by Ashley Beale
I squeeze her hand, more in comfort, but also to let her know to go ahead and tell me what she wants to say. With a heavy breath she finally speaks in a soft voice. "Momma and Poppa are staying at a hotel nearby, I need to call them and tell them you're awake."
I shake my head back and forth, pleading with her not to.
"I have to, they're going to want to see you." A tear slips from her eye and she quickly wipes it. "They only left about two hours ago, they were exhausted. They haven't slept a wink since they arrived two days ago." I close my eyes, not able to see that kind of pain on her face.
"Brice came by yesterday with those." I open my eyes to see her pointing. I look, and there is a bouquet of pink lilies on the table in a gorgeous vase. Ironically enough I think, wow, I finally got a vase. Then I think about how beautiful they are, then about how sweet and romantic that is. Then I think about the fact he left me too.
I look back at Emi and she is smiling softly at me, while her thumb runs over my hand. "He was here for about an hour. I left him in here with you alone, it's the only time I've left you, but I knew he had things to tell you he didn't want me to hear. I know you don't want to hear it right now, but you've hurt a lot of people Zoey. Meghan and Ryan have stopped by a few times, I've been on and off the phone with Colt and Peggy-Sue. Tabby even has called and texted me a few times. There are way too many people that love you. Don't ever do that again, ever. If you even think about it, let me know now, so I can say my goodbyes."
She managed to stay strong through all that until the last sentence. Her voice broke and more tears fall. She pulls away from me and rubs her eyes, trying to keep the tears from pouring out but it doesn't work. I sip more water and close my eyes. Tears are falling from my eyes, too, but they aren’t pouring out like hers are. I am the worst sister in the world. The worst daughter too. I was selfish and inconsiderate, but at the same time, I just... I just couldn't do it! Doesn't anyone understand how much it hurts to be me? Anyone?!
With a few sniffles and a clearing of the throat, I manage to get out the two words she needs to hear spoken from me instead of written on paper. "I'm… sorry."
She nods her head and leans down, resting her head on my lap as she continues to cry. I run my hand through her hair, and she ends up closing her eyes. Sleep takes over in just a few seconds and more guilt rushes through me. She is exhausted because she has been too scared to close her eyes. She hasn't left my side. I wish I could promise her this won't happen again, I wish I could tell her I'm okay, anything along those lines, but I can't. I still am not sure I want to be alive.
Since Emi ended up falling asleep and it was pretty late at night, my parents weren't notified until morning. They came and visited me at the crack of dawn and were startled to see me awake. My mom sat next to me, on the opposite side of the still sleeping Emi, and she cried harder than I've ever seen her do. It hurt my heart a lot, and it just came to prove again, that I'm always hurting now. No matter what I do, or don't do, I'm getting hurt by something or someone. Sadly in this case, that someone is myself.
My Poppa stood by the door and just stared at me, almost as if he came any closer to me it'd all be his imagination. They left after an hour, which is around the time Emi woke up. By then I was able to talk a little more, although it still hurt, and told her to shower. She was reluctant to leave my side, but she did. My mom had brought her clothes from our apartment, as well as deodorant and stuff. When she came out, she said she felt ten times better, sat on the fake leather futon-couch in front of the TV, and ended up passing back out. Poor, poor Emi.
I fell asleep soon after and when I just woke back up, she was gone. No one was in here. The dry erase board claims my nurse will be by around noon, and it's ten minutes till. I'm sure Emi went to go get food. I grab the menu on the table next to me and search for something to eat. I'm to be limited to soups, broths, ice creams, basically anything hot or ice cold, that can just slide easily down my throat.
On the chart placed on the table, I mark off chicken broth and some orange juice. I won't consume them the same time, because that'd be gross, but they're the only two things on there that seem appealing to me.
When there is a knock on the door, I tell the nurse or whoever to come on in. Brice ends up walking through the door and he pauses at the end of the bed. He looks like he hasn't slept much either. When will the guilt end?
I smile at him but he doesn't return the gesture. "Why?" he asks me softly. I don't have to tell him to elaborate, I already know what he is asking. I close my eyes and take a few deep breaths. When I open my eyes, he still hasn't moved. I point to the chair and he shakes his head no.
"Fine," I breathe out. I grab my water and take a few more sips. It feels a little easier to swallow, although there is still pain. I clear my throat, knowing I'm probably going to talk more than I should, but he does deserve some sort of explanation from me.
"I hate hurting. I hate my life." Tears start coming out. I don't mean to cry, but to admit this out loud, to someone I care a lot for, it's hard. "I'm confused. I'm lonely. I'm tired. I just couldn't do it anymore."
His shoulders slump and he looks down where my feet are instead of at my face. I stop talking because it's obvious he doesn't want to hear any of this. I barely hear him when he mumbles, "keep going." It surprises me. So, he does want me to keep going, he just can't face me. Figures.
I take another sip of water first, finally feeling a little more lubed in my throat. "I've suffered a lot, and I just couldn't take it anymore. You don't understand, no one does."
"You're damn right I don't." I startle when he raises his voice. He looks up at me and I can see his eyes filling with unshed tears. "That was the most selfish thing that you could have done! I have been beating myself up over this, Zoey! I would have never left you alone if I had known you were going to try to... kill yourself."
I grab a few tissues and attempt to stop myself from crying but I can't. It's not happening. Brice walks over and sits in the chair next to me. He doesn't touch me, but he does watch me closely. "I never meant to hurt you, or anyone. I just, I just couldn't take the pain any longer. You left me, Brice, you walked out my door and you left me. Everyone leaves."
"I wasn't leaving you, I was giving you space. I was giving me space. There was so much that happened, I just needed to figure shit out. I knew you needed to, too. I still don't understand what happened, and I'm scared."
I close my eyes. "Me too."
"I'm sorry you thought I left you, but did you even think twice about what you did? What you attempted to do?"
Ignoring his question, because that is the last thing I want to discuss right now, I tell him something that'll probably scare him more, but I feel the need to say it now that I can talk. "I saw Harvey again."
There is an awkward silence, so I open my eyes and look at him. He is just staring at me in disbelief and confusion. I guess I should probably elaborate on that a little more. "When I took all the pills, he showed up. I know it sounds crazy. It is crazy." I shake my head, and decide I'm making the situation worse, but then he runs his hand on my arm and it gives me the power to continue.
"That guy... on the sidewalk. He, I met him on a subway. He reminded me of Kirt. I guess, I don't know, it's like what the doctor said. My brain, or the medication, or a mixture of them both, they created an in-between. The guy told me his name was Harvey, and apparently after meeting him, my imagination came up with this illusion of him, one where he helped me heal. When I envisioned him again. Before Emi showed up, he explained it all."
Brice tilts his head and watches me attentively. I'm not sure if I'm reassuring him or confusing him. I'm not sure if this is going to scare him or if it's going to clear the air. He doesn't run out the door, but he doesn't comfort me. As hard as this all is for me to say, I continue. I may as well finish now that I've opened the conversation up between us.
"I know it wasn't him that explained it. But a manifestation of him was there. I could see him, touch hi
m, hear him. All he did was explain to me what Dr. Ross has already explained but he filled in the blanks."
"Was this before or after the pills?" His voice is breathless and emotional. He wipes at his own eyes as a few tears break through.
"During." I look down, completely embarrassed by everything. "He was yelling at me to stop. I think it was my way of telling myself to stop, but I couldn't. Then he started explaining what I think I already knew. I don't know, it's all confusing. I've never heard of this happening to anyone before, and I have no way to fully explain what I experienced, but it's finally making sense to me."
His hand finds mine and we hold hands in silence. We both cry a little, but we don't say anything.
Emi walks in and freezes when she sees us. "Uh, was just getting your lunch card. You hungry?"
I reach over and grab the card, not letting my other hand leave Brice's. Emi comes over and takes it from me. I see her eyes find our locked hands but she doesn't say anything. "I'll be back in like a half hour. Is that okay?"
"Yeah, it is, thanks."
She gets to the door and looks back. "You're talking better." I just nod my head as she walks through and closes the door behind her.
Brice clears his throat and my attention is back on him. He doesn't say anything or even look at me.
"I really am sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you."
"I know," he says quietly.
"Are we... okay?" I swallow hard when I ask that question. I'm not sure if I want to know the answer.
He looks back up to me, then he stands, separating our hands. My eyes immediately well back up with tears. I don't want to make him feel guilty, or any worse than he does. I don't need to cry right now. It just hurts so much, it's hard to stop myself. I'm sure they haven't been administrating any of my antidepressants over the last few days while I was out, so it's no wonder I can't stop myself from being so damn emotional.
Instead of walking off, he actually lays on the bed with me. He doesn't say anything, he just lays on his side and keeps an arm wrapped around me. It's more than I imagined, and it feels remarkable. It's soothing and hopeful and well, if I'm being honest, it's loving.
I close my eyes and allow myself to enjoy this moment as much as I possibly can. He isn't leaving me. He isn't leaving me. He isn't leaving me. Saying that over and over in my head actually causes me to smile. All the tears in my eyes dry up and I tighten my own grip around him.
I wake up sometime later, not realizing I even fell asleep, and Brice is still on the bed with me, sleeping. I look at the clock to see we've been like this for almost five hours. No one else is in here but I do see a small note next to a now cold bowl of covered broth and my orange juice. I reach over, trying not to wake him up, and read that Emi went to dinner with my parents and that they'll all stop by after.
Brice's hair is too tempting not to touch, so I run my fingers through it softly. I can literally feel my heart constrict while I stare at him. I knew I cared about him, I knew I was attracted to him, I knew I wanted him around, I just didn't realize how much I needed him around. I didn't realize how much I cared about him. I didn't realize that it went beyond being attracted to him, but it went all the way to having honest feelings for him.
When he walked out my door, that was my final step. I had handled Harvey leaving me, but Brice leaving me pushed me over the edge that losing Kirt had placed me on. Not having the clarity of why Harvey left made me push away any feelings I could possibly have for someone, but now that I think on it, I think my mind stopped Harvey from coming around because I was falling for Brice.
Of course I couldn't admit my feelings for Brice if I was "dating" someone else. So the more I felt something for Brice, the more the illusion of Harvey faltered, until one day he was gone. It all makes sense. Not that I can fully trust anything my brain tells me, but it seems to be true. It's the only thing that is logic.
All of a sudden everything inside me wants to open up and tell Brice how I feel, but I don't want to scare him anymore than I already have. The need is so great, it's surfacing. I want to shout it out to the roof tops. Instead of doing something so spontaneous and ridiculous, I merely just whisper it. "I love you, Brice." He is still sleeping, so he doesn't hear me, but me saying it out loud, it takes an enormous weight off my shoulders, and I smile a real smile, finally.
When Brice finally does wake up about twenty minutes later, he tells me he has to go home but that he'll be back in the morning. He gives me a kiss on the forehead and stares into my eyes longer than normal, probably making sure this is real. That I'm living and breathing and not leaving him. Then he is gone.
This time I'm peaceful when he leaves, knowing he'll be back.
Emi and my parents show up less than an hour later, after I finish the soup a nurse reheated for me. They all sit around and talk with me. They don't talk like I just tried to kill myself, but like I'm a family member and we haven't spoken in a while. We actually all end up laughing about a few things, and it warms my heart completely. That is, until they leave and my mom starts sobbing and begs me not to do anything so reckless again. She gives me a million kisses and hugs me tight. My Poppa hugs me as well and gives me a kiss on the top of the head, telling me he loves me so much, before they both leave.
I call Meghan and talk to her for a little while. Now that I've spoken more and am able to eat soup and drink more, it's becoming a lot easier to talk. Once in a while my voice wavers and it comes out a bit raspy, but everyone understands what I'm saying.
She tells me a million times that she misses me, she hopes all is well, that she'll see me when I get home tomorrow, and that she is here for me. It's comforting to know that she has become such a good friend to me. She also claims that Gemma is holding my spot for me, and that they temporarily transferred someone to fill in for me until I'm better. The doctor claimed he wants me to take at least three weeks off, get into counseling or at least see Dr. Ross some more, then I get can get back into my normal routine. Yeah, normal, right.
The following morning I call Peggy-Sue, which is Kirt's mom. Colt is there too, so I ended up talking over a half hour to them both. They both cry, tell me they love me and always will. They both claim to miss me greatly and worry about me awful. That, too, warms my heart. I knew I'd hurt people if I succeeded with my suicide, I just hadn't quite realized how much and how many people. My guilt increases but it's outweighed by the love I feel.
Tabby screams and yells at me when I call her. She said she was about to board a plane to come see me, but then tells me she is pregnant and working fifty hours a week at work, and doesn't have the time or energy. She claims that if I need her that desperately, she'll make the flight. I promise her I'll get better, in time, and that if I need her, I'll come down and visit her instead of her pausing her life for me. It's the last thing I need. Emi has already done that enough for me.
The doctor clears me, goes over everything with me once again, and then I'm good to go. Emi brings me back to our apartment, which is littered in flowers all over. She rearranged things, which shocks the heck out of me that anything could be arranged in a different way. It looks nice though, and I'm impressed. She said she did that yesterday with mom and dad, wanting to leave Brice and me alone.
It seems she bought a few new things for decorations as well, and bought new sheets and a comforter. It's much more cheery in here, and that makes me smile. She says she did it because if the home looks happy, I'll naturally be happier.
Over the next two weeks, we get into a good routine. While she is at work, I shower, dress, eat, go for a long walk to get fresh air, do a little reading or writing or watching TV, then I go to my counseling session with Dr. Ross. My sessions are three times a week now. When Emi gets home, we make sure I stay occupied, and before bed, we hug each other and cuddle up in bed together. She tells me she loves me at least twelve times a day, and I repeat it back to her.
Brice comes around, as well as Meghan, neither of them quite as much as I'd really enjoy,
but I know they have lives outside of me, so it's okay. I understand it.
One evening Emi comes out of the bedroom, twirling a hair tie around her fingers nervously, and sits on the couch next to me. "I uh, I'm going on a date tonight, so I called Brice. He is going to come over and keep you company."
I smile at her thoughtfulness. I know it's more for her than me anyways. It's her way of comforting herself, knowing she won't come home to what she did that night. "Okay, that sounds good. Am I going to meet this guy soon? You guys have been dating a few weeks and I've yet to meet him."
She smiles bashfully. "Yeah, I was thinking maybe next weekend, before you head back to work, we could have a little get together here with a few friends. I'd invite Quade over."
Emi had never mentioned the name to the guy she was dating, so when she says it, I feel bad for not asking before now. I don't say it because I can only think of one thing, so I completely ignore everything she just said and blurt out that one thing that comes to mind. I hope I don't sound judgmental. "He isn't some gangster wannabe from the Bronx is he?"
Her eyes widen before she throws her head back in laughter. "Oh God no!" She has to catch her breath and seeing her this happy really makes me smile. She worries her lip and gets embarrassed, or so it seems. "But he is some chocolaty goodness."
I'm honestly not surprised in the least though. I can't help but giggle just a little. "I can totally picture it."
She gushes with excitement. "Really? Good, because he is breathtaking and so sweet. He is twenty four, lives in the Upper West Side, and drives a BMW." She goes on and on, telling me everything about him she can possibly think of. I don't think I've seen her this happy over a guy in such a long time.
Her story ends when a knock sounds at the door. She glances over at the clock in the kitchen. "Oh shoot, I was supposed to have met him ten minutes ago! I guess he better learn now I'm not a person who is ever on time for things. Okay love, I'll see you in the morning."