by Seth Eden
I was struggling to fight back tears as my mom spoke. “Sandro?”
“He loves you so much. I’ve believed for a long time that I ruined you kids’ lives. You turned out okay, but your dad was in prison, and your mother, well…” She gestured to herself. “But when Alessandro started coming around, and I saw the smile on your face, it made me feel like God was giving you back a little bit of what I’d stolen from you. I guess this is my weird way of saying I really like him.”
“Yeah,” the word came out as an airy curiosity. “I don’t know what to say.”
She shook her head. “You don’t have to say anything, sweetheart. You’ve had to fill in the gap I’ve left for too long. Just promise me you’ll never compromise yourself. If you feel it in your gut and in your heart, follow it.”
The conversation was as unexpected as the entire rest of my time in Philly had been. I never quite understood what my parents’ motivation was for getting us into this lifestyle. She’d never mentioned that we used to be poor, certainly not so poor that she didn’t know how we would afford a single loaf of bread. My dad probably felt that pressure as well. It made sense that after all of that, my dad would do anything to protect the people who, in his mind, saved his family. It also explained why my mom became obsessed with money. Had my mom been the best parent in the world? Maybe not, but had she made an honest mistake while trying to make sure we were well cared for?
I wanted black and white, but I only ever got shades of gray.
We shook off all the awkwardness and finished putting together out planters. We layered in nutrient-rich soil and some of the plant food and placed in all of our plants, and watered them, complete with spraying each other playfully.
“Well, this looks like a good time!” My mom and I stopped and looked over, and Molly, of all people, was making her way across the yard. “Sorry, I knocked, but no one answered, and the door was unlocked.”
“Hey, Molly,” my mom greeted.
“Hey, Mrs. Morietti! How was Cabo?”
My mom fanned out her arms. “I certainly got my tan.”
“You sure did.” She walked over to us and then looked at me. “Hey, uh. Are you busy? I mean, busier than this?”
I chuckled. “No. Why? What’s up?”
“Luca feels really terrible about the way he behaved the other day,” Molly explained. “To make it up to you and Alessandro, we’re having a bonfire in the garden. No work, no hot tempers. Just smores, music, and fun. Alessandro will be there, of course, but it’s a surprise. He doesn’t know you’re gonna be there.”
It sounded like a blast. I thought back to the days leading up to Luca’s outburst and how much fun it was to be together, like a family. “Yeah, I’m in.”
“Can you be ready in five?” She held out her hands. “Not that what you’re wearing isn’t beautiful, but it’s soaking wet.”
“Yeah,” I laughed back. “I have a dress. It shouldn’t take me long.”
“Great. I’m parked out front. I’ll see you there.”
I rushed up to my room, feeling the happiest I’d felt in months, maybe even in years. I’d finally made a decision about Alessandro, my mom and I were in a better place, and Philadelphia was turning out not to be so bad after all. I wasn’t sure what was going to pan out with the whole Marco situation, but it wasn’t really any of my concern. It wasn’t that I didn’t care what happened to Marco, but even though I was willing to be with Alessandro despite his reality, I still needed to protect myself and keep myself out of the organization’s line of fire. I certainly hoped that it all brushed over, but all I could do was worry about myself and keeping those around me safe and happy.
I swapped my drenched gardening jeans and t-shirt for a white, frilled dress, the one I’d considered leaving behind when I was first packing for Philly. I could hear Sasha’s voice in my head telling me, “See? I told you you’d need it.”
Right, you were.
I slipped on a pair of my roman sandals, put my hair up into a bun on top of my head, and went and met Molly out front. On the way to the Varassos’ estate, we talked about our lives before the Varasso men. It was cool to hear that Molly had managed to hang onto her own identity, despite being Luca’s wife. I supposed if I could do that as well, things could possibly work out for Alessandro and me.
When we got out of the car at the estate, Molly checked her watch. “We’re a little early. Alessandro’s probably up in his room. Why don’t you go surprise him, and I’ll get Luca and the kids.”
“Okay.”
I made my way up the grand, curved staircase in the estate foyer and down to the left where I knew Alessandro’s room was located. I turned down the hallway and noticed right away that his door was open and the light was off. I peeked inside just in case, but he wasn’t in there. I was going to head back downstairs when I heard a mingle of voices coming from further down the hallway. I walked down, headed for where I knew Angelo’s office was, thinking that Luca had probably taken it over. The polished double doors were shut, and I could hear the voices coming from the inside. I stepped up to the door and lifted my hand to knock, but stopped short.
“Sorry that this took so long. The drop just happened.” It was Alessandro’s voice.
“I think the word’s gotten around that we’re on the lookout,” Luca responded. “Everyone’s being extra cautious. What’d you learn.”
“Horatio Laurell. Twenty-three. One of the runners in the southwest. He’s from California, which I believe is where Marco is, too. He was probably able to confirm what he heard on the app. His wife’s name is Maggie, and he has three kids. Horatio Jr., Lettie, and Julian.”
“Kids’ school?” Luca asked, and my heart dropped. Why did he need to know that?
“Bedford Elementary. My contact tells me his mom drives them from their home on Kross Avenue to the bus stop one block over, and they all ride to school.”
“Any blind spots?” Luca asked.
“Plenty. She just leaves them at the bus stop, and no other kids are picked up at that stop, so no one else is there until the bus arrives. The corner is pretty heavily obscured, too, from the pictures I received. Apparently, on the way back, they have to walk almost a block to get to their house. From what could be discerned, all the houses between the stop and theirs are workers who aren’t home yet when the kids get home. They could be snatched easily.” Alessandro’s voice was so empty of any emotion or concern. Was he really talking about kidnapping innocent children?
“Good,” Luca said. “I want you to do it. I don’t trust a pickup. Gabriel and I will get Horatio. Molly will probably know where to find him.”
“It’s not a problem,” Alessandro responded. Yes, it is. “Willow’s spending the day with her mom tomorrow, so I’ll get them.”
“Excellent.”
My chest got tighter, and I was struggling to breathe. I imagined Alessandro, my Alessandro, jumping out of a car with a mask over his face, shoving innocent children into it. Scaring them for life because of some mistake their father had made. I couldn’t believe it. My throat tightened, and the walls closed in on me. I couldn’t shake the feeling that someone was standing behind me, about to shove me into some room and lock me inside, even though no one was around me. I was shaking, and my vision was blurring.
I need air. I need air. I need air.
I took off running from the doors, down the stairs, and out into the estate’s front yard. It was a long run to get to the gates leading back out onto the road, but I was afraid that if I stopped, I would get captured myself, or worse. All the beautiful memories I had of Alessandro from the past few weeks were going up in smoke. I tried to believe in my spirit that he wasn’t that man, but I was wrong. Tears streamed down my face as I turned and ran out into the street, back toward civilization and away from all the Varassos. I would buy the first ticket out of Pennsylvania and be back in California by sunrise.
My heart was shattered as I said a mental goodbye to Alessandro Varasso.
20
Alessandro
Luca and I exchanged glances.
We didn’t want to do this.
“Isn’t there another way?” I asked. “If we just ask him, maybe he’ll tell us.”
Luca shook his head. “We can’t do this, Alessandro. You can’t do mob shit halfway. We’re either all in, or we’re nothing, and until we figure out how to be nothing, we’re all in.”
I didn’t think I could handle kidnapping some children who had no control over the actions of their father. They would never recover from that kind of fear. I thought about Marco and the bad panic attacks that he would have, and it hurt my heart. I didn’t want to pass that level of trauma onto anyone, let alone children.
“They changed us,” Luca said. “Molly. Willow. Even the kids. How did dad do this shit? How did he remain resolved, even when he knew he had people at home that loved him and wanted him to come home? I mean…” There was a deep pain nested in Luca’s voice. “Did he not love us that much.”
“Dad loved us, but he…he wasn’t an affectionate man.”
I’d seen it for myself, my dad’s human side. It wasn’t there often, and even when it was there, it was muddied by a fog of distant looks and emotionless phrasing. No, my dad didn’t teach us how to ride our bikes, and he didn’t take pictures of us on our prom nights. No, my dad didn’t have the talk with us or congratulate us after a successful first date. He didn’t crack a beer with us on our twenty-first birthdays, or ground us for doing things he disapproved of. He wasn’t a father in the typical sense of the word. Our dad showed his love by screaming at us whenever we were mean to one another and by rolling up hundred-dollar bills and sticking them in barrels of our guns while we were asleep. He analyzed us and pushed us to be better. He wanted us to sit in his seat one day, and he wanted us to surpass him. He wanted people to say, “Angelo Varasso was dangerous, but his boys are a force to be reckoned with.”
Gabriel was walking proof of my dad’s love. He’d cheated on my mom and fathered an illegitimate child, and even though that crushed all of us, most of all, my dad, he still went and got that child and brought him back to our estate. He sat Luca, Marco, and me down and said that blood was blood, it didn’t matter how much of it there was. He was our brother, and he expected us to treat him as such. He was bringing him into the business, too, and Gabriel would learn how to be strong, like us. Even though keeping Gabriel around meant that my mom could never get over the truth that her husband had stepped out on her, dad kept him anyway. He stood up for Gabriel, which was probably why I did the same thing now. My dad loved us, even if it didn’t always seem like it.
Maybe that was why he was the hardened animal that he was. There was no room for wishy-washiness in our life. It was as Luca said. We either needed to do it all the way or not at all, and we didn’t know how to not do it at all. I thought about every major mobster I’d ever heard of. Eventually the lines died out. It wasn’t that the bloodlines stopped, but eventually, the family tree exhausted itself. The ruthless, reckless, cold-blooded nature of the leaders didn’t carry on to their children, and once they were gone, the business dried up. That’s what Luca and I were looking at. We were tired. We had people we cared about more than we cared about the stupid, mobster law that existed around us. Why did it have to be this? Why couldn’t we walk away?
Because of men like Horatio and the Binachis. Marco was why we couldn’t walk away. He’d tried. He’d even tried to do it with all the walls up and his guard as high as it could go. Still, he was probably sitting, staring out his window right now, wondering when the shoe was going to drop. Every time a fork hit the floor in his apartment, he and Kelly were probably jumping sky high. People didn’t just walk away from this life. My dad said that phrase more than he’d said anything in his entire life.
Once you are in, you don’t get out.
I understood now. It wasn’t because you didn’t want to. It wasn’t even because other people didn’t want you to. It was because it was like a one-way cage. Once you went in for the cheese, the only way out was when a superior hand came down to take you out, and it probably wasn’t going to be breathing and walking. Luca could want out. I could want out. Gabriel could want out. It didn’t matter. We were already in the cage, waiting on that superior hand. We didn’t know when it was coming, and we had to hope our families weren’t standing in the way when it showed up.
My dad steeled himself because it was the only option he had. Because the more he loved his kids and the more he loved his wife, the weaker he was. Anytime he ran to pick them up off the ground when they were crying, they grew to believe that maybe there was happiness in the world, and for the Varassos, there wasn’t. There were fleeting moments, veils over the pain that were thick enough to hide the truth but thin enough to break soon after. Willow, Kelly, Amanda, Molly, Anna, and Antonio, they were just veils. My brothers and I had been born with a curse that ran deeper and thicker than the blood that coursed through our veins. We were Angelo Varasso’s sons, and that meant one thing and one thing only—we weren’t getting out.
“I’ll do it,” I said after a long, drawn-out silence. “I’d rather do it than have someone else do it, so I can minimize the damage.”
“Yeah,” Luca agreed. “It’s for Marco, remember? They could get the drop on him any day. We’re behind the ball sorting this out already. Go immediately.”
I nodded. “Yeah, I will.”
I was already thinking of the best way to tell Willow I was going to need to be gone for a few days without telling her what I was going to do. If she knew, that would be it for sure, no questions asked.
There was a knock on Luca’s door, and then the doors slowly opened. Molly peeked her head in. “Is Willow in here?”
I furrowed my brow. “No? Why would Willow be in here?”
“I sent her up to your room to get you. How long have you been in here?” she asked.
“About forty minutes,” Luca replied, then his eyes widened. “Oh, shit.”
“No.” I gagged and felt like I was going to puke. “No, no, no.” I clamored into my pocket to get out my phone and dialed Willow’s number. It went straight to voicemail. I pressed dial again, but it went straight to voicemail again. I lurched, feeling again like bile was going to come up. “How long ago did she get here? What was she doing here?”
Molly’s hands were cupped over her mouth. They slid down her chin and tucked under it. “Luca and I felt bad about what happened before, so we wanted to surprise you with a bonfire with Willow here. I went to get her from her place. We got back a while ago.” Molly shook her head. “What did you say?”
I upheaved, and everything that I’d eaten and drank came spewing out of my mouth.
“Molly, go get water,” Luca said.
I could only see the carpet and what I’d just expelled from my body. A hand found my back and rubbed. My stomach twisted again, sending more bile cascading out of me. There it went. The only thing in my life that made me happy. The only thing in my life that made me feel somewhat human. It was gone. Melting away in a blazing fire, even with me raking into the flames with my bare hands, willing to burn to salvage what I could. Everything my fingers curled around, turned to ash in my hands, and sprinkled back into the flames. I was hot. I was so hot. Sweat trickled down my forehead.
My throat tightened and tightened until it didn’t feel like I could use it as a mechanism for breathing anymore, but when I went to breathe in my nose, the stale, sour smell of my vomit fled up my nostrils, flipping my insides again. I hurled once more, feeling my ribs starting to protest at the repeated motion.
“I’ve gotta go to her,” I murmured.
“You’re not going anywhere—thank you—here.” Luca put a bottle of water under my nose, but I pushed it away with my hand, sending the bottle flying across the room, spraying water everywhere.
I weakly got to my feet and started toward the door. Molly held out a hand to try and stop me, but I dodged around her. Each moveme
nt gave my body an added burst of pain, and even though I was dizzy and my stomach burned, all I could think of was getting to Willow. I was almost to the door when Gabriel walked in. I was already falling forward from my feet when he saw me, and he barely managed to charge in front of me before I hit the ground.
“Whoa! Alessandro, what’s wrong?” he groaned. “Ugh, you stink.”
“Willow,” I grumbled. “I…have to get to…Willow.”
“I’ll bring you,” Gabriel said.
I nodded and tapped his shoulder. “Thank you.”
Gabriel kept me aloft until I finally started to feel like I could walk on my own two feet again. We walked to his car, and I climbed into the passenger’s seat. He hopped into the driver’s seat and started the car, a look of concern on his face.
“Alessandro, what happened? If you think she’s in danger, there are probably guys closer by, and we should call Ricky.”
“Ricky,” I grumbled. “Call Ricky.”
Alessandro used the screen on the center console of his car to navigate to Ricky’s number and call him. The phone trilled a few times, and I was nervous that he wasn’t going to pick up.
“Gabe? What the hell is going on?” Ricky barked. “What did you guys do to Willow?”
“Ricky,” I replied.
“Sandro? What’s going on?” Ricky’s voice was more gruff and angry than I’d ever heard it.
“Is she there? I need to talk to her,” I said.
“It’s Alessandro, he says he wants to—whoa!” A loud crash blasted across the line. “What the fuck is wrong with you? That would have killed me if it had hit me!” There was some shuffling and Ricky started breathing a bit harder. “Yeah, that’s not gonna happen. What did you do?”
“Luca and I were discussing what to do with the mole, and she overheard,” I explained. “She…she heard me agree to kidnap his kids.”