by C. S. Won
Jae leaned back in his chair and blew out a stream of warm air. Gabe was right. It was out of his hands now, and sooner or later, he would have to learn how to accept that. What other choice did he have? He didn’t know how to stitch Adam back together. He wished he did, but that was the doctor’s job now. All he could do at this point was learn how to cope with the aftermath, a battle he knew would take months, maybe even years, to overcome.
“Go on, get out of here. You don’t need to see this,” Gabe said.
Jae stood up and looked over at Adam’s mangled body, watching breath fog the oxygen mask, listening to the machine that tracked Adam’s heartbeat. He felt a knot tighten in his throat and swallowed it down. Gabe rose from his chair and placed a hand on Jae’s shoulder.
“You’ll look after him?” Jae asked.
“Of course.” Gabe said.
“If anything happens, good or bad, let me know.”
“You’ll be the first one I call.”
Chapter 9
Jae ran a hand through his hair, which was soaked to the roots in sweat and tussled in a messy arrangement. He breathed out slowly. Madeline leaned over him, smiling into his face, and kissed him, gently at first and then with enthusiasm. She pulled away giggling, cheeks blushed with a red heat, and settled next to him with a sigh. Her nose nuzzled against his neck, and she placed a hand on his chest, drawing little circles with her finger like she was painting an abstract on the canvas of his torso.
“That was divine,” he said.
“I aim to please,” she said.
Soft laughter echoed between them. Jae slipped an arm around Madeline and brought her closer, the knobs of her ribs pressing warm and hard against his fingertips. She cooed as she scooted closer, draping a warm leg over his thighs, scratching his shins with a wiggle of her toes. She smelled of honey mixed with the exhaustive scent of passion, a fragrance so sweet it made his blood rise again, little by little.
He looked to the window. Outside, the world spoke to him with those familiar night sounds. He closed his eyes, listening to them sing—a frog croaking in the distance, an owl hooting in the trees above, crickets chirping in the grass, a breeze whistling as it passed by. A dog added its voice to the chorus, barking unseen in the darkness. Others soon joined him, hounds baying over one another as if involved in some sort of rabble. Jae opened his eyes and looked at the darkened sky. The heavens stretched across the horizon like a giant black sea, clean and clear with nary a stray cloud to stain the night. Drifting in that vast expanse, as if someone had punched a hole into the sky, was the full moon. Big and fat and pockmarked with craters and scars, the moon sat amongst an excess of twinkling stars that pricked the darkness like fiery little kisses.
A beautiful night, he thought.
But even with all the splendor of the world to gaze upon, even with Madeline’s naked body pressed up against him, all he could think about was Adam, whose warped visage stormed into Jae’s head like it owned the place. Bloodied, burning flesh manifested itself in clear view, as if the memories were an integral part of who Jae was. Adam demanded that he be the dominant node of thought in Jae’s head, mocking, torturing, and screaming out for attention, unwilling to relent.
Look at me . . .
You did this . . .
You scarred me . . .
You destroyed my life . . .
You call yourself a firefighter . . . ?
You couldn’t even save me . . .
Jae wiped the sweat off his brow. His failure was to be a living nightmare, haunting him till the end of his days.
“Is everything okay?” The sound of Madeline’s voice stifled the curses streaming from Adam’s tongue, rendering them as stinging whispers rather than bludgeoning screams. Jae looked at her, blinking.
“What?” He asked.
“Is everything okay? You were breathing really hard, and your heart was racing.”
“Yeah . . . yeah, everything is fine.”
“No, it’s not. Tell me what’s wrong.”
“Nothing is wrong.” Jae waved a hand in the air, shooing away her line of questioning. She frowned at him. He forced a smile. “The night is beautiful and I have a gorgeous woman lying next to me. Trust me when I say that everything is okay.”
“You’re a terrible liar.” Madeline propped herself up on an elbow. “Except the gorgeous woman part, that part is true. Now talk to me; tell me what’s wrong.”
He frowned in the darkness.
“Don’t shut me out.” She placed a hand on Jae’s cheek, rubbing it gently. “You know I’m here for you. You can tell me anything.”
“Honey . . .” He let the sentence hang there, unsure of what to say next. She removed her hand from his face, resting it against her side. They sat in prolonged silence, uncertainty building in the space between them.
“Did I do something to make you angry?” She asked.
He looked at her. “No. Why would you say that?”
“Then why was it so difficult to reach you these past two weeks?”
“Things were messed up, Mad. I just wasn’t in the right frame of mind.”
“I understand why you had to stay at the hospital. It makes perfect sense, but that’s not what’s bothering me. It’s the why you weren’t communicating with me that has me bothered. The few times we did talk, you seemed so cold and distant, even a little angry, and I couldn’t help but feel that maybe I did something to offend or hurt you. Was I just imagining it, or was the hostility real?”
“Mad, it’s not what you think. I—”
“I know how difficult things have been, and that’s why I wanted to help. I was desperate to help, but every time I tried to touch base with you, you would just shut me out. You wouldn’t let me in. I’m sorry if I sound a little selfish, and I don’t mean it to sound that way, but all I wanted was to know that you were doing okay. You refused to give me even that.”
The moon’s light caressed the soft curves of her body, giving her an ethereal appearance. Thin, silver shafts danced across the lines of her face, curving around her lips, streaking across her nose, illuminating one eye but leaving the other shrouded in shadow. Her knees were drawn close to her body, left arm resting easy over her ankles. Red hair ran down the length of her body in waves and curls, hugging the outline of her shoulders as if it were a cloak. The blanket draped loosely around her chest did little to conceal her form, with one moon-kissed breast peeking out as she leaned on her other arm.
Jae sat up, leaning his back against the bedpost. “You did nothing wrong, Madeline. The past two weeks falls squarely on me and only me. What happened to Adam . . . it really screwed me up. I couldn’t cope, and as a result, I shut everyone out. Including those I love. I don’t know why it happened, a defense mechanism, maybe. I don’t know, but being isolated seemed to help me deal with what happened. I’m not quite there yet, far from it, but I needed the time to think and reflect.” He looked at her. “It wasn’t my intention to worry you. I should have made an effort to come home more often or give you more frequent updates. That’s my failure, not yours. It won’t happen again. I promise.” He raised a hand, as if swearing a solemn oath.
“I believe you.” She sighed and moved closer, wrapping an arm around him. “Just don’t worry me like that again, okay? I was sick with concern.” She leaned over and rested her head on his shoulder. “How is Adam, by the way? Will he be okay?”
Even now, Jae could still smell Adam burning, as strong and pungent as the first day it actually happened. It would stay with Jae till the end of his days, like a shadow attached to his heels.
“Honey?” She shifted closer. “Do you not want to talk about it?”
Back at the station, on-call counseling was available for those who wanted it, and he knew a few who had opted for a session or two. Many reported good things from their meetings and seemed better off for it; although, he wondered whether that was due to the drugs they were prescribed or the little chats they had scheduled. Either way, the thought
that he should see a counselor never crossed his mind because he always fancied himself as a person who had no need to talk about his feelings. He figured he was made of firmer stuff than that. He figured he was a man who balked at the mere notion of talking about his emotional state, but after what transpired in apartment complex thirteen, he knew he wasn’t. Not anymore. Now, he wanted to talk—he needed to talk, because he knew doing so could lift some of the weight off his shoulders. It was just a matter of crossing that bridge and beginning the dialogue.
He took in a deep breath, letting it sit in his chest. After a moment or two, he blew it out, slow and steady. Madeline looked at him, waiting, patient, expectant.
“Adam blames me for what happened,” he said.
She blinked at that. He could see her contemplating the statement. “Why would he blame you?” She asked.
“He thinks I pushed him into that collapsing ceiling on purpose.”
“How would he even know? I thought he was unconscious?”
“When I was trying to free him, he briefly came back to me, just long enough for him to blame me for what happened.” Jae shook his head. “It was madness. Things happened so quickly.”
“What do you remember?”
“The only thing I can remember is that we were arguing—about what, I don’t even remember anymore—and then the next thing I know there was a breach and Adam is trapped underneath it. I remember reaching forward to push him away before any of that happened, but . . . shit. Sometimes I wonder if he was right; maybe I really did push him into it, and I just didn’t realize it at the time.”
“He was just angry and confused. When he wakes up, he’ll realize what you did for him and thank you.”
“I don’t think he’ll ever thank me. When he wakes up and realizes his condition, he’ll hate me even more than he already does. I blame myself. I really am responsible.”
“No, you’re not. Don’t say that.”
“We shouldn’t have been arguing in the first place. I should have just grabbed him and dragged him out of there, but I let him cajole me into a heated quarrel right in the middle of an apartment fire, and now he’s suffering because of my lack of action and leadership.”
“That doesn’t make you responsible. Not in the slightest bit. What happened to Adam is . . . I don’t want to say it was his fault, but it’s unfair that you have to bear the brunt of everything that happened.”
“Do you remember the fire that killed my mother?”
Taken aback by the question, Madeline’s eyes went wide as she shifted in her sheets. She quickly recomposed herself, clearing her throat. “Yes . . . yes, of course.”
Jae closed his eyes. An image of his mother appeared in the darkness, a big smile etched across her face—the same type of smile she wore while the fire ravaged her. But here, she wasn’t wreathed in flames but rather by sunlight, with a summer wind whisking through her hair. For a moment, he could almost feel her warmth, like she was pulling him in for a hug. He opened his eyes.
“When I saw Adam trapped underneath all that debris, the only thing I could think of was my mother trapped underneath several hundred pounds of burning rubble herself. It was like I was looking back in time. I was nine-years-old again, on my hands and knees, lungs filled with smoke and eyes wet with tears, trying to free my mother with whatever desperate strength I had left before she could be taken by the fire.” He heard her telling him to run before it was too late. “But I was too weak, too useless, and too incapable of changing her fate. She died, and there was nothing I could do about it. That moment has haunted me every day of my life.”
“So, when I saw Adam buried underneath all that rubble, there was no way I was going to flee, not this time,” he continued. “I saw a second chance—a second chance to make things right, a second chance to make amends for a past sin. There was no way I was going to let another person die, not if I could help it. I was determined to do the right thing, and at that point, I didn’t care if it cost me my own life. So, I stayed in that hellfire and I pulled and pulled and pulled until my hands were raw and bloody.”
He rubbed his hands together. Most of the skin had already healed. A few small scars and scabs were all that was left behind for his effort. He picked at an open blister in his left palm. “When I finally freed him, I was relieved. I was beyond myself, in fact. I thought I had finally exorcised the demons that haunted me since my mother died. I had finally proven to myself that I was capable, that I wasn’t this pitiful, weak thing that couldn’t save his own damn mother. But then I caught a glimpse of my handiwork, and I was horrified. Adam was just a burnt shell of a man, his skin seared through to a crisp. I could hear his body rattling as he choked in breath after breath. It was like he was drowning and couldn’t surface for air. He was burning and melting all at once, looking less and less human as the seconds passed.” Jae looked at his hands and noticed they were shaking. He balled them into fists. The trembling continued. “I couldn’t believe he was still alive. As I saw the EMTs working on him and rushing him toward the ambulance, I couldn’t help but ask myself, ‘did I really do the right thing?’”
“Of course you did. You saved his life.” Madeline placed a hand over his trembling fists, wrapping her fingers tight around his knuckles. “There’s no question you did the right thing.”
“But you didn’t see him, Mad, the way he looked, the way he felt, the way he smelled. He’s going to wake in pain, and he’ll always be in pain until the day he dies. He’s going to live a tortured life for the rest of his days, no thanks to me.”
“There’s nothing more heroic than what you did. You did what you could, and that’s all we could ask of you. You have nothing to be ashamed of.”
He shook his head. “There had to be something else that I could have done, something more. There had to be a better way.” He exhaled, suddenly weary. “Sometimes, I can’t help but wonder if leaving him would have been the better option. At least that way I could spare him the trouble of living life in crippling pain.”
“If you had given up halfway through your rescue and left him, then Adam would have died in that fire and you would come to regret that decision even more. You knew that, so that’s why you stayed and saved him, because the alternative wasn’t acceptable to you. Your way was the better way; don’t ever try to convince yourself otherwise.” Madeline reached over and brushed the hair away from his brow, pulling it back from his eyes. “I understand why you feel the way you do. It’s perfectly normal. I see it all the time and I deal with it all the time. There are so many doctors and nurses who thought they could have done more to save a patient. Just like them, all you need is time—time to accept, to cope, and to heal.” She leaned over and kissed him, lips warm with affection. “It won’t be easy, but know that I’m here for you, always. No matter what. We’ll get through this together. You don’t have to burden this pain alone.” She kissed him again. “I’m proud of you, and nothing will ever change that.”
Jae closed his eyes and nodded slowly. Madeline’s words filled him with assurance. But would it last? He shook his head. Maybe, maybe not. But even if it didn’t last, knowing that he had a network of people who were ready to prop him up and support him filled him with a nascent optimism. This was an ordeal he knew he couldn’t deal with on his own, and realizing that he had the infrastructure in place to help pick himself back up made him confident that he could get through this, eventually.
He turned to look at Madeline, still moonlit in silver. She expressed worry, concern, and love all at once—lips frowning in a slight curve, eyebrows pressed deep over the lids of her eyes. He folded her hands into his, raised them, and kissed her knuckles.
“What are you doing tomorrow?” He asked.
“I have the day off.”
“I heard it’s going to be beautiful tomorrow. Why don’t we go to the park?”
Chapter 10
Thunder rumbled in the distance.
Jae sat up, craning his neck toward the sky. Sour orang
e seeped in from the edges of the horizon to wash away the fading afternoon blue. The sun was vanishing beyond the rim of the earth. Even as it dipped over the periphery, the sun still did its part to make sure the ground it lorded over was nice and hot. No grey clouds bruised the sky. There was no palpable increase in atmospheric pressure, no hint of impending rain. Jae cupped his hands over his eyes, blocking the sun’s rays as he scanned the distance. Nothing.
Madeline poked him in the arm. He turned to face her.
“Hey,” he said.
“Hey, you. What are you looking at?” She asked.
He scratched his head. “I was just curious to see where that thunder was coming from.”
“Thunder?” She looked around, red hair flitting back and forth. “I didn’t hear any thunder.”
“Really? You didn’t hear anything?”
“No . . . well, maybe I did.” She shrugged. “I figured it was just construction down the block or something. I don’t know.”
“Sounded like thunder to me.”
“Are you hearing things again, Jae?”
“My hearing is getting a little bad, I admit.”
“Growing old so soon? What’s next, you’ll need a cane to help you walk?” She chuckled. “Anyways, finish your story. Tell me what happens next.”
“Story?”
“Yes, silly, you were regaling me with a fantastic story before you were rudely interrupted by your bad hearing.”
“Story . . . oh, yeah.” Jae scratched his chin. “Where was I, again?”
“At the part where Gabe was rescuing a cat from a tree for an old lady.”
“Cat from a tree . . .”
“Remember? You said an old lady called 9-1-1 because her cat was stuck in a tree, and your crew was tasked with the rescue mission.”
“Ah, that’s right.” He squeezed his hands together and cleared his throat. “So, after Gabe rescued the cat, the old lady wanted to show her gratitude by giving him a gift. I thought she was going to give him money or something, but instead she bends down and shoves her hands underneath her dress. At that moment I was thinking to myself, ‘what the hell is she doing?’ Then in one quick motion, she pulls her hands out and hanging between two pinched fingers were her panties. They were so wide you could have used them as a hammock. All of us busted out laughing except for Gabe, who just stood there with this stunned look on his face, and she tells him, ‘you should consider yourself lucky, handsome. I’m usually not this forward with men.’ She then scribbles her phone number on the panties, pushes them into his hands, and before he could say or do anything, plants this fat, wet kiss on his lips.”