by Ashley Beale
"I'm honestly not sure where to start." Rip the bandage off, Zoey, I tell myself. "I guess first things first. I've only ever been in a real relationship with one person before."
"Okay," he says quietly.
I inhale through my nose and exhale through my mouth, twice, before continuing. "We got together my freshman year of high school." Warm memories flood me when I say that, remembering why we started dating.
"What are you looking at?" I turn towards Tabby, who interrupts my dreamy thoughts of this guy. I'm not sure his name, but we have math together and I'd like to know his name. I haven't dated anyone since this summer when Jack Brown decided to French kiss Rachel Gosslin behind my back. That slut.
I shrug my shoulders. "Nothing. Just thinking."
"About?"
"This guy in my math class."
"You skank, it's only the second day of school and you're already drooling over someone. Who is he? What does he look like?" Her brows wiggle and I have to roll my eyes.
"I don't know," I say. I sigh with defeat and she giggles.
"Show me him."
I pull on her hand and we walk down the hall. It’s after school and I heard him talking about how he is playing soccer this season, so I walk her until we're near the locker rooms. We stay out view though, so I won't get caught. That would be incredibly embarrassing.
He walks out moments later, dressed in low riding gym shorts and a black men’s tank. His hair is slightly curly and looks incredibly good on him. "Him," I nearly screech.
She laughs and shakes her head. "Of course you'd be drooling over Kirt Parsons, every other girl in school is too."
"Aw, man." I pout my lips and she shoves at my shoulder.
"Stop being a baby. You're too beautiful to pout. I'm sure if he knew you were interested, he'd ask you out."
"Ha, you're funny," I tell her.
She moves away from me before I can stop her and she yells out, "Hey, Kirt, hold on a second."
He pauses and turns around to face her, completely confused why this random girl knows his name and why she is yelling to him.
She reaches him and they talk for a second. She turns and points at me and I realize that I'm visible to him. Great, I think to myself, this is so much more embarrassing than I thought it'd be. He smiles at me, and she seems to be excited about something. When she marches back over to me, I'm a little nervous until I see how much she is beaming with excitement.
"He says he is going to ask you on a date tomorrow." She keeps walking past me, completely ecstatic with herself.
The very next day in math class, he sits down next to me and puts out a hand. I laugh because he is trying to be formal and a gentlemen, yet we're only fourteen years old. "Hi, I'm Kirt. I thought I'd introduce myself."
"Hi, I'm Zoey." I shake his hand with a few more giggles.
"I like that name." I like you, I think but don't say. "What are you doing on Saturday night?"
I shrug my shoulders, feeling a little shy. "I don't have any plans."
"Now you do. I'm taking you to the movies to see that new Johnny Depp movie. Girls love Johnny Depp, right?"
"Yeah, they do," I say with a smile.
Of course I don't tell Harvey all that. He seems to notice my mind wandering over a memory and he patiently waits for me to come back to reality. My dreadful, hurtful, painful reality. Well, it was until a few days ago when I met him. How odd, huh?
"We were inseparable, right from the beginning. We both even attended the same college and were the best of friends. After college our plans were to get married, have kids, buy a home, and live the so called American dream. That all changed the day I found out I couldn't have kids."
His head tilts, confused by my admission.
"I ended up getting real sick and the doctor found out I had cervical cancer. It was my last year in college. I went through the treatments and in the end, I was cancer free. Well I thought. It came back, around a year after my last treatment, and the doctor ended up having to give me a partial hysterectomy, which results in me never being able to carry a baby."
I swallow at the thought. It's a painful thought. Normally in this part of the story, I would break down in hysterics. Not even a tear falls, not because I'm not sad but the medication I was put on prevents me from being able to cry. It's kind of relieving. I can actually tell my story, my painful story, without being a sobbing mess. Even if a few tears now and again are a little therapeutic, I'd rather not right now.
Noticing my pain though, Harvey places his hand over mine. He does all these little sweet gestures that makes me feel just a tiny bit better. His comfort and understanding is the only thing preventing me from having a panic attack right now.
"It doesn't mean you can't have kids," he says in a near whisper.
"I know. We talked about adopting but things changed."
"Okay." He allows me to continue at my own pace.
Another deep breath and I'm ready to continue. "We decided to put money away for the adoption we were planning. So instead of buying a home, we rented a one bedroom apartment, we both got jobs right out of college. Mine was in the field I studied, but not Kirt." I pause, realizing he didn't know his name. "That was my ex's name." He nods, understanding it before I had explained it.
"Anyways,” I shake my head, “we both worked hard, put the wedding on the back burner, and did our best. We had one interview with the adoption agency, but they told us they'd prefer we had a little more in savings, a larger home, and preferably married. That is when Kirt decided that him joining the military was in our best interest."
I shake my head remembering that conversation all too well.
Sitting at the kitchen table, I sort through coupons, getting ready for a trip to the grocery store. The screen door screeches open and I turn to spot a very mischievous looking Kirt.
"Oh God, what have you gone and done now?"
He walks over and wraps his arms around me from behind, laying a kiss on the top of my head. He grabs at the peanut butter and jelly sandwich I'm eating, taking a bite before telling me what crazy thing he has done. "I've found the perfect solution."
"Solution? Solution for what?"
He sits in the chair next to me, turning it so he can face me. He leans forward, placing his elbows on his knees, grabbing at my hands. He is incredibly excited and I'm getting more and more anxious to know what exactly what he has been up to.
"For everything. More income, more stability, a better home, the wedding you deserve. We can have it all."
My eyes widen, unsure if I should be ecstatic or scared as hell. "You need to hurry up and tell me your crazy scheme."
He laughs at me and gives my hand a kiss before placing our hands back in his lap. "I just met with a recruiter. You're going to have yourself a solider, babe."
"Y-you w-what?" I stutter. I can feel my face pale.
"Come on, baby, be supportive of me. This is for us, I promise you."
"This isn't for us," I say, shaking my head. I pull my hands away and nervously play with the ends of my hair, incredibly fearful about what he is saying. "There is a war going on, Kirt. You can't do this, not to me, not to us." A sob leaves my mouth and I don't try to hide it. I'm furious and scared. He is supposed to make me happy, not tear me apart.
He stands up, not looking nearly as excited anymore. "You'll see, babe. Everything will be okay."
"I didn't agree with him but I supported him. I knew he'd support me in whatever I chose, so after a few choice words, I let him do what he believed was best. He really believed it was."
"I'm sorry you had to go through all that," Harvey tells me.
I shrug my shoulders, not knowing what else to say. "It happens."
"It shouldn't have happened to you."
Instead of arguing, or agreeing, or anything else, I decide to continue my story, since I've already told him most of it. "He did some training but not enough, they sent him over there too soon, and three months later I got told his tank drove
over an IED. They told me it was quick and he didn't feel much pain, but I don't believe them."
Harvey continues rubbing my leg, soothing me the only way he seems to know how. He is handling my personal hell a lot better than I thought he would. I'm grateful he is strong enough to deal with my life, my past. It gives me the encouragement I need to continue with the story. To continue thinking that maybe, just maybe, one day I can be more than just friends with him. We may be able to build something together.
"It was a year ago last week that he passed away. I've just started healing recently. I'm still scared to move on from him, if I'm being completely honest. I'm scared to let him go. I'm scared that I'm not living up to what he'd want me to be. I'm scared of so much. I almost gave up on myself. I went into a deep depression and thought several times about taking my own life, but it was my sister, Emi, and my parents that gave me the strength to continue."
He pulls me close to him and holds me tight. We remain that way for quite some time. I don't expect him to say anything, but he softly tells me, "I'm glad you didn't give up."
"Me too." And I actually mean it.
"Good morning Zoey!" Meghan beams when I walk in.
"Morning, how are you?" We both walk towards my office.
I still am awe of my beautiful office. Today I brought framed pictures with me, mostly of Emi and I, one of my parents, and one of Tabby and myself. None of Kirt. I don't like to bring him to work with me. I wouldn't be able to concentrate. In fact, almost every picture I have of him is boxed up. I only have one I leave out, it's his military picture, placed next to his flag in my bedroom. The most precious thing I shipped to myself up here.
"Can't complain. Did you enjoy your first weekend in the city?"
I smile, thinking about Saturday traveling around with Harvey, and Sunday with him comforting me. He cooked me the most delicious supper last night too, and completely pampered me. It was more than wonderful. I don't tell Meghan all that of course, I simply tell her, "I did."
"Great! Okay, here are your assignments for today, and for this week. You can file them however you're used to, Gemma isn't too picky. Just make sure you have them submitted before their due dates. Everything you should need to know is here. Should you have any questions just call my office or send a quick e-mail. Good luck!"
She turns and walks out before I can even respond. I've been doing this long enough though, I'm easily put into my normal routine from back home and don't even realize when lunch approaches.
I meet Harvey outside the office building and together we walk to a little park that has become ours. It's small with just a few bench tables. It isn't too busy during the day, and I like that. It gives us time to talk, eat, and enjoy each other’s company. Tomorrow is the only day this week he said he isn't able to meet me, which is okay with me. I think I may need a break from him before I become too attached to his presence. I need to make more friends so I don't depend just on his friendship to keep me company.
When we sit down and I unpack my lunch box, he asks how my day has gone so far. "It's been great," I tell him, "I've gotten into my old routine already and should have my first assignment finished soon after I get back. I'll be able to start on another this afternoon that isn't due until Wednesday."
He seems happy by that. "Good to hear. Listen, what are you doing Thursday after work?"
I shrug my shoulders and wait until I swallow my bite of salad before I answer him. "I don't have plans. I think you know this," I laugh, "you're my only friend in this state."
"I'm taking you on a date then," he claims.
"Oh yeah, who says I'll accept it?"
He laughs. "Okay. Miss LaRoche, will you please go on a date with me Thursday night?"
I tap my chin, thinking on it. "Hmm, and where is it that you plan on taking me?"
He grins wider. "It's a surprise."
"Er, I hate surprises."
"You'll love this one, I promise."
I pretend to be annoyed although I'm really not. "Fine, I guess. If I have to."
He chuckles and shakes his head, completely amused by me. "Yeah, I'm pulling your hair, forcing you to come with me."
I spit my apple juice out at his statement. He gives me a questioning look, probably thinking I'm a loser. "Sorry," I tell him, quickly wiping up my embarrassing mess. "That just could be taken the wrong way."
He takes a second to get it then immediately his eyes look devilish as his lips turn upward. "Ah, so you're secretly a naughty girl."
I nibble on my lip, even more embarrassed than I was a minute ago. "No," I tell him.
"You can't fool me now," he laughs.
I roll my eyes and continue with my lunch, trying not to feel all warm and fuzzy inside.
I fail miserably.
After lunch, he walks me back to my office building, then gives me a very quick kiss to the lips before he takes off, going to work himself. I walk into the building blushing and holding my fingers to my lips. He is making me feel incredible. I can't even explain it.
"Have a good lunch Miss Zoey?"
I smile at an amused Fred. "I did, Fred. Thanks."
He smiles even wider at me.
When I walk into my office, I quickly close the door behind me, sighing contentedly. I'm still at a loss about if this is all okay, if this is all too much too soon, but I can't help but be happy. I can't help loving when he kisses me, flirts with me, touches me, meets me for lunch, all of it. He is becoming a part of my life so fast, it's almost exhausting.
After submitting my work, I decide to send a quick email to Emi, hoping she is still at work and can respond. I know I can always call her later, but I kind of want some advice now.
To: [email protected]
Subject: HELP!
Emi,
Sorry to bother you at work, I just wanted to ask for your loving and honest advice.
Am I moving too fast with Harvey? We kissed yesterday, he kissed me again today at lunch. He asked me on a date for Thursday. I told him all about Kirt and everything I've been through, and he was supportive and sweet. I'm scared Emi. SO SCARED. What do I do?!?! Ahhhh!!!
Zoey LaRoche
It takes several minutes before I get a response from her. I was getting more and more nervous with each minute that passed, so I'm thankful when I get the notification of a new email. I nearly gasp when I see how long her response is.
To: [email protected]
Subject: RE: HELP!
Ohhhh Zoey, my older yet babyier sister! (Yes, I know, not a real word- screw it!) When it comes to me, you should know better to ask for both loving AND honest- but I will certainly do my best. Okay, so the way I see it (this is the HONEST portion, btw) is that you've opened up to him which is the hardest part of it all. Am I right? I am, I know it. Anyways, you already did that and he isn't running away. That should tell you something. I know that has been one of your many fears. Of course kissing him is just as big of a deal when it comes to you and everything you've been through. You liked it? GOOD! Continue kissing. Further it. Remember what I said... passion before love... bow chicka wow wow. ;)
I'm very happy for you (yup, this is the loving portion). You not only deserve this but you *need* this. Don't be afraid of the future and the potential heart break and all that yadda yadda. Live each day, embrace it, enjoy it. Have faith it'll all work out, okay love? What's meant to be will always find a way, or whatever that saying is.
I do not believe you're moving "too fast" as you put it. Yes, it's a bit faster than some people, but not nearly as fast as others. Think about all those people out there that have s** the first time they meet someone. (Bleeped out because I don't wanna get you in trouble- "hi Zoey's boss!!!" -but you get the idea of what I'm saying). I think you're moving at a safe speed. In fact, I was just encouraging you YESTERDAY to boink him. Did you?!?!! ;) Please say yes!
Jk, jk, I know you didn't. Regardless, don't think too much on it. Go with the flow. I'm here if you need me doll face. LOV
E YOU. See you in ahhh.. two weeks and four days! Boo yeah.
*MWAH* Emi.
I hate when she is so right. I love it too, though. Here is yet another internal debate with myself. I need to stop doing this. I need to stop being so damn confused about everything in my life. I quickly respond, not wanting to further this conversation right now, while at work. I got what I was looking for, just a little push in the right direction and some 'motherly' sister advice.
To: [email protected]
Subject: RE: RE: HELP!
Can I just tell you that I love you. Even if you're insanely crazy. And it isn't my boss that reads these, it's the IT guy. He probably is shaking his head thinking my sister is a total s**t. ;-* Jk.. kinda.
Thank you though, seriously. I'd be so lost without you. You already know that though. I cannot wait til you're here in... two weeks and four days..! Even if that means the dang club. Boo. I need to get back to work though. I'll call you later.
Zoey LaRoche
I finish the rest of my work, clock out, and leave.
Thursday comes before I know it and I find myself oddly nervous. More nervous than I expected. I saw Harvey on Monday and yesterday at lunch, and we talked on the phone for three hours last night, yet here I am fumbling through all my clothing to find the right outfit for my date.
Harvey is going to meet me after work, and we're going to our date straight from there. He told me to dress as casual as work will let me be, because he wants me to be comfortable. That means I probably shouldn’t wear a skirt like I'd normally do for a date. Not that I normally go on dates, I haven't been on one in years, but if I would think about dating, I'd picture myself dressed in a skirt, blouse, and heels. Instead I opt for a blue cotton shirt, white dress pants, and a pair of blue flats.
I didn't bring all my clothing with me when I came here and its frustrating finding something to wear. Something I never lost in my depression is my love for fashion. When I was home sulking in self-misery I'd be in my sweats or pajamas, but when leaving the house, I'm always dressed to the nines. I don't think I could ever let myself go down that road of looking like death when I leave the house. I think everyone should always look beautiful when they walk out their front door.