by Justin Coke
“We play Mundis sometimes,” Hayes said. “How are the Mundis guys?”
“The Mundis guys are mostly okay. I mean, they’re nerds who have let Mundis rot their imagination, but they’re okay. There’s one of them who is just a little asshole though.”
Hayes grabbed Mad Hatters arm under the table and squeezed.
“Who is that?”
“One of those new douchey names,” Canyon said.[216]“Braylen,” Kathy said.[217] “He’s not so bad. He’s just ... angry.”
“Voice still dropping?” Mad Hatter asked. “We might have run into him.”
“Yeah. Just shy of hitting full on pubertal nerd,” Canyon said.
“Like you’re one to talk,” Andy said.
“Hey, I sympathize. But facts is facts. He might be cute now, give it a year. I might have been real life Screech, but I like to tell myself I’m not a gaping asshole. Gangly pizzaface and the personality of a hemorrhoid by next June. Bet you money on it.”
Kathy shook her head.
“Why are men so mean?” she said as she got up to get a beer.
Canyon shrugged.
“That kid is why Jim put the snack fridge behind the counter. Fucker was stealing Dews,” Canyon said. “And some people are just pricks. Maybe he’ll grow out of it, maybe he won’t. Me telling the truth won’t change anything.”
Hayes felt the urge to lay it all out on the table, the whole story. It wanted to gush out. He was convinced that if they heard his story they’d help—maybe not Kathy, but Canyon and maybe Andy. Mad Hatter stepped on his foot, as if he could read Haye’s mind.
Hayes kept his mouth shut by shoveling pizza in it.
They gamed the rest of the night and wrapped up the quest at 10:00 p.m., it being a work night. A good time had been had by all, and promises were made that Hayes wasn’t sure they’d be able to keep to come around next week.
On the way back, Mad Hatter stared out of the window.
“Braylen,” he’d say, and titter each time he’d say it.
“Really makes you think,” Mad Hatter said. “What does it say about us that we’ve had this hard of a time beating Braylen?”
“Ugh,” Hayes said. “Don’t say it like that.”
“Braylen nearly kidnapped Tick Tock. Braylen tricked us into stealing malware. Braylen ran Quartermain into retirement. Braylen is in the seventh thgrade.”
“I can’t believe my nemesis is named Braylen,” Hayes said.
“Life is full of disappointments.”
Chapter Fifty-Five
“Braylen,” Tick Tock said, letting the name drip like molasses off her tongue as she typed something into a computer.
“Braylen,” Kid Twist said. “Sounds like a lacrosse player.”
“No wonder he hates everyone,” Tick Tock said. “So what now?”
“We need to be there when he’s on Mundis and about to make a drop. You call in which computer he’s using and we get his login and password that way. Once we have that you guys need to steal his authenticator,” Kid Twist said as he pulled out a box and opened it, revealing a Mundis authenticator still in the plastic. “Replace it with that.”
“Why?”
“He’ll spend an extra day just figuring out it’s not broken, that’s why,” Kid Twist said.
“Jesus,” Hayes said. “That’s devious.”
“Yup,” Kid Twist said.
“Got him,” Tick Tock said. They gathered around her computer to see an article about Braylen Mills.
“Braylen Mills, Captain of the Academic Quiz Bowl team of Howard Middle School—Jesus god—receiving the trophy for the Greater Orlando Academic Quiz Tournament championship,” Kid Twist read aloud.
“Now you’ve seen his face,” Tick Tock said. “His goofy, adolescent face.”
“You don’t know that’s him.”
“It’s him,” she said. “Right school district to live near Changing Hands, and how many nerdy Braylens can there be in a two-mile radius?”
“I can’t believe we’ve been getting punked by that guy,” Hayes said. “I want to cry.”
“Braylen Mills. Sounds like a town in Vermont,” Kid Twist said.
“Glad we dropped the seduction angle,” Mad Hatter said. “Beyond creepy.”
Tick Tock shivered as if a cold wind had suddenly blown and felt like she needed a shower.
“It’s time,” Kid Twist said, “for a stakeout.”
Hayes and Mad Hatter looked at each other, both picturing spending countless hours in a hot car as the farts and body odor slowly amped up in a runaway greenhouse effect.
Hayes sighed; trapped by the fact that he’d gotten all of them into this mess, he felt obligated to see it through even though it irritated the hell out of him that Kid Twist and Tick Tock had spent the whole time lounging in a luxury penthouse and Terry had disappeared into his room, polishing his gun and doing pushups or whatever he was doing.
“Fuck that,” Mad Hatter said. “Terry can do it.”
“Terry will go, in case you need help, but you two need to be there to swing into action once he gets there.”
“Won’t smelling like hot swamp ass from sitting in a hot car all day ruin our covers?” Mad Hatter said.
“Bring baby wipes,” Kid Twist said.
“Baby wipes?” Mad Hatter yelped.
“Quick whore’s bath in the car, you’ll smell fine,” Kid Twist said. “Pits and taint, you’ll smell great. That’s what momma always said.”
And that was how they ended up in the back of a rape van with the engine on, blasting the frigid cold air that reminded Mad Hatter of his dad’s Cadillac, back before they started giving a damn about the ozone layer.
Terry sat up front, staring at the entrance to Changing Hands like some sort of crocodile; his eyes looked both utterly bored and utterly engaged at the same time. He hadn’t moved in half an hour, except to scratch his balls.
“Pits and taint, you’ll smell great. He actually said that, right? I didn’t make that up?” Mad Hatter said.
“Just like momma always said,” Hayes said.
“Yeah, what? Whose mom says taint?”
“His, I guess.”
“I really want to know about what happened with his family, but like, I’m pretty sure I’d immediately regret it.”
“You don’t really want to know,” Terry said, reminding them he was still alive.
“Oh, now I need to know,” Mad Hatter said.
“I don’t know his story specifically,” Terry said. “But I know people who have worked the entertainment industry.”
“And?”
“And, as with any profession that involves having power over children, a certain type of person is attracted to the profession.”
“Ewww.”
“Pretty much,” Terry said.
“You’re saying he got molested?”
“I’m saying that he sued his parents as soon as he turned eighteen. Wiped them out, because the only reason they had two nickels to rub together was cause they stole it from him. They ended up filing for bankruptcy.”
“Sued his own parents?”
“All public record.”
“That doesn’t seem like Jason,” Hayes said.
“No, it doesn’t. And I know celebs, I know fake nice and real nice. That dude is real nice. And he cleaned out his parents. Makes you wonder, though, what it would take to piss him off that bad. Probably not because the curfew was too strict.”
“I don’t even want to talk about this anymore,” Hayes said, “It feels like reading Anne Frank’s diary.”
“What?” Mad Hatter said.
“Am I the only guy who felt like a creep reading some preteen girl’s personal diary?”
“It’s historical!”
“Sure, but still. If she’d known that millions of people would be reading her private diary, I think she’d have felt violated. I couldn’t finish it. Felt like a creep.”
“Well, I guess that’s kind of sweet, in a dumb way
.”
“Look, if Jason wants to talk about it, I’ll listen. Until then, I don’t need innuendo and suspicion making me think like that.”
Mad Hatter half nodded. “Yeah, I don’t really want that running around in the back of my head.”
Terry grunted[218] and returned to staring out the window.They waited a long, long time, long enough that the iPad Kid Twist had given them to entertain themselves was perilously low on juice, when Terry turned back to them.
“That him?” Terry said. “That looks like him.”
They peered out the windows to see Braylen Mills two-strapping a backpack, in oversized cargo shorts, flip flops, and an Avenged Sevenfold t-shirt heading into Changing Hands.
“Avenged Sevenfold?” Hayes said, recoiling in horror. “Are they still a thing?”
“The Hydrox to Metallica’s Oreo,” Mad Hatter said. “Well, I just lost any lingering feelings of guilt.”
“I think they’re alright,” Terry said. “Them and Powerman 5000 are my deadlift playlist.”
Hayes had no idea what that meant, so he just nodded along as they got out the baby wipes and ran over the plan one last time.
Chapter Fifty-Six
They entered the store and rented computer time. As they walked into the computer room, Hayes was entirely convinced that Braylen/Teabagz would look up and recognize them both immediately in spite of the wigs.
Instead, he didn’t even look up as they took the seats on both sides. He was already logged in; it was dizzying to see Teabagz on screen, doing his banking. It was like watching Hitler feed his dogs.
They typed the code word into the computer.
Hayes typed: HAYES ONE LEFT
Mad Hatter: MH ONE RIGHT
Hayes phone dinged. A text from Tick Tock.
GOT IT. U: Teabagz69 P: Teabagz69!
Hayes replied: SRYSLY? JFC.
Mad Hatter: Feel like we could have skipped the hacking bit if that’s really his login. Why are you guys texting like it’s 2004?
Tick Tock: GET AUTH8TR, TALK LESS
Hayes could see the bulge of the authenticator in the big cargo pocket of Braylen’s shorts. Half his keys were already hanging out of his pocket. He shot a look at Mad Hatter, then logged into Mundis. Mad Hatter followed shortly.
Braylen gasped when Hayes logged in and hissed when Mad Hatter logged in. He was still watching.
Hayes felt very exposed, logged in right next to him, but he had a plan.
He messaged Mad Hatter.
Hayes: Get me the staff.[219]Mad Hatter: Plan?
Hayes: No-curse duel. Going to get him frothy, hope he gets so excited the keys fall out. When they do, grab them.
Mad Hatter: Ballsy.
Hayes: Do it.
Mad Hatter: Doing it.
Foul messages of revenge began to come in from Oji, Teabagz’s Palladium Alt. He put him on ignore.
A few minutes later Mad Hatter showed up and passed the staff to Hayes.
Mad Hatter: It’s been a while since we played, you sure you aren’t rusty?
Hayes: I got this. He sucks anyway.
Mad Hatter: We got him into decent form, actually.
Hayes: I got this. I don’t have to win to win.
Mad Hatter: You do if you want to keep your shit.
Hayes: We’re past gear. Forgetting the kidnapping?
Mad Hatter: Fair enough. Guess you can steal it back in a second anyway. If it works.
Suited up, he equipped the staff. He could see the silence spread at the bank as people noticed the staff.
Hayes messaged Oji.
No-curse duel. I’m wearing your gear. Imperius Rex Arena, twenty minutes.
Braylen began growling next to him, and Hayes had to prevent himself from laughing.
Oji: I’ll fuck you into last Tuesday.
Mad Hatter: That a yes?
Oji: Fuck yes that’s a yes. OMW.
Hayes turned to the people at the bank and typed out a message: I challenged Teabagz to a no-curse duel at the Imperius Rex Arena. He has accepted. You have twenty minutes to get there. Spread the word.
With that he mounted up and rode to the train that would take him to Imperius Rex. It took all of thirty seconds for guild chat to blow up about the duel. He minimized his chat window; the last thing he wanted was a flood of messages distracting him.
The actual Imperius Arena was always empty,[220], except now. He found thirty people, mostly from the Palladium Fraternity but a few Squalids and Shadow People too, sitting in the bleachers. Some cheered, some booed, some did erotic dances. He ignored them and stood in the center of the arena. Fifteen minutes.The arena filled over the next few minutes until he started to detect just a hint of lag; each set of eyes increasing the load on the server in quadratic fashion, it was creating a computation problem of a complexity that was beginning to stretch the server past its capacity.[221]A minute before the appointed time, Teabagz appeared, a posse of Squid Pistol goons behind him.
Teabagz, as all Squalid players, was inured to the ludicrous nastiness of the Squalid characters, and so Hayes imagined Teabagz felt like Johnny Lawrence coming into the karate tournament with Cobra Kai at his back, but he really looked like the Khan of a horde of morbidly obese Minions descending on a Golden Corral.
He glanced over; Braylen was tapping his feet with nervous energy; the keys dangled right there, so close to falling out.
Hayes typed.
/Nocurseduel Teabagz
Duel accepted. Both of their Graverobber’s Curse potions dropped off and would remain off until one of them was dead. The special power of the Arena is that it was the one place in Mundis where the various factions cannot attack each other without permission. Teabagz’s posse wouldn’t be able to jump him when he won and neither would the mob that would surely finish him off for a chance at the glorious staff he carried.
They charged at each other; Teabagz stopped as soon as he was in spell range and started working on an icebolt—a huge mistake. Just as the spell would have finished, Hayes Fearcoiled—an instant spell that made Teabagz break off his spell and lose control of his character.
Hayes cast his DOTs as Teabagz ran. Then he cast fear[222] and powered up a death bolt. Teabagz let the fear ride out, saving his trinket[223]; fear broke just in time for him to get a big old death bolt in the face. He was at 80% health, and Hayes noted Braylen’s calm in the corner of his eye; this was as predictable an opening sequence as the Italian Game in chess.Teabagz riposte, which was a bunch of DOTs (one went supercritical to Hayes’s dismay), a slowing ice attack, and three or four (Hayes couldn’t tell they came so fast) icebolts cast almost instantly with the help of the Berserker talent, left Hayes reeling at 55% health—mages played a fast and brutal style of overwhelming assault; but if you survived the first thirty seconds you almost always won.
Life snatch got him up to 63% and cleanse peeled the DOTs off at the cost of taking another icebolt. Teabagz was at 65% now, and so far this had been as predictable as the tides.
Hayes estimated that in about five seconds, Teabagz would trigger Cataclysm; he cast Demon Shield to take up the slack and made ready to trigger his staff.[224]He got sheeped instead and almost used his own trinket, but the cackle of anticipatory laughter from Braylen kept his finger hovering above the keyboard.
He took the grunt of dissatisfaction from Braylen as a good thing and took the icebolt in good humor; back down to 52%. A quick refresh of the DOTs had Teabagz at 60% and losing 2% a second.[225]Hayes summoned his Rock Demon, which hurtled down on Teabagz head and stunned him long enough to get a deathbolt off; the Rock Demon was little more than an annoyance after that, but it did pester Teabagz with little hits, and broke up the expected pattern of attacks since most Warlocks had gotten out of the habit of using the spell.[226]DOT DOT DOT, 50% and falling fast; Teabagz blinked towards him[227] and started unleashing waves of ice and fire that shredded Hayes; 39% now. Panicked by the damage and thinking the spells were coming so fast that Teabagz had hit Cata
clysm, he triggered the staff; a green mirror appeared in front of him, reflected all of Braylen’s damaging spells back at him, which amounted to one icebolt before Braylen stopped casting. Next to him Braylen began cheering; Mad Hatter suppressed a groan.The green mirror disappeared, and the blue orb of Cataclysm appeared over Teabagz head; Hayes was dead three seconds later, battered by every big spell Teabagz had. Teabagz looted him instantly, and his corpse was naked and bleeding on the floor.
Braylen was off his feet cheering and did a lap around the room. Hayes tabbed out of Mundis to hide his shame.
Braylen did a gloating one-man victory parade around the computer room.
“That was you?” the other gamers were asking, incredulous and staring at his computer, which showed Teabagz teabagging a dead warlock.
“Fuck yes that was me!” Braylen shouted.
Hayes shot a look at Mad Hatter.
“You dropped your keys,” Mad Hatter said, holding Braylen’s keys up. Braylen ignored him as the other gamers gave him pats on the back, realizing they had been present at a moment of Mundis lore people would be talking about for years.
“I’ll just leave them here,” Mad Hatter said and put them on the desk. Mad Hatter went to the bathroom.[228]Hayes noticed that Teabagz suddenly disconnected and loaded Call of Battle. He stared at the screen. He felt terrible he’d lost; but on the other hand he’d won. He’d been humiliated in front of the whole server, and the bile of watching Braylen celebrate, even temporarily, was bitter indeed.
On the other hand, they were robbing him blind, so Braylen wouldn’t be happy for long.
It was a complicated time in his life, is the point.[229]They were nearly carrying him around the room and may have tried if there had been more space; Hayes could see years of annoyance, even hatred, being sandblasted away by fame and success. It was sickening. They had all hated him for being a sniveling little shit—Hayes had seen the way they’d ignored him in game and out of game. Now they loved him.
“Hey, you disconnected,” someone said.
“I already looted him,” Teabagz said, and chugged a Mountain Dew someone had shoved into his hand.[230] They cheered him guzzling the drink.Hayes bit his lip and decided to go browse the collection of dusty used romance novels that inhabited the far corner of the store.[231]He started feeling ridiculous staring at 90s Harlequin novels, and wandered into the games section.