While war is only pictures and words for those who never fought in one, even college boys and draft dodgers understand the loss of love.
For everyone, it tears at the heart.
His immersion in the pool and rising out only a temporary return to values, Samuel wanted his life of sin back. He loved Kate and, if given the chance, would make love to her again.
While thinking about her, Samuel fell asleep and in dream, spoke to God.
“Why do you let her hurt me?” he asked Him.
“Because there are no rice paddies in Miami,” God answered.
For a week, he ate cereal and beans, didn’t shower, or shave. Sitting on the living room floor, cans of Stallion around him, Samuel drank b
eer and ignored the knocking on his door. Night became day, then night again, the passage of time marked by changing shades of darkness.
The beer didn’t make him drunk, just increasingly lonely. Samuel thought about Kate, not her body or eyes, or how much he loved her. She had taught him the true meaning of sex—release, nothing more. That was what he wanted. Escape from pain.
He got up, fumbled with his clothes and in drooping jeans, the tail of his white shirt hanging out, a knife in his pocket, walked to building three.
Lil let him in to the dimly lit room, drapes pulled tight around the air-conditioner, books spread haphazardly across the floor.
“You’re the lawyer,” she said, standing with her arms close to her pudgy body. “They told me about you.”
“Benny and Wolfman?” Suddenly self-conscious about how he looked, Samuel made a pass at his hair, tucked in the back of his shirt.
“Nice boys. They bring me chocolates. Do you have any?”
“No…”
“That’s OK. They didn’t either the first time they visited.” She wore a shapeless, long brown dress. Her thin hair parted in the middle, her glasses large and round, she looked matronly. “Want to see my bedroom?”
He had to be sure.
“How old are you?”
“Twenty.”
“Lead the way.”
The room windowless, the furniture existing as dark shadows in dusty air, Samuel saw little shapes on the bed. Lil sat beside one and picked it up.
“This is my favorite. He doesn’t have eyes but enjoys hearing Keats.” Facing the teddy, she spoke quietly to it.
“’Bold Lover, never, never canst thou kiss, though winning near the goal yet, do not grieve; she cannot fade, though thou hast not thy bliss, for ever wilt thou love, and she be fair!’
“Pure love,” Lil said, looking at Samuel. “It lives only in the heart.” She brought the stuffed animal to her chest, moved her legs slightly apart.
“I’m sorry,” Samuel said, and left.
At the dead palm tree of Gables Court, he carved inside a heart shape his initials and Kate’s.
Samuel called home and speaking to one of his father’s friends, told him about Lil.
“I’ll see what we can do,” the man said.
The next day, Lil’s parents flew in from Pittsburgh and took her back with them.
Samuel returned to the law library. After a few hours researching, he used the library’s payphone and dialed the office.
“Hi Vera. Sorry I didn’t check in last week, but now I think I’ve found some interesting cases. Can I speak to Mr. Eldridge?”
“He’s gone,” she stated, Samuel hearing something strange in her voice.
“In Vegas again?”
“That’s right, and dead. Killed himself in a hotel.”
For a moment Samuel couldn’t speak.
“When…?”
“Yesterday. Put a plastic bag over his head. The prostitute he’d hired found him face up on the bed. He called the cops.”
“Jesus…a prostitute,” then the rest of it sunk in. “He? A man?”
“That’s right, Baas. Eldridge was good at keeping secrets from everyone, but me. Lazy-son-of-a-bitch,” her sadness now unmistakable. “All he had to do was work. Instead he became a gambler and thief. What a waste.
“Let me tell you this,” Vera once again her gravelly self. “Thank your lucky stars you weren’t here today. Mullins and the police stormed in. They took out files and checkbooks. I can’t stand that bastard, but what’s right is right. It was Mullins’ money, in trust, and Eldridge stole it! Baxter looked like he was going to have a stroke. No telling what Eldridge had in those papers about Baxter’s shady dealings. He’s been in his office since the raid.”
“Mr. Smith called him?’
“How’d you know that?”
“Just a guess. I plan to stop in.”
“You should be looking for a job. I don’t think Mullins plans to keep us on retainer.” She laughed bitterly.
“What are you going to do?”
“Collect my social security checks and curse Eldridge every day for throwing his life away.”
Vera hung up.
Eldridge dead.
Kate gone.
Samuel went home, had a beer, and lying back in bed, read his Superman comics about Bizzaro World. More knocking, again persistent, intruding.
Doesn’t’ she get the message? I’m done with her. I’m not a fool. She’ll again make me sad…
He went to the door.
“Christ, what happened?” Gary asked. “Your car’s here. I’ve been coming by, but no answer.”
“Probably I was in the library.”
“For more than a week?”
“I was sick a few days, in bed and resting. Might have been the flu. I’m better now.”
“Then how about a few brewskies! Can you get away or do you have more library shit to do?”
“I’m done for today.”
“Great! I’ve got something very cool to tell you!”
Excitement showing in Gary’s face, Samuel didn’t mention Eldridge’s suicide.
Humming and smiling mischievously, Gary drove toward The Rat, Samuel wondering why all the mystery.
The bar looked the same, the crowd of tanned, mini-skirted girls and drunk, beer guzzling boys, as much a part of the permanent décor as the thatched roof and Tiki totems. Their table near the empty, corner stage, Gary ordered beers.
“OK, I’m waiting,” Samuel said.
“Ready for this? I’ve joined the Marines! Don’t look so shocked, Bud! It’s done! I leave tomorrow! I tried to tell you earlier, but you were in hibernation!”
“Why would you do something that crazy? You said you’d never enlist.”
“That was then, this is now. I want to be a General!”
“Gary, I’m serious…”
“So am I! OK, maybe a Captain! I’m in shape. I’m smart. I’ll be a great officer!”
“Don’t you have to go to a military school first?”
“Hell no! There’s all kinds of battlefield promotions.”
“Who told you that?”
“The recruiter. We’re at war, Sam. The communists are trying to take over the world. First Vietnam, then China. I heard this guy, Kissinger. He says countries are going to fall like dominoes. I don’t want the Reds in New Jersey, fucking telling me what to do. If we don’t fight them in the jungle, we’ll have to fight them over here. I’m going to kick some ass!”
“You mean shoot people.”
“If I have to. Beer’s here.” Gary took a drink. “This war’s an opportunity, that’s how I look at it. I’ll get rank, pay and do something good for the U-S-A! I can’t lose!”
“You might get killed,” Samuel said, looking directly at him.
Gary laughed.
“Me! You’ve got to be kidding! Only thing ever happen to me, I cut my chin. I’m the luckiest son-of-a-bitch you ever met! I’ll live forever!”
“China is already communist,” Samuel said.
“Yeah? So what? Nam isn’t. How’s Kate?”
“We broke up.”
“Sorry to hear that, but there’s lot’s of girls, just look around! I’m already irresistible. Can you imagine all the chicks I’ll get when they see me in uniform! Too bad you’re 4F. We could have done our hitch together!”
Gary drank, Samuel sipped his beer. A thin man wearing a leopard print tank top and tight pa
nts, a bald spot in the middle of his long hair, took the stage. They watched him prance around like Rod Stewart and try to sing.
“Glad I’m drunk,” Gary remarked.
After a couple hours, Samuel helped him home and into bed.
“Thanks, Bud, good ole buddy.”
“What time should we leave tomorrow?” Samuel asked.
“Tomorrow…” Gary smiled wistfully and fell asleep.
Samuel found the information on the table, planned to come over early and wake him up. He didn’t have to. In the morning, Gary knocked on Samuel’s door.
“I’m ready,” he said bright-eyed and cheerful. He wore his best salesman suit and carried a small suitcase.
On the way to the train station, they reminisced about their first time drinking together at The Rat.
“You were the king of puke!” Gary said. “Probably there’s still some barf on that ugly Tiki thing!”
“You’re right, I threw up. You putting the moves on the old woman made me sick!”
“And what did you do? Fall in love with a hippie folksinger! Gazing at her, acting real goofy, like you never saw a girl before. I meant to ask. Ever talk to her?”
“Yeah, and she was crazy about me.”
“Told you that?”
“Sure did.”
“Before or after I saw her kissing her girlfriend?”
“It was all peaceful, Bro, not like with you. I didn’t have to pull a knife on anyone.”
“I got away, didn’t I? That’s my point, Sam. I’m lucky!”
“Why are you taking the train instead of flying?”
“Planes crash,” Gary answered.
“You just told me again how lucky you are.”
“I am, but what about the other passengers?”
Samuel shook his head.
“You in the Marines. They don’t know what’s coming.”
“Fucking right about that! I’m a Jersey badass! Jesus, Sam, you’re driving like an old fart. Punch it! I don’t want to be late!”
At the train station, with few people boarding, Samuel and Gary stood on an almost empty platform.
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