by Justin Coke
They picked another target; his life bar gyrated up and down as the healers threw their biggest healing spells while the enemy players lined up their biggest attacks. The chevalier fell, and a berserker charged into the hole and launched a spinning attack that clipped Mad Hatter. Hayes didn’t have time to react and could only watch in the freeze frame depression of that moment when your team gives up a walk-off home run.
“Fuuuck, I was almost there,” Mad Hatter said. “Ten more seconds, tops. Shit.”
Morale broken. People stopped protecting Mad Hatter and started worrying about getting away—not because they had an illusions on that front. They knew they were going to die. They ran so when they resurrected they’d have time to get a summons before being found by the enemy players that would enjoy their victory by running down their routed foes.
Rabaul died where he stood, too stunned by the loss to be concerned with the future. Teabagz had won again. The closeness of victory made defeat taste even worse.
Chapter Twenty-Five
They gathered in Marconi after everyone had been summoned out. Quartermain, Mad Hatter, Kid Twist, Tick Tock, and Hayes.
Hayes got a PM from Mad Hatter.
Mad Hatter: Remember... QMain is not aware of Thrill Kill.
Hayes: At this point, he might as well. But fine.
Mad Hatter: Great.
“So,” Quartermain said. “How the hell did they get that many people that fast?”
“They knew we were coming,” Mad Hatter said.
“Why’d they wait until the last minute?” Hayes said.
“It hurts more to almost have it,” Kid Twist said. “And also, we’re assuming they know how good Mad Hatter is at lock picking; I doubt that.”
“Seems risky,” Tick Tock said.
“Only if you actually put something in the vault,” Kid Twist said. “I’m afraid we were had from the start.”
“I agree with Louie,” Quartermain said. Hayes was confused for a minute; then remember that Quartermain knew Kid Twist as Cyclone Louie.
“So we can’t use Sir Digby,” Mad Hatter said. “My question is, why the show? What did they gain by even pretending there was something in the vault?”
“Well, they get to know who wants to attack them, at least. Fun, there’s also that,” Kid Twist said. “I don’t know that we’re in position to criticize people for doing things that don’t make sense.”
“Were all those people part of Squid Pistol or whatever?” Tick Tock said.
“No,” Quartermain and Mad Hatter said simultaneously.
“Uh, half of them were from MotherFrakers, that’s a legit guild. The rest were from the Raging Taints. Those guys are suspect.”
“The ones across from Teabagz,” Tick Tock said.
“So they’re the real operators?”
“Looks like it.”
“So what now?”
“We blew our shot at the vault, that’s that. They won’t use it again.”
“If they were willing to give the vault up then they would have just given the vault up,” Hayes said.
“Not necessarily.”
“Teabagz might have set it up for the sake of fucking with us, fine. But Teabagz isn’t running that show. He’s ... there for reasons we can’t fathom, but we all agree he’s subservient to someone else,” Hayes said.
“Yeah,” Mad Hatter said, “I guess so.”
“So it’s whoever is in charge that decided to attack us instead of just dropping it. They want to keep the vault. Maybe he thinks that kicking our ass will make us drop it. Maybe they’ll just keep Teabagz off that job and do it with accounts we aren’t watching and change up the times.”
“He’s pretty right,” Quartermain said. “I’m ready to drop it.”
“I want to keep up the surveillance, see what they do. People don’t like changing how they do things.”
“Okay, so say they keep using the vault. Do we just bring more people?” Tick Tock said.
“I don’t know yet,” Kid Twist said. “Let’s see what they do next. For now, let’s lie low and let them think we learned our lesson.”
Hayes gagged at those words, but he couldn’t think of a better plan, and he was afraid that if he pushed it too hard Kid Twist would switch votes to Leave, so he didn’t protest.
Chapter Twenty-Six
Mad Hatter cornered Hayes after everyone else had left.
“You aren’t getting soft, are you?” Mad Hatter said.
“I still want to get him,” Hayes said, and he meant it. But the size of the project weighed on him; it exhausted him before he even began. He felt lost.
“Fuck all this waiting shit,” Mad Hatter said.
“What do we do?”
“Let’s go, like, burn something down. I don’t fucking know.”
“What’s he doing with the war?”
“War’s all but over. Basically Squalid will let everyone keep their winnings in exchange for peace.”
“Really? That seems ... nice of them.”
“I think they’re thinking something along the lines of ‘when the expansion comes out, we’ll use the fact that they’re both overextended in the old world to take over the new world.’”
“Would that work?”
“No. They aren’t taking into account that the expansion will bring back old players and a bunch of new ones. The new ones especially will not be looking to play a giant pile of melted hulk toys. Proportionally, Squalid will probably be at the weakest they’ve ever been. I don’t think they’ll be in a position to make a power play. But that’s the only reason I can see for them to agree to peace; unless they really are so weak they can’t hold any more than what they have.”[90]“But the peace isn’t done yet?”
“No, it’s not official.”
“Huh,” Hayes said. “What if we restarted the war?”
“What good would that do?”
“Dunno.”
“I’m starting to wonder if your alignment isn’t chaotic neutral.”
“I never played D&D,” Hayes said.
“How’d you know that was a D&D reference then?”
“I don’t know. Anyway. Just get some people and attack somewhere.”
“I don’t think it’ll work.”
“Why not?”
“The thing that nobody says out loud is that the elite guilds are the elite guilds for a reason. Those guys live Mundis and they’re usually pretty good at it.”
“So?”
“The elite guilds have all swapped properties around. Even Quartermain got in on that deal even though he’s like the Che Guevara of Palladium now, because that’s how you hold territory. You build a consensus among the reliable people that a place has to be defended. If the hoi polloi could pay attention, they’d be elite. But they have the attention spans of fruit flies. You can’t rely on them for shit. They’re back to grinding gear in Imperius; they’re done with city sieges,” Mad Hatter said.
“There has to be enough left to cause some trouble.”
“Attacking a city requires coordination and patience. A totally PUG siege group would be a total disaster. I mean, could we run around the country setting wheat fields on fire until we got run down? Absolutely. But cities? No.”
“So we can’t do that.”
“I think we’d just be handing Teabagz another chance to embarrass us, to be honest.”
“We can’t no-curse him, we can’t get to the vault, the war is over. I’m out of ideas.”
“Well, there is character assassination.”
“He committed character suicide ages ago.”
“Well, yeah, okay.”
“So what? What can you do to a guy like that?”
There was a long silence, as they each stared at the ceiling, trying to think of something.
“Want to do some arenas?” Mad Hatter finally said.
Rogue/Warlock was a crap combination, but they did alright, climbing up to 1800. For such a garbage combination, that was actually pretty
respectable.
“Ohh ho,” Mad Hatter said. “What is this?”
“What,” Hayes said, yawning. He should have gone to sleep three hours ago.
“Swedish Murder Machine won the Imperius Lottery,” Mad Hatter said.[91]“Uh, what does that mean?”
“Teabagz’s new guild? Remember? They’re going to be in Imperium securing the path to the Final Door.”
“So?”
“He walks in there, which he will. If he wants to stay in the guild, he’ll have to help out. No Gravediggers in there.”
“We can’t get to their section.”
“Well, not, you know, legally, no. Are you willing to get your Palladium account, and possibly all accounts owned in your name, permanently banned to get to Teabagz?”
“No, but I am willing to buy a cheap Palladium account and pay for it with a prepaid debit card.”
“Oooh, slick. Yep, yep, good plan. I like.”
“What’s the plan?”
“Doom Lord Kazzak does Stormwind.”
“Is this from that Star Trek episode? Like, Darmok and Jalad at Tanagra?”
Mad Hatter paused to think.
“Yes, actually, it is,” he said. “Now listen and learn the ancient lore of your nerdcestors. Also, Google Doom Lord Kazzak. It’s on YouTube.”
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Hayes bought a cheap, shabbily geared Berserker for 50% off.[92] He took his laptop to a Starbucks and logged into Mundis. He then took Tigolebiddies, as the Berserker was called, to the Palladium entrance to Imperius Rex. Swedish Murder Machine had cleared the second of five segments to the Final Door and was preparing for the third.[93] Teabagz was inside Imperius, most likely in the second segment helping fend off the waves sent at random times to make sure nobody was asleep on guard duty. “Okay, I’m here with Teabagz,” Mad Hatter said.
“You joined Swedish Murder Machine?”
“No, but they don’t mind people taking a shift at guard duty,” Mad Hatter said. “It’s usually just tedious trash mobs. They just make the factory seconds and like five of the competent officers handle it.”
“Factory seconds?”
“The players who aren’t really good, but, like, aren’t bad enough to kick out. They’re like 60% of any guild.”
“Really? I don’t think CSI is like that.”
“No, CSI is a bunch of lunatics. They kick you out if you don’t log in for a week. If you take more than two weeks, you’d better have a medical condition! I heard they kicked some girl out because she had a kid and didn’t want to raid for a month. You ever have a kid? I haven’t, but I know enough to know that’s an asshole move.”
“I hadn’t heard that. But yeah, they do have an attendance policy.”
“If you weren’t crazier than them, that would seem crazy. I mean, I basically live this game, but I’ll be fucked by a thousand rusty nails before I’ll ask permission to take a break. It’s the principle.”
“Kid Twist doesn’t do anything but he never gets kicked out. But he should.”
“KT is like, I don’t know, the George Washington of CSI. They just can’t kick him out.”
“How’d we end up talking about this?”
“You didn’t know what factory seconds were.”
“Oh, right. So what do I do now?”
“You got the program?”
“I did,” Hayes said, booting up the program that would take control of his character.
“You loaded the script I gave you?”
“I did.”
“Execute it.”
He pressed a button, and Tigolebiddies leapt out of his control and started twitching furiously as it ran at the rocks at strange, non-Euclidean angles. His perspective began to flash to black, then white, then black, and then finally he was in a void. The world had become wireframe over black, and he was inside the wall.
“Whoa, this is making my eyes hurt,” Hayes said.
“Great, so it worked,” Mad Hatter said.
“Yeah, think so.”
“You’ve fallen into the world. Now, you’re on the ceiling. Have the other script ready, but do not, I repeat do not, activate it or you will be fuuuucked.”
“Okay, okay.”
“Let me get on my other account real quick like,” Mad Hatter said. “We’ll be needing a warlock.”
“Roger.”
Hayes got an invite from Mad Hatter’s warlock, which he accepted.
“Super. Now, go north until you hit 67.9, 98.5 on the map.”
He ran through the void, and as he went he saw more and more wire-framed monsters. Some of them seemed to be leaping at him.
“I’m getting attention.”
“Great. You there?”
“Yes.”
“East to 69.”
“Done.”
“South to 97.”
“I’m confused.”
“Picking up all the good monsters. The interior map of Imperius is well documented, as well as the most likely spawn points for the bosses. We probably just picked up Galaxa the Strumpet. Very mean seduction game.”[94]
“Galaxa the Strumpet?” Hayes said, incredulous.
“Look, I didn’t name the chick,” Mad Hatter said. “I’m not responsible for the fact the game designers have the sexual maturity of preteens.”
“Where to now?”
“Nor-northeast to 74, 103.”
“Who’s there? The Blowjob Twins? Also, what does nor-northeast mean?”
“Like I said, I didn’t make the game, I just refuse to demand better. I’m taking you to the third segment gate now. It means like mostly north but a little east too.”
“Why?”
“That’s just what they call it.”
“I mean, why take me to the gate?”
“When they open the third gate, the fourth gate closes. So you get your guys behind the third gate, so when they pop it, ten raid bosses come out and slaughter everyone. Duh.”
“I keep forgetting about the gates.”
“One day you’ll run Imperius without cheating, and you’ll learn about the gates. You’ll be so sick of hearing about gates. The amount of catty bullshit that goes on about the gates ... ”
“I’m here.”
“If you have any cool lines you want to say, type them up.”
“They won’t be able to understand them.”
“Umm. Yeah. Fine. We’ll add that in post.”
Hayes chose to ignore that.
“So, when are they opening the gate?”
“I don’t know. Somebody is getting yelled at about dinner I think.”
“Who?”
“Some guy.”
“Okay.”
“He was supposed to have gotten Tuna Helper at the store and he didn’t.”
“Okay?”
“He’s really sorry. He says that but his voice is lying. I think he didn’t get Tuna Helper because Tuna Helper is gross. I think he doesn’t realize his microphone is transmitting.”
“I get it.”
“His mom, I assume it’s his mom, might literally be hyperventilating. God, listening to other people fight is the worst. It makes you realize what an asshole you sound like when you fight. It’s Tuna Helper, not bluefin sashimi. He’s being forced to get off Mundis and go back to the store for the Tuna Helper. He’s crying now.”
“For god’s sake.”
“They’re trying to find another Squid Hunter.”
“I’m sorry I asked.”
“Now they’re debating over whether they really need a Squid Hunter, since Squid Hunters are such a bullshit class.”
“Shut up.”
“I’m here for your bullshit, you’ll listen to me talk.”
Hayes pursed his lips.
“Now Tuna Helper’s whole being is being called into question via sarcastic comments regarding his talent spec.”
“Come on, man.”
“Now someone is eating. My money is on ... kettle fried sweet potato chips.”
> “How could you possibly know that?”
“Fried sweet potato has a unique sound. It’s a little thicker than potato. I think BBQ flavor. I’m going to ask. How much do you want to bet it’s BBQ? I bet 100 gold.”
“God damn it.”
“I was right. You owe me 100 gold.”
“I’m going to take a piss.”
“Can’t, they’re going to open the gate.”
“They found someone?”
“I volunteered. Guess my mage was good enough. Thirty seconds.”
“Okay.”
“Now, it’s very important that you loot my corpse too. I want my shit back. Loot my shit too.”
“You, Teabagz, anyone else I can cover.”
“Brocksamson has a legendary staff,[95] he’d be my choice for your third victim.”
“Got you.”
“And ten.”
“Think I can fit four?”
“No.”
“Shit.”
“You’ll still be rich as shit. Five.”
“There is that.”
“And revenge on your worst enemy. Three.”
“Can’t believe this is going to work.”
“You haven’t gotten out with the loot yet,” Mad Hatter said. “And my god, the gate is opening, what nightmare fuel. I knew it was coming and my ass still tightened. We got Galaxa and a dozen others. Holy shit, what colossal tits. They’re already pouring through the gate.”
Hayes looked below to see a vast horde of wireframe creatures pouring through the gate like water.
“Move up into the second chamber,” Mad Hatter said. “I know I’m doomed but I can’t resist trying to run anyway. They’re screaming, literally screaming, like they just got something cut off. I’ve seen people die with less screaming.[96] It’s hilarious.”Hayes moved up to the second chamber.
“Pop the invisibility potion,” Mad Hatter said. “And don’t move until I tell you. I’m taping this. I can’t ever release it or I’ll blow my cover, but holy shit this is hilarious. I’m going to listen to this when I get blue.”
Hayes drank the invisibility potion. Since he couldn’t really see himself, he couldn’t tell if it was working.
“Everyone is dead. There’s a couple of monsters still hanging around. Most have run back to their spawn point.”