And then I’d bid adieu to war and strife.
The Marquis, too, should listen to my song,
Thy worthy father, and the best of men!
While beef and beer should cheer the peasant throng.
But I will now a moment drop my pen,
And wait the time, for which I so much long,
When, without fail, I’ll take it up agen.
[Vol. I, p. 235]
MRS DE MALTHE: A CHARACTER
MRS DE MALTHE1 was a Lady of very shining qualities, and the finest aristocratic sensations; her noble ambition was to form splendid connections, and to be admitted into the society of the great. To gratify this wise wish, she sacrificed all other considerations. She wrote books, she gave balls and concerts, and she dressed, for no other purpose, but the attainment of this her favourite object. She was fully and properly persuaded that kings can do no wrong,2 and that they were authorized by heaven to massacre and plunder their own subjects, and to desolate the world at their pleasure. She professed herself the most loyal of all human Beings; was a praise-worthy, orthodox believer, yet with religious enthusiasm she would have doomed all men to the flames, who even suffered themselves to doubt on any article of faith which she had adopted. For the majority of mankind, who languish in hovels, and wither away by hard labour, she had little compassion. She thought that they were only sent into the world to pay tithes and taxes, and by their incessant exertions to procure luxuries and amusements for the rich and powerful. To be distinguished as a woman of learning, she had ransacked all the indexes of books of science, and of the classics; her writings and discourse were larded with scraps of Latin and Greek, with far-fetched allusions, and obsolete quotations. Her manners were affectedly easy, and vulgarly refined; she was also more remarkable for her professions of sincerity, than for the sincerity of her professions. In her conversation she was frequently lively and sometimes entertaining, and at all times knew better how to please than to attach. She had confirmed all her old prejudices by travelling, and had acquired new ones, and hated a philosopher as much as she feared the devil.
[Vol. I, pp. 159–61)
A RECOGNITION
The general joy, however, was suddenly dissipated by the Countess, who fell senseless to the floor; delight yielded to surprise, and to the business of assistance. On recovering, the Countess looked wildly around her, and Doctor Philbert took a cup of coffee. This giving the whole company breathing time, Lord Damplin objected to the manœeeuvre, and her Ladyship exclaimed, ‘Was it a vision that I saw, or a reality?’ Every body put on their spectacles, but could not discover any thing extraordinary. ‘It was Mr Bloomville himself, my first husband, his very hair, his features, under a female form; that benign countenance which I have so often contemplated in imagination.’ Her fine eyes still seemed in search of some ideal object, and they began to doubt whether a sudden frenzy had not seized her brain. ‘Ah! again!’ said she, and instantly relapsed, with an engaging motion of her head. Their eyes were now turned towards Arabella, who was bringing a glass of water for the Countess’s parrot, and on her the attention of all present was now centered. She approached, ignorant of what had happened, and her surprise was great, when the Countess, reviving, fixed her eyes mournfully upon her, and asked her to take off her glove. ‘It is, – it is my Arabella! said she, with a strong emotion; ‘I have, indeed, found my long lost child; that strawberry1 on her arm confirms the decision.’ The whole company crowded round them, and Jack Deepley crammed his hankerchief in his mouth. Arabella fell at the feet of her new Mamma, and bathed her hand with tears. ‘Gracious me! for what have I been reserved!’ She could say no more. The Countess raised, and pressed her to her heart. It was upwards of seven minutes and a half, before either of them could speak, and all present were too much affected to interrupt the silence. At length the Countess gazing tenderly upon Arabella said ‘My beloved girl, within these last fifteen months, I have taught myself German.’
[Vol. II, pp. 4–7]
AN ALPHABETICAL PARTY
On account of this happy discovery2 the Countess ordered her house to be thrown open; mirth and festivity resounded through the walls; and the evening closed by a plentiful supper given to all her Ladyship’s tradespeople, who, to promote gaiety, were arranged at a long table in the servant’s hall, in alphabetical order as follows: an attorney, a baker, a cheesemonger, a dustman, an engraver, a fishwoman, a grocer, a haberdasher, an informer, a joiner, a kitchen-maid, a lapidary,3 a mercer, a nightman, an optician, a poulterer, a quack, a reviewer, a silversmith, a taylor, a vintner, an undertaker, a writing-master, an xciseman, a yeoman, and a Zealander, who had emigrated with the Stadtholder from Holland, and was a maker of Dutch tiles.
[Vol. II, pp. 14–5]
A POLITICAL FABLE
The Dream
‘Methought I was thrown upon an island in the Atlantic ocean which was crowded with inhabitants, and the ports of which were full of vessels from all parts of the world. Its surface was covered with abundance, and every countenance I saw denoted chearfulness, prosperity, and content: But after a little time I beheld a band of ruffians possess themselves of all the power of government, and divide amongst themselves the riches of the land. The liberties of the people were speedily annihilated, they were plunged into destructive wars to gratify the selfishness and ambition of their rulers, they were reduced to famine by every species of the basest monopoly, and the honest and industrious poor were consigned to ignomity and treated with contempt. Then the people assembled in great multitudes to complain, and petitioned their oppressors to grant them some relief, but they found none, their just remonstrances were deemed seditious and treasonable, and the men who had thus seized the reigns of authority, published an order forbidding all persons to assemble, or even to murmur; and afterwards a decree was passed that all the tongues of all the complainants should be cut out as a proper punishment for their audacity. When this strong measure was carried into execution, there was a dead silence throughout the nation, and order and tranquility were pretty generally restored. Now methought the name of this stange country was, THE ISLAND OF MUM.
[Vol. II, pp. 99–101]
PRUNING THE DRAMATIS PERSONAE
There is however no accounting for accidents as we all know by fatal experience, for on the third day after the arrival of the party, owing to a copper stew-pan in which some celery had been cooked; every person present was seized with convulsions about eleven o’clock at night, and the following Ladies and Gentlemen departed this life in the course of twenty four hours; Amelia de Gonzales, General Barton, Lady Langley, Major Pemberton, the Marchioness of Oakley, Lord Charles Oakley, Doctor Philberd, Miss War-ley, the two Miss Pebleys, Miss Maleverer, and Sir Sidney Walker. This terrible catastrophe occasioned much bustle throughout the county, and various opinions were formed upon the subject; however, as the coroner’s inquest brought them all in lunatics, so that affair went off with more spirit and decorum than could at first have been imagined. Fortunately none of the great political personages were present at this fatal dinner, otherwise the country at large would have suffered an irreparable loss.
[Vol. II, pp. 110–1]
A VISIT TO MR PITT
As Henry, by the death of the Marchioness of Oakley, was become a man of immense property, with two Boroughs at his command, so the heaven-born minister1 received him with more than his common candour, and presented him with a goblet of sherry and two macaroons. Henry, overcome by such a testimony of regard, and captivated by the condescension of so great a man, politely offered him in return a pinch of snuff, and with pleasing diffidence demanded if THE ACT FOR GENERAL SILENCE was passed. The great Rose assured him it was, and that Lord Grenville, Lord Mansfield, Mr Windham2 and himself were the happiest of men, in spite of the high price of bread, and the encreasing weight of taxes, which he jocularly observed did not affect them. Henry getting more intimate, and more easy in the presence of such sublime personages, earnestly entreated to have a bason of pea soup, but t
his Pitt absolutely refused, because he was under the necessity of going to the house.3
TO THE HEAVENLY
MISS ARABELLA BLOOMVILLE
What proof shall I give of my passion,
Or how shall I struggle with fate?
Arabella! Since cards came in fashion,
You’ve mark’d me an object of hate.
I’d have willingly fought with the devil,
And grateful have been, to be slain,
For I suffer indefinite evil
And warble alone to complain.
Like a madman I scour o’er the vallies,
Unobserv’d like a mite in a cheese,
For ’tis the criterion of malice
To laugh at my efforts to please
Now I snuff the fresh air of the morning,
In a transport of sorrow – because
You treat me with flouting and scorning,
But hold, it is time I should pause.
Endymion
(Vol. II, pp. 30–1]
ELEVATION TO THE PEERAGE
Henry Lambert rushed into the room in a delirium of joy – ‘O my Arabella, my angel, my life! what do you think has happened, the greatest good fortune has come to us, we shall no longer wither in plebeian vulgarity – no my dearest wife – we are now noble – my uncle the Earl of Frolicfun is dead, he is upon my soul, and I inherit the ancient barony of the family – I am now, my Lord, and you are, your Ladyship – we shall have a coronet in our coach, and we shall have precedence, O what a glorious advantage it is to be a Lord, to fit in the House of Peers in one’s robes, and to make fine speeches, and to be called the Nubble Lud – I think I shall run mad with pleasure.’1
[Vol. II, p. 213]
AN HUMBLE ADDRESS TO THE DOERS
OF THAT EXCELLENT AND IMPARTIAL REVIEW, CALLED
THE BRITISH CRITIC2
Ladies and Gentlemen,
As I am well assured that your invaluable criticisms on the various literary productions of the present day, proceed from the joint labours of many ingenious men, and respectable old women, so I feel myself deeply interested in your decision on the merits of the foregoing work. It is therefore my most ardent wish to deprecate your vengeance, it is my most anxious hope to obtain your praise.
O do not break a fly upon a wheel!
But surely I shall not be deemed too vain, or unpardonably presumptuous, when I express a lively confidence in your approbation of this my first essay as a novelist – I am certain I have spared no pains in the composition, and I have carefully avoided all those allusions and remarks which might tend to produce an overflow of your bile, or excite your laudable indignation. As I well know your noble natures never can forgive those scandalous sentiments of obsolete liberty, which our ridiculous ancestors were so eager to disseminate, but which all moderate, honorable, and enlightened persons now hold in just execration and contempt; so my principal care has been to keep clear of all such objects, as could give the slightest umbrage to your ingenuous minds, and extensive understandings. You also may conclude, that as far as silence gives consent, I perfectly approve of the two restraining bills 1 which have lately passed into laws, that I am a decided enemy to all improvement in political science, and wish to hear in the course of the ensuing campaign, that the British grenadiers shall have marched triumphantly into Paris.2
Do me the favor to erect your magnificent ears with attention while I recite to you a fable that shall fascinate you.
A screech Owl, an Ass, a Peacock, and a Boar, formed themselves into a critical Junto to decide upon the harmony of the groves, and the modulations of the forest. The roaring of the Lion was voted nem. con. to be bombast, the neighing of the Horse vapid and jejune, the song of the Nightingale miserable affectation, and the notes of the Linnet, the Goldfinch, and the Lark, namby-pamby nonsense. In short, they unanimously agreed that, (not including themselves) no living creature possessed any genius, musical powers, or natural melody, but THE MULE; his voice and abilities, therefore, they candidly acknowledged to be capital. These four animals now endeavoured to convince all the beasts and birds that their decision was a just one, and that in consequence, the mule ought to be the hero of the day.
With your permission ‘most potent, grave, and reverend Signors!’ I will defer the moral, and the application, to some more favorable opportunity.
But to lay aside all levity, it is impossible to deny that you waste your midnight oil, to save the present race from the horrors of licentiousness and the encroachments of philosophy, and when it is considered that
The evil which men do, lives after them:
The good oft lies interred with their bones.
Your disinterestedness must be most striking, for posterity, perhaps, may not pay to the pious memories of you or your employers, those honours which you have so assiduously struggled to deserve. You will, however, during your lives, find sufficient consolation from the idea, that you have supported to the best of your abilities, the good cause of GENERAL RESTRAINT and that you have laboured in your vocation with unabated ardor. If indeed the reflections of the fallen Adam should occasionally cross your minds, who on contemplating the miseries he had prepared for his descendants exclaimed,
Who of all ages to succeed, but feeling
The evil on him brought by me, shall curse
My head, ill fare our ancestor impure
For this we may thank Adam.
Yet a proper sense of the immediate good enjoyed, must stiffle every sensation of remorse, while you rank in public opinion with the PITTS, the WINDHAMS, the DUNDASSES, the GRENVILLES, and the REEVESES of the day.
Go on then great and generous arbitrators of national taste! in your glorious and splendid career, direct the thunderbolts of your rage at the heads of those infamous and audacious libellers, who degrade literature by their free discussions, and philosophical remonstrances; and who even in–sult religion by their pernicious doctrines of toleration. Be it yours ‘to stand in the gap’ between error and truth, between vice and virtue, be it yours to shake a flaming scourge, and to chastize those literary monsters who dare to push their researches beyond the sacred line of demarcation you have drawn.
To your virtues, liberality, and candour, the whole nation can bear testimony, for I defy the most impudent of your detractors to shew a single instance amongst all your writings, where you have spoken favorably of any work that was base enough to vindicate the hoggish herd of the people, that was mean enough to object to any measures of the present wise and incorruptible administration, or that was cowardly enough to censure the just and necessary war in which the nation is no so fortunately engaged. No, ye worthy magistrates of the mind! you have exerted your civil jurisdiction with meritorious perseverance, and if at any time you have stepped forth as warriors to defend the exclusive privileges of the FEW, against the vulgar attacks of the MANY, your demeanour has been truly gallant, you have thrown your lances with a grace, becoming the most renowned knights of chivalry, and have hurled your anathemas1 at the murmuring multitude with a dignified fury that would have done honour to Peter the Hermit,2 or to the chief of the Holy Inquisition.
Owing to your animated exertions, and the vigorous measures of your patrons, you may soon hope to see the happy inhabitants of this prosperous island express but one opinion, and act with one accord, the rich and the powerful shall be tranquilly triumphant, the low and the wretched patiently submissive, great men shall eat white bread in peace, and the poor feed on barley cakes in silence. Every person in the kingdom shall acknowledge the blessings of a strong regular government; while the absurd doctrine of the Rights of Man, shall be no more thought of, or respected, than the rights of horses, asses, dogs, and dromedaries.
That your enemies may speedily be cast into dungeons, or sent to Botany Bay,1 and that yourselves may become placemen, pensioners, peeresses, loan-mongers, bishops and contractors, is the constant wish and earnest prayer of,
Ladies and Gentlemen,
Your devoted hum
ble servant,
HARRIET MARLOW
[Vol. II, pp. 217–32]
SATIRES
III
From Azemia, a Description or Sentimental Novel, by J. A. M. Jenks [i.e. William Beckford], 2 Vols, London, 1797. The extracts are given the volume number and page reference.
AZEMIA
ANOTHER BLUE-BEARD!
An authentic history well known in Lincolnshir
In the year 1709, the manorhouse of Marsh Barton was inhabited by a gentleman of the name of Grimshaw, who possessed, besides that estate, other considerable property in this and the next county. He was a man of violent temper, and rough harsh manners, but his money made him to be feared; yet he was a very covetous, and kept but few servants for one of his estates. His mother lived to a good old age in the house with him, but, being bed-ridden, knew nothing of what passed in his house more than he pleased to tell her; so that his marriage with a pretty young woman, named Mrs Anne Lilburne, was kept a secret from her, under pretence that she would be displeased thereat, inasmuch as Mrs Anne, being the daughter of an officer killed in Spain a few years before, had no portion but her beauty. The old lady at last died; but after that the ’Squire seemed no more desirous of shewing his wife than he was before, so that hardly any of the neighbours or tenants that used to go to the house knew her by sight; and none but a woman servant, of no good repute, that had lived with Mr Grimshaw before he was married, was allowed to be about her although it was often given out that she was sickly and ailing.
Strange suspicions were sometimes harboured by the people of the country, for Mr Grimshaw led an odd sort of life. Sometimes he was gone away for a great many weeks together, none knew whither; and at other times he brought home with him, and generally in the middle of the night, certain strangers, who, if by chance they were seen seemed to the neighbours to be suspicious persons. They sat up, it was said, late, and sometimes all night long, drinking hard, and were always waited upon by that woman servant that was in her master’s confidence. As to the poor young lady, she was less and less heard of and nobody dared to say what they thought; for all the parish belonged to the ’Squire, and he would have ruined any body that had talked against him; for he was vindictive and revengeful, and had put some poor men to prison that had offended him about the game, and others had been obliged to quit the country on his account. The then rector of the parish was of a quiet and somewhat indolent temper, and the fierce and violent lord of the manor was not one with whom he chose to contend.
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