by Ashley Beale
I shake my head at them all. "No," I tell them. "No, don't tell me. It's not true, it can't be."
I fall to the floor, unable to take that kind of pain. It's worse than I thought. I wasn't expecting that, not today. It was always in the back of my mind, I always knew it could happen. I had a gut feeling he wouldn't come home, but I prayed every single day. Sometimes I even visited church with Momma, wanting to get on God's good side. I thought with all the struggles, He'd grant me this. One simple thing. I wanted Him to let my fiancé, the love of my life, my soul mate, to survive the war.
Emi wraps her arms around me, sitting on her knees on the floor. "Shh, it's okay Zoey, it'll all be okay."
I shove at her. I actually shove at my sister. We never fight. We never get mad at each other. "Get away from me," I yell, angry at everyone. "Get the hell away from me and don't you dare say that everything will be okay. It'll never be okay, not ever!"
She doesn't let up, she holds me tighter. "I know, Zoey, I know. I'm so sorry, so very sorry."
I start sobbing into Emi's embrace. I feel both comforted and all alone, all at once.
"What... what happened?" I ask anyone willing to answer me.
My Momma is the one to answer. Her voice is so thick, it's almost hard to understand her, but at the same time, those words are heard clear as day. “The tank he was in drove over an IED, sweetie. I'm so sorry baby girl."
I sob harder, not able to respond.
Sometime later I wake up in my old bed. I must've cried myself to sleep in Emi's arms. That one second, that very first second of waking up, everything seems normal. Then a blurry fog takes over my head as reality comes crashing down on me once again.
Kirt is dead.
He is dead.
Gone, forever.
"How dare you!" I scream into the air. "I told you! I told you that this wasn't the best thing for us, Kirt. I told you that this would ruin us! US, Kirt, you hear that? Huh? You hear that word? It's us this ruined. Me and you both. You said it'd be okay, you said you'd come home to me, that we'd get married, that we'd adopt, we'd have children running around. We'd be happy. This would be worth it. Does it seem worth it to you? Huh?"
Tears flow down my face. I can't stop them. They're coming so fast I can't even wipe them away from my face.
"How can you leave me like this?" I can't yell any longer, my voice is already feeling gruff. The pain that radiates from within, the horror in my words, the feelings I have, they're not faded with my voice though, in fact, with each word I say, they're intensified. "How can you tear our worlds apart? You're dead Kirt, dead. You left me. You promised you'd never leave me. You promised me a wonderful future. Why would you take that from me like this?"
I roll over and shove my face into the pillow, screaming into it, releasing anger that is seething deep inside. My fists start punching at the pillow from either side of my face, while I kick my legs. I can't stop screaming, I can't stop being angry and hurt.
Someone wraps me in their arms and I can tell almost immediately it's my mother. She rubs my back and gives me the only comfort she knows how to give me. I'm sure it hurts her seeing her daughter so upset and heartbroken. I wouldn't know what to do for someone in my situation either. I let her rub my back as I soak her pant legs with my tears and the spit falling from my mouth as I try to catch my breath.
When tears stop falling and I start hiccupping from the tears and screaming and crying, I pull away and look up to my mom. Her eyes are blood shot as well, and she looks miserable. It isn't just hurting me, it's hurting everyone. I wonder how Kirt's mom is taking it. I wonder how Colt, Kirt's brother, is taking it. This can't be easy on them either. I'm not sure if I want to see them or not, I'm not sure I can handle it. I don't even think I can handle talking to them ever again.
"Can you try to eat?" Momma whispers.
I shake my head no. I couldn't eat even if I wanted to.
"Can I at least heat up some broth for you?"
I nod my head. I probably won't be able to keep it down, but I know I should try. Not just for me, but for my mother.
When she leaves, I stand up and lock the door. I walk into the en suite bathroom and rummage through the medicine cabinet. There is a bottle of pain reliever. Relieve my pain? Yes, I think so.
I open the bottle and pop a few in my hands. Three pills, that isn't enough. I slide a few more into my hand, I'm not sure how many it is, but it's at least ten. I put them in my mouth, then using the cup on the sink, I swallow them back. A knock on the bedroom door brings me back to the fact that my mom is here. She can't see me like this. This can wait until later. I walk to the toilet and use my finger to bring them back up. It takes a couple attempts, but eventually they empty into the toilet with one of the most disgusting tastes.
Opening the bedroom door, my mom hands me a coffee mug. Inside it is a yellow liquid, obviously chicken flavored broth. "Thanks Momma," I whisper in a husky voice.
She runs her hand down my hair, pulling on the end. "You going to be okay?"
I'm honest with her when I shake my head no. I sit on the edge of the bed and slowly sip on the broth. It feels good going down my throat. Momma watches me from the threshold a moment before disappearing down the hall. I'm thankful to be left alone. Minutes later, I'm exhausted from all the screaming, crying, and shaking my body did. I place the mug down and fall back into a slumber.
I wake up a sweaty mess. Why would I dream about that? I haven't dreamt about Kirt in months. I have never, not once, dreamt about that dreadful day. I look down to see I'm gripping onto the note Harvey wrote me last night when he left. Maybe between him leaving without a word, leaving just a note brought up those memories subconsciously.
I never read that letter I received in the mail that day. In fact, it's stuffed inside my box of memories. I threw it on top, scared to open it. Now that I'm healing, and after having that dream, I decide it's time. If I don't read it now, I may never. It'd be nice to know what his last words to me were.
Babe,
Hey, it's me, your wonderful, loving, caring fiancé, haha.
It's incredibly hot today. I hate wearing this damn uniform when it's well over 100 degrees outside. I won't complain though, I know you don't like hearing me complain. I can hear you now saying "this is what you chose that day, Kirt, you brought this on yourself." Don't lie, you were thinking it. ;-p
It's been two days since I've seen your face over that screen, but I look at your pictures every night. You're the most beautiful girl I've ever seen. You know that? I do, without a doubt. Even after all these years, I'm not sure how I ever got so lucky to have you. The boys here all hassle me when I fall asleep holding your picture close to me. I don't care though, I miss you. I'm man enough to admit that to anyone who asks.
I know you still haven't forgiven me for taking this step in life, but I still to this day think it's the best thing for us. You'll see. When I'm home, I'll make everything right in the world once again. I'll get you in a wedding dress finally, we'll find the perfect children for the both of us, and we'll live happily ever after, even in a damn house with a fenced in back yard- just like you want! Maybe we can even build a fort or a play house for the children. We're going to have a boy right? At least one? We should adopt like six kids. That'd cost a lot though, huh?
You should make Emi be your surrogate. That'd be interesting, seeing her knocked up. She wouldn't know what to do with herself. Yeah, let's not ask her, I'd be too nervous.
I'm sorry that you've been sick this past week. I'd love to be the one taking care of you. Sorry you have to take care of yourself. It must suck after all these years of me taking care of you, huh? I'll make it up to you one way or another when I see you again ;-)
Did your mom have a good birthday party last weekend? I meant to ask you over our last video chat, but I got a little preoccupied with your strip tease. Tease being the keyword. I love knowing you're a bad, bad girl in the bedroom, especially just for me. Uh, I'm hard just thinking about it.
I won't get into that this time though. I know how hot and bothered I got you last time. My little pussy cat, haha.
I'm real sorry to keep this short. I miss you bunches, but Sarge is making us do a trial run with something. I wish I could tell you more, then again, I'm glad I can't. Don't worry about me though babe. I'll be home before you know it. Take care of yourself, please. And always.
I love you my future Mrs. Parsons.
-Your "hubby" Kirt.
I drop the letter. It's unbelievable. The last words spoken to me from him. Words with hope and promises. With love and laughter. It's unbelievably surreal. I smell the letter, it still has his soapy scent, mixed with the hot desert. I used to sniff his letters every time I read them. It's faded some on this one, but it's still there.
I peak in the envelope and see the few speckles of sand he always accidently puts in there. He told me once over video chat he wanted to swap soil with me whenever the chance was given. It was just something cute we'd do with one another, so we could have a piece of each other. I pick a speckle up and rub it between my finger and thumb. He touched this, even for a quick moment, his fingers were the last ones on this.
My heart rate actually accelerates just at that thought.
Putting the speckle of sand in the envelope first, I fold the letter and put that back in too. I set it on top of the pile of pictures, letters, and keep sakes. I left a lot back home in Georgia but I brought these ones with me. They're the most important ones. I couldn't imagine how crazy I'd go if I lost anything in here.
Not feeling like going down memory lane any more than I have, I put the box safely back into my closet. I decide since it's still pretty early, a hot shower will help get me out of my funk. A few tears fall from my eyes, washing away with the water falling down on me, but I don't actually cry. I just let out a few emotions that obviously needed to be let loose.
I cook myself some pancakes after my hair and makeup is all done, then I settle on the couch and drink some orange juice as well. I don't have cable, and my movies are the same old ones I've seen a hundred times, so I decide to pick up the book I stole from my sister. I read the first five chapters of it while on the plane and never finished it.
Relaxing on the couch, I open up to chapter six and start reading. It's a cute little romantic book about a girl who goes back to Texas after ten years of being away. Her mom sent her to Ohio when she was a teen for becoming pregnant, and never told the family, so when she shows back home with her now pre-teen son, her family is in shock. Well, not just her family, but the child’s father who meets his kid for the first time. He is now engaged to someone else but wants to be a family with this girl and their son, while she just wants to head back to Ohio.
My heart breaks for all the characters in the book as I continue reading. For the first time, probably ever, I find out why my sister has such an obsession with reading. I get so involved in the lives of these fictional characters that I can feel my heart beating faster, I get annoyed the same time anyone in the book does, I laugh at a lot of the snarky remarks. By the time I'm on chapter nine, I'm addicted to the lives of these fictional people and their crazy situation.
Although I'm enjoying the book thoroughly, my mind keeps drifting to this morning. Stupid little things in this novel keep reminding of things Kirt and I have said or done. I shake my head and keep reading, just to find something else to bring back memories.
My phone rings and I actually contemplate not answering it, not wanting to put the novel down. I do though, and I'm glad when I see Harvey's name light up my screen. "Hello."
"Hey beautiful, what are you doing?"
"Uh, reading."
He chuckles. "I didn't know you were a reader."
"I'm not," I admit.
"Oh, well then you wouldn't be subjected to me coming to see you today, now would you?"
I try my hardest not to sigh. I can finish reading later, because yeah, I'd really love to see Harvey right now. "I would actually really enjoy you coming over today."
"Good, because I'm almost there."
I hop off the couch. "Okay, see you soon." I click the end button, hearing his laughter before it disconnects us. I hurry up and pick up from my breakfast and run into the bedroom to make my bed. Just as I'm finished tidying up, I hear him knock on the door.
When I open the door, Harvey is holding a single yellow rose. It's the sweetest thing ever. I accept the flower and his kiss to the cheek. "How are you this morning?" Oh right, its still morning. I forgot that I woke up before the sun today.
Harvey seems to notice my grimace. Before he says anything, I blurt out. "Better now."
I put the rose into a tall glass I have, filling it with water and then setting it next to my TV, since I don't have many more places to put it. When I turn to face Harvey again, he looks sad for me. Crap, I didn't mean to make him sad for me. I don't want him to feel any worse for me than he probably already does.
"What's wrong?" He places some of my hair behind my ear, running his fingers along my jaw before his hand drops from my face.
"I just had a bad dream, no big deal." I walk over and sit on the couch. Harvey joins me, and twists his body to face me.
His hand grabs ahold of mine and his thumb runs over my knuckles. "It is a big deal if it puts that look on your face I saw when I asked about your morning. Tell me about it?" His eyes are so pleading, it’s hard to say no.
"I just... I dreamt about the day I was told about Kirt passing away."
"That wasn't a dream then, that was a night terror." He pulls me close to him and kisses the top of my head. It's very comforting. "I'm sorry that you had to re-live that, Zoey. I can't imagine going through that once, let alone twice."
"Yeah." It's all I can bring myself to say, and it's barely said, it's more whispered through a ragged breath.
He pulls back and looks down at me. "The trouble is, you think you have time."
I smile at his words. "Buddha, really?"
He nods. "Yeah, they're powering words. We all think we have time, we all think that life goes on forever. And well, it does, until it doesn't." He shrugs his shoulders.
"Ah, you're just confusing me all the more."
He laughs softly. "Sorry." His free hand plays with the ends of my hair as he stares down into my eyes. "Have you ever heard about Zibu?"
"It sounds familiar. I think I read on it in sociology class or something once."
"It's not talked about often, but when people hear about it, it sort of sticks with them. It's an Angelic language that is expressed completely by symbols. The symbols alone have very strong meaning to them. When looking at the symbols, usually one sticks out the greatest, and most people believe it's because that is what your life needs. The balance and power of that symbol."
I nod my head. "Yeah, that all sounds very familiar."
He pulls his shirt up and shows me the tattoo I drool over every time I spot it. I've been meaning to ask him what it meant. I think I know now.
"This is the symbol that means Choose Life. It brings with it a real knowledge of the importance in embracing life completely and fully. It has a great power for those who choose not to live life to the fullest, or those who don't feel joyous in life. It's one of the more powerful symbols. It's why I chose it."
I run my fingers along the swirls. It's tattooed completely in black ink and takes up most of his left peck. It's the only tattoo he has and I love it. I don't like a guy who ruins his body with tattoos and piercings, although a few aren't too bad. Kirt and I were going to get a 'couples tattoo' when we got married, but we obviously never did.
"I was going to get a tattoo once but ended up not."
"Why not?"
"Never got around to it." It’s pretty much the truth.
He grins. "Let's go."
I'm taken aback for a moment. "Wait, what?"
With a small laugh, Harvey stands and holds out his hand for me to take. I'm sad his chest is covered again and completely nervo
us by what I've gotten myself in to. "Let's go get you that tattoo."
"Well, I don't have one chosen."
"Let's choose one then."
I grunt, frustrated, but also completely thrilled. I take Harvey's hand and stand up. After getting on my coat, we leave the apartment. I'm in nerves the whole taxi ride to the tattoo parlor. I'm not even sure if they're a good one, I just told the taxi guy to bring me to a well-respected, clean tattoo shop. He sort of laughed at me, probably realizing the same thing as me- that well respected and tattoo don't usually go hand in hand with one another- but he drives me to one anyways.
Harvey and I get out, and I throw the driver some money. We walk into the shop, and I start looking at the books.
A larger man, completely covered in tattoos, including some on his face, comes over. "Can I help you?" he looks at me, almost with disbelief I'd be in a place like this.
"Yeah, I uh, wanted to get a tattoo today. Do you have any openings?"
He nods his head. "In matter of fact, I do. Give me about twenty minutes to get a clean table for you, and get the instruments set up. Any idea what you want or where you're going to get it?"
I shake my head. "No, not yet."
"Okay, well take a look around." He walks through a swinging door to the back and leaves Harvey and me alone to decide.
After three books, Harvey and I agree on the same tattoo. I didn't want anything about love or loss, I wanted it about me, my struggles, and the fact I've survived them. When I finally saw exactly what I wanted, I added a little something of my own to it. The tattoo guy comes back out, I show him and explain how I want it to look, and he says he needs to draw it up real quick to fit on my wrist.
I sit down in the chair that I made sure was cleaned prior to. Harvey holds my hand. "I'll be right here for you."