by Ashley Beale
"Yeah, I guess you're right. I just don't know what to do without you Kirt."
"Then pretend I'm here with you." His hand goes up and covers my heart. "I'm always in here, always. No matter where in the world I am, no matter what I'm doing, a piece of me lives inside your heart and soul. As a piece of you will always remain with me. If you need to talk to me and I'm not there, talk to me anyways. Tell me everything you need to tell me, get it off your chest and clear you mind. It may sound crazy now, but I promise you it'll help you."
I turn my body so he can wrap me in his arms. "Yeah, it does sound a little crazy."
"Will you do it though?"
I look up at him, resting my chin on his chest. "Of course I will."
He kisses my forehead then let's me go. "Good. I bet I'll hear every word you speak to me too."
"You're clearly insane."
"For you."
"So can you hear me?" I ask.
Nothing. Of course there is nothing but silence.
"Yeah, that is what I thought. I believed every single thing that you told me, but sometimes I'm not so sure why. You made me believe everything that came out of your mouth. Every promise, every lie. All of it. I believed you Kirt and you failed me! I don't know if to yell and be angry, or feel like an idiot, or ball my freaking eyes out. Not that I can!" I yell the last of the words.
"I'm being stupid. I just miss you, Kirt. I miss you so much. I just want your arms around me tonight. I want your love and protection, babe. I don't just want you, I need you! You were my best friend, my life, my other half, all of it. You were everything to me. I hate that every day I'm losing more of you. I hate that I can move on, that I can live my life while you're up there, watching down on me."
I close my eyes and bring the blankets up to cover me. "Can you touch me?" I ask, trying to feel his presence but I can't. "Can you see me? ...Hear me? ...Do you still love me after I've failed you? What is it like up there Kirt? Is there even an afterlife? I wish there was a sign, some sign, that I could know that I haven't completely lost it. That I haven't completely lost you."
I hear the door open then latch back close. There is a wrestling with the security bolt on the door. I pray to God it's my sister. I keep my eyes close, shut my mouth, and pretend to be sleeping. I can hear someone fiddling around in the fridge, then a burp and hiccup. Yeah, that's Emi alright. She doesn't come in the room, and I hear her turn the TV off. Then the squeak of the couch and nothing more. I open my eyes and look around before rolling onto my side.
"Night, Kirt. I love you." I drift off to sleep after that.
I roll over and see Kirt facing me. I can't tell for a moment it's a dream, but since he is laying with me, it has to be. He found my apartment in New York, he found my bed, he found me. He found me. He answered me the only way he could, he came into my dreams.
"Hi," I say to him.
He doesn't smile but he doesn't scowl either, he just watches me closely. "I'm so sorry," he whispers.
He hasn't said those words to me once since he passed away. It feels nice hearing him tell me that finally. I knew he was sorry, I've known that all along, but to hear it one last time, knowing how sincere he is about leaving me alone for the rest of my existence, it's nice. It's better than nice. This is the best I'll get of Kirt until I meet him in the afterlife.
"I know," I tell him.
"I wish I could comfort you more."
"Me too."
He reaches over and presses his hand to my cheek. I push my face into his endearing gesture. It's not warm like I'd like, but I can feel it there. It gives me a thrilling comfort. "I shouldn't be here."
"I'm glad you are."
"I can't come back."
"Don't leave me yet."
His lips lift into a sad, small smile. "I won't, yet. But I have to soon. It's almost time for you to wake up."
"I'd rather sleep forever Kirt, if that means I can see you."
He shakes his head softly. "I only have a few more minutes’ baby."
"Are you mad at me?"
His eyes memorize my features as he thinks about my question. "I could never be mad at you. You're living, you're breathing, you're being a human being. You're bound to make mistakes. You're supposed to move on. You're supposed to be living each day, baby. Continue what you're doing and don't question things so much. Okay?"
"Okay," I answer. I don't want to live without him, it's been so hard until recently. "I will always love you most."
"I know. And you'll always be my one true love. I'm your guardian angel sunshine, and I always will be."
I can actually feel him fading from me. "Don't go," I plead.
"I have to. Take care of yourself, beautiful. You need to wake up now."
I reach out to him but he is gone.
I bolt awake. Sweat is pouring off from me and my eyes are actually a little wet. I wipe away the moisture and climb out of bed. Going into the bathroom, I splash my face with some water and look into the mirror. I've never dreamt about Kirt that way. I'm sure it has something to do with the amount of alcohol I consumed, the guilt I had, and my screaming at him before I fell asleep. I'm not surprised by him visiting me in my dreams but then again, I am. I wasn't expecting it.
In a way it was nice. I liked seeing him again. No, I loved seeing him again. It wasn't nearly long enough though. My body shivers just at the thought of his hand on my cheek. I place my hand over the same cheek and watch myself in the mirror, just as a million memories come flooding through. A million touches, a million kisses, a million sweet moments.
I get into the shower and wash away my dreariness. When I get out, I slide into some shorts, a loose tee-shirt, and I keep my wet hair hanging down. I opt out of makeup today. At least for now. Depression has sunken into my mind and I can't shake it. Everything I've been doing that has been going so great just got twisted upside down in one single night.
Emi is still in her dress from last night, she is half covered in a blanket, and the two pillows I left on the couch are on the floor. I open the fridge to get some milk and I can't stop the laughter when I see her heals in there. I stop laughing when I notice the milk is gone. I close the door to the fridge and look around. The milk is under my coffee table. Seriously? I try not to groan. I know it's warm, it's been like six hours since she got home.
After clipping my hair up, I grab my phone and keys, then slide on my sandals. I make my way out the door without waking Emi up. I'm too frustrated this morning and I need two things; fresh air and coffee. I walk to the cafe that I've claimed as mine, and I get the same coconut coffee and vanilla scone I get each morning. I sit at the very same table I first had a conversation with Harvey, and I slowly sip at the hot beverage.
My phone jingles and thinking its Emi asking where I am, I'm surprised to find Harvey's name on the screen. Good, I was just thinking I'd like to hear his voice.
"Hello."
"Hey, what are you doing?"
"Oh, just drinking some coffee, what are you doing?"
"Nothing, just taking a break from my dad right now."
I give a sad look even though he can't see me. "How is your aunt?"
"They're giving her a three days tops." I can hear the sadness in his voice. My heart hurts for him.
"Oh, Harvey, I'm so sorry."
"How are you? How are things going with your sister being there?" He changes the subject, which can only mean it's too hard for him to talk about.
I toss the empty cup into the trash and walk back onto the sidewalk that is starting to get busy. It's another gorgeous day out and it's already starting to get hot. "It's been good so far. I'm really enjoying having her around me. I wish you could get to know her while she is here."
"Yeah, I wish so too. Soon. Maybe when you have some vacation time we can go down to see your family." That makes me smile.
Except, my first vacation isn't until Christmas. I used up all my vacation time while grieving this past year. I'd take three days here, four days there, somet
imes I'd skip out of work early, or not go in until after lunch. "That would be awesome," I choose to say.
"Did you guys go out last night like you'd planned?"
My heart rate accelerates at his question remembering what happened after we went out. That is something I'll have to explain in person. "Yeah, we did."
"And?"
"It was fun, I enjoyed myself." I want to smack myself in the forehead for saying that. It's a little inappropriate to tell the man I practically cheated on that I enjoyed myself. What is wrong with me? Oh, right, a lot.
He seems genuinely happy to hear that. "I'm so glad, Zoey. I'll call you later though, I need to go."
"Okay, I'll talk to you soon."
I happen to be in front of my building at that point and head inside. Emi is still passed out, so I walk into my room and throw myself onto my bed. I don't know what to do, about anything. I look over to my shelf and see that novel that I still haven't finished reading. I'm pretty sure I only have about two chapters to go. I get up and grab it, before cozying up in my bed, finishing the dramatic romance novel that has captured my heart in a whole new way.
Just as I'm finishing up, Emi comes padding through my room, looking disastrous as she goes into my bathroom. After hearing the toilet flush, the water run, and a few groans leave her mouth, she comes out into my bedroom again and lays on the end of the bed. "Ugh, I'm never drinking again."
"I've heard that one before," I say. I don't look at her as I'm reading the last three pages.
I can feel the bed move and then she gasps. "Is that my book, you bitch?"
I quickly peak at her over the top. "Yeah, almost finished. Please tell me there is a second."
Ignoring my enquiry, she yells dramatically. "Seriously! How dare you take that and not tell me? I've been searching frantically for it."
I ignore her while I quickly read the last of it. When I'm done, I set it down and look to my sister. "Will you mail me more books, please? I'll send them back when I'm done."
She scowls at me. "You're not going to apologize?"
"Okay, I'm sorry I borrowed your book without asking. But, remember you're borrowing my car, half my wardrobe, and probably a shit ton of other things of mine. In fact, I think I'm going to have to video chat you so you can show me around my room, then I can tell you what to box up and send me." Then I look around my room, feeling bummed I won't be able to fit most of it. "Uh, maybe, actually. At least some clothes."
"You're a brat. So anyways, what happened last night to you? I only half remember you leaving."
Oh, right.
"My feet hurt and I wasn't feeling that well," which is the truth, "so Brice walked me back here. He tried staying awake for you but got tired and headed home after we watched a little bit of a movie. Then I went to bed." I shrug my shoulders, pretending like everything was innocent, and just as I explained. Oh how I hate lying to my sister.
She doesn't seem like she suspects anything else, but she does look highly disappointed. "Yeah, I was wondering what happened to him. That sucks. I don't think I could have done anything with him anyways, I was pretty done for last night. I barely remember coming back here. I'm surprised with myself that I remembered your address."
That makes me feel even guiltier. I left my sister at a night club her second night in a strange, large, and very dangerous city. She is my younger sister and I'm supposed to protect her and I didn't do that. Not that she is hurt but she could have been and it would have been all my fault. Then I leave with the man she was planning on, uh, hooking up with and I did things with him I never should have done.
Hello depression, I really haven't missed you and you can leave any time now, thanks.
"I'm glad you made it back safe," I tell her. I know my voice sounds bitter and sad, but I can't stop it.
She crawls over to where I am and sits up, wrapping me in her arms. I hold her close to me, feeling guilty about way too much. "I'm okay, I can take care of myself Zoey. I always do. I'm used to this lifestyle. I was perfectly fine. I had Meghan and Ryan with me, they dropped me off first and made sure I was safe. Don't feel bad about leaving me. I didn't mean to make you feel bad."
She knows me so well. Sometimes I love it, other times not so much. Right now, I'm glad she does. She makes me feel better about the situation. Not great, but better. I'll take it.
I wish I could tell her about Brice. I want some of her insight on the horrible thing I've done, but I don't want her mad at me.
"Have you heard from Harvey? You look really down, Z."
I try to smile but it doesn't come out that large. "Yeah, we just got off the phone about an hour ago. His aunt only has days left to live and he is pretty down right now. It wasn't a long conversation, but it was good hearing from him. He said that on my next vacation he wants to come home and meet the family."
"Oh, yay, that is awesome." She hugs me again and rubs my back. "I'm sure Momma and pops will love him."
"Yeah, I know they will."
When she pulls away, her eyes look at where I placed her book. "Oh my God, I'm going to kill you!"
I roll my eyes. "I thought we just had this-"
She interrupts me as she grabs my wrist and looks at the ink on it. Oh, right, that. I almost forgot about it, now that it doesn't itch. "I cannot believe you haven't told me you got a tattoo. When the hell did you get this?" Her eyes bore into mine.
"Two weeks ago."
"It's cute but I'm so mad at you! You decide to be rebellious and you don't even tell me. I'm slightly disappointed with you."
I stick my tongue out at her. "Oh shut it. It wasn't about being rebellious, it was something I had wanted to do with Kirt after we got married, and Harvey brought me to the shop and helped me choose out something that really meant a lot to me."
Emi helps bring me out of my funk and I end up doing my hair and makeup while she showers and I change into better clothing. I mentally scold myself for leaving the house the way I did earlier.
We spend the day visiting various shops around the city, picking up a few things for dinner, and I'm forced by Emi to buy a cheap electronic tablet. She said later she was going to download some books to my tablet, and she showed me where I can watch movies and TV shows online for only a few dollars a month. I'm pretty excited by it actually, it'll give me something to do when I'm left alone.
My mood changes drastically as the day goes on, in fact, my guilt even eases up quite a bit. All that is behind me as I spend quality time with my sister.
It quickly hits full force the very next day though.
Walking into the break room during lunch, since Harvey still is up North and I don't want to sit in our park alone, I walk straight to fridge and pull out my lunch bag. I decided to stick with a sandwich again, that way I don't have to hog the microwave, and I walk over the only empty table. I was hoping Meghan would be in here, but she usually takes a much later lunch than me, so it makes sense she's not.
Brice walks in seconds after I sit down but he doesn't even look in my direction. He just puts his Tupperware dish in the microwave and he fiddles with something in his lunch box. When the microwave beeps, he pulls out his dish and turns. That is when he spots me. I think he truly did not notice me when he walked in, when I thought he was just simply ignoring me. He gives me a sad smile and walks slowly towards me.
My heart beats out of control the entire time he walks in this direction. When he sits down, he looks at the table instead of at me. "Hey," I say softly.
"Hey," he says back, still not looking at me.
I sigh drastically and place my sandwich down. "Seriously, you're going to ignore me?"
His eyes look in my direction as his face is still tilted down and it's an extremely intimidating look. It's actually very scary, and if I didn't know he was such a funny, nice guy, I'd probably run away. Instead, I wait for him to say something, anything, trying my best not to cringe with the effect he has on me right now.
"I'm not ignoring you, I said hi, and I'm
sitting with you." His gaze goes back down to his food. I decide to be childish and I stick my finger in his spaghetti-os. He freezes with his fork midair and drops it. The loud cling causes a few people to turn and stare. Two people I notice give a very strange look, so I quickly remove my finger and stick it in my mouth, incredibly embarrassed. I don't know what made me just do that.
"What the-"
"Sorry," I blurt out in a hurry.
He looks up at me and he is... smiling. He is actually smiling. I wasn't expecting that. He shakes his head slowly back and forth, accessing me with amusing eyes. "I don't get you."
"I don't get me either," I say, shrugging my shoulders. It's true, I don't.
He chuckles while he picks up his fork. "Am I allowed to eat my food now or are you going to murder it with your finger again?"
My eyes narrow at him but I don't say anything. I pick up my sandwich and bite it too, smiling between bites. I'm glad we can be fine.
"Did you have a good day yesterday?" he asks me after a few minutes.
"I did, how about you?"
"Eh, I guess so."
"Why just eh?"
"Honestly?" I nod my head to answer him. He sort of sighs and looks sluggish. "I was worried you were angry with me, and I was pretty angry with myself." I can see the embarrassment and shame in his features and that makes me feel really bad.
"Hey," I say to him when he looks down at his food. His eyes meet mine slowly. "I was mad at myself, never you. Don't feel ashamed or angry about what happened. It was-" I press my lips together and smile a little. I shouldn't tell him how incredible it was, because I've already gone behind Harvey's back enough, but it was definitely something fierce.
He finally smiles as he remembers Saturday night. "Yeah, it was," he says with a pleased smirk.
"So we can be friends right?" I feel bad asking him if we can be friends after what happened, and after he admitted he had feelings for me, but that is all I can offer to give him. There is something about Brice I like, and I'd like to have him in my life.
I see his eyes roll when he looks to the side. He clears his throat before looking back at me with a small smile. "Yeah, friends is good."