“Look at you,” the evil twin mocked. “Act like an adult, Alicen.”
Yes, Alicen thought. This was insane.
“There are always two choices,” Jane said. “Fear and love. Two voices: the Spirit and the accuser. Grace and condemnation.” She took her hand from Alicen’s cheek and offered it for Alicen to take. “Let me help you remember what you once knew.”
Her daughter’s sweet words pulled the strings of her spirit that had led her to the forest and sang to the wonder in Alicen’s heart that had longed to believe there was more.
Dark laughter echoed at her side. Her own laughter. “You make your bed, you sleep in it, right?” her voice said. “You actually believe there’s enough grace for what you’ve done? What would your mother say, Alicen?”
The forest clearing disappeared again, replaced with the dreaded swimming pool. The waters dark and murky, the sky clouded. Herself standing by, pouring down waves of guilt. Alicen’s fear and shame stronger than ever. As if they were heavy bags of sand draped across her shoulders, dragging her farther into the ground.
“You should have been a better mother,” her voice accused. “This is your trouble; you can’t be free of it.”
“I didn’t . . . I didn’t mean . . . ,” Alicen whimpered, her words getting swallowed by her grief.
“Oh stop,” her reflection snapped. “Get a grip, Alicen. Act like an adult.”
Alicen dropped her eyes to the ground and began to weep. Her mind battering her with shame, her chest twisting in pain. Yet through the pain a small chorus whispered.
Alicen, can you hear us?
You are the light of the world. The rest is only shadows.
When through the deep waters I call you to go.
Know the waters of sorrow will not overpower you.
The warm pulse in her soul started beating softly, but it was quickly drowned out by the cold reality of her shame. She had done this. She had killed her baby girl.
“You did this, honey; time to face reality,” the cruel tone called. It was starting to transform. Originally it was completely her own, but as the words flowed from the familiar face, they began to sound like her mother’s.
“You’re sick, Alicen,” the twisted voice echoed. “A sickness that is no one’s fault but your own. Time to pay the piper.”
Alicen felt her mother’s tone press into her chest like fingers, wrap itself around her heart, and squeeze. And yet, even there, the children’s voices could be heard.
You are the light of the world. The rest is only shadows.
“It’s okay, Mom; don’t be afraid,” Jane’s gentle voice cooed. Alicen opened her eyes, and again the forest trees surrounded her, the brilliant crystal pool was near, and the sweet beauty of her daughter had returned.
“What is happening to me?” Alicen whispered through her tears.
Jane knelt in front of her and took both of Alicen’s hands into her own. Again her touch filled Alicen with a calm that muffled the cry of her shame.
“You’re being called to deep waters,” Jane said, “but you don’t have to be afraid. Because only when facing your fear and letting it go can you find true peace. It’s a road less traveled, but it’s the only way to freedom. Remember, there is no fear in love.”
“I have to pay for what I’ve done. I don’t deserve true peace,” Alicen choked out, removing her eyes from the light shining through Jane’s gaze.
“Don’t believe the accuser, Mom,” Jane said. “I can show you another way. A way where all your shame and pain have already been paid for. The light inside you is greater than the shadows in the world.”
“Greater than your shame?” the haunting voice called.
Alicen glanced up, and once again saw herself, the Marc Jacobs dress clinging tightly to each curve as she moved toward Alicen. Her voice now completely replaced by Betty’s. Words of accusation flowing without remorse. “What could possibly be greater than your shame? Sounds as crazy as you are, Alicen.”
Looking at herself but hearing her mother was unnerving, terrifying. Her mind fought against falling into old habits. She wanted to curl into a ball of submission. Mother knew best.
When through deep waters I call you.
Know the waters of sorrow will not overpower you.
The voices sang in unison, soft and sweet, a choir of hope, and the soft beating in Alicen’s heart returned. She tried to grab hold of it through her fear, but the voice of her accuser echoed around her and fired at her resolve with shame like bullets.
“There is only one way, Alicen. Accept that you are troubled. All are troubled. Time to pay your debts.”
“There is another way,” a soft voice echoed overhead. Jane filled with light, not to be seen but only to be heard. “Through deep waters, healing can be found. Renew, refresh, remember; see you are made of light,” Jane’s sweet voice echoed again.
The choir of children whispered.
When through deep waters I call you.
Know the waters of sorrow will not overpower you.
“Get a grip, Alicen,” her doppelgänger warned. “Act like an adult, Alicen.”
But the call was gaining momentum, enough that Alicen could open her eyes and see the forest clearly, the crystal waters before her.
“Go to the water,” Jane said, and she was there across the pool, the four children Alicen knew standing beside her. Evie, Beck, Roxie, and Tate, their faces warm and full of light. “See another way,” Jane continued. “When your eye is clear, your whole body will be full of light. Remember—you are light.”
With havoc scraping at the insides of Alicen’s chest, fear circling beneath her skin, shame swimming through her mind, but hope singing to her spirit and truth calling to her heart, she crawled to the edge of the forest pool. The waters swirling blue and green, something powerful resting right below its surface.
Tears streamed down her cheeks, and she pushed herself to standing. Without letting her mind and body give in to fear, Alicen stepped into the water.
The moment she connected with its surface, warmth bolted up her legs and into her whole being.
“Foolish, stupid girl,” her mother’s voice cried. “Don’t give in to your crazy. What would your mother say?”
Fear threatened to destroy her resolve, but the song of the children was louder now.
When through deep waters I call you.
Know the waters of sorrow will not overpower you.
The voices rammed against Alicen’s figure as she stood in the water. One side inviting her to go deeper, the other mocking her resolve. And the shame she’d been carrying over the last few months, maybe her entire life, cascaded down from the clouds.
Healing can be found through deep waters. Renew and remember. Your shame is only a shadow. Paid for by light. Shadows are only shadows.
“Get a grip, Alicen!”
She stepped farther into the water, closed her eyes, tried to block out the cruel voice of her accuser and listen to the voice of hope. Their battling tossing her mind back and forth from darkness to light.
You are light.
“Act like an adult!”
Fear and pain collided inside her gut.
Still Alicen pushed forward. For love was there too, a sense of peace gathered on the insides of her bones. She could feel the cool, dark waters splashing up over her arms but also the waves of calm, warm forest air flowing past her shoulders. Both realities crashing into one another. Her shame and her freedom yanking her in opposite directions. Two roads.
When through deep waters I call you.
Know the waters of sorrow will not overpower you.
“What would your mother say, Alicen!”
Let it go; see that you are light. The rest is only shadows.
“Foolish, stupid girl! You deserve this sickness!”
Don’t be afraid. See another way.
Heart and mind at war, Alicen took a deep breath and submerged below the surface. All logic was gone; only following remained. The
call from both sides pulling on her in equal amounts. Her body encased in water, her brain ignited with pain, and her heart infused with truth. And one question cut through the chaos like an arrow: What if she was made of light?
Something began to shift in her soul, something started to take root and grow, and the voice of her accuser began to lessen. It started to fade, the choir of children rising, the warmth of the water slicing through the chill of darkness.
And then it all changed again. A harsh grab dug into her shoulders, pulling her away from the truth she was only just beginning to connect with. She thrashed forward, away from the hold, her throat opening, still immersed under the surface, waves of water draining into her mouth. Pain pierced the back of her throat and scored the insides of her now-open eyes. It stung her brain as the echoes of the children’s voices died off.
No, she thought; no! She pulled again, searched for the light, the warmth, but the water invading her body was yanking her deeper into darkness. She was drowning, actually drowning. Black dotted her already-muddled vision as more pain spiked through her chest.
And the single thought of truth transformed into a single thought of reality. She had been a fool to believe there was more, and now she was drowning. She tried to breathe but couldn’t. A dull pain pounded through her head, and then the world went black.
22
Victoria stood in the hospital hallway, a concerned mother and best friend standing before her. She’d been called shortly after they had confirmed Alicen was going to make a full recovery and that there wouldn’t be any permanent physical side effects of her recent episode.
She’d tried to drown herself. A nasty way to go and incredibly difficult to execute. To hold yourself underwater, ignoring your survival instincts. Alicen didn’t appear to be strong enough for that. Her mental delusions were gaining momentum. The means with which Victoria was trying to steer Alicen should be working. But they weren’t.
You’re failing, little Victoria.
Victoria’s face twitched at the sound of her uncle’s voice. Yes, she thought, something was very wrong here.
“I’m certain she’s been taking her medication,” Betty said again, as overbearing mothers usually did. “I’ve been checking morning and night. I understand how important it is that she keeps up with these things.”
“Maybe she wasn’t trying to drown herself?” Louise said, playing the part of the supportive comrade.
“You yanked her from the lake, Louise; she wasn’t breathing. If you hadn’t gotten to her when you did . . .” Betty trailed off momentarily, refusing to say what they were all thinking. “What else do you suppose she was doing in there?”
Louise opened her mouth to say something, but Betty wouldn’t let her speak.
“You heard her when they revived her. She was delirious, talking about being light, about healing waters. Mumblings about being led by ministering spirits.” Betty placed her hand over her mouth and shook her head, tears lining the insides of her eyes. “She sounds just like Josephine.”
She’s still seeing children. Her trouble is getting worse. Victoria bit the inside of her cheek to keep her face in check.
Louise started to break in again but after a moment gave up. What could she say? Victoria thought. Betty was right—Alicen had been raving about being led by her delusions. Her grip on reality was anything but stable.
“I knew something was wrong,” Betty continued, turning her attention back to Victoria. “I felt it. Mother’s intuition, maybe. And when she wasn’t in her bed . . .”
Victoria nodded politely, trying to convey that she cared how well Betty had read the situation. She didn’t, of course. In fact, she was certain Betty was probably a terrible mother. Most were. For example, her own mother had let a tyrant beat on her and her children without ever fighting back. She had encouraged his filthy habit by buying him alcohol and letting him drink himself into madness. Anger rose under her skin.
Betty was shaking her head. “She’s been resistant to this from the beginning. Oh, my poor baby—how could she try and do this to me again!”
“Well, good; seems healthy to make this about you,” Louise mocked.
“She’s my daughter. You have no idea what it’s like seeing her suffer through this.”
“Yeah, Betty, I do. And I want to make sure we are doing what’s best for her, not what’s best for you.”
“How dare you!”
Worms.
Yes, Victoria thought.
Victoria cleared her throat, and both women closed their mouths. “I think it is fair to say you both care about Alicen very much. I believe what’s best for Alicen is for us all to be on the same page.”
Betty looked at Victoria while Louise bit her lip and glanced down at the floor.
“I think it’s time for Alicen to move onto campus,” Victoria said.
Louise looked up, surprised. “I don’t think that’s something we should decide without speaking to her first.”
“For crying out loud, Louise,” Betty said, throwing her hands up in the air. “She’s schizophrenic and just tried to kill herself! Do you think she’s stable enough to make that sort of decision?”
Filthy worms.
“Miss Reese,” Victoria cautioned, reaching out a calming hand.
“I’m sorry, and please call me Betty,” she said with a small grin in Victoria’s direction.
“It just doesn’t make sense,” Louise said. Victoria could see the sparkle of tears resting along her bottom lids and could hear the crackle in her voice. “I thought she’d been doing pretty okay recently. It just seems so extreme.”
Victoria jumped in before Betty could lash out again. “I know this is very difficult, but the kind of trauma that Alicen’s mind has experienced can create waves of unpredictable behavior. And unfortunately, people who have tried to commit suicide before are more likely to try again.”
“So what’s the solution here, then? Do you just give her more medication? She’s already so . . .” Louise’s words trailed off, and she rubbed the sides of her skull with both hands. “I mean, what kind of life will she have?”
“One where she isn’t dead,” Betty snapped.
Louise took a hard swallow and cut her eyes toward Betty but said nothing in response.
Victoria could feel the controlled expression on her face threatening to crack. She was becoming irritated. Death would be too kind for someone like Alicen. As would a return to life, as Louise called it. No, for what Alicen had done, for who she was, only the numbed state of just existing was appropriate. Anything else would look like mercy or forgiveness.
Both impossible for trouble like Alicen’s.
And trouble like yours.
She swallowed and recapped her irritability before continuing. “Again, I understand how difficult this is, to see someone you love going through this, but we all want the same thing for Alicen.”
Retribution.
Yes, Victoria thought, but said instead, “Recovery.”
Betty was nodding again and stepped in front of Louise, who didn’t object. “I’ll do whatever you believe is best for Alicen.”
Victoria gave Betty a reassuring nod. “As her designated family member, you’ll need to sign some paperwork for me.”
“Yes, of course,” Betty said. “Anything.”
Victoria stole a final glance at Louise, and the young woman held her gaze for a moment before nodding herself. It was good to have all the worms in order.
Victoria left the hospital, Alicen’s admittance forms signed and in hand. Alicen would be transferred to Clover Mountain in the morning after a night of observation in the hospital. Victoria had requested they keep Alicen heavily sedated until she was fully transported so as to eliminate any further complications. They’d agreed.
Victoria crossed the parking lot toward her car, the lot nearly empty in the midnight hour. The longing to return to campus and release the dirt of the day was heavy. She fiddled with the end of her blazer sleeve, her
finger grazing the freshly wrapped bandage that circled her wrist.
Payment is due.
Shame and want collided inside her mind. “You did this to me,” she whispered.
You always did try to blame others for your mistakes.
Victoria ground her teeth in anger. She was losing her patience with her uncle’s ever-present condescension.
“Leave me alone,” she said.
Alone with your demons?
“You are my demon.”
After everything I did for you?
“You took everything from me,” she said. Her hushed tone was gaining volume, and she quickened her steps to reach her car.
No, I gave you something only I could give, and you killed it. You took it from me.
The dark memories filled her mind, and she stumbled the last step to her car, her brain throbbing with remorse. “I had no choice. The evil had to end.”
You were the evil.
Victoria slid inside her car and slammed the door. The air was thick and dark around her head. She leaned back against the headrest, her breath coming in hot and heavy waves. She could feel him, even in death. Could remember him visiting her often. Pressing against her, moving over her. Talking about making her clean but only leaving her feeling like dirt.
“Children should be protected,” she said.
Like you protected yours?
“I did protect him. I saved him from you, from this world of pain.”
You killed him.
“There was no other way!”
Nothing but silence answered back, and her heart ached inside her chest. Behind her clenched eyes the image of his little body appeared. A picture she’d blotted out, torn down, but it was with her now. Memories of his soft skin and fine hair. Tiny hands and feet. The way he’d felt lying in her arms, sleeping beside her chest.
Created from the forced intimacy of an uncle who visited her while she slept. Who told her his acts were necessary for redemption. A man she loved. A man she hated. But not as much as she’d loved and hated what they’d created. A worm that had come from filth—as she had come from her parents, he had now come from her. A stain on the earth, destined to fail, to suffer, to be trapped in a cycle of darkness.
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